Intcaaso ~ Uw«, V.-, EN A CUKE IS i or EASJB-S, ~4. Uunt*,4SetU, OfWrrf, Mb ««i i MUuldtr, Jtkrci*- ; i la, litint in the. UaiK* of the Vane anil ■ A ncert c Fit*, Si. I ditcasti art- ■ < . j qf the Sexual Or 'ir.a, Ixat qf JJcmOrf, "WS t, Mmneu qf TUm>MO> V* Eytt, Lwqf** uptia, I.ivrr 2X*. ' f face, Jitini [ Haul, It- ' *•“» fiari- ■'•'s3 S FROM BOTH SBXSi) sc- the disoane origlnatciL ate the coro, rtcoterV'{*‘ n a permanent cure Mu. it, even after the dCZ? hysidnns and resisted ist> nea are pleasant without ■ “■cm mercury or halga'in. j have rescued fm» tw : h« in the lasV Blofeflo 1 been given up to m* W 2uv ia proaiJaing in. fkl vt* under my :t arc the he first cause of CoiiWUUO* r.nd should*** permanent cure is.scarce, ic Erases falling intmthe m net only fall to cnwtter . filiing the system With , hastens the tuficrer into treatment not cause death s. the dinette is entailed with feeble coiwtituttoiM, by n tirua v.hirh betrays Irruptions and other aft .. and Lungs, eutalling-np. tring. audic-ntlguingthesi dablc mcmy to health,for ir 'il human diseases cau sin' system, drawing it) •■' fe-.v years of )UllCr£qg destroys the Xcrvbu* sy> icrgies of life, causes, lawn inper development of (hi . i: " iety, basilicas, asdial) sulTeier r.reckodln body ■l'tioii and a train ofertf) e.lf. TVltli the fullest COS*. \ iclims of Srlf-Abnso.lhat ■ ho dice ted, and withtiw my patients can be rea^irad hist the use of Patent Jf«k uehiuus snares in tho col n and rob (ho unwary itf md Stations ruined by ths cr the equally poisonous licincs.” 1 have carefully .itcllt Medicines amt «lfu( ■rrosirn Sublimate,irhlCli ns »f mercury and. a dead • the disease disables tha . run is now in use are put persons, whe do not nn- | ■■ materia medica, mad. of ths human system, id mat to make moneyed '< i of males and females y twenty y ears of (m -of the most remarkable .ions sent to any pact at patients communicating ss correspondence strictly MMERVILLE, M.l>, ,y.. 109) Iklone Tw&Ou yfu!y 23, ’67-ly. action, p.pq^ ■d Iji tpfrial emUtUiuMt ■ r^jsed 9 afftcUdwtfk,nr-. ;nl Diseases, .I'nrt, GcmarrtuxOf JplCfb If Ahutt, rfc, iCe'. ‘ V' ' v of the awful deftrtWtfcß Isi uses, and the deceptions ietims of such diseases by their Consulting Snrgcbn, - iiorne, to open a Dumb- Bfl of diseases, in aQ, wli : gratis, to all who apply it ir condition, (age, bee* i eases of extreme pngbr )ic free nf chaYfft. Xtii -in commands thohirtttt 1 furnish the mostapprov- the past, feel as»nretLths| •K-vyieiit effort. bMpnHn especially to t beywmfe rbelnwlTrS, with lebvtrsd inch despised C«tfc4?~f ■■ a Keport on IMM t!:e vice cf Onsutsiiu^Sutr, diseases of thadwfnkl n. which will be sent iff '■■f/iarye, on the m.nr.OEOROBE.«U aid Association,!!o*£ 8. Hy order of the Directors. ' [Dec. *4*,; , 1) ITS PREM& ibiisbcd, Gratis, tkk&* rroNAL hiZAXia&f, rhiav or Local Wr, folk. Satin VeltrtlUt ml on the most ttUO* r “•■as, he thjnks, or him with thelrointO- IULLVTY.—THE lis)inh>wM»rf v fUlr i surveys, containing •" tlio actual JoOSJlttsSnf Worship, School jicls, Stores, ParrpHow- ml Tillages, a Table of T, giving tbsuM**"** B k engraved on ftp off" liiiic scale so as tenflo* f r.h will be colored and ivtgrd to subscribers M SAMCCL GKILj ISAAC a.tSJ&D- gazetxeJc and Criminal*l* » circulated 'throngJg*: Great Trials, OrfinWjJ the w.mc, togetberwU 1 not to he fotind tn jMJ t £1 for six roodthM 4 I'.'iid write their J»aB»«» ■:<* thev rcaldfc iIATSELL A CO-. ;-I ,*tk Police Onxatte, i Ju:a }jrrk Qty- CHEST PKO LI) AGAINST THOSE , Cold*, and Other affec th" exposed state ofto aji.tinoal change* Off 1 ' 11 ,j G. TV*. KEBSX.EB. lON FOR EX: poaches, ants. jsJ Tiudi-r any clrcutastair 0. TV. KESSLER- ’QUALITY OF p. •loht-ula andßotail-T" SHOEMAKER, Moronic Tcmpi'- ORTERS, Tros* S 1 oat KESgLEB’B*. E\\ T ORLBA^ ’ ' ... ■ *■ m f,- 3 '■ • , * ■ ■* ”f • MoCRUM & DERN, VOL. 3. THE ALTOONA TRIBUNE. iIcCIIUM A I)KRN| and IPnyflitflft, Per annum, (payable invariably in advance,) s «m All papen '•••'i j iMMTtipn , 2 do. . 8 do. Pour lum* or lee*, r 135 * 870; *6O One square ( 8 lino*,} ' 60 76 *OO 1 < ' 100 ti 60 200 “ i B4 /“ \ . 160 00 - 2,60 Orer th*oo week* apd lesa(han three month*. 25 cents per square for each insertion. ' „ ' , - ! - •month*. l flmonth*. 1 year. Six lines or leas, $l6O ’$ 300 $6 oo (hie equate, ! ; ' 260 T 4 00 700 *Wo “ i 4 00 .6 00 10 00 Three" , \ : 600 800 12 00 Fonr ; “ A 1 600 ,10 00 .14 00 Half A column, I [ lo oo .1600 30 00 One column, 1 ■ i 14 00 .26 00 40 00 Admlnatratonaad.ExecnidcsNotiee*, 176 MerdiaiiteadrerttßhiAhf.tho jrear, three equate*, \ with liberty to change, 10 00 Professional or Business Cerd*, not exceeding 8 tines, .with paper,per year, 1 " 6.00 Communication* of a political character or indhridpal in tercet will bo charged accordingto the above rates. ’ Advertisement* not marked with the number of insertion* desired, will be continued till forbid and charged according to tba eborc term*. Buaincfa notices five cents per Una for every insertion. Obituary notices exceeding ten lines, ftfly cents a square. TRIBUNE DIRECTORY. CHURCHES. MINISTERS, &C. Presbyterian, Her. A S. Cum, Pastor.—Preaching ev ery Sabbath inorningat !(% o'clock, arJdintheafternoonat 4 o’clock. Sabbath School at 9 o’clock, A.M, in tbeLec ture Room. Prayer Mectlng every Wednesday evening iln the same room. 1 ildhalid Episcopal, Rer.B. A.Wimon, Pwlor^—Preach ing every Sabbath morning at 11 o’clock abd in the even ing. Schoolln the Lecture Boom at 2 o’clock, P. M. General Trayer Meeting In same room every Wedneo- Young Men’s Prayey: Meeting every Friday r*ajigtlical,Lutheran, (no Pastor.)—Sabbath School in tho Lecture Room at 9| o’clock, Ai-M. Prayer Meeting In same room every Wednesday oyening, ' * rm'M flretAren,Eev..D.aps c K7Paslor.—Preaching ev ery Sabtath morning atflX o’clock and in.the evonlnk.— Sabbath School in the Lecture Room at 9 o’clock, A. M.— Itaij'Of Meeting everyWednesdayetenlng in suno room. Catholic, Bev, Jobs Twioos, Pastor.—Pmujhlng at 10V« o’clock In the morning, and at 3U in the afternoon. BapfM, {ho Pu* tor.)—Sabbath School at 9 'o'clock, A. JI. '■ ■ifricxn iMhodiil, Rev. Ssvnra o«vP«ator>-PreachlDg 'every Sabbath morning at 11 o’clock and in the evening, in . tho old Union School House. ALTOONA MAIL SCHEDULE. MAILS CLOSE. ; Eastern Way and Hollitiavshurgat Western « ' * JtullidajsbtH-g Eastern Through Mali , ' MAILS ARBIVB. Eastern Through Mail,' 8 35 A.M. Western Way and UolUdaynburg, 12 06 P. 3!. Eastern “ j« j -qq « Oflieo open fbr the transaction of business from 7 A. M. to S I*. SI, during the. Week,and froin 8 to 9 o’clock, A. M. on .Sunday, ■ ' •}■ . June'*,'«-«•] j JOHN SHOEMAKHfc P. M. - R AILROAD SCHEDULE. .1 Express Train East'orrires 2,48 A. M, leaT«si2,6s A. M, « Wait u 8,35 “ “ 8,56' « Fast “ East « 030 P. M. “ - A5O P. M. : r “ “ JO.CS « Mall . East 12,08 “ “ lyn “ > “ West •* 7,00 “ - « 7,26 « s®« lIOLLIDAV3BURG BRAN CHoonnects vith Express Train West, Mail TralnEast and West and with Post Line East. , . i v The BLATRSTILLE BRANCH connects with Johnstown Way Train East and Wcit, Express Train West and Mail Ifraiil East. j • *■ 80c.21,’5G-tfl . TITOS. A. SCOTT, Sup’t. MEXTINdS OF ASSOCIATIONS- Mountain Lodge, A. Y. M, N 0.251, meets on second Tues day of each month, tri the third story ;of the Masonic Tem ple, at 7 % o’clock, P. M.' Bhvmenlhal Encampment, A. Y. M, No 10, meets on the third Tuesday of cacti month. in the third story of thoila sonic Temple, at o’clock. P. M. Altoona Lodge, I. O. oflO. P., No. 874, maota ercry Friday ovoning, In the second, story of the Masonic Temple, at7U o’clock, P, M. . • Veranda Mge, I. O. of 0. P;, No. 632, meets every Friday cvcDiug.ln the third story of Patton’sßuildlog.on Virirtnia rtroet, at P. M. Winnebago Tribe, No.. 85, I. 0. R. M, bold stated Conn c Is every Tuesday evemiig in the I. 0. 0. F. Hall, in the luionlc Temple. Council Fire kindled at 7th run 83th breath. A. BBERLE, C\ of R. [June 26, ’5?-ly Junior Srtns of America, Camp No. 31, meets crcry Moo daylight in the third etofcy of Patton’s Hall,‘at TJ^o’clock COUNTY OFFICERS. " . of Vie (hurts. —President, Hon. George Taylor.— ,7. Penn Jonos, David Caldwell. 1 Fnyionotary—J oseph Baldridge. a ™ A.-Caldwell. , George Port. McClure. Oufnct Attorney— Beitf; L. Hcwlt. , Vountu Commitiumert—i&iaot Uctchiaon, David M. Con ler, J, R, McParlaoe. i ‘ Treasurer—S. Hoover, i MuUtm—J. W. Tipper*, S. Morrow, A. 0. McCartney. , Ivor House JDirtctort—C. Onytr. George Wearer,Samuel {Shiver. _ ; - • . throner—jamcß Funk. ; SuferttiUndaU qf CbMmon School »—John Dean. ALTOONA lIORPUGH OFFICERS. Justice* qf (he JVaee-ijicbb Oood, J. M. Cherry. JOurgeu —E. M. Jone*. 1 ™ r f A ,£" cn Jitter, R. H. McCormick, John Alteon, Peter Reed, Nel*6n G landing. PraidKHt of CbuneO—J&K. McObmickv • x Clark to teuneO-Joh'n McClelland. TVeomrer—JaraeeXowther. \i¥!!™n J>ir £ o Z*~9 e0l &- W - Patton, C. B. Sink, C. C. Wm - c - McCormick. a*ool a«rd—iWm. C. McCormick. OmitaUe^ Joseph K.iEly. Bee £lCeefr>r—John McClelland, • i Auaifort—G. D. Thomas, Thoe. MeMlnn Auc«oJWohn McCldUnd. " '- Msitunu Auatori—Jsmn Mclntoeh, Carter. Judge of £leeUoru~ East Ward—John B. Warfel. “ , “ Wert “ Jacob Good. , ‘ “ .North “ ■ Alexander Riling. Jnspcdort —East Ward—E. A.Boclt, Alex. Montgomery. “ Wert “ J, B. Boberts, M. Ctaubnagh. North “ Win. Valentine, Wm. Boed. £-£. soar,m.s. v • s.jl,good,k.d. f\RS. HIRST & GOOD TJWJDER their professional services to the of Altoona end vicinity jja the several branches of I ■- MEDICINE AND SURGERY. Country calb regularly attended to. ; V - Office, tho-oun« u heretofore occupied by Dr, Hirst ' By consent, D,' B. Good refers to J.M.Gommill,M. Alexandria,Pa. ' A J.B.tnden, M.D_Huntingdon, “ Williamsburg, Pa. ; ■pLOUR.—THE SITBSCBIBER IS Phinr pre l Mlrc 'l to furnish a superior article of v>hmt > at the Crystal Sim. Wy^q Mt -’ G - *»“F* P E m ti!Pp T^- s>ooo^SHELSWlL mlngton PeaNuU, In store and for salt. l>y M&rch 25 ’fifi-lvl ’ -151 « BHDOAIU), axaren -w, OS-Iy] 191 Morfo 3d stmt. Philadelphia. PURE -WHITE LEAD AND ZINC Paint, also Chrome. Green. y t \LpUr r ' , or ground in oil at I • [X_tr] -OILS, - COLOGNES, POM fUaTin K Cream, XoUot‘Soaps, Ac. furwleby ~~ O M'.K£BST.KHi 7 LEHR, s store is in utr.]' Q.ROCERIES. —A LARGE AND Wre —»■ . «•!>•’UILEUAN. 500 ASCRIPTIONS : Uy ‘° 3 W««loa»ly executed at ttl» office. i.-' ‘ SEE PHILOSIFHy; j; ! BHDST NEAE MACKAY. , Tve atoQar.vot Ispend, But Tve nothfngfor to lend, For I neferbortn,w»,no*ing, don’t yon tee, Yohn Schmidt; Tre a pretty Uddle' ftw,- Un I’vo Vriehd* in plenty now, Un a lot of preddy ahildren at mine knee, Yon Schmidt; I-hof notin* to desire, Ten J ait peside mine vice, Un I eehmofcandneaeH into a sleeping state, Yohn Schmidt, Wove der lager bier, ’/Van it’s good, «m isn't dear, • l ean trink ’pout sixty glasses in a day, ,Yohn Schmidt; I ■, ' (SoodE a ding I peter saw,) Tot would dalce our schnapps un lager all avay, Tohn Schmidt; ,liovo aDejutschensong, ’Pout a hundredyersealong,' Btit a ghornsfor a tousahd voices, too, Tohn Schmidt; But I hate.der snuffle psalm, Vot, isn’tvortfa a fcreptzer, • For toeing, it makes your race grow long nn pine, Tohn v Schmidt; Hove some Dentschen food, Taw I X IDcea it bntty good, Der »pech un asnrkront, on ulat (laugh, YohnSchmidt; : der milk of.achwill, doy defer kill, time to hit a knock, YohnSchmidt; I lore dcribretty flowera, For it Vot grows in garten bowers, Der cabbage, an der radeesh, Un derbeet, Tohn Schmidt,; Cn I hates der toadsrun frogs, Under eausage made of dogs, Cn eferydingrot Isn’t good to eat, Tohn Schmidt; Now Tre got a little shtoro, , i Cn'l sit pefure der door, Dn I sells denprandy schnapps on pretzel cake, Tohn Schmidt; Cn I dinks I’ll bntty soon Haf a lager bier saloon, On den rot plenty money I will make, Tohn Schmidt;'' Cn ven enough I’re got, I‘tUl buy “ a house un lot,’’ Cn a “corner grocery” I’ll have peeldo, Tohn Schmidt; Den so happy I Till be, Mit min»,schildren by mine knee. 1130 A.M. B 00 A.M. 6 1& P.M. 800 “ Slit mine monej-, und mine frow, but mit no pride, Tohn Schmidt. ■ fled HfisceUang. ADTEHTPKEB OF A BASHFUL. EKGUBHMM. I labor under a species of distress which I fear will at length drive me utterly from that society in which 1 aid most ambitious to appear; but I will give yo.u the history of my origin and present situation, by which you will be enabled to judge of mv difficulties. . ■ * My father was, a farmer of-no great property, and with no other learning hot what he acquired at a charity school ; "biit my mother ibeing dead, and I an only child; he ; determined to give me that ad wantage which he fancied would have made me.happy, via: a leafbed education. I was sent to a country' grammar school, and from thence to the university, with a view of qualifying me for holy orders.— Here, having but 'a small allowance from my father,,and being naturally of a timid hashful disposition, I had no oppor tunity of ruhoing off that native awk wardness which is the fatal cause of all my unhappiness, and whihh I now begin to fear can never he amended. You must know that I am tall and thin fy my person* with a fair complexion and light, flaxen hmf, but of, such extremis of ishame> fhat on the smal lest subject *of -confusion my blood all rnshw into my oheejes, and I appear a perfect full blown rose. The conscious ness qf this unhappy feeling made me avoid society, and I became enamored pf a college life, particularly when I reflected thafe fcko uncouth manners of my father’s Aniily were little. calculated to improve my outward conduct; I therefore Rad re - on living at the university and fekipg pupils, when two unexpected events greasy altered-the, posture of my affairs, vis; my father’s death, and - the arrival of an uncle.from the Indies; This uncle I had veiy rarely heard my mention, and it was generally be lieved that he was long since dead> when he arrived in England only a week- too late to close his brother's eyes. I am ashamed Jo, confess what I believe has off ten been experienced by those whose edu cation has been better than their that my poor father’s ignorant and Vulgar language has often made me blush to think I was his son, and at his death 1 was not inconsolable for the loss of ohe, whom I was not (infrequently ashamed to own. i My uncle was but little affected, for' he had been separated from his brother more than 80 years, and in that time Ho had acquired ; a-fortune, which he used to brag would make a nabob happy. In short, ho had brought overj with him the enormous sum of thirty thousand pounds, and upon this he built his jhopes of (never ending happiness. While he was planning ' schemes of greatness and delight, whether the change of climate might affect him, or what other cause' I know not, but he was snatched his dreams of Joy by a short' ilk pess, of which he died, leaving me heir to all his property, now behold me at tjt johassss THAU* Tan t. xnocitEs. But hate der .liquor, law, Af. BELATED BT HiMSEhF. 1 (• I & ALTOONA, PA., THURSDAY, JUNE 10, 1858; the .age of twehty-five, well stocked with mathematics* possessed of an ample fortune, but so awkward and -unversed in every gentleman-iike accom plishment, that I am pointed at by all Fh° see; :mey;as the “wealthy, learned clown.” p; p: lpj :; I have lately purchased an estate in tbe conn try, which abounds in what is called a fashionable -neighborhood) and when'yog reflect on mv parentage and un couth wanneryou wm darelv think how much jny companyis courted by the sur rounding fanaUies; —especially those who have marriageable daughters. From these gentlemen X have received familiar calls and the; most pressing invitations; and' though J. : wished to accept their proffered friendship, I have repeatedly excused my self under the pretence of not being quite settled ; Jfcr the truth is, that when I have rode or walked, with full intention to re turn the ir several visits, my heart has failed me as I approached their gates, and I have frequently returned homeward re solving to try again to-morrow. However, X have at length determined to conquer my timidity, and three, days ago I accepted of an invitation to dine this day with one - whose? open, easy man ner left me no room to doubt a cordial welcome. Sir Thomas Friendly, who lives about two miles distant, is a baronet, with about two thousand pounds a year, estate joining to what I have purchased. He has two sous and five daughters, all grown up, and living with their mother and a maiden sister; of Sir Thomas’, at Friendly Hall, dependent on their father. . Conscious of my unpolished gait, I have for some time |past taken private lessons of a professor; |who teaches “grown gen tlemen to dance,” and though I at first found wondrops difficulty in the art he taught, my knowledge of mathematics was of prodigious Use in teaching me the equi librium of my jbody, and the' due adjust ment of the. centre of gravity to five posi tions. ; I Haying now" acquired tlxe art of walk ing without tottering, and learned to moke a bow, I boldly ventured to obey the baro net’s invitation to a family dinner, not doubting fmt my new acquirements would enable me to see the ladies with tolerable intrepidity. But, alas! how vaSu are all the hopes of theory, when unsupported bv practice! As I approached the house, a dinner bell alarmed iuy fears lest I had spoiled the dinner by want of punctuality. Im pressed with this idea, I blushed the deep est crimson. as my name was repeatedly announced by ? the several livery servants who ushered me into the library, hardly knowing-wfiaior whom I saw. *At my first entrance I summoned, all my fortitude and made my newly-learned how to Lady friendly ; but unfortunately, ip bringing bubk my left foot to the third position, I trod upon the gouty toe of f oor Sir Thomas, who had followed close at my heels, to the nomenclator of the family. The confusion this occasioned in me, is hardly to he conceived, since none but bashful men can judge of my distress, and of that* description the number I be lieve isWery small.' fThe' baronet’s polite ness by degrees dissipated my concern, and I was astonished to see how. far good breeding could’ dnable him to suppress his feelings, and to appear with perfect ease, after so painful an accident. i The eheeiTulness of his lordship, and the familiar chat of the young ladies, in sensibly led pie vto throw off -my reserve apd sheepishness, till at length I ventured to join in .conversation and even to start fresh subjects.. The library being richly furnished with; hooks in elegant bindings, 1 conceived sir Thomas to be a man of literature, and ventured to give my opin-' ion conoerning; the several editions of the Gjreet classics, ,iu. which the baronet’s opinionwxactly coinoidefL\with my own.— To this subject I was led by observing an edition of Xenophon in sixteen volumes, which, as I had neyer before heard of such a thing, grpatly excited my curiosity, apdl rose up tp examine what it could be. saw what I was about, and, as i .supposed, Wfflifig to save me trouble, rojse to r take down the hook, which made me the more eager to prevent him; and, hastily laying iny hand on the first volume, I pulled- it forcibly; but, lo! instead ,df books, a board, i which by leather and gild ing had been made to look like sixteen volumes, came tumbling down, and un luckily pitched upon a wedgewppd ink stand on the table under it. ’" .' ; In vain did] Sir Thomas assure me there was no harm. I saw the ink stream ing from an inlaid table on the Turkey carpet, and, scarcely knowing what I did, attempted to stop its progress with my cambric handkerchief; In the height of my confusion, we were informed that din ner was served Up, and I with joy per ceived that the bell which at first had «o alarmed my fears, was only the half-hour bell. . In walking through the hall and suite of apartments the dining room,; I had t«de to collect 'my scattered senses, and was desired to take my peat betwixt Ihdy Friendly and her eldest daughter at the tab £. Sbace theiall of the wooden Xeno ph( hi iny fiice had been conihiuaHy horn ing like a uebniiad, and 1 was just begin [independent in everything.] ning to recover myself, and feel comfort ably Cool, when an unlooked-for accident, rekindled all my heat and blushes. Hav ing-upset mj plate in bowing to Miss Dinah, who politely complimented the pat tern of my waist-coat,'l tumbled the whole scalding contents into my lap. In, spite of an immediate supply of napkins to wipe the surface of- my clothes, my black silk breeches, ■ Were not stout enough -to save me from the painful effects of this .sudden fomentation,and for some minutes my legs and thighs seemed stewed in a boiling cauldron j, but, recollecting how Sir Thomas had disguised his torture when I trod upon his. toes, I firmly bore my pain in silence, and sat with my lower ex tremities parboiled, amidst the stifled gigg ling of the ladies and the servants. I will not relate the several blunders, which X made during the first course, or the distress occasioned by my being de sired to carve a fowl dr help to Various dishes that stood near me, spilling a sauce boat and knocking down a salt cellar; rather let me hasten to the second course, where fresh overwhelmed me quite. I had d nice piece of rich pudding on my fork when Miss Louisa Friendly beg ged to trouble me for a pigeon that stood near me; in my haste, scarcely knowing what I did, I whipped the pudding into my 'mouth, hot as a burning coal. It was impossible to conceal my agony. My .eyes were starting from their sockets. At last, in spite of shame, and confusion, I was obliged to drop the cause of my tor ture on my plate. Sir Thomas and the ladies all companioned my misfortune, and each advised a different application. One recommended oil—another water; but all agreed that wine was best for draw ing out the fire, and a glass of cherry was brought me. from the sideboard, which I snatched up with eagerness; but, 0, how shall I tell.the sequel! Whether the butler by accident mis took, or purposely designed to drive me mad, he gave me the strongest brandy, with which I filled my mouth, already flayed and blistered. Totally unused to every kind of ardent spirits, with my tongue, throat and palate as raw as beef, what could I do ? I could not swallow, and, clapped my hands upon my mouth, the cursed liquor squirted through my nose and fingers like a fountain, over all the dishes, and I was crushed by bursts of laughter from all quarters. In vain did Sir Thomas repri mand the servants, and Lady Friendly chide her daughters; for the measure of my shame and their diversion was not yet complete. s To relieve me from the intolerable state of perspiration which this accident had caused, without considering what I did, I wiped my face with that ill-fated hand kerchief which was still wet with the con sequences of the fall of Xenophon, and covered all my features with streaks of ink in every direction. The baronet himself cpuld not support this shock, but joined his lady in the general laugh; while I sprung from the table in despair, rushed; out Of the house, and ran home in an agony of confusion and disgrace which the most poignant sense of guilt could have excited. There, without having deviated from the path of moral rectitude, I am suffer ing torments like a u goblin’’ cursed. The lower half of me has been almost boiled, my tongue and mouth blistered, and I bear the mark ,of Cain, upon my forehead; yet these are but trifling-considerations to the everlasting shame which I must feel whenever this adventure shall bo men tioned. Mieaculous Escape.—The Browns ville Clipper gives an instance of the mi raculous escape of a boy of that place from instant' death, Which is without a parallel. A number of boys were playing ball in Brownsville when the ball falling - in to a well, a little boy, about ten y ears old* son of Mrs. Samuel Campbell, went to look for it, and loosing his balance, fell to the bottom, a distance of forty-five feet, there being about fifteen feet of water in the As he rose to' the surface, he caught hold of the rope which happened to be lowered, with. ode hand, and with the Other picked up the ball and put it into his ppeket; he r then seized the pope With both- hand'sand was drawn »p by his companions. He was not injurea except by a slight bruise on the head[ caused, by, striking on tbehpttom, and in half.an hour he was again playing quUe of his remarkable' ''escape from iUstan t death. 'rr.V';:-' ]JB®s* At h pcgro celebration an Irishman stood listening to the-colored speaker expatiating upon government and freedom, and as the orator came to a ] pe riod * from, one of the highest, most poeti cal flights, the Irishman said : 1 \ 'Bedad, he speaks well for a hagur, did n’t He how?’ ’ ’ Somebody said, { he isn’t a negro—he is only a half negro.’ ; . 1 Only a half nagur is it!, Weil, if a half nagur can talk in thatstyl% i’mthinfc-- ing^aWholenagof mightbatethoprophet- Jeremiah ?’ • ;V Y- A TURKEY HOPt 1 Walk in, gentlemen, walk in I Gome ih, and see the turkeys dancetYou won’t wish you had’nt if you' do see it V : ‘ Turkies dancing! Fact, and no mis take?’ ‘ Come in and see, -if you don’t believe it. if ’taint so you, can have back this was soon gathered up, -apt without much squabbling and fighting on the part of the feather recipients, who] Wanted tb see fair play—rthat. kind of ffeur play/’ meaning which wouldgive to tha complain ants the largest half of the ‘ prdvant.’ Presently it was all devoured; and the audience called for tho perfdtmiance as promised. ‘Yes, yes/ said the exhibitor, ‘don’t be in tew big a stew. Give us'HtJme, if yop please. ’Strike up, music—give ’em a lively teewn 1’ 1 i At this, a cracked flute and an- old black, greasy fiddle started off at very quick time, and sure enough, every turkey in the coop began to dance, hopping froinj ouc leg to another, crossing over; balancing chassee ing—doing everything, in shoiC knowing to the saltatory art, except ‘joihlng hands, and ‘ turning partners.’ { ’ ‘ Well, that is curious!’ exclaimed the auditors, simultaneously; ,* Never saw anything like it before.' |. _ ‘No/ says the exhibitor, ‘expect you did’nt. It’s all in edication, ks tho poet says. Indicated them turkeys 3 and ain’t one on ’em that hasn’t a gdod ear for music.' i Hereupon he turned to the [ audience and added: [ “ Wat, you’ve seen ifc, and seen how nat ural they do it; now we want ■ rou to va cate the room, and give them a chance that’s on the outside. There’S ■ new cus tomers outside a waitin’, and i -you only tell ’em outside what you’ve seen with your own eyes, you’ll be doin’ a service to me, and give to them an equal pleasure with what you have enjoyed,’.... This was done'; the audience had re- and ah other took its p’ace, i nqluding, however, cno who had been an iiiditor at the last ex libition. The some| scene was gone thro’ with; the same feeding, f music and dancing;’only it was observed that the motion of the turkeys was.even more lively than before. . ? i ’ It struck the twice-observor tl dt just be fore the music began, a manwis seen to leave the room on both occasional and,un noticed, he stepped out himsem; the last time and saw the man bnkphk' hitnaglf with putting some light kindliqpTwood un der an opening beteatfa the show. The mysteiy was now out. The turkey cage rested over a slow fire, w(th a thin tin floor, arid when the jnusicstruck up, the fire had become so hot thali the tur keys hopped about—first qp : then on the other: —and chanvpd iv positions, ’ [seeing rest aud till |}ie fire had gone down, and tMjpmre rqady for another feed! • - It is proper tb add that the she a sound thrashings from the enrfe ence. j .■ Wlihl 1 luTfi -Neyer : ! I have never known a poor ztiim to oh jtain a premium atVfeir, where, there wa§ a rich man to] compete with himi I I hayo neyer known xuuhMer of the i Gospel tp be hailed from a "higher tp a lower salary. 7 ... - S ? have never knovta a poor hum to -be respected, bedansp he was poor.- :: I . * hay® upver known >merchant to con- his conversation with a poor man j I nave- neyer known a white-headed office hunter to: be very conversant 7 with ; a poorman aftey the election.' I hive .never known any man to admit anybody to be better than himself. ; -I I'! I have never known a rich man hut what was respected for his richer. ■ v 1 : T hove never known a ntau'tb]be hetter than he should be. , • ’., ] . I have neverknown a fashion too ridi cidfousVto be followed. , j ’,_ - • p i have: never known a' giontooabsurd ci reversed to please any man. r. Hc| Repobts.— -One evening, hoi many yeahj ago, while the Supreme Court was holding its session in Somerset oounty, some of the legal brethren; were wanning their legs before a blazing flro m a nual tavern, and conversing upon va rious.matters pertaining to the profession. B. J. Bacon, whose long silence indicated that his mind was in travail with some great thought, broke oat by asking if any of his brethren could relieve him from his trouble. . ; ?■ ‘ I wish,’ said he, ‘ to commence au ac : tion against ft boy who ftas caught stealing apples. I find no ease of the kind in any or the Beports, and I am at a loss for a precedent.’ The landlord overheard the .question,' and informed the vordan that he knpw a case just in point. ‘'"r { Ah!’ Said* Bacon, *in . whose Retorts shall 1 find it V J i ; ? ‘ In y/ebster’s,’ said the landlord very gravely.’ ......,:.v'.., ‘‘Webster’s Reports? Well, now.you speak of it, I think I do remcmber.soihc thing like it there. Do you knowthovol ume ?’ ■ . •.?, ‘ Yes, I do j I have a copy, in the ho.U

iir ' - Affection.:— W e sometimes meet fcjtl friends who seem to think that anyindub: gence of affectionate .fooling is weakness.' They will return from a journey and greet their family with a distant dignity, and move apiong their children with the proud and lofty (Splendor of an surrounded by its fragments. There la hardly a more unnatural sight on earth than one of those families without a heart.* Who has experienced the joys of ftipncU shim, and values sympathy and affection; would not rather lose all that 1 is. beautiful in natureVscenery, than be robbed of the hidden trohsuro of the heart? Who wpuk| shine. Without suffering, them. ?® no fortitude, no patience, uq coW* Td enjdKilfev yotf‘. Should be a little miserable oeoaeiohallyi* ; Uke cayenne, is not feqj: %g||& I j \ * ~ - • EDITORS AND PROPRIETORS, NO. 19=. -> • - *