Tlifc LATEST HUMOR.
TMIH. MIIOWN'H VISIT
TO TUB
PARIS EXHIBITION.
WHAT THE OLD LADY SAW AMI
1)11) TIIEKE.
BY ARTHUR S K E T C II L E Y,
AUTHOR OF "THE 11ROWN PAPKIIS."
l'ART IV.
Continued from yesterday's issue.)
Wb.it to do I didn't know, for there wasn't
no cloak-room, nor nothink near at hand, and
there I was obligated to walk ever bo far all
among the crowd, a-carryin' of that jupong,
as I'd 'ave throwed away with pleasure, bat
didn't dare to there. And when I got to what
they calls the westiare, that jupoug was that
broke that it couldn't be wore no more, a3 I'd
been and ketched my foot in it; and if that
Miss Tredwell didn't 'ave the face to say as it
were worth twelve shilliu's, and 'ad cost
eighteen, as I don't believe a word on, for I've
seed them ticketed ten over and over ngiu.
Hut Mrs. Wells, she stood my friend, and
managed for to pin me up; but I 'ad to go
'ome as soon as I'd took some refreshment,
and 'ad to carry the jupong. And if Miss
Tredwell didn't expect me to pay 'er twelve
nhillin's; but I says, "I'll give you eight, as
it's more than it's worth, and never wanted
to wear it." And I do believe it was only 'er
art aa made 'er lend it me, a-'opin' as I might
spile it, as she wanted to get rid on thro'
being quite gone out.
I always did 'ate borrerin' clothes or lendin'
'em either, as always ends unpleasant, the
eaine as my black welwet cape as I lent to
Brown's sister and never see a westment on it
agin, as she said as it were took off 'er arm
aboard of a Gravesend steamer, as in my
opinion she's been and made away with it and
won't tell the truth 'onest.
I quite took more to Mrs. Wells arter that
day, and 'er and me often 'ad A friendly chat
and suited one another, for them others would
fo a-flyin' off to that Exhibishun with their
reakfasts in their throats, and 'er and me
did used to take it more quiet, and it was the
next day but one as I'd 'ad that mess about
the jupong, as 'er and me agreed for to go
into Paris by the 'buss, as was got werry nigh
at 'and. Well, tho' not dressed over light I
felt chilly, and says to 'er, "I'm sure it must
be cold out of doors."
As Boon as I'd got out I found as the weather
'ad changed, and afore I'd been out long I was
downright a-perishin' with cold, and says to
Mrs. Wells as I should like a "petty ware,"
as is what they calls a drop of brandy. She
said as she should like the same; so I says,
"Let's stop a bit, and we can soon ketch the
'buss up;" bo we stops at one of them caffees,
and says to the garsong, "Doo petty wares."
lie says eomethink gibberish like, and
Tarings in the bottle. 1 don't think as ever
I felt more chilled thro', so I says to 'im, "O
eho," as he understood, and brought some 'ot
water, and Mrs. Wells and me 'ad a small
tumbler a-piece. When we'd 'elped ourselves,
that garsong, he come and took away the
brandy, as we 'adn't took much out on. Well,
we set a talkin' and a-sippin' of the liquor, as
wasn't oyer strong, till I Bays, "This won't
0', we shan't fall in with them if we don't
mind;'' and up I jumps and gives the feller
one of them cart wheels, as they calls five
franos; he says a somethink, and 'olds up 'is
two fingers.
I says, "What do you mean ?" and he goes
and fetches the brandy-bottle, as was almost
empty, all but a drop, not more than a tea
spoonful at the bottom.
I says, "We've never drunk all that 1"
He begins to jabber and scream; so I goes
up to the lady as was a-settin' at the counter,
with 'er 'air done very nice, and bottles all
afore 'er, and shows 'er the bottle, and says
'Jammy," as means never. I couldn't make
nothink of 'er, and if that waiter didn't fetch a
f&t man out of another place as had been
playin' dominoes, and they both begun at me.
Mrs. Well, Bhe says, 'Oh, pay 'em, and
let's go." .
I says, "Seven francs, as is nearly six shil
Un'a for two sixoenn'orths of brandy and
waffir never t Janimv." I ken' a-sayin'. and if
that wftsabone of a waiter didn't ketch up my
parysol as was a-lyin' on the little marble
table, and so I says, "You give it up, or I'll
make you," ana snaices my nut at ilu, uu n
that other party didn't call in one of them
Burjons-de-will, as nearly scared Mrs. Wells
to death, and she took and paid the two
fvanna
I give it 'em pretty 'ot, I can tell you, as I'm
en iiTiWstnoA what I meant thro' me
a-makin' grimaces, jest like their own ways of
foin' on, till that teller as were vuo yrvyuvwi,
ftin!B. ktehed 'old on me by the shoulders,
and turned me out of the place, and jest atthe
door who should come up but a young man as
nroo o.iin alone with us. a3 spoke French,
and if them awdaclous wretches didn't show
1m the brandy-bottle, and say as we'd
emptied it, as I can swear only took two
nt them "nettv wares" a-pieoe, and I shouldn't
ave minded it 'arf so much only I'm pretty
sure aa that young man didn't believe me; and
when we met Brown at the place, as we o ap
nointed. the fust thinir as he said was, ''Well,
old cal. you've been 'avin' a pretty good turn
at the brandy," as made that young man roar
with larfture, and I was that put out as i said
I'd eo 'ome at once, and would 'ave done it,
too, only didn't like to leave Mrs. Wells, as
can't a-bear Mrs. Archbutt, and wont speak to
Miss Tredwell, as is certingly downright sick
ening, with 'er hairs a-pretendin' to speak
Trench as she don't know no more on than a
cow. in my opinion, and a-goin on that foolish
as made me blush for 'er, for I can't a-bear
anythink as is bold in a fieldmale, particklar
" . t J. 1 . 1 . 1 i . 1 1
among foreigners, as is uniy wo g'u to piou
'rtlea in anv one's coats.
It was acreed as we'd go . to Wer-
oniAB In a carriage, the lot on us
as was the Archbutts and Wellses, Miss
Trolvnll. with Brown and me, and a
werry nice gentleman, as said he'd accompany
tia for to explain things, but that old Archbutt
be kep' on a-botherin' about goiu by rail, so
lie was give in to; not by my will, for he's jest
o,a vrv one as I likes to contradict.
I must say as I thinks I was dressed nice,
for I'd cot on things as made me look uncom
mon genteel, which was a blue musling and a
white jacket with pink nbbms run hro' it,
and I my leghorn bonnet, as the nbbms was
froned out and looked quite new, as it did
t0U for only fresh trimmed at the
Lend of las summer, and only on my 'ead
u . , ...i emt a cood deal crushed
hat, dunce of a . cabman, a-let
thro
? . 1,1 box fall on it, and with my
in' the big .pox . , ,
tin
?nd B"V the wor d for my Coburg cloth
ale8.
THE DAILY ETIw uTJAyrA-'" FRIDAY,
The way as they put you into them waitin'
rooms, as ia like pens at the railway", is
werry aggrawatin', and parties kep' a stanu
at me. and some on 'em called ine the
belly Ilanglaife, and Borne on 'em shoved
uncommon rude when the doors was opened
for to let us on to the platform; and when
we'd cot into the carriage Miss Tredwell Bays
to me. "I wonder, Mrs. Brown, as you dresses
that conpicuou8, for every one was a-Btarin
at you." . ,, ....
I says, "Me drens conopfcuous ! well, I like
that, partikler from you," for she was a reg'
lar guy, with one of them red Grabidaldi
jackets on, and a yaller musling skirt, and a
thing like a cheese plate on the top of 'er 'ead,
trimmed round with bead3, for a 'at, and a
lump of 'air Btuck on the back of 'er 'ead for a
chignon, as she wanted to make believe was
'er own 'air, when, bless you, she aint got six
'airs of a side growin' nat'ral, and I'm sure that
thing looked like a hairy deformity a-growin'
out the back of 'er 'ead, with a face as is ugly
as sin, in a pair of spectacles into the bargain,
as of course she can't 'elp thro' not 'avin' made
'ereelf, as the sayin' is.
We was werry pleasant in the train all but
for Miss Tredwell, as got a-talkiu' to a minis
ter as were llenglish, with a lot of boys with
'im, as was 'dressed up like a Catholic priest,
leastways somethink like, as said he were a
Catholic, as made a Irish party pitch into 'im,
along with Miss Tredwell, one a one side and
the other, till Brown says, "I'd advise you all
to drop it and let the gentleman alone, and let
'im be what he likes."
"Yes," says the Irish party, "but he says
he's a priest and he ain't."
Miss Tredwell, she says, "If he's a minister
let 'im talk like one. "
So I says to the Irish party, I says, "You
didn't believe he was a priest, now did you ?"
She says, "Mot a bit on it."
"Well, then," I says, "You ain't 'urt;"
and as to Miss Tredwell, she believes jest what
she likes, whatever any minister may tell 'er,
60 it don't much signify what he talks about,
for if she don't like it she can lump it, as the
Bayin' is.
So I says, "We're out for to spend a plea
sant day, and not to interfere with one an
other's religions, as an't nobody's affairs but
our own."
So Miss Tredwell says, "lie's a-livin' in the
same 'ouse along with me. and a-eoin on with
them boys jest like a papist, as quite puts me
out."
I says, "You must be touchy for that to put
you out;" but I think as she was put out
really, with 'er faceache as were that bad as
she said as the train 'ad give 'er cold.
i says to 'er, "you'll escuse me, but," I
Bays, "it's your teeth as wants a-lookinV
"jNo," she says, "they don't." quite short;
"mtr teeth's fust-rate." '
I says. "Then they may be useful, but is not
bornamental," thro' bein' a reg'lar set of
cioves in 'er mourn.
"Well," she says, "you can't talk about
teeth, as has only got one."
I says, "You'll escuse me, my back ones is
Bound, tho' only one left in front, thro' a
clothes prop a-fallin' on 'em."
bhe only give a sneerin' smile like, and turns
away 'er 'ead; but she got up the next mornin'
with 'er face swelled up like a lump of dough.
mere was a werry nice old French, gentle
man as spoke English in the carriage with us,
thro' 'avin' of a English wife, as I couldn't
cotton to at all, as the sayin' Is, for she would
Keep a-runnin' down England and the English,
as put me out.
Certainly, Wersales is a werry fine place,
tho' dismal for to look at, and decided over-
F rowed. They may well call it Wersales, for
never did taste such a disgustin' glass of
beer, as served me right for 'avin' of it, for I'd
been caught with their beer afore, a3 filth is
the word.
I never did see sich miles of picters as there
is at Wersales, and I says to Mrs. Archbutt,
"It a all werry fine to paint them battles, but,
in course, they wasn't never fought in this
world."
So the old Frenchman as spoke English, he
says, "Oh, yes, they are victories of France
all over the world."
"Yes," says 'is wife, a chimin' in, "they've
conquered every nation."
I says, "You'll eseuse me, mum, but they've
never conquered one."
She Bays, "Yes, every one, and will again."
I says, "Rubbish I" and walks on a-talkin'
to Mrs. Archbutt, thro' not a-wantin' to 'ear
'er; but she would keep on at it, sayin',
"France for ever 1" till at last I says, "Oh,"
I says, "Waterloo 1" for I was savage, not
a-thinkin' as her French 'usband would 'ave
'eard me, thro', in course, not wishin' to 'urt
their feelin's.
lie Hew at me like ravin' tigers, a-sayin as
the English never did conquer at Waterloo.
"No, no," he says, "no, it was a grand retreat;
but the French was never beat."
"Oh," I says, "indeed; then 'ow about Sent
'Elener f"
The temper as that man showed, and 'is wife,
too, as I couldn't 6tand it from 'er. I says,
"Your 'usband may go on, thro' being a be
nighted foreigner; but as to you, I ain't no
patience with you, as did ought to be ashamed
on yourself, for if you like to marry a for
eigner, do it in welcome, 'owever old, as I
wishes 'im joy on you;" and I says, "I don't
care for none of you, as is a mean-sperrited
lot!" for all the English turned agin me. But
I says, "Whatever you may Bay, Waterloo is
Waterloo; and all as I've got to say is as we
did beat 'em, and we'll do it agin if there's any
occasions;' ' and off I was a-walkin' all of a 'urry,
a-quite l'orgettin' about them boards bein' that
slippy, and away goes my 'eels, and I felt I
was a-fallin'; bo 1 ketches 'old on the fust
thing for to save myself by, as proved to be
that old Frenchman's coat-tail, as gave way
with a rip up the back, and down we goes
together.
llis wife, she says, "Let 'im go, you old
wixen 1" and in tryiu' to lift 'im up, down she
goes too, and there we waa all three a-sprawlin',
and the others a-larfin' that wiolent as they
couldn't 'elp us up.
Two of them men as looks arter the
rooms come up a-lookiu' werry sour, and
Bpeakin' that gruff as didn't seem to Bee
no joke in it, and I'm sure I didn't. So
I says, "I'm shook dreadful, and it's a shame
to polish 'em up like this, for whoever is to
walk on sich boards as is like lookin'-glaas
and ice for slirpiuess, and I do believe as you
does it a-purpose."
Jest then Brown come back, and says,
"Whatever are you a-settiu' on the lloor for I"
"Well." I savs. "I shall like to set 'ere a
bit. for I'm that tired, and I can't keep my
feet." So he ketched 'old on me, and give
me a jerk up a3 pretty nigh knocked my
bonnet oil'.
I Bays, "Let mo ketch 'old of 'your
barm, for walk I can't;" and what
with 'im a-'oldin' me, and a-taking werry
short steps, I manaced for more to totter
than to walk thro' them rooms, as is a
deal too long to please me; and Brown wasn't
over-pieasant company, as give me a reg'lar
jobation, thro' me a-telliu' 'im about my sayiii'
Waterloo.
So he says, "Don't you let me 'ear you jag
gerin' ntf more about sich a subject, as you
didn't never ourht to mention afore the
reuch; and you did, ought, at your time of
life, to 'ave more sense in your 'ead than
illudeto."
I fnys, "I didn't gd to do it."
"Well, then," lie eays, "no more on it, if
you please." -
I was that tired with walkln' about
that pallis, and I waa for to go into
the gardingn and see the graud hose
as they plays the water-works with,
and there I see the old Frenchman and 'is wife
as glared at me.
Well, parties was a-rushln' all one side of
them fountings, bo I Bays to Mrs. Archbutt,
"Let's come this way, as no one else ain't
a-goin', ' ' and jest then they took and,turnod the
water that strong, as the wind took, and it
come slap over me and Mrs. Archbutt, and
'arf drowned us.
She was in a towerin' rage, and said as I'd
done it for the purpose, as I'm sure I'd got
quite as much on it as 'er, but she's been that
cross-grained for ever bo long, bo she must get
pleased agin, and off she walked a mutteriu',
"Old fool."
We was a-goin' to dine at the Tally Royal.
So I Bays, "We don't want only a bit of
lunch," so I Bays to Miss Tredwell, as was
walkin' alone thro' 'avin' 'ad words with
every one, "What would you like f"
"Oh," Bhe BayB, "somethink light, pastry
like." So we goes into a pastrycook's ehop
on our way to the train as we was a-walkin' to
Blow along with another lady as 'ad jined us
thro' bein' in the same 'ouse, and a-talkiu'
friendly.
W7e 'ad a few small cakes and a glass of the
winergariest wine a-piece as ever I tasted, and
if they didn't take and charge us 'arf-a-crown,
leastways three francs, as is the same thing
when you turns it into our money, as was a
downright swindle, and I wouldn't 'ave paid
it, only I'd given the young girl a five-franc
piece, so in course she collared the lot.
I couldn't make 'er understand much, but
I kep' on a-sayin' "filloo," as I knows is
French for thief, and walks out of the shop, as
is a reg'lar set of 'orse leeches overywhere.
It's downright dreadful the price of every
thing and I'm sure if it wasn't as Mr. Cook
manages wonderful for parties, nobody couldn't
come to Paris at all, but things as Princes, and
even the Prince of Wales 'isself 'ad to look to
the money, and was drove to beer at the Ex
Libishun,ila3 in course is a thing as he'd look
down on in a gen'ral way as beneath 'im.
Wersales is a werry unpleasant pavement
to walk on, and glad I was for to get to the
train, where we met the others, and bo got
back to Paris in good time, as is a blessin', for
I can't a-bear that shovin' and scrougin' for to
get a train, as am always afraid of bein'
pushed under the wheels, as would make short
work of any one.
I must say as some of them picters about
battles is werry grand, but you can see who
does the work, lor there was the kings and
hemperors a-settin' quite easy on their 'oases,
and them poor sojers a-bein' killed all round,
and all 1 got to Bay, more fools them
to go and light over a thing as won't
bring them no good, but make widders and
orphins, and you wouldn't ketch me a-fightin',
not excep' any one was to come for to inwade
us, and then I'd 'ave every man, woman, and
child turn to, 'cos that's fightin' in self-defense;
but to Bee them Bojers a-rushin' on like wild
beasts to kill their feller-creaturs, is enough
to turn any one sick, and I wouldn't be in
their boots as orders it to be done, not for a
trifle.
Them French dinners waries a eood deal.
and I'm sure as some of them as is cheapest
is best, and a werry nice dinner we got for
two irancs ana a-ari in tne rally Koyal, as
ain't dear when you comes to think, tho' in
course the wine ain't no great shakes, and re
quires you to take a "petty ware" or two
arter it, as we did out in the cardincs. as ia
werry well, but it 'ad turned that chilly. I
may say com, ana mere was miss Tredwell, a3
reouired all 'er warm shawl fhr Waulf thrnf a
'owlin' with toothache. So I savs to the ladv
as I'd made friends with, "This won't suit me,
I shall get 'ome." So she says, "So shall I."
"An," l says, "i dare say your pa's expectin'
you," for I'd Bee 'er about the place with a old
man.
She Bays, "That's my 'usband."
I says, "Oh, indeed." I says, "Some parties
does look holder than their hages;" for I didn't
know what to say, and felt as I'd put my foot
in it. v
So we left the rest on 'em, as said they was
a-goin' somewheres; and off me and the lady
goes to ketch the 'buss by what they calls tho
Bourse, and 'ad to wait there some time,
thro' there bein' bo many a-goin'. At last we
was off, but not afore the rain begun; and as
to the cold, I was downright perishiu'; and
them 'bussmen is that contrairy, for if he
didn't take us ever so far wrong, and we 'ad
to walk 'ome at least a mile in torrents of rain,
and all as I was fit for was bed, arter a cup of
'ot tea, as was the only thing as I'd relished
all day.
Brown he come in werry late, and said as
they'd all been for to see 'orsemanship, at a
Burk, as they calls it.
"Well," I says, "you're welcome to go for
me, as don't care about them things." But he
says as it were wonderful. We was fast asleep
as churches, as the sayin' is, and I was
a-dreamin' of fightin' with that old Frenchman
about Waterloo, and thought I was 'ammerin'
at 'is 'ead, as sounded 'oiler; but when I was
woke up, there was somebody a-'ammerin'
somewheres, bo I listens attentive, but didn't
care for to get out of bed; and as to Brown,
when I told 'im about it, he only says, "Let
'em 'ammer, as ain't at our door," and goes
oil'.
But in the mornin' we 'eard the reason as
they was a-'ammerin', for if Mrs. Archbutt
'adn't been and took the key of Miss Tred
well's door into 'er room, so she couldn't get
in, and Miss Tredwell 'ad to set up in the
Sally Mangy all night; and a pretty rage she
were in, for she declared as Mrs. Archbutt 'ad
done it for the purpose, thro' their 'avin'
quarrelled at the surk, as made Mrs. Archbutt
leave fust; and when she got 'ome, went and
collared Mins Tredwell's key, and pretended
ehe didn't 'ear a sound all night, as must be
as deaf as 'er 'usband. But 1 must say as it
served Miss Tredwell right, for she'd a werry
nice room next ourn as Bhe would move out
on, because she didn't like bein' so 'igh up, as
Bhe said itdidn'tsound well; a stuck-up hidjot,
and a nice swelled face she'd got, as wasn't
no improvement to her, and couldn't go to the
Louver the next day, as she'd promised to,
a-sayin as ehe'd been, and could show 'em
everythink worth seein', as is 'er blowin
ways; but she 'ad to take to 'er bed, and was
glad for me to ferment 'er face with poppy
'eads, as gives 'er ease; but I must say, of all
the disagreeables as ever I did see, she's
the worst, out and out. Sich a sour, dis
contented temper, and that conceited, as
you'd think 'er a downright beauty, instead
of a fright.
I didn't mean for to go to the Louver myself
no more, but they all says to me, "Oh do
come, Mrs. Brown, 'cos you've been afore, and
can tell us all about it."
"Well," I says, "I ain't no objections,
though it would take wollums." So go we
did, a party. As is certingly a noble place,
and some of them picters fa werry well, tho'
I' ve 'eard Bay as they was stole, a good mvi
on 'em, out of other countries, by old Boney,
and a good many bad to be give back.
What I likes best at the Louver is them
royal robes as is a-'augbV up in glass cases;
and there's a little shoe as belonged to that
poor dear queen, with 'er 'ead out off; and
there's everythink as Bonyparty did use to
wear, down to 'la tooth-brush ; all
except what Madame Tusso 'ave got
in "Baker Street Bazaar, aa ia the
Iwist, for there's the carriage as he tried for
get away in, and the bed as he died in;
and 'owever they can ?et 'im lay there in
that state, as even the Duke of Wellin'ton
'isself went to look at Mm, as they'd better
put in Ma tomb, as they've got all reaif in,
the Invalids, as we're a-goin' to see, and no
doubt a wonderful man, but why ever couldn't
he stop at 'ome like this one, and set to work
for rebuild the place, as must have wanted it
in them days, as I've 'eard say they 'adnt a
drop of water in the 'ouse, as wants many
improvements still, tho' werry nice to look at
outside, and certingly werry pretty, and
all done up gay; and as to the fur-
nishin', it looks that elegant lit up of
a night, as Is line lairy-iand. uut give
me what's plain and wholesome afore
all your finery, as is only gimorack
arter all. And the floors at that Louver
was as bad as Wersales for bein' slippery, and
p'raps it's done for the purpose, for to prevent
any one a-hookin' oi it too sudden, as migut
be a-carryin' Bomethink off, and wouldn't
never get far; leastways, I shouldn't, for I waa
a-slippin' about all the time, and wouldn't
'ave minded if I'd 'ad my umbreller, as is
always a Bupport, and done no 'arm to nothink,
for I'm sure I shouldn't never 'ave took it off
the ground.
But as I were a-saying: about that Louver,
it's a noble place, and done up all beautiful for
to show to them kings and hemperors a3 is
a-comin' on a wisit, one down and the other
come on, as the sayin' is, 'cos, in course it
wouldn't do for to 'ave a lot of 'em all
tocether at a time as would lead to words.
a-talkin' over their kingdoms, as they're all
a-trym' to do one another out on, and 'im as
is the strongest will in course get his way,
certingly this 'ere hempire 'ave a wonderful
harmy of 'is Jiown. I don't know 'ow many
millions, but the place reg'lar swarms with
sojers, as is all to show off among them other
kings, as no doubt makes them feel wild.
But the way as they gets the sojers is
downright 'art breakin', as Mr. Ditcher
was a-tellin' me they makes every one serve,
a-tearin' on them away from their 'omes,
like as they did a young man as he know'd
as 'ad a aged mother for to support on a
Bitivation of about eighty pounds a-year, as
kep' 'em both respectable, and 'er one a3 'ad
seen better days, when he was drawed and 'ad
to Eerve, and 'is place kep' open for 'im for a
'ole year, as be come back to quite pleased,
but ketch 'em a-lettin' 'im go, and called 'im
back for 'is four years as he 'ad to serve, and
lost 'is place in course, and the poor old lady
broke 'er 'art and died, and was of course a
burden off i's back, but he never settled down
to no good, and was p'raps drove to the Morg
in the end like a-many more.
I was that wild when I found as I might
'ave took my umbreller to the Louver, as
would 'ave been a comfort there and come in
useful, for as we was a-comin' out of it, it was
a-rainin' 'ard, and should 'ave brought it all
but for a party where we wa3 a-stoppin', as is
one of them as must put her oar in, as the
sayin' is, and she says umbrellers ain't al
lowed in there, and so said every one, bo I left
mine. I must say as they do keep up them
pallises beautiful night and day, as makes
Buckingham Pallis look a dingy 'ole, and the
gas a-burnin' beautiful and bright, as is quite
a disgrace to us as inwented it; but I 'eard
parties sayin' as they'd walked over us
everywhere at the Exhibishun, and even cut
us out with our own knives, as we did used to
beat 'em at 'oiler.
I says to Brown, "I don't think as I shall
do that 'ere Exposishun much more, so should
like a good day at it."
"Well," he says, "we'll start early to
morrer, and finish it up."
I says, "I'm agreeable." So he was up
with the lark, as the Bayin' is, and went over
to breakfast, and when we got into the Sally
Mangy ii all the chairs wasn't put with their
faces down like agin the table, so the waiter
he said as it were parties as 'ad come down
'arf dressed, and done it for to secure the
places; but the lady of the 'ouse she come in
and Bee it (and up and spoke like a lady
a-sayin' as it were not fair and she wouldn't
'ave it, and says to me, "Mrs. Brown, mum,
pray take your place."
1 says, "Oh this 'ere little side table will
do werry well for us" as was in the winder;
so down we Bet, and Mrs. Archbutt Bhe come
in jest then a-sayin' as Archbutt was that bad
as he couldn't get up, so us three jest filled
the table as the waiter brought us werry nice
tea and 'ot rolls, leastways new, and 'am and
heggs, as was fresh laid, and plenty of deli
cious butter as I quite enjoyed. Well other
parties come in and took their places at the
other table, and jest then down oome them
parties as 'ad thought to 'ave 'em by turnin'
down the chairs, and one party aa was that
one as was always interferin' and told me
not to take my umbreller to the Louver.
She was one as know'd 'er way about, and
6he says to the waiter, as was a werry civil
party, "That table was secured for me,"
a-pintin' to where we was a-Bettin'. He told
'er as fust come fust served was the rule. So
Bhe says, "Any one as 'ad the feelin's of a
lady wouldn't ave took a table a3 was en
gaged." I says, "Pray, who are you to engage a
table f" I says, "P'raps you'd like to 'ave the
best of everythink, and fust turn."
She says, "That's my table, and if you was
a lady you'd give it up."
I says, "If I was a fool, you mean, but," I
says, "there ain't nothink green about me."
Well, I do think as words would 'ave run 'igh,
only some 'ad done breakfast and got up, and
that ilaunty thing sat down and began a-find-ing
fault with everythink. So I says to Mrs.
Archbutt, "It's my opinion as them as lives
in the cookshop line at 'ome gives theirselves
the most hairs when out."
Oh, Bhe did fly out, that party, and said as
I was a gross insultin' of 'er, and she wouldn't
Bet in the room with me; but she waa too wide
awake not to go en with 'er breakfast, and
kep' a-glarin' at me with 'er mouth fall of roll
and 'am, as I didn't care about; but found
arter aa I'd 'it 'er 'ard thro' 'er bein' in the
'am and beef line, as, in course, I were un
awares of, or I'd never 'ave illuded to the
subjec', as, of course, waa a 'ouiethrust, as the
sayin' is.
They tells me as that Exposlshun is arranged
in border, but I'm blessed if I could make 'eud
or tail on it, for I kep' a-wanderin' on, aud
seein' the same things over and over agiu.
Brown, he waa that dead nuts on the ma
chinery, aa is, no doubt, werry wonderful,
but don't suit nie; so I agreed for to meet 'iia
at Spiera and Pond's, and me, and Mrs. Arch
butt, and another lady, the same na we'd met
at Wersales, went one way, and Brown
another. Aa to Miss Tredwell,
ehe waa in that rage over 'er
key as Bhe wouldn't speak to nobody, and
went back to 'er aunt and uncle; aud when we
met 'er ia the EjcpQaishau, only bowed distant
-AUGUST 10, 1867.
and 'aughty in pasbin, as I'm sure didn't 'urt '
mv feelmV. '
Mrs. Archbutt, she wan quite cVerfal and
'appy all thro'' bein' without 'er 'usband, aa
certingly ia a aggrawatin' old fool. She kep'
a-sayin', "Oh, come beret" and, "Oh, do look
there 1" till I says to 'er, "I ain't a-goin' buitin',
about like this."
"Oh," she Bays, "I wants to see every
think." "Well," I says, "you're old enough for to
take care of yourself, and can meet ua by and
by." So off she walks, and me and that other
lady In the name of Wilby was left alone, aud
waa a-lookin' at them jewels; and I waa
a-Bpeakin' about anyone a-marryin' for them
things without 0 affection, and I see 'er eyes
full of tears.
"Ah 1" she says, "many does it."
I Bays, "I've no patience with them, as 'ad
better go to aervice."
She says, "You're right;" and then I re
membered about 'er 'upband bein' that elderly,
bo I changes the subjee' sudden, thro' a-re-markin'
as I'd 'eard say as there waa kings
and queens a-walkin' about jest lor all the
world like common people, and certingly if
mere was Kings ana queens tuey was com-mon-lookin'
enough, though I see many
a-givin' of theirselves hairs all hover the
place.
I was a-walkin' about, and we come to one
place where there waa a many lookiu' in; so I
says, "What ia it?"
"Oh," they Bays, "only some Turk3
a-makin' real coffee."
"Well," I Bays, "I never know'd aa Turks
made collee, as I always thought grow'd."
"Oh," says a party, "they're a-makin' the
real tning, aa la well worth taatin'."
So Mra. Wilby said, aa 'er 'ead were that
bad, as p'raps a cup of good strong coffee would
ao it good.
"Well," I says. "I've 'eard say that it is a
fine thing for the 'ead."
So in we goes, and them Turks as was called
Tunics, illudin', no doubt, to their 'abits, was
very perlite, and brought us the coffee in a
little cup, as I took a gulp at; and of all the
beastliness as 1 got in .my mouth, aa were
rothin' but 'ot water and coffee-grounds, as
swaiier i couidnTt,.so i Bpit all over the place,
as p'raps wa3 not manners; but I'll teach
them Tunics not to play no more of their
games on me, as ain't one to stand no sich
larks.
I see their eyes a-glarin' at me, as, no
aoubt, would ave liked to 'ave 'am
strung me on the spot, as they do their
own wives, the willlns, a-darin' for to
tie a 'oneat woman up in a sack, and
drewnd her. I should like for to see 'em try
to get me into a sack, as I think they'd 'ave
their work cut out.
I don't know what they charged for that
beastliness of coffee, for Mrs. Wilby took and
paid for it, and says, "Never mind."
She was that broken sperrit, as didn't seem
for to mind nothink.
I ain't no doubt as all them buildin's aa is
about the Exposishun will be werry fine when
finished, but they Beems all in confusion now,
and higgledy-piggledy, as the sayin' is, and
Rooshuns and Prooshuns and them Germans,
along with the Grecians and Swedes, as I did
always used to think meant turnips, thro'
bavin' 'eard Mr. Simpson, aa was a large cow
keeper, speak on 'em often, but turned out
'uman bein's; and then there was them Den
marks, along with the Dutch, let alone Turks
and infidels of all sorts, as put you in mind of
Noah's Ark, as contained beasts of all sorts,
and if 'adn't been for lots of perlice all over the
place, no doubt would 'ave been a-tearin' one
another to bits like wild beasts, but certingly
a wonderful Bight, tho' too noisy for me, and
glad I was when we got to Spiers and Pond's
for a drop of beer, as cooled the mouth, and
that perlite to me as you'd think I'd been a
queen, as they Bays as they know'd me as
well as Queen Wiotoria, as they ain't sure is
a-comin', but if she should will be on the quiet
like me, aa prefers it; for tho' she isa-cheerin'
up a bit, poor dear, yet in course must feel to
'er lite a end, as is becomin' in any woman,
partikler when left comfortable and a grow'd
up family.
The weather kep' a-changin' from cold to
'ot and 'ot to cold all the time as we waa in
Paris, for 1 was perished in my musling at
wersales, and werry nign sullocated a coin
out in my coburg cloth in a chary-bang, aa
they calls it, when we went a party for to see
San Denney, as is a fine church, where they
did used lor to bury me kings and queens;
and if them low-lived wagabones of a mob
didn't go out in a Resolution and took and
pulled the werry dead out of their coffins and
made a bonfire on them, and I'd put a few
on the top on themselves, jeat to see 'ow they
liked it; and I do think aa we'd seed nearly
everytmnk as is worm seein , and all thro
them parties as took us about in them chary
bangs, as is werry convenient, thro' no dust
a-flyin' along of the 'eavyjraiiis aa 'ad reg'larly
deluged the roads, and made it werry unplea
sant for me a-steppin' suddin off the kerb
stone, and missed my foot, and down I come
on all fours and got up a reg'lar mask of mud,
as it s lucky was only sand, and didn't 'urt
myself, tho' it didn't make my coburg look
any me better, and was obligated to throw my
gloves away, and shook my front off as fell
over my eyes, and Mra. Archbutt never told
me on till it dropped, aa is a nasty-tempered
woman, and I don't know aa ever I wishea to
see any on 'em again, tho1 1 must say I took to
Mrs. Wilby, as made erself werry agreeable of a
evenin' where we waa a-stoppin', a-playin' the
pianner, as wa3 worth listenin' to, thro' 'avin'
been a governess, tho' I'm sure for to 'ear some
was downright strummin'; and as to Miss
Tredwell a-singin' "Hever of Thee," I thought
I should 'ave bust myself a-keepin' under my
larfture, as will 'ave a went, aud made Brown
that savage with me; and all aa I've got to say
ia aa I'd go all over the world with Mr. Cook
myBelf, and Brown says the same, as I'm sure
they're ain't nothin' left undone by for to
satisfy parties, and I felt like a friend to, and
'is good lady, as I 'opea we may meet agin and
'ave many a pleasant chat, as is always a
pleasure, partikler when you agrees, as it isn't
always aa you can, for some partiea ia that
contrairy aa not a hangol couldn't get on with,
and sich didn't ought to come out on excur
sions, aa all depeuda on partiea bein' that
friendly.
Jo be concluded ',in Thi Evening Telegraph
to-morrow.
a vi i n in i-rr a l
yfePlTIOT&CO.
AWHINON, WAUUH fOVEUS, DAU, KT
H yoo want an extr Awning very cheap, int ocn
awnlnjt makers luke Die measure, and make II from
a lot of l.'UO hoKpltal tenia, lately purcliajted by ua,
luuny ot which are entirely new, anil ot Ilia bent 12
onure ilnnk. Aluo, Oovtuuuieut Barittlmand llaruuu
of all kiuda, eU', VI VMS fc o.,
mil tiot. 837 and S3D Nort VKONT HlreeL
WILLIAM B. QRAh
COMMInHION MF.KCHANT,
No. U B. UJiXAWAKK Avbuub, 1'hUadeluhla,
AVE NT JTOlt
Dupont't Gnnpowder, Kellued Nitre, Charcoal.EI
W. linker Co.' C!li"'''laie, Cocoa, and Brnma.
("rorker Iiros. A (J0.1 Vullow MeUU HhtaUiU
liolU, aud
PROPOSALS
KOrosAT.R FOU FOUA.GE AKD BTA-
rniLADKl.MIIA DltPOT, ' "
LNT QCAHl F.itMAaTKR'a OrriCE. f '
XU. 113a UlKAlin HT11KKT,
Assistant
Rraled I'rorosals will bereeelved atthlsOm
tintll 12 o'clock, M., 1UEWDA.Y, AugiiHt a) "o7
for luriilMUiiB tlila Depot w'lth W4eror a
period of six (ul months, commencing Sepum.
IX)KN, OATd, H.AY, AND RTUAW. '
for the use ol animals lathe publlo service at
this depot, or at any other locality within all!
('ured 01 Uly f 1miadelPbla. when rl
All grain to be of the best quality,
pounds to tho bushel; Corn, So poundatothe
luiHhel; Hay, ot the best quality Pennsylvania
Timot hy; (straw, to be of Itj e.of the best qua
lily. All subject to inspection prior to delivery
l'roposals will slate price per Hundred pounds
for liny and (st raw, and per bnshel for Corn and
Onts, delivered at places of consumption In
such quantlttea and nt such times as maybe
ordered. (The price to be stated both lu words
and figures.) , B 3
, STATION ERY. JvJ
Pealed Proposals will also be received at Ihla
Ollee until 12 o'clock M., TUESDAY, August
2J), lfc07, for furnishing this Depot with sta
tionery, for a period of one (1) year, com
mencing (September 1, 1H07, and ending the Slut
day of AiiRust, lsos, inclusive, viz.:
tollopost Paper, to weigh not lens than 38
pounds to ream; LKal Cap Paper, to wergh not
less than 18 pounds to ream; Cap Paper, Plain
aud Killed, to weigh not less than 14 pounds to
ream; Letter Pnper, Plain and Huled, to weigh,
pot ltss than 12 pounds to ream; Note Paper,
1 lain and Killed, to weigh not less than 6
pounds to ream; Knvelope Paper, to weigh not
less than 40 pounds to ream; Common Printing
Paper; White Blotting Board, size 19x21. tu
weigh not less than 1U) pounds to ream.
,)V1-le Envelopes; size, 8x8'4, 4x9, lUxlOU,
olixUJ. Letter Envelopes, white; size, 8x5U.
Letter Copying Books; size, 9x11; 750 pages.
Cap Copying Tlooks; size, 10x14; 750 pages.
Blank Books, 8 to 12 quires, derni, half-bound,
patent backs, Russian corners. Blank Books. 2
to tt quires. Bxl8, half roan, 20 sheets to quire.
Memorandum Books, deml, 8vo., flush, 6(1
leaves. '
Arnold's Fluid. Writing and Copying; Black
Ink "David's;" Carmine Ink, "David's,"
bottles, glass stoppers; Inkstands, glass, as
sorted sizes; Penholders, assorted: Steel Pens
Glllotl's," 2112, 803, 4U4, 604; Steel PensT-lIarS:
son and Brad lord's," 14, li, 20, and o05- Lead
Pencils. "Faber's," Nob. 2 and 8; Paper fasten,
ers, "Hamilton's" and "Boynton's;" Office
Tape, rolls, No. 23, 100 yards to roll; Order Flies
assorted, as per sample; Sealing Wax, "best
specie bank;" Wafers, 4-oz. boxes; India Rub
ber, "Faber's Improved Artist's;" Rubber Ink
Kraser, "Faber's;" Mucilage, 4-or, 8-oz., and
quart bottles; Gum Bunds, assorted sizes
L'rasers, "YVoatenholm'e;" 'French Violet
All of the above-named articles to be of the
best quality and to be subject to Inspection.
Samples of the articles of Stationery bid for
must be delivered at this oltlce twenty.four
(24) hours previous to the opening of the bids.
Kach bid must be guaranteed by two respon
sible persons, whose signatures must be ap
pended to the bid, and certified to as being
good and sufficient security for the amount in
volved, by the United States District Judge.
Attorney, Collector, or other publlo officer.
Blank forms for bids can be had on applica
tion at this office, and bidders are requested to
be present at the opening of the same.
The right Is reserved to reject any bid deemed
too high, and no bid from a defaulting con
tractor will be received.
Endorse envelopes, "Proposals for Forage and
Stationery," respectively.
By order of
Brevet MaJ.-Gen. G. H. CROSMAN,
Asst. Quartermaster-Gen. U. 8. A.
HENRY W. JANES, '
Captain and Asst. Quartermaster,
810 8t Brevet Major U. 8. A, '
IMPROVEMENT OF THE DES MOINES
IlAPlDa OF THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER.
U. 8. Enginkkh'8 Office, 1
' , . Davenport, Iowa, July 24, 1807. 1
sealed proposals, In duplicate, will be re.
celved at this office until 12 M., WEDNESDAY,
September 4, 1807, for excavating the prism ana
constructing the embankment wall of the
Canal for the Improvement of the navigation
of the Mississippi river at the Des Moines
Kflplds.
The Canal is to be abont 7 (seven and one
half) miles long, extending from Nashville to
Keokuk, Iowa. The width at the water surface
lnslile the canal to be 800 (three hundred) feet
In embankment, and 260 (two hundred aud
fifty) feet in excavation, and In low water to ba
5 (five) feet deep. All the material excavated,
from the prism of the canal to be used lu build
ing the embankment. The latter throughout
the greater part of the distance will be about
800 (three hundred) feet from the Iowa shore.
Where rock excavation occurs, the bottom of
the canal will have a slope of 1 (one and one-
)i n ! M InnhMtnlhamlla TK. ..... i 1 . ...
- -- , ........ ..nu vuiunu&iuout in
to be built of earth clay and rock; to be 10 (tenv
feet wide on top, including the rip-rap cover
ing: to be 2 (two) feet above high-watermark,
with slopes of VA (one and one-half) base to 1
(one) vertical. The average thickness of the
rip-rap protection to be 2 (two and one-half)
feet on the river side, 2 (two) feet on the canal
side, and 1 (one) loot on top.
All propositions must state the prlceat which
each and every kind of work specified in the
proposal Is to be done, and no bid will be con
sidered that Is not definite In this respect.
The Government reserves the rlffUt to reject
any and all bids. , . . ,, .
A printed copy of this advertisement must be
attached to each proposal.
Each bid must contain a written or printed
guarantee signed by two responsible persons.
Blanks for proposals of the form required
with form of guarantee, will be furnished at
this office on application.
The price or prices In the contract will be con
sidered as Including the expense of furnishing
all the materials and performing all the work
according to the plana and specifications exhi
bited at the letting.
The entire cost of the canal la estimated at
J2,068,815 (two million slxty-elnht thousand
three hundred and forty-five). Theamouut ap
propriated by Congress Is 8700,000 (seven hun
dred thousand dollars) the ooutraot can only
be made to cover this amount.
Fifteen (15) per cent, of the amount of any
work done or materials furnished, at the con
tract price thereof, will be reserved until tho
whole work which Is the subject of contract
shall be entirely completed.
Persons desiring further Information can
obtain the same by culling at this office, where
maps, plans, specifications, and form ol con
tract can be consulted.
. Proposals must ba addressed to the under
signed, and should be endorsed "Proposals for
work on the Improvement of the Des Moines
Hapids." J. li. WILSON, , .
Lieut.-Col. 85th Infantry,
, 7 30 4w Bvf Major-Oeneral U, U. Army.
INTERNAL REVENUE'
REVENUE STAMPS
FOR BALE AT THK
PRINCIPAL AGENCY,
SO. 07 MOUTH T11IBD fcTItKET, I'JUL
A LIBERAL DISCOUNT ALLOWED.
Orderslor Stamped Checks received, aud delivered
with despatch ,
Orders by mall or express promptly attended to.
7201m
JTATOB Ti. BIIKIWAT,
HARDWARE, CUTLERY, ETC,
C U T L E li Y. .
O?-- Ii ,A flne assortment of POCKKTaiid
j-wi UAZOH STUOI'8. LADIKM' sei-
L. V. IIJLMOLD'8
Cutlery Store, No. 136 Houth TENTH Btreot, ;
It Threg doors ahAve Walnut.
PK1VY WEL1.8 OWKKUS OF PUOPEIiTY-
0u.luftcl.edai very low prices, "",
' JL PKTKOH,
Mamifamirer of Ji(lr(.t, t
IUi GOLDSMITH'S hali i.i h h a ft, y HrA ,