The Altoona tribune. (Altoona, Pa.) 1856-19??, June 10, 1858, Image 1

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    Intcaaso ~
Uw«, V.-,
i or
EASJB-S, ~4.
Uunt*,4SetU, OfWrrf, Mb
««i i MUuldtr, Jtkrci*- ;
i la, litint in the.
UaiK* of the
Vane anil ■ A
c Fit*, Si.
I ditcasti art- ■ < . j
qf the Sexual Or
'ir.a, Ixat qf JJcmOrf, "WS
t, Mmneu qf TUm>MO>
V* Eytt, Lwqf**
uptia, I.ivrr 2X*. '
f face, Jitini [
Haul, It- ' *•“»
sc- the disoane origlnatciL
ate the coro, rtcoterV'{*‘
n a permanent cure Mu.
it, even after the dCZ?
hysidnns and resisted ist>
nea are pleasant without
■ “■cm mercury or halga'in.
j have rescued fm» tw
: h« in the lasV Blofeflo
1 been given up to m* W
2uv ia proaiJaing in. fkl
vt* under my
:t arc the
he first cause of CoiiWUUO*
r.nd should***
permanent cure is.scarce,
ic Erases falling intmthe
m net only fall to cnwtter
. filiing the system With
, hastens the tuficrer into
treatment not cause death
s. the dinette is entailed
with feeble coiwtituttoiM,
by n tirua v.hirh betrays
Irruptions and other aft
.. and Lungs, eutalling-np.
tring. audic-ntlguingthesi
dablc mcmy to health,for
ir 'il human diseases cau
sin' system, drawing it)
•■' fe-.v years of )UllCr£qg
destroys the Xcrvbu* sy>
icrgies of life, causes, lawn
inper development of (hi
. i: " iety, basilicas, asdial)
sulTeier r.reckodln body
■l'tioii and a train ofertf)
e.lf. TVltli the fullest COS*.
\ iclims of Srlf-Abnso.lhat
■ ho dice ted, and withtiw
my patients can be rea^irad
hist the use of Patent Jf«k
uehiuus snares in tho col
n and rob (ho unwary itf
md Stations ruined by ths
cr the equally poisonous
licincs.” 1 have carefully
.itcllt Medicines amt «lfu(
■rrosirn Sublimate,irhlCli
ns »f mercury and. a dead
• the disease disables tha
. run is now in use are put
persons, whe do not nn- |
■■ materia medica, mad.
of ths human system,
id mat to make moneyed '<
i of males and females
y twenty y ears of (m
-of the most remarkable
.ions sent to any pact at
patients communicating
ss correspondence strictly
,y.. 109) Iklone Tw&Ou
yfu!y 23, ’67-ly.
action, p.pq^
■d Iji tpfrial emUtUiuMt
■ r^jsed 9 afftcUdwtfk,nr-.
;nl Diseases,
.I'nrt, GcmarrtuxOf JplCfb
If Ahutt, rfc, iCe'. ‘ V' '
v of the awful deftrtWtfcß
Isi uses, and the deceptions
ietims of such diseases by
their Consulting Snrgcbn,
- iiorne, to open a Dumb-
Bfl of diseases, in aQ, wli
: gratis, to all who apply
it ir condition, (age, bee*
i eases of extreme pngbr
)ic free nf chaYfft. Xtii
-in commands thohirtttt
1 furnish the mostapprov-
the past, feel as»nretLths|
•K-vyieiit effort. bMpnHn
especially to t beywmfe
rbelnwlTrS, with lebvtrsd
inch despised C«tfc4?~f ■■
a Keport on IMM
t!:e vice cf Onsutsiiu^Sutr,
diseases of thadwfnkl
n. which will be sent iff
'■■f/iarye, on the«U
aid Association,!!o*£ 8.
Hy order of the Directors.
' [Dec. *4*,; ,
ibiisbcd, Gratis, tkk&*
rroNAL hiZAXia&f,
rhiav or Local W<MkMK
i .vtnroiw nibnit/, IMP-
S'- generally, by
U. PE LANKY,*.®.
:iv alarming CMnpMdnW,
in entirely Dew awtlikb
cd by tlie
ry one is 'enabled Ip Con
a-.? possible- cost,
m- oi the day.
l«.*t free lu « sealedso
*■-■ postage stoiDM.tPrpr.
, New York City.
Merchant Tallop W#«f
the citizen! Of IAKM*.
the building twooqot*
in one door BosOMt-w
•i- he is now receivingU*
prices, Plain and’Pan?J
>r, folk. Satin VeltrtlUt
ml on the most ttUO* r
“•■as, he thjnks,
or him with thelrointO-
lis)inh>wM»rf v fUlr
i surveys, containing •"
tlio actual JoOSJlttsSnf
Worship, School
jicls, Stores, ParrpHow-
ml Tillages, a Table of
T, giving tbsuM**"** B
k engraved on ftp off"
liiiic scale so as tenflo*
f r.h will be colored and
ivtgrd to subscribers M
and Criminal*l* »
circulated 'throngJg*:
Great Trials, OrfinWjJ
the, togetberwU 1
not to he fotind tn jMJ
t £1 for six roodthM 4
I'.'iid write their J»aB»«»
■:<* thev rcaldfc
,*tk Police Onxatte, i
Ju:a }jrrk Qty-
, Cold*, and Other affec
th" exposed state ofto
aji.tinoal change* Off 1 ' 11
,j G. TV*. KEBSX.EB.
poaches, ants. jsJ
Tiudi-r any clrcutastair
p. •loht-ula andßotail-T"
Moronic Tcmpi'-
S 1 oat KESgLEB’B*.
’ ' ... ■ *■ m f,- 3 '■ • , * ■ ■* ”f •
VOL. 3.
iIcCIIUM A I)KRN| and IPnyflitflft,
Per annum, (payable invariably in advance,) s «m
All papen<fi»c^tlnn<d ! ‘«ttlie expiration oift&Ume
paid for.
' - :*BMO or ASTSMIOga. ...
• .. a > '•••'i j iMMTtipn , 2 do. . 8 do.
Pour lum* or lee*, r 135 * 870; *6O
One square ( 8 lino*,} ' 60 76 *OO
1 < ' 100 ti 60 200
“ i B4 /“ \ . 160 00 - 2,60
Orer th*oo week* apd lesa(han three month*. 25 cents per
square for each insertion. '
„ ' , - ! - •month*. l flmonth*. 1 year.
Six lines or leas, $l6O ’$ 300 $6 oo
(hie equate, ! ; ' 260 T 4 00 700
*Wo “ i 4 00 .6 00 10 00
Three" , \ : 600 800 12 00
Fonr ; “ A 1 600 ,10 00 .14 00
Half A column, I [ lo oo .1600 30 00
One column, 1 ■ i 14 00 .26 00 40 00
Admlnatratonaad.ExecnidcsNotiee*, 176
MerdiaiiteadrerttßhiAhf.tho jrear, three equate*, \
with liberty to change, 10 00
Professional or Business Cerd*, not exceeding 8
tines, .with paper,per year, 1 " 6.00
Communication* of a political character or indhridpal in
tercet will bo charged accordingto the above rates. ’
Advertisement* not marked with the number of insertion*
desired, will be continued till forbid and charged according
to tba eborc term*.
Buaincfa notices five cents per Una for every insertion.
Obituary notices exceeding ten lines, ftfly cents a square.
Presbyterian, Her. A S. Cum, Pastor.—Preaching ev
ery Sabbath inorningat !(% o'clock, arJdintheafternoonat
4 o’clock. Sabbath School at 9 o’clock, A.M, in tbeLec
ture Room. Prayer Mectlng every Wednesday evening iln
the same room. 1
ildhalid Episcopal, Rer.B. A.Wimon, Pwlor^—Preach
ing every Sabbath morning at 11 o’clock abd in the even
ing. Schoolln the Lecture Boom at 2 o’clock, P.
M. General Trayer Meeting In same room every Wedneo-
Young Men’s Prayey: Meeting every Friday
r*ajigtlical,Lutheran, (no Pastor.)—Sabbath School in
tho Lecture Room at 9| o’clock, Ai-M. Prayer Meeting In
same room every Wednesday oyening, ' *
rm'M flretAren,Eev..D.aps c K7Paslor.—Preaching ev
ery Sabtath morning atflX o’clock and in.the evonlnk.—
Sabbath School in the Lecture Room at 9 o’clock, A. M.—
Itaij'Of Meeting everyWednesdayetenlng in suno room.
Catholic, Bev, Jobs Twioos, Pastor.—Pmujhlng at 10V«
o’clock In the morning, and at 3U in the afternoon.
BapfM, {ho Pu* tor.)—Sabbath School at 9 'o'clock, A. JI.
'■ ■ifricxn iMhodiil, Rev. Ssvnra o«vP«ator>-PreachlDg
'every Sabbath morning at 11 o’clock and in the evening, in
. tho old Union School House.
Eastern Way and Hollitiavshurgat
Western « ' *
Eastern Through Mali , '
Eastern Through Mail,' 8 35 A.M.
Western Way and UolUdaynburg, 12 06 P. 3!.
Eastern “ j« j -qq «
Oflieo open fbr the transaction of business from 7 A. M.
to S I*. SI, during the. Week,and froin 8 to 9 o’clock, A. M.
on .Sunday, ■ ' •}■ .
June'*,'«-«•] j JOHN SHOEMAKHfc P. M.
Express Train East'orrires 2,48 A. M, leaT«si2,6s A. M,
« Wait u 8,35 “ “ 8,56' «
Fast “ East « 030 P. M. “ - A5O P. M.
: r “ “ JO.CS «
Mall . East 12,08 “ “ lyn “
> “ West •* 7,00 “ - « 7,26 «
s®« lIOLLIDAV3BURG BRAN CHoonnects vith Express
Train West, Mail TralnEast and West and with Post Line
East. , . i v
The BLATRSTILLE BRANCH connects with Johnstown
Way Train East and Wcit, Express Train West and Mail
Ifraiil East. j • *■
80c.21,’5G-tfl . TITOS. A. SCOTT, Sup’t.
Mountain Lodge, A. Y. M, N 0.251, meets on second Tues
day of each month, tri the third story ;of the Masonic Tem
ple, at 7 % o’clock, P. M.'
Bhvmenlhal Encampment, A. Y. M, No 10, meets on the
third Tuesday of cacti month. in the third story of thoila
sonic Temple, at o’clock. P. M.
Altoona Lodge, I. O. oflO. P., No. 874, maota ercry Friday
ovoning, In the second, story of the Masonic Temple, at7U
o’clock, P, M. . •
Veranda Mge, I. O. of 0. P;, No. 632, meets every Friday
cvcDiug.ln the third story of Patton’sßuildlog.on Virirtnia
rtroet, at P. M.
Winnebago Tribe, No.. 85, I. 0. R. M, bold stated Conn
c Is every Tuesday evemiig in the I. 0. 0. F. Hall, in the
luionlc Temple. Council Fire kindled at 7th run 83th
breath. A. BBERLE, C\ of R. [June 26, ’5?-ly
Junior Srtns of America, Camp No. 31, meets crcry Moo
daylight in the third etofcy of Patton’s Hall,‘at TJ^o’clock
" . of Vie (hurts. —President, Hon. George Taylor.—
,7. Penn Jonos, David Caldwell. 1
Fnyionotary—J oseph Baldridge.
a ™ A.-Caldwell.
, George Port. McClure.
Oufnct Attorney— Beitf; L. Hcwlt.
, Vountu Commitiumert—i&iaot Uctchiaon, David M. Con
ler, J, R, McParlaoe. i ‘
Treasurer—S. Hoover, i
MuUtm—J. W. Tipper*, S. Morrow, A. 0. McCartney.
, Ivor House JDirtctort—C. Onytr. George Wearer,Samuel
{Shiver. _ ; - • .
throner—jamcß Funk. ;
SuferttiUndaU qf CbMmon School »—John Dean.
Justice* qf (he JVaee-ijicbb Oood, J. M. Cherry.
JOurgeu —E. M. Jone*. 1 ™ r f
A ,£" cn Jitter, R. H. McCormick, John
Alteon, Peter Reed, Nel*6n G landing.
PraidKHt of CbuneO—J&K. McObmickv • x
Clark to teuneO-Joh'n McClelland.
\i¥!!™n J>ir £ o Z*~9 e0l &- W - Patton, C. B. Sink, C. C.
Wm - c - McCormick.
a*ool a«rd—iWm. C. McCormick.
OmitaUe^ Joseph K.iEly.
Bee £lCeefr>r—John McClelland, •
i Auaifort—G. D. Thomas, Thoe. MeMlnn
Auc«oJWohn McCldUnd. " '-
Msitunu Auatori—Jsmn Mclntoeh, Carter.
Judge of £leeUoru~ East Ward—John B. Warfel.
“ , “ Wert “ Jacob Good.
, ‘ “ .North “ ■ Alexander Riling.
Jnspcdort —East Ward—E. A.Boclt, Alex. Montgomery.
“ Wert “ J, B. Boberts, M. Ctaubnagh.
North “ Win. Valentine, Wm. Boed.
£-£. soar,m.s. v • s.jl,good,k.d.
their professional services to the of Altoona
end vicinity jja the several branches of I ■-
Country calb regularly attended to. ; V -
Office, tho-oun« u heretofore occupied by Dr, Hirst
' By consent, D,' B. Good refers to
J.M.Gommill,M. Alexandria,Pa. ' A
J.B.tnden, M.D_Huntingdon, “
Williamsburg, Pa. ;
Phinr pre l Mlrc 'l to furnish a superior article of
v>hmt > at the Crystal Sim.
Wy^q Mt -’ G - *»“F*
P E m ti!Pp T^- s>ooo^SHELSWlL
mlngton PeaNuU, In store and for salt. l>y
M&rch 25 ’fifi-lvl ’ -151 « BHDOAIU),
axaren -w, OS-Iy] 191 Morfo 3d stmt. Philadelphia.
Paint, also Chrome. Green. y t \LpUr r ' ,
or ground in oil at I • [X_tr]
fUaTin K Cream, XoUot‘Soaps, Ac. furwleby
~~ O M'.K£BST.KHi 7
LEHR, s store is in
—»■ . «•!>•’UILEUAN.
Uy ‘° 3 W««loa»ly executed at ttl» office.
i.-' ‘
Tve atoQar.vot Ispend,
But Tve nothfngfor to lend,
For I neferbortn,w»,no*ing, don’t yon tee, Yohn Schmidt;
Tre a pretty Uddle' ftw,-
Un I’vo Vriehd* in plenty now,
Un a lot of preddy ahildren at mine knee, Yon Schmidt;
I-hof notin* to desire,
Ten J ait peside mine vice,
Un I eehmofcandneaeH into a sleeping state, Yohn Schmidt,
Wove der lager bier,
’/Van it’s good, «m isn't dear, •
l ean trink ’pout sixty glasses in a day, ,Yohn Schmidt;
I ■, ' (SoodE a ding I peter saw,)
Tot would dalce our schnapps un lager all avay, Tohn
,liovo aDejutschensong,
’Pout a hundredyersealong,'
Btit a ghornsfor a tousahd voices, too, Tohn Schmidt;
But I hate.der snuffle psalm,
Vot, isn’tvortfa a fcreptzer, •
For toeing, it makes your race grow long nn pine, Tohn
v Schmidt;
Hove some Dentschen food,
Taw I X IDcea it bntty good,
Der »pech un asnrkront, on ulat (laugh, YohnSchmidt;
: der milk of.achwill,
doy defer kill,
time to hit a knock, YohnSchmidt;
I lore dcribretty flowera,
For it
Vot grows in garten bowers,
Der cabbage, an der radeesh, Un derbeet, Tohn Schmidt,;
Cn I hates der toadsrun frogs,
Under eausage made of dogs,
Cn eferydingrot Isn’t good to eat, Tohn Schmidt;
Now Tre got a little shtoro,
, i Cn'l sit pefure der door,
Dn I sells denprandy schnapps on pretzel cake, Tohn
Cn I dinks I’ll bntty soon
Haf a lager bier saloon,
On den rot plenty money I will make, Tohn Schmidt;''
Cn ven enough I’re got,
I‘tUl buy “ a house un lot,’’
Cn a “corner grocery” I’ll have peeldo, Tohn Schmidt;
Den so happy I Till be,
Mit min»,schildren by mine knee.
1130 A.M.
B 00 A.M.
6 1& P.M.
800 “
Slit mine monej-, und mine frow, but mit no pride, Tohn
■ fled HfisceUang.
I labor under a species of distress which
I fear will at length drive me utterly from
that society in which 1 aid most ambitious
to appear; but I will give yo.u the history
of my origin and present situation, by
which you will be enabled to judge of mv
difficulties. . ■ *
My father was, a farmer of-no great
property, and with no other learning hot
what he acquired at a charity school ; "biit
my mother ibeing dead, and I an only
child; he ; determined to give me that ad
wantage which he fancied would have
made me.happy, via: a leafbed education.
I was sent to a country' grammar school,
and from thence to the university, with a
view of qualifying me for holy orders.—
Here, having but 'a small allowance from
my father,,and being naturally of a timid
hashful disposition, I had no oppor
tunity of ruhoing off that native awk
wardness which is the fatal cause of all
my unhappiness, and whihh I now begin
to fear can never he amended.
You must know that I am tall and thin
fy my person* with a fair complexion and
light, flaxen hmf, but of, such extremis
of ishame> fhat on the smal
lest subject *of -confusion my blood all
rnshw into my oheejes, and I appear a
perfect full blown rose. The conscious
ness qf this unhappy feeling made me
avoid society, and I became enamored pf
a college life, particularly when I reflected
thafe fcko uncouth manners of my father’s
Aniily were little. calculated to improve
my outward conduct; I therefore Rad re
- on living at the university and
fekipg pupils, when two unexpected events
greasy altered-the, posture of my affairs,
vis; my father’s death, and - the arrival of
an uncle.from the Indies;
This uncle I had veiy rarely heard my
mention, and it was generally be
lieved that he was long since dead> when
he arrived in England only a week- too
late to close his brother's eyes. I am
ashamed Jo, confess what I believe has off
ten been experienced by those whose edu
cation has been better than their
that my poor father’s ignorant and Vulgar
language has often made me blush to
think I was his son, and at his death 1
was not inconsolable for the loss of ohe,
whom I was not (infrequently ashamed
to own. i
My uncle was but little affected, for' he
had been separated from his brother more
than 80 years, and in that time Ho had
acquired ; a-fortune, which he used to brag
would make a nabob happy. In short, ho
had brought overj with him the enormous
sum of thirty thousand pounds, and upon
this he built his jhopes of (never ending
While he was planning ' schemes of
greatness and delight, whether the change
of climate might affect him, or what other
cause' I know not, but he was snatched
his dreams of Joy by a short' ilk
pess, of which he died, leaving me heir to
all his property, now behold me at
tjt johassss THAU* Tan t. xnocitEs.
But hate der .liquor, law,
I &
the .age of twehty-five, well stocked with
mathematics* possessed
of an ample fortune, but so awkward and
-unversed in every gentleman-iike accom
plishment, that I am pointed at by all
Fh° see; :mey;as the “wealthy, learned
clown.” p; p: lpj :;
I have lately purchased an estate in
tbe conn try, which abounds in what is
called a fashionable -neighborhood) and
when'yog reflect on mv parentage and un
couth wanneryou wm darelv think how
much jny companyis courted by the sur
rounding fanaUies; —especially those who
have marriageable daughters. From these
gentlemen X have received familiar calls
and the; most pressing invitations; and'
though J. : wished to accept their proffered
friendship, I have repeatedly excused my
self under the pretence of not being quite
settled ; Jfcr the truth is, that when I have
rode or walked, with full intention to re
turn the ir several visits, my heart has
failed me as I approached their gates, and
I have frequently returned homeward re
solving to try again to-morrow.
However, X have at length determined
to conquer my timidity, and three, days
ago I accepted of an invitation to dine
this day with one - whose? open, easy man
ner left me no room to doubt a cordial
welcome. Sir Thomas Friendly, who lives
about two miles distant, is a baronet, with
about two thousand pounds a year, estate
joining to what I have purchased. He
has two sous and five daughters, all grown
up, and living with their mother and a
maiden sister; of Sir Thomas’, at Friendly
Hall, dependent on their father.
. Conscious of my unpolished gait, I have
for some time |past taken private lessons
of a professor; |who teaches “grown gen
tlemen to dance,” and though I at first
found wondrops difficulty in the art he
taught, my knowledge of mathematics was
of prodigious Use in teaching me the equi
librium of my jbody, and the' due adjust
ment of the. centre of gravity to five posi
tions. ; I
Haying now" acquired tlxe art of walk
ing without tottering, and learned to moke
a bow, I boldly ventured to obey the baro
net’s invitation to a family dinner, not
doubting fmt my new acquirements would
enable me to see the ladies with tolerable
intrepidity. But, alas! how vaSu are all
the hopes of theory, when unsupported bv
As I approached the house, a dinner
bell alarmed iuy fears lest I had spoiled
the dinner by want of punctuality. Im
pressed with this idea, I blushed the deep
est crimson. as my name was repeatedly
announced by ? the several livery servants
who ushered me into the library, hardly
knowing-wfiaior whom I saw.
*At my first entrance I summoned, all
my fortitude and made my newly-learned
how to Lady friendly ; but unfortunately,
ip bringing bubk my left foot to the third
position, I trod upon the gouty toe of
f oor Sir Thomas, who had followed close
at my heels, to the nomenclator of the
family. The confusion this occasioned in
me, is hardly to he conceived, since none
but bashful men can judge of my distress,
and of that* description the number I be
lieve isWery small.' fThe' baronet’s polite
ness by degrees dissipated my concern,
and I was astonished to see how. far good
breeding could’ dnable him to suppress his
feelings, and to appear with perfect ease,
after so painful an accident.
i The eheeiTulness of his lordship, and
the familiar chat of the young ladies, in
sensibly led pie vto throw off -my reserve
apd sheepishness, till at length I ventured
to join in .conversation and even to start
fresh subjects.. The library being richly
furnished with; hooks in elegant bindings,
1 conceived sir Thomas to be a man of
literature, and ventured to give my opin-'
ion conoerning; the several editions of the
Gjreet classics, ,iu. which the baronet’s
opinionwxactly coinoidefL\with my own.—
To this subject I was led by observing an
edition of Xenophon in sixteen volumes,
which, as I had neyer before heard of
such a thing, grpatly excited my curiosity,
apdl rose up tp examine what it could be.
saw what I was about, and, as
i .supposed, Wfflifig to save me trouble,
rojse to r take down the hook, which made
me the more eager to prevent him; and,
hastily laying iny hand on the first volume,
I pulled- it forcibly; but, lo! instead ,df
books, a board, i which by leather and gild
ing had been made to look like sixteen
volumes, came tumbling down, and un
luckily pitched upon a wedgewppd ink
stand on the table under it. ’" .' ;
In vain did] Sir Thomas assure me
there was no harm. I saw the ink stream
ing from an inlaid table on the Turkey
carpet, and, scarcely knowing what I did,
attempted to stop its progress with my
cambric handkerchief; In the height of
my confusion, we were informed that din
ner was served Up, and I with joy per
ceived that the bell which at first had «o
alarmed my fears, was only the half-hour
bell. .
In walking through the hall and suite
of apartments the dining room,; I had
t«de to collect 'my scattered senses, and
was desired to take my peat betwixt Ihdy
Friendly and her eldest daughter at the
tab £. Sbace theiall of the wooden Xeno
ph( hi iny fiice had been conihiuaHy horn
ing like a uebniiad, and 1 was just begin
[independent in everything.]
ning to recover myself, and feel comfort
ably Cool, when an unlooked-for accident,
rekindled all my heat and blushes. Hav
ing-upset mj plate in bowing to Miss
Dinah, who politely complimented the pat
tern of my waist-coat,'l tumbled the whole
scalding contents into my lap. In, spite
of an immediate supply of napkins to
wipe the surface of- my clothes, my black
silk breeches, ■ Were not stout enough -to
save me from the painful effects of this
.sudden fomentation,and for some minutes
my legs and thighs seemed stewed in a
boiling cauldron j, but, recollecting how
Sir Thomas had disguised his torture when
I trod upon his. toes, I firmly bore my
pain in silence, and sat with my lower ex
tremities parboiled, amidst the stifled gigg
ling of the ladies and the servants.
I will not relate the several blunders,
which X made during the first course, or
the distress occasioned by my being de
sired to carve a fowl dr help to Various
dishes that stood near me, spilling a sauce
boat and knocking down a salt cellar;
rather let me hasten to the second course,
where fresh overwhelmed me
I had d nice piece of rich pudding on
my fork when Miss Louisa Friendly beg
ged to trouble me for a pigeon that stood
near me; in my haste, scarcely knowing
what I did, I whipped the pudding into
my 'mouth, hot as a burning coal. It
was impossible to conceal my agony. My
.eyes were starting from their sockets. At
last, in spite of shame, and confusion, I
was obliged to drop the cause of my tor
ture on my plate. Sir Thomas and the
ladies all companioned my misfortune,
and each advised a different application.
One recommended oil—another water;
but all agreed that wine was best for draw
ing out the fire, and a glass of cherry was
brought me. from the sideboard, which I
snatched up with eagerness; but, 0, how
shall I tell.the sequel!
Whether the butler by accident mis
took, or purposely designed to drive me
mad, he gave me the strongest brandy,
with which I filled my mouth, already
flayed and blistered. Totally unused to
every kind of ardent spirits, with my
tongue, throat and palate as raw as beef,
what could I do ?
I could not swallow, and, clapped my
hands upon my mouth, the cursed liquor
squirted through my nose and fingers
like a fountain, over all the dishes, and I
was crushed by bursts of laughter from all
quarters. In vain did Sir Thomas repri
mand the servants, and Lady Friendly
chide her daughters; for the measure of
my shame and their diversion was not yet
s To relieve me from the intolerable state
of perspiration which this accident had
caused, without considering what I did,
I wiped my face with that ill-fated hand
kerchief which was still wet with the con
sequences of the fall of Xenophon, and
covered all my features with streaks of ink
in every direction. The baronet himself
cpuld not support this shock, but joined
his lady in the general laugh; while I
sprung from the table in despair, rushed;
out Of the house, and ran home in an
agony of confusion and disgrace which
the most poignant sense of guilt could
have excited.
There, without having deviated from
the path of moral rectitude, I am suffer
ing torments like a u goblin’’ cursed. The
lower half of me has been almost boiled,
my tongue and mouth blistered, and I
bear the mark ,of Cain, upon my forehead;
yet these are but trifling-considerations to
the everlasting shame which I must feel
whenever this adventure shall bo men
Mieaculous Escape.—The Browns
ville Clipper gives an instance of the mi
raculous escape of a boy of that place
from instant' death, Which is without a
parallel. A number of boys were playing
ball in Brownsville when the ball falling
- in to a well, a little boy, about ten y ears
old* son of Mrs. Samuel Campbell, went
to look for it, and loosing his balance, fell
to the bottom, a distance of forty-five feet,
there being about fifteen feet of water in
the As he rose to' the surface, he
caught hold of the rope which happened
to be lowered, with. ode hand, and with
the Other picked up the ball and put it
into his ppeket; he r then seized the pope
With both- hand'sand was drawn »p by his
companions. He was not injurea except
by a slight bruise on the head[ caused, by,
striking on tbehpttom, and in hour
he was again playing quUe
of his remarkable' ''escape from iUstan t
death. 'rr.V';:-'
]JB®s* At h pcgro celebration an
Irishman stood listening to the-colored
speaker expatiating upon government and
freedom, and as the orator came to a ] pe
riod * from, one of the highest, most poeti
cal flights, the Irishman said : 1 \
'Bedad, he speaks well for a hagur, did
n’t He how?’ ’ ’
Somebody said, { he isn’t a negro—he is
only a half negro.’ ; .
1 Only a half nagur is it!, Weil, if a
half nagur can talk in thatstyl% i’mthinfc--
ing^aWholenagof mightbatethoprophet-
Jeremiah ?’ •
;V Y-
1 Walk in, gentlemen, walk in I Gome
ih, and see the turkeys dancetYou won’t
wish you had’nt if you' do see it V
: ‘ Turkies dancing! Fact, and no mis
‘ Come in and see, -if you don’t believe
it. if ’taint so you, can have back<your
tew shillin'. Perhaps them other gentle
men that’s with you would like .to come
in tew. . It’s only tew sblUin’ijany hco.w/
This was a dialogue which I heard be
fore the door of a showman in one of the
midland counties. ' 0
I was one of ‘them other gentlemen'
referred to, and I disbursed the. ‘ tews hil
lin' referred to, and entered, aSjiid many
who, similarly attracted, followed
uS into the show. ,
‘ Wal, gentlemen,’ said the exhibitor,
‘you see that '’ere long coop of darkeys,—•
Wal, I shall feed ’em fust, and pretty soon
arter, when they begin to feel their oats
(bat that’s a joke, ’cause wo giyp’cm corn,)
you'll see ’em begin to dance.*
The coop, which ran along the end of
the exhibition farthest from the door, was
ab|mt fifteen feet long, and must have con
tained some twenty: or thirty turkeys;
heavy fellows they were too, mbit of them;
perfect treasures of a' Christmas table.—
Into this coop our exhibitor pferhaps
apeckofcorm . . ■ ■ f.j >
this was soon gathered up, -apt without
much squabbling and fighting on the part
of the feather recipients, who] Wanted tb
see fair play—rthat. kind of ffeur play/’
meaning which wouldgive to tha complain
ants the largest half of the ‘ prdvant.’
Presently it was all devoured; and the
audience called for tho perfdtmiance as
‘Yes, yes/ said the exhibitor, ‘don’t be
in tew big a stew. Give us'HtJme, if yop
please. ’Strike up, music—give ’em a
lively teewn 1’ 1 i
At this, a cracked flute and an- old black,
greasy fiddle started off at very quick time,
and sure enough, every turkey in the coop
began to dance, hopping froinj ouc leg to
another, crossing over; balancing chassee
ing—doing everything, in shoiC knowing
to the saltatory art, except ‘joihlng hands,
and ‘ turning partners.’ {
’ ‘ Well, that is curious!’ exclaimed the
auditors, simultaneously; ,* Never saw
anything like it before.' |.
_ ‘No/ says the exhibitor, ‘expect you
did’nt. It’s all in edication, ks tho poet
says. Indicated them turkeys 3 and
ain’t one on ’em that hasn’t a gdod ear for
music.' i
Hereupon he turned to the [ audience
and added: [
“ Wat, you’ve seen ifc, and seen how nat
ural they do it; now we want ■ rou to va
cate the room, and give them a chance
that’s on the outside. There’S ■ new cus
tomers outside a waitin’, and i -you only
tell ’em outside what you’ve seen with your
own eyes, you’ll be doin’ a service to me,
and give to them an equal pleasure with
what you have enjoyed,’....
This was done'; the audience had re-
and ah other took its p’ace, i nqluding,
however, cno who had been an iiiditor at
the last ex libition. The some| scene was
gone thro’ with; the same feeding, f music
and dancing;’only it was observed that
the motion of the turkeys was.even more
lively than before. . ? i ’
It struck the twice-observor tl dt just be
fore the music began, a manwis seen to
leave the room on both occasional and,un
noticed, he stepped out himsem; the last
time and saw the man bnkphk' hitnaglf
with putting some light kindliqpTwood un
der an opening beteatfa the show.
The mysteiy was now out. The turkey
cage rested over a slow fire, w(th a thin
tin floor, arid when the jnusicstruck up,
the fire had become so hot thali the tur
keys hopped about—first qp : then
on the other: —and chanvpd iv positions, ’
[seeing rest aud till |}ie
fire had gone down, and tMjpmre rqady
for another feed! • -
It is proper tb add that the she
a sound thrashings from the enrfe
j .■ Wlihl 1 luTfi -Neyer :
! I have never known a poor ztiim to oh
jtain a premium atVfeir, where, there wa§
a rich man to] compete with himi
I I hayo neyer known xuuhMer of the
i Gospel tp be hailed from a "higher tp a
lower salary. 7 ... -
S ? have never knovta a poor hum to -be
respected, bedansp he was poor.- ::
I . * hay® upver known >merchant to con-
his conversation with a poor man
j I nave- neyer known a white-headed
office hunter to: be very conversant 7 with ; a
poorman aftey the election.' I hive .never
known any man to admit anybody to be
better than himself. ; -I
I'! I have never known a rich man hut
what was respected for his richer. ■ v
1 : T hove never known a ntau'tb]be hetter
than he should be. , • ’., ]
. I have neverknown a fashion too ridi
cidfousVto be followed. , j ’,_ -
• p i have: never known a'
giontooabsurd ci
reversed to please any man.
Repobts.— -One evening,
hoi many yeahj ago, while the Supreme
Court was holding its session in Somerset
oounty, some of the legal brethren; were
wanning their legs before a blazing flro
m a nual tavern, and conversing upon va
rious.matters pertaining to the profession.
B. J. Bacon, whose long silence indicated
that his mind was in travail with some
great thought, broke oat by asking if any
of his brethren could relieve him from his
trouble. . ; ?■
‘ I wish,’ said he, ‘ to commence au ac :
tion against ft boy who ftas caught stealing
apples. I find no ease of the kind in any
or the Beports, and I am at a loss for a
The landlord overheard the .question,'
and informed the vordan that he knpw a
case just in point. ‘'"r
{ Ah!’ Said* Bacon, *in . whose Retorts
shall 1 find it V J i ; ?
‘ In y/ebster’s,’ said the landlord very
gravely.’ ......,:.v'..,
‘‘Webster’s Reports? Well,
speak of it, I think I do remcmber.soihc
thing like it there. Do you knowthovol
ume ?’ ■ . •.?,
‘ Yes, I do j I have a copy, in the ho.U<P
if you would like to see it.’ i r
‘ I would he greatly obliged' fo'yduTpr
itj as I have left mine at home;* ’ ;: ■'*
The landlord stepped out, (md soon rc
turned with Webster’s Spelling Booh,and
turning to the story— ‘ An old man found
a rude boy op one orhis treea stcaUng ap*-
pies’—passed the book io his friend,
who-threw it into the fire, in the nddst of
roars and laughter, and speedily madchis
disappearance. ,-q.
Ladies Should Bbad Nevvspabbas,
—lt is a great mistake in female education’
to keep a young lady’s time and attentiob
dovoted only to fashionable of,
the day. ‘ If you would qualify • her foir
conversation, youinustgivejiersomethilig
to talk about—give her education with th«
actual world and its transpiring events.
Urge her to read the newspapers, and be*
come familiar with . the present character
and improvement of pur race/ History
is of sonic importance, but the .past world
is dead, and We have nothing to do'With
it. Our thoughts add concerns should bd
for the present world* to know whaHtJr,
and improve the condition of it. Let hef
have un intelligent opinion/aud £e able|o
sustain an intelligent conversation cornier*
ning the moral, political ahJreSi
gious improvement of pur times. Lotthd
gilded annals and poems on the centift tiU
ble be kept a part of the time covered iptlj
good weekly? and daily journals. Let t|p '
whole family—men, women add Children
— read newspapers. •' • ; > iir
' - Affection.:— W e sometimes meet fcjtl
friends who seem to think that anyindub:
gence of affectionate .fooling is weakness.'
They will return from a journey and
greet their family with a distant dignity,
and move apiong their children with the
proud and lofty (Splendor of an
surrounded by its fragments. There la
hardly a more unnatural sight on earth
than one of those families without a heart.*
Who has experienced the joys of ftipncU
shim, and values sympathy and affection;
would not rather lose all that 1 is. beautiful
in natureVscenery, than be robbed of the
hidden trohsuro of the heart? Who wpuk|
<nqt rather follow his child to the grave,
than entomb has parental affection ? Cher-
then, your heart’s best affection.? : '
Industrious Pbisoneb, —An English
paper publishes the sketch of the life of*
prisoner composed by himself in Winches
ter jail. The original Is in the shape pf a
printed book; the letters and words all hav
ing been, Cut of ; waste paper by the man, v
withTiis finger nails,- as no knife or scis
sors were allowed him. After cutting out
the words suitable to his purpose, Lqrcare
frilly pasted them in proper order to; form
annum book, comprising 22 pages. A
ipieCe of poetry addressed to fua wife, m
included in this singplaj* production. - J
rman got
red audi-
8®» A. lady wishing the service of a dyer,
was refereed lo an excellent workman, trßd
was. something of a wag in his line. The;
lady called, and asked. ( Aro _ you the, dy
ing, man 7?
No, ma’am, I'm a living manr-hnt I’lf
dye for yon I promptly replied the mao of
many colors, putting the emphasis
it was needed.
BQk»Vohoe, ven I yas court mit Calb
rine, I vas go on iny field potjatbs and com
Yel, den 1 sees Catenae coinin' del*
so 1 dinks to give her a boo, so I climbs *
tree,- and shist ash I vas going to boo hpi,
I faljs off on der fence and strikes a hi**
knot hole in my pantaloons. Caterine
laff, and ixtakcs me shdmc as a sheep
tief oh his - :back—true as a book.
vi «t Mauy of the brightest virlaes,am
Uke stars—there most be night or thos>
shine. Without suffering, them.
?® no fortitude, no patience, uq coW*
Td enjdKilfev yotf‘.
Should be a little miserable oeoaeiohallyi*
; Uke cayenne, is not feqj: %g||&
I j \ * ~ - •
NO. 19=.
-> • - *