THE DAILY EVENIMG TELEGRAM FIIILADELFIIIA, TUESDAY, AUGUST 13, 18GTL
G
:he latent humor.
2M1CM. IIKOWN'H VIHIT
TO TUB
PARIS EXHIBITION.
WHAT Till: OLI LADY SAW AM)
DID T1IEKE.
BY ARTHUR S K E T C II L E Y,
AUTHOrt OF "THE 1IKOWN PAPERS."
TO THE READER.
It may b( nnceesary for me to give a fhort ex
planation of the circiiiiisnmcca un lcr which I
became cognizant t Mrs. Hrown'a proceedings
at tne Paris Exhibition, and I will do fo In as
lew words us possible. It was a remarkably
hot day In the early part of last month tuat I
encountered Mrs. lirown at the Exhibition. She
was Beated at erne ot the refreshment stalls par
taking ot some bottled stout, Bausuge, bread and
butter, which she termed "a 'asiy smack.,'1
though it certainly occupied a considerable time
to get through. It was duriug that repast that
she Wd me a small portion of her adventures',
in which I naturally telt so deep an interest that
I availed myself of a kind invitation she guve
me to pay her a visit and hear the sequel on her
return to town, as 1 was unfortunately unable to
remain in Paris with her. But though not an
eye witnobs of all that belel her, I can vouch tor
the authenticity ot all the statements made by
this worthy lady, aud recommend her as a sate
guide lor those who may desire to visit the (ireut
J-.xlilDitton of 1SG7. Akthcr Sketch ley,
Loudon, 1st July.
m:s. bro vws visit to the paris
EXHIBITION.
I don't think, Mr. Scralchley, as ever I shall
'old up my 'ead agin, as the eayln' is, for of all
the dead beat foel ns as ever I had, this Is the
vust, atd do, I assure you, as no I've got
onto this chair, 1 feels as tho' I'd took root in
it, for I never did see sicn a place as this Paris
for knot kin' any one up. as well I remembers
the last time as I were here, crippled mo for
months, and certingly I wow and declare as
Bethink would'nt make me come 'ere agin; aud
when Brown come in and said as he was a-goiu'
to Paris, I says, "Well, then," I says, "leave mc
at 'ome;" but you see as 'uinan natur is weak,
and 'ere I am, tho' only arrived the night afore
last, and wouldn't 'avo believed it, only Brown,
lie says as it would be a sin and a shame
for to miss such a change of goin' there for nest
to nothink 1
I says, "Whatever do you mean by next to
nothink 7"
"Why," says Brown, "there's a party in the
name of Cook as makes excursions all over tuo
world."
I say9, "Then I'm glad as I ain't 'is good lady;
but," 1 says, V'do you mean to say as ne makes
excursions all over the world, liice aa they did
used to take us to tho Itye 'Ouse of a Whit Mon
day?" And well I remembers poor Mm. Alder,
the butcher's lady, as pitctied out of the wan 'ead
foremost thro' a-3tretchiu' out too far for to look
bt the wiew, and H she 'adn't stuck between the
two sbarlls and the 'osses tails, must 'ave been
trampled to death in an instant, as shows aa it's a
mercy sometimes for to be a lusty rigger, the same
as Mrs. Beales, as trod on one of them round irons
in the pavement as they lets the coals down
thro', aud if she'd teen a inch less round the
waist wouldn't never 'ave 'ung there a-danglin',
till drawed up, thro' pasin' of a clothes line,
under 'er arm 'oles, as cut 'er dreadful, but bet
ter any 'ow than a wiolent death.
Brown, he says, "When you've quite done a
clackin', p'raps you'll listen to reason, as ain't a
thing to be looked tor in a woman."
I says, "Mr. Brown, you're mighty clever, no
doubt; but it you're a-goiug to insult my sect, I
don't want to near no more about it."
He says, "Oh, pray, don't 'ear if you don't like:
tut," he says, "as several lriends of yourn is
a-goin', I thought p'raps as you'd like the trip,
and all done with no trouble nor epence."
I says "Whoever Is a-goiu' ?"
"Well," he says, "there's Mr. and Mrs. Paine,
and Miss Tredwell, and Mr. and Mrs. Archbutt,
and the Wellses."
I says, "I ain't no objection to the Archbutts,
nor yet to Mrs. Wells, out ai to 'er 'usbaud, he's
a reg'larhidjit, and tbutMiss Tredwell is a tlirt."
He says, "I never did 'ear such a woman to
find fault as you are, Martha. Wny, you'd tiud
out blemishes in a hangeL"
I says, "That ain't Miss Tredwell, tho' you are
always a-cryin' 'er up, lor she's no hangel."
Tho' the moment as I 'earu she were a-goin', I
says, "I'm there," lor I wasn't a-goin' to let 'er
'ave a chance of plsonin' Brown's mind agin me,
as I know'd as she'd glory in, tor tho' not a
jealous disposition, aud, goodness knows, no
cause; yet it's more than flesh and blood can
stand, to think as your own 'usband's been
set agin you, with nobody nigh for to take your
part
Bo I Bays, "Well then, Brown, let's 'ear about
it."
"Well," he lays, "it's Cook's escursion, as I
were a-sayin'."
"Ah," I says, "let's 'ope there ain't too many
cooks, as we all knows will spile toe broth;" as
I'm sure, Mr. fcSeratcbley, is true with these 'ere
French, as is all cooks; and I never tasted sich
rubbish as their broth, hs they calls bullion, a
don't taste of notnink but water and grease, as
they'll lap up by the quart, as can't do 'em no
rood."
Brown, be was a-losln' 'Is temper, and says to
me. "Are ou auoin' to listen or not?"
I says, "You needn't be down my throat, jest
cos i opens my mouiu.
He says, "Take and read it yourself."
"No." I savs. "you esplain it clear to me."
"Well, then," be says, "you can go and see
this 'ere Exhibition m pans, and stop a week,
lor about five pounds, as is cheap."
"Yes," I eas, '.'but none of their dirty 'oles to
live in, and all manner of beastliness lor to eat,
s the werry sight on gives me the 'orrors."
He says, "I've heard say as every think is tust
rate, and as Mr. Cook looks arter it all 'isself, as
is a 'ighly respectable party."
"Well," I says, "I should 'ope bo, or else you
won't ketch me a-fllandeiiu' about Paris with
him, as is a bold place; and you do ought for to
be werry careful 'ow you goes on, for them
loreigners is a lot as makes uncommon free."
"Well," says Brown, "I don't thlnic as you'll
ketch any one a-makin' too free with you in a
urry."
"Ah," I says, "Brown, there was a time when
jou wouldn't 'ave spoke that light about it."
"Yes," he says, "that were afore yoi took to
a front," and bursts out a-lartin', as 'urt my
leelins'. though I wouldn't let 'im Bee it.
"Well," he says, "are you agreeable for
to go 7"
1 says, "I am, Brown, thro' 'avln' wowed for
to obey you."
"Ob,'' he says, "don't mind that; stop at 'ome
if vou likes."
1 says "No, Mr. Brown, I goes where you
poes, and stops where vou etops."
"Well then," he says, "bo ready by Satur
day."
And so I was, tho' not a day as I likea to leave
Homehow I didn't feel as I were a-goin' on
fiatnrdav and so it turned out. for on Friday
2?enS' BrSwn Lid ai we wasn't to start till the
X7waswe r, glad to 'ave the time for to get
retdy aJd "rtiuBly I must say as Mrs. Porter,
rs is t'he liuudrert, 'ad pot mo up two rausllugs
as is ii e m' 'irwPlv dresses oue a oraug-s
Th en and the other a blue, wl .h
my larec 'alr-tmnk, as a u-eltil Mr.e, and did
oiirfl 'ave bras.t nails all round, as wh nearly
all picked nut by a cork atoo with a ynller top
knot, as was broupbt from rp b.v a captain a
on,;e ludped with me, and was kep' on a perch
wilh a chain to 'is leg, Jest long enough to
reach that box, only one night, and not a nail
In the top on it as he hadn't picked out afore
morn In'. ; .
I couldn't Cud the key of that box nowlij-res,
to sent to ih locksmith as titled one in. I don t
think as ever I did feel a 'otter morning than that
Tuesday as we started; and of all the tempers as
ever a man did show, It was Hrown, as I sayn.
"Heaily it's quile awful for anv one as is goiu'
to sea (or to use sich langwldge over a boot
lace, as is enough to bring down a judgment on
jou;" the SHine as that boy as went to sea thto'
a-sayin' don't care, and was tore to bits by lions,
as I know it's true is found there, thro' a secln'
tine myself ot tho Jewlogical Gardens, as was
that tame and fondled the sailor as 'ad ketched
'im for all the world like a lap-dug. Not as I
should 'ave cared lor 'us nasty slimy ways.
I do think as them cabmen was born for tor
ments, f( r if that there tdjit as come to take us
to the lailway didn't take and drop my box slap
onto my bandbox, as it's lucky I tied up in a
old rhawl, or 1t wouldn't never 'avo 'ung to
gether, and my leghorn bonnet a pancake when
1 took it out.
My lust words to Mrs. Chnllin, as' ad come to
take care of the 'ouse, was, "Mind as you waters
the plants in the Duck, parlor winder, and leeds
my bird, not a-lorgettin' ol the cat," as I'm sure
knowed as I was auoiu', lor he'd been and 'id
'ist-t-lt je-t like a Chrislshun, as many can't a-bear
sayin' good-bye, as I'm one myrfpit. The 'oss
went oil' with sich a jerk as nearly throned mc
'ead first thro' the winder, and Brown, that
savage, a-Bnin', "Whatever are you a-buttin'
at r"
I snys, "I ain't a-buttin' at nothink, hut," I
says, "1 do led that faint as I mu-i have a
somethink." for 1 was all of a tremble, as if
somethink was a-goin' to 'uppen, ai.d arter I'd
took a drain I telt belter; but them railways
always upsets me with their i-creanuus, as there
can't be no sense in.
1 was well wrapped up. for Mr?. Challin, she
says to me, "Depend on it as you'll feel the sea
that cbillv as miubt give you a cold as would
lay you up," as I know'd it certingly might,
lor 1 remembers a cola as 1 toot, wnen a gal,
tbro' a-bathm' at Margate, as is the ren?ou as
I've never took a bath since, ho 1 wore
my coburg clotn and a niitied spencer under it,
with ni? wclwct cape and a warm shawl.
I'd rot on a pair of them webbin' shoes
aud liimb'e-wool Blockin'e, tor thi the weather
was that Bultrv, 1 wasn't a-goiu' to leave off
nothink, a-icmembei in' well the old saying,'
"a'ore May is out, np'er cast a clout," tho' M
took my muslings lor to look dressy over there,
for I know'd as Pans wore u dressy place, and
I'm sure the way as jou erets stared at, nobody
wouldn't credit. 1 was clad when I was sale In
the carriage, aud werry nice company, I must
say, partickler a lady and gentleman as was
a-settin' opposite nie, as 'ad got niv lace to tho
'osses. They was elderly both, but seemed for
to en oy me, ana the old gentleman, ne says,
"Ah, muni, we couldnt 'ave done this when
we was young, as steam wasn't born nor thought
on."
I bats. "Sir. you'll escusc me that it were, for
I well remembers I was only a gal when a party
as lived somewhere out Brompion way, as 'ad a
steain coomng-uiacmne, ana Diow'a 'is own 'end
off toro' a-t.tmpciin' with the taps a-showin' of
it to parties as 'ad come to dinner, which in
course under them circumstances he never
tasted, roor teller. I was quite voting that time
as they opened that railway and killed the Duke
of Wellin'tou, werry nigh, as was only saved
thro' some one elre a tlirowlu"isselt under the
w heels lor to save 'im."
The old geutleman says, "Excuse me, mum,
out you've cot 'out ot tiie wrong story.
I says, "Well," I says, "that's what my own
mother told me, as was one as would 'ave
scorned a ialse'ood; and certingly I remember
myself once oenig aboard a steamer a-goin' to
Margate with a aunt of mine, us the biler on
bust and 'ad to be took over the side aboard of
another, and thought as we'd lost every rag ot
clothes as turned up when least expected on the
Margate jetty, tho'," I eavs, "I'm not a-goin' to
deny as steam is a wonderful inwention, lor all
that."
"Yes," says the old gent, "and found out all
by accident."
I savs. "Yes. and dreadful accidents, too: for
I'm sure it's enough to make you trimble alt over
to take up the paper, and," 1 says, "1 m sure to
read about the way as the train run right over a
bridge the other day."
"Oh," says the old lady, "pray don't, mum,
for I'm that nervous, as any allusions to acci
dents, and must get out at the fust station."
"Ab," I says, "some is bo; but, law, it's no
use a-thlnkin' about it, tor my part, whenever 1
goes out anywheres I gives m.vself up for lost,
and then don't think no more about it, tho'," I
says, "lor to end piecemeal ain't what any one
would like."
Brown, he eays. "Drop It, can't you, don't you
see as you re a-maKin' mis goou iauy quite iuiui,
so nron it."
I did: and talkin' of droppin'. I thought as I
must 'ave been melted down with the 'eat, tuo'
a-lacln' of the wind as blowed things into my
fare constant, and a sonietuinK got in my eye.
as was hacony till the old gentleman got it out
w ith 'Is gold ring, as I've 'eard say Is a fine thing
tor the eye, pattikler lor to cure a sty.
'Owever Mr. Cook could manage to 'ave the
sea that calm as it were a looklu'-glass, i could
never make out. till a young gent as were
n-ut.tin hn nm savs. "Why not 7"
t kbvr "Kecausa we ail know as them ele
phants is outrageous when let loose, as I knows
well, for when I come afore I thought as every
moment was my last, and looked for'ard quite
nat'ral to a briny grave."
Savs the young chap, "Would you try 'omy-
"Well," I says, "I'd owe any one a good deal
as would tave me irom them suffrages."
"Oh," he eays, "one of thee powders will
keep it off." , ...
"Well." I says, "I wish as you'd 'ave kep' it
on me;" for ne was a-goiu- vu iug yni,
and it the wind didn't take and blow it all into
my lace, and a lot went into my eye, aa was
ouite throw'd away, thro' not beia'apartas
ea-slcknes9 is a trouble to.
I rlnn't. think as I should 'ave
nd ft niinlm.
only some nasty blacks was a-settiii'
near me as
ve way to their ttelnrs disgusnir.
190 1 says, 10U oiriy uia-n uti - "i
"'ow dare you to do it!"
He says, "Me no go for to do It.
folt I)
No me
I savs. "Yes. it Is." 1 Bays, v uy cnu .re
turn vour nasty black lace away irom ai y-
i. i, ni,ovi n linnieasaui sicut,
Jte I, o fhlnir 111 tills World 88 I
alio hd a wiwv, , , , ,
emir, they've cot their feelin's. only
tto Kin rnnn; noi uuv wiihk i
bt . ni monu nfullfl Ttl A li tlJ
'V i,ViT.,,.m ..m that affable as you'd
quite take to 'em, and as to cootin', they're
wonderful clever, tho' 1 don't quite lancy the
I've 'eard a deal about thelrways over there in
"Kobinson Crusoe," tho' certainly that hr .lay
were a kiud-'arted savage, as seemed fond ot his
pa, as is 'uman natur s i , too o
a minit like, and wouldn't touch nothink but a
glass of bitter ale; and all I've got to naj is,
that it ever any one did rule tho waves, it 8 Mr.
Cook's escursions. ham
When we got to Dieppe.Brown "'.
gal.it won't never do lor us to get to Paris in the
middle of the night or towards mornin , so 1 tell
jou what it Is, we ll go on to Kiiin. "
"Well," I says, "I don't 'old with goin' to
Ruin, as we could 'ave gone to long ago at ouce
v... . . .v.n main r.hiiiii'p
X telt a lUlie oil (iuenuiy ""vv i. V. Kiii o
uui lor care una a-iooKin u mo
hut. if TnnVo u.nixi i...r I'll hiller."
He says, "Ii's a fine old town, and we can
siet-p there, ana sret on to Paris, to-moirer.
I SaVS. "I'm uirronolja
I ain't got uoth'tik to say agin Ruin, as cer
tingly is a flue town, but I'm sure the fall as I got
a-gettin' into bed with them spring mattresses,
as is wobblv snrt nrthi.,... ar,,i iliro'ma uot bein'
over actlve'in climbin', hi a buster. I got lnt
the bed end alii iDfli tlf' unuln ill All instant, and
don't think a ever I should 'ave got up aaain If
Brown 'adn't eonie in to Vlp me," aud no bones
broke, only a good deal nhook. ' , .
It certinglv Is woncti.rlnl 4t a them old
huitheu that crumbly as you wouldn't think
as the? could 'ang togethfr for a minit, and
called Kuin accordio, 'una werry fine ruins they
crtumly yet I was werrT glad to gt on to
Pan tbro' my thln? bein' sent thro', and 'adn't
a rlmnee of noilnn' for to fcleep id, as ain't
rlerff-ant in a foreign lanri. It's werry well lor
Brown, as got shtved in the nioinln'; but law,
I didn't If el like myself.
01 all the ram as ever I did ff c, it came down
all the way to Paris, as Is thro' green Bells; and
you wouldn't think foreign parts not to look at
'em; and when we eot to Paris, you never did
the crowds a flghtln' lor to get a cab was won
derltil lo see.
Talk ot French politeness, I'm sure that's
rubbish, for the way as tney pushPd aud shoved
about wa9 downright Kngllsh, and ai to them
porters, they didn't mind nothing as I said.
Tbey was certingly worry perlite over my
luggage, and well they might oe, lor 1 'ann t
nothm' smuggled; ana mey b?kcu me ii i n any
thing tor to declare.
Yes," I savs, "I can declare as tncy re my
lawlul property."
Pays the interpreter, "iney aon t mean mat.
I says, "What do they mean 7"
"Why," he cays, "anything for duty."
I savs. "In course not, and shouldn't say so if
I'ad; let 'em find It." .
I uo think we was over a 'our a-wauin- ior
tint cab, and got one at last; and 'adn't to go
werry lur to where we whs a-goin' to Mop, as is
a 'ome as Mr. Cook 'ad prowided, and a
mercy too, lor of all the charges 1 never
did, as Mrs. Archbutt met a friend as
told her they was charem' 'art a crown
for a cuo ot tea as wasn't drinkable, tho' it did
ought to be, lor the price is something tncnttui;
and I'm sure would be worm anyoue s wnne ior
to bring over a pound or two, as nobody needn't
pay more than tour snuiin s now-a oays, as is a
igu price, and not to be 'au accent ior inrue
times the money in Paris.
I was glad tor to get a cup ot tea any ow wnen
I potto where we was a-going', and tell In with
tlie others as 'ad come on, and dead beat they
was, as is only nat'ral; and there was that Miss
Trendwell a-howlin' with the tooth-ache, and
Mrs. Paine, she'd been aud lost all er things, as
made Paine go on any 'ow than was becomlu' ot
a (.'nnstsnun.
As to Mrs. Wells, she's one of them poor
'aportbs of cheese as is always a-goin' to taint,
and did ought to 'ave stepped at 'ome; and as to
Wells, he ain't no more leelin' than a cobbler's
lap-stone, as the sayin' is; and 'er always
a-crjin' as he didn' love her, and quite bothered
me aboaid the steamer, a-sayin' as he did used
once to doat ou the ground as she walked ou
alore she lost'er eye, as certingly is a blemish,
but not one to set a man agin 'is lawful wile; for
1 do believe as lirowu would love me au tne
same, and p raps more, if my 'ead was to bo
knocked off to-morrow, as isoneot them back
bone characters as never changes till you
dies, as is what 1 call a true-'nrted man, tho' a
rough temper, and will speak 'Is mind; and
werry nigh Live a man a 'ot-nn at the railway aa
was a-shovin' ol 'im about too free, ub it's a duty
not lor to let them French trample yon under
foot, aud they'd glory in, no doubt, but will have
their work cut out to do it; leastways, that's
what I thinks.
I don't think as ever I did feel more fresher
than when I btarted tor to see that Exhibition.
and 'ad words with Miss Tredwell a-correctin'
of me. and sayin' as it were a Esposishun
Well," I tays, ' I shouldn't think ot settin'
you right in a 'buss full of people as
knows my way about, p'raps, as well as you,
ttioncu 1 never was at Doaruiu' school
in hrance," as she kep' on a-biowin' about,
and a-sayin' ss' er accens was quite Pitrishiot.
and yet. whenever she did open er mouth, there
wasn't a soul as understood 'er, ana tuat obsti
nate as would 'ave she were right, tho' aperient
to every one as sne were wrong all over, and
made 'erstll that ridiculous with the 'buss man
over the fare as takes your money as soon as
ever you gets In, but she says, "Nong pavez
oncer jammy," dui 'aa pretty soon to. or out
he'd 'ave 'ad her as 'ad a giary eye, and didn't
seem for to care about the English, as, no doubt.
many French can't a-bear 'em as 'ad, p'raps, their
own relations prisoners, same as them as made
them little straw boxes and things as my dear
motcer 'aa one on 'er own sen as tney made.
poor things, and no wonder, as must 'ave 'ad the
time 'ang 'eavy on their 'ands. 'cos, when a young
woman, my aear motner uvea mays maid with a
oflicer's lady as 'ad the charge on 'em, and told
me as 'cr 'art bled for 'em, and so did her mis
susses, part Ikler for one grey-headed old party
as were a Count, or something, and was always
a-trettin' and a-tasin' on, and tliat Kind lady did
used to speak to 'im gentle like, and 'is poor old
French eyes would nil up witn tears, but, bless
you, that proud as they dursn't offer im not
a pitch of snuff asatavor, but at last let out
as he'd got a daughter as was a-dyiu', as he'd
give 'is nie ior to see once more; and he
did, too, ior tnat otiicers laay tne never
rested till she eot him changed for somebody
else, and I've 'eard mother say s 'is daughter
got quite well, aud growed a lusty figger, and
come over to England with 'er pa in long gold
ear-rings, and 'er air done in bows, with bis
hop's sleeves, as was all the go in them days,
bo I always leels for them French, tor who
knows as they mayn't some on 'em be prisoners
now. same as they did used to be, shet ud till
the rr ob bust in, burnt the Pastiles, and found
one as was foolish in 'is 'ead, as, no doubt, too
much on 'em would make any one, as is taint
smellin' things, and I don't 'old with 'em, not
even for a sick room, as a little Iresh hair wont
never do no 'arm in.
I'm sure, talk of the tower of Babvlond. it
couldn't 'ave been nothink to that Exhibition.
as is a reg'lar conlusiou of everythlnk, and ail
worked by steam-ingins, as is a-gom' like mad
all aioond you, torall the world like the sausage
machine as I well remembers near Shoreditch
Church, as caught the man as made 'em by the
apron, and if he hadn't 'ad the presence of mind
lor to undo the little brass 'art as fastened it
behind, he'd 'ave been sausage-meat In a minit,
una no one never the wiser, as in course they
wouldn't, for a clean apron wouldn't give no
taste, leastways not aa could be unwholesome.
I must say as it's downright wonderful
'owever they could 'ave got the things together,
and all a-workin' away, aa I eee them myself
a-makin' soap with the naked eye; not as I'm
one to stand a-stariu 'without a-encouracing the
prcformance, as 1 considers mean; and I'm Bare
a cake of soap is a thing as always comes in
ueeful, partikler in Frauce, where they ain't
much given to usin' on it; for it's a thing as you
never do see in a bed-room, and for that matter
the waohin' things don't seem made for
Use; not but what I've seen 'm quite as use
less In England, and will say as them
French beds is beautiful clean down to
the mattress, as I'm sure there's many
a one in Eagland as the tickin' on won't bear
the daylight, and ain't never changed from
year's end to year's end; aud as to washin'
the blankets, why, there was old Mrs. Namby as
lived next door to me at Ktepney, she quite
blew me up tor 'aviu' my blankets washed, as
she said wore 'em out afore their time.
It's downright wonderiul for to see all them
savage foieigners a-goin' about that tame, as no
doubt they're alraid lor to come any of their
wagarles, as they'res lots of sojers about as
would make dog's-meat on 'em In no time, and
serve 'em right if tbey was to try it on, witti
their 'eat hen ways; as they let's 'etii ride about
on the top ot their camels, just to keep 'em
quiet, as was all werry well for them, but 1
wouldn't 'ave clomb up on one of them'ump
baeked brutes waa It ever so, but quite good
enough lor them as rode 'cm.
I was that stunned with the row as them
steam-ingins kep' up. that I says to Mrs. Arch
butt, "My 'eads that whirl, as take somethink I
must."
fo she fays, I'm a-famlshin'." And, jest
then, up come Mr. Wells, and says a he'd 'ad a
glass ol pale ale, as 'ad done ini that good, und
made a man on 'im.
Ko I says, "Wherever did you pet it?"
He says, "Jest out at that'door."
Iea8, "We're sure to find you somowheres
about."
He says, "All right." And off we goes for to
get a little beer, and come right on to a English
refreshment-place, where there was a lot ot
lovely gala cerilngly, but looked that 'aughty as
you'd 'ave tboueht thev was roval families.
1 'ad a bottle of stout, as they was werry per
nio mo', sayin' as the waiter wouia serve me,
and. seemed for to look on ma as a mother line.
no doubt a-feelln' Imiesomn in that desultory
situation, end hh all them bold lorelgaew a.
ptnrin' at 'em. s certingly ain't pot nolhln'
like'eni in the way of Heldinales ut a'l over
the place: tho' 1 must say as them Frencn
women 'as a way with ticm as is unrom-
nion takiu', end dresseB well even in ihelr shops.
as it must take art the mornin' lof to do their
air.
I don't think as ever I did pntov anvthink
more than that porter, and me and Mrs. Arch-
ouii was a-scttlu' 'avin' ot our lofce over some ot
them parties, and I says to Sirs. Archbutt, I
says. "She was in thu way when noses was paid
out," illudin' to a party with, 1 do think, tho
longest nose as ever I did see a-protrudin'
irom a 'uman countinc'ousc: "and." I savs.
'ow ridiculous young she is dressed, as 'li
never see tiftv no more. And." I savs. "do look
at Ihe old guy as is with 'er, with 'is false teeth,
ana 'air ana wnisners dyed."
i wsb a-runnin' on, and Mrs. Arcnputt snys li
me, "What a fine you are to go on 1"
I says, "I can't a-bear to see old fools, for
tbev're the worst of fools."
It that old woman with the noo dhrt turn on
me and sav, iu hneli.-h, as "I were a disgrace to
mv countrv. a-settiu' there abnsin' peonle."
1 thought I should 'ave died, lor it she wasn't
r.ngnsn, ana 'im too.
It's luckv as I d paid for tho porter, tor l
jumps up and 'unies oil a leavin' Mrs. Archbutt
ior to toiler; anil it inai spueiui tnu ii-ner wiui
the dyed 'air didn't tell a waiter as I'd bolted
without pavin . as come arter me, ana would
'ave ended unpleasant, only the other waiter as
I 'ud paid sooke uo like a man.
So I give it that old scarecrow well, and says
to'im, "I've a good mind to spile your beauty
for vou. and knock some ot tuem laiso tcetu
oown your story -tell in' throat."
Poor Mrs. Archbutt, she says, "Oh, pray,
don't. Mrs. Brown."
I says, "I ain't a-eoing'to be trampled on,
ninrr,. not if I knows it." But I pretty near was,
lor ii them niircers on the camels didn't come
bv. ai d it It 'a.lu't been as oue ot them chaps In
cocked 'ats pulled nie sharp out ol the way, I do
believe as I should 'ave been pulverized like the
dust unoer tneir leet.
When I come to mvself. I look round for Mrs
Archbutt. and if she wasn't disappeared, as I
thought werry unl'eelin' lor to leave me like
that; but 1 says, "Xo doubt tuey ain't none on
'era tar on." so I watks an round tnro' tnem
relreshmeut-places a-looking' for Brown, but
not a westiiient on 'im wasn't wisible nowheres.
So I stops one of them police, and ays
to 'im, "brown passy ici," as I know'd
was French lor "pass here." He stares
at mc, and then lubbers somethink about
"pasby," anil 1 say, "Yes, pasby Brown."
So he calls one ' ol them interpreter
rhnrtR. ns rnmp nn find suvfi. "nii wpnt. Pjisev'"'
1 savs, "No. I can passy tnvsclf. but hiive you
see auyihink of my good tentleman In the name
oi lirown. n.s is a une-nggcred man. in a narK
sin too, with diab pants, aud a betid In 'is back
like a magistrate, as ninny 'as olten said to me.
"Mrs. Brown, mum, to loller your good ceutle-
niau, any one would take 'im lor a royal family
dp bind, as is a noble torenead wau a couv
maudiir nose, and any one could tell in a
insTirnt among a tiiousand, with a eye like a
'awk a-luaniin' ou you." So 1 says, '"ave you
see 'ini nnywhercs about?" If that idjot didn't
say as ne couldn't comprenenai
"Well," 1 says, "you must be a born natural,
not to understand, - and call yoursclt a
interpieter, as understands everythink, least
ways did ought to; and," I says, "I won't
come out agin without 'is puotygrapht.
as any one would tell 'im by, tho' ouly
a SKiiiii!', yet a luimtut nxeness, leastways
enough lor to how what he might be."
I was a wandcrin' about like any onedeserted,
and wonderin' 'owever I should get 'ome aain
with all that wilderness of people, when all of a
iv v. v , uuvi a dhj a iv i u ,
cail yourself a 'usband."
He says, "What's the row 7"
"Why," I says, "'ere you've been and lost mo
for 'ours, and as cool as tho' I'd never lost sight
on you."
"(.'h," he says, "I know'd you turn up. Like
a bad shillin', sure to come buck." I don't think
as ever I did see bucIi a conouest of neoole. and
'busses, und cabs, and coaches, all a strucglin'
lor to get away, and it's a wonder as they wasn't
all smashed up together.
1 says, "iirown, 'owever are we to get 'omo 7"
"un." ne savs. "an nciit. mere's a cab been
telegraphed for, as Mrs. Wells and Mri. Arch
putt is id, down here."
1 sajB, "lelegraphed for? 'ow Is that done?"
"Oh." be savs. "uuite easv. lest the tame as
call in' for it."
"I says, "I wish as they'd telecranh us 'omo."
for my leet was that hagony as I could 'ardly
bear to put 'em to the ground
I was a-trviu' for to cet alone as well as I
could, when we eot up to where the cab waa
a-comln' alone with Mrs. Archbutt and Mrs.
Wells in it. as is both full figeers. and there was
Mies Tredwell in, too; as filled it chuck full, as
the sayin' Is.
to as soon as Miss Tread well see me. she
eays as she'd get out and walk, as she should
prefer, as is 'er bold ways a-likin' to be always
a-charfin' and talkin'. 1 was that dead beat as I
couldn't say 'er nay, for walk I couldn't, and
tnreewas as much as ever that cab could 'old
and squeezy work it was; but we managed it
and off we goes, and 'adn't got 'arf a mile when
in tuinin' the corner pretty sharp, I 'earoV a
cruncn,ana men came a Dump, and over we was,
There waa Mrs. Wells a-yellin' and Mrs. Arch
butt a-ravin,' and there came a crowd, and
them police, as got the door open and begun
a-ptiiltn'at me like mad. a-tearin'my clothes
on my pack ana a-gom' on like anymiuk m
their langwidge. 'Ow they did eet us out I
don't know, and a deluge of rain a-comln' down
as drenched us pretty nigb.
lo be continued in The Evening Telegraph
to-morrow.
GAS LIGHT
FOR THE COUNTRY.
FEBItIN A C'O.'S AUTOMATIC UAH
MACHINES
FOR PRIVATE RESIDENCKB, MILLS, HOTELS,
CH RCHES, JCTCL,
FURNISHING FRO TEN TO BIX HUNDRED
LIGHTS, AW MAT BE RQU1RID.
This machine li guaranteed; does not cet oat of
order, and the time to manage It la a'" 11 Hive minutes
a week.
The simplicity of thla apparatus, IU entire freedom
from danger, vbe cheapness and quality of the light
over all otbera.bave gained for It the favorable opinion
ot those acquainted with Its merits. The names of
those bavlug used them for the last three years will
be given by calling at our OFFICE,
KO. 105 MOUTH FOURTH jiTKEET,
Where the machines can be seen In operation.
FKRIUa A CO.. Box 481 P. O.
Bend tor a Pamphlet. 7 3tu'h8:im
a mm mm mm mt m
V U V t K li m L M
4 PROPERTY AT PRIVATE SALE
jfePlTKIN&CO.
1WHIKM, WAUON t'OVa BN, BAJ, ET
It you want an extra Awning very cheap, let oak
swuing nifkers Utke the meniiiire, and luake It Tom
a lot or bospluil lenu, lately purchased by us,
many of which are entirely new, and ot the bent li
ounce diu k. AUo. Government Klill.-s and Hamuli
of all kinds, eto. ' firhiv 4 !).,
ttiux ius. &J7aud 138 Kor- VKQX'S blreek
WANTS.
V7 a n t c d,
ACiKNTSJ IM EVKBI CHt AND TOWN
IN
rcnrejlvania and Southern New Jersey,
FOB TDK
BROOKLYN
LITE IN SUB AN CE COMPANY
OF NEW YORK
Also, a few good SOLICITORS for Philadelphia.
C all or K'.drexs
E. 33. COLTON,
GENERAL AGENT,
22?J KO, 37 CIIESNUT HTBEKT,
gOOK AGEKTS IN LUCKAT LAST.
The rrlsls Is pMsed, The hour has come to lift the
Veil of HecicRy which has hitherto enveloped the inner
history of the gret civil war, and Him Is done by oiler-
lug in me puoiiu uenerai i J, lmaer s
"HISTORY OF THE SECRET SERVICE."
For thrilling Interest this book transcends all the
roniancraol a IhoiiHundlycars. and conclusively proves
that "truth Is stranger Uibii del Ion."
Agents are clearing from film to i'too per month,
w nicn we i bii prove to any uouniing applicant. A
lew more can outaln agencies In territory yet unoccu
pled. Addreus
P. OAR RETT CO
MO. 70 iUEsNVT NTREKT,
7 2tf PHILADELPHIA.
GROCERIES, ETC.
JAPANESE rcnVCHOXU TEA,
.THE FINEST QUALITY IMPORTED.
Emperor and other fine chops OOLONGS.
New crop YtoUSG HYfeON and GONPOWDEJ
and genuine CH CLAN TEA.
For sale by the package or retail, at
JA9IEN B. WEBB'S,
8 141 Corner WALNUT and EIGHTH BU.
MILLINERY, TRIMMINGS, ETC.
ftfiO URN INC MILLINERY
ALWAYS ON HAND A LARGE ASSORTMENT Oi
MOUKISING BONNETS,
AT MO. 004 WALNUT STREET.
8276m MAD'LLE KEOCH.
HOOP SKIRTS.
ilOQ HOOP
SKIRTS, QQ
"OWN MAKK." DZtJ
HOPKINS'
.r .tin mJxJiy,z.u 1 1 1
I affords ns much pleasure to announce to otu
numerous patrons ana tne public, iliut In couae
quenceil a slight decline in Hoop bkirt material
together with our Increased facilities for manufac
turing, and a strict adherence to BUYINU and
&KLLIKU for CAU, we aie enabled to oiler all our
JLbTXY CtXKKKATKD HOOf fcKIRTtt at. RJs
Dl't'tl) PRICKS. And our tsklrts will always, aa
heretolore, be found In every rexpect more desirable,
and really cheaper than any single or double spring
Hoop hklrt in the market, while our assortment Is
unequalled,
A lo, constantly receiving from New York and th
Eastern States full lines ol low priced Skirts, at very
low prices; among which is a lot of Plain Skirts at
the following rates: 16 springs, 66c.; Wi springs, fic.;2o
springs, 76c; So springs, bocj 86 springs, 96c,j and 4(1
springs, ll-ui.
Skirls made to order, altered, and repaired.- Vhole
sale and retail, at the Philadelphia Hoop Skirt Km
porlum, No. eiS ARCH Street, below Seventh.
6 10 8m rp WILLIAM T. HOPKIN8.
FURNITURE, BEDDING, ETC.
TO HOUSEKEEPERS.
I have a large stock ot every variety ol
FURNITURE,
Which I will sell at rednced prices, consisting of
PLAIN AND HARHLK TOP CO I i AUK Boil's
WALKUT CHAMBER SUITS,
PARLOR SUITS IN V-KLVi-T PLUSH,
PARLOR SUITS IN HAIRCLOTH.
PARLOR SUITS IN RKPS.
Sideboards, Kzlenslon Tables, Wardrobes, Book
cases. Mattresses, Lounges, etc etc.
P. P. (JUSTINE,
8 1 N, K. corner SECOND and RACE Streets.
REDDING
OP EVERY DESCRIPTION
AT
REDUCED PRICES.
WHOLESALE AND RETAIL,
NO. 983 BIDOE AVENUE KEAB TINE ST
J. G. FULLER.
8 28tuthrp
JSTAIJLISIIED It 95.
A. S. ROBINSON,
French Plate Looking-Glasses,
ENGRAVINGS, PAINTINGS, DRAWINGS, ETO
Manufacturer of all kinds of
LOOKING-GLASS, PORTRAIT, AND PIC
TUBE 1'BAMES TO ORDER.
No. lO OHESNUT STREET-
THIRD DOOR ABOVE THE CONTINENTAL,
PHimpKLPHIA. 815J
HARDWARE, CUTLERY, ETC.
gTAKDBIUDGE, BARR & CO.,
WP0RTEB8 OF AND DEALEB8 IN
rCREICN AND AMERICAN HARDWARE,
NO. IS81 MARKET STREET,
Oder tor sale a large stock ot
Hardware uiil Cutlery,
TOGETHER WITH
1000 KEGS NAILS
AT REDUCED PRICES. 8 7 lbs to
CUTLERY.
A fine assortment of POCKET and
TABLN CLTLKKY, KAUKS,
RAZOH STROPS, LADIKS' HCI
SUltti. PAl'i-K AND TAILORS'
BilivARU, ETC.i
L. V. HKLMOLD'S
Cutlery Store, No. 136 South TENTH Street,
11 T'bree doors Bbove Wal nut,
ffgfr GARDNER & FLEMING,
COACH MAKERS.
NO. S14 SOUTH FIFTH STREET.
New and Becoud-hand Carriages for Bale, l'ar
tlcnlar attention paid to repairing. 5 81) 6m
S-ATE
M ANTELS,
' SLATE MANTELS are unsurpassed for Durability
Beanty, trength. and Cheapness.
SLATE MANTELS, aud Slate Work General!
Blade to order.
J. 13. KIMES A OU.,
1 12 tan uos UMandJmCHEbNUTBUeel
PROPOSALS.
L TIO.NKKY.
FOUAUK AND TA-
1 llII.Al.K.l.l'IIIA np.roT, -
T UUAleri-.HMAbTKll'a OFFICE f
No. OlH Alii) KTKKK.T, '
August 10, 1SU7. 1
FOKAUK. '
AssisrAJ;
HcAlrd rroposnls will boreielved atthlsonion
tilitll 12 o'clock M., 1 lj lis DAY, AugiiHt 2D. 1K07
for luinlfchliiK this lie pot villi l'ornire for a
period of six (ti) months commencing Kopte.m.
VcJu1'. 1S(',7, . Da eml'" tl'e 2tttu day of February
lbtiS, Inclusive, viz :
CORN, OATH. HAY, AND RTRAW.
for the use of animals lu tfie public service at
this depot, or at any other locality within, slxtv
(()) iiiik'8 of tno City of Philadelphia, wlieu re
qui red.
All araln to be of the best quality. Oats u
pounds lo the bushel; Corn. 60 pounds to the
btiHhel; llay, ot the best quality Pennsylvania
Timothy; hi raw, lobe of Hje.of the best oua.
Illy. All subject to Inspection prior to dolivery
Proposals will state price per nundrert pounds
for Hay end Btraw, and per bushel firCornaud
Oats, delivered at places of consumption In
such quantities and at such times as maybe
ordered. (The price to be staled both In words
and llgures.)
STATION ERY.
Pealed Troposals will also bo received at this
OfDce until 12 o'clock: M..TUKSDAY, August
20. 1X07, for furnishing this Depot with sta
tionery, for a period of one (1) year, com
mencing September 1, 1S67, and ending the Hint
day of August, mos, luciiiNive, vi,.: muiwt
Folio Fust Paper, to weigh not less thau ;i(t
pounds to ream; Legal Cap Paper, to weigh not
less than lti pounds lo ream; Cap Paper, Plala
and Killed, lo weigh not less than M pounds to
ream; Letter Taper, Plain and Ruled, to weigh
not less than 12 pounds to ream; Nolo Paper,
Plain and Ruled, to weigh not less tuau 6
fiounds to ream; Envelope Paper, to weigh not
ess than 40 pounds to ream; Common Printing
Paper; While Rlottlng Board, size ll)x2l, to
weifch not less than li,0 pounds to ream.
White Envolopes; size, UxSJi, 4x9, i'fam'
A'J'A- Letter Envelopes, white; size, 3$x5k.
Letter Copying iiooks; size, llxll; 7i0 pages.
Cap Copying Iiooks; size, lOxH; 750 pages.
Blank Hooks, 8 to 12 quires, deml, half-bound,
patent backs, Russian cornera. Blank Books, i
to 6 quires, 0x13)4, half roan, 20 sheets to qulro.
Memorandum Books, deml, vo., flush, 6t
leaves.
Arnold's Fluid, Writing and Copying; Black
Ink. "David's;" Carmine Ink, "David's," 4-oz.
bottles, glass stoppers; Inkstands, glass, as
sorted sizef.; Penholders, assorted; Steel Pens.
"Uillott's," 202, 303, 404, (104; Steel Pens, "Harrl
son and Bradtord's," 11, 15, 20, and 505; Load
l etclls, "Fader's," Nob. 2 and 3; Paper Fasten
ers, "Hamilton's" aud "Boyntotrs;" Olllca
Tape, rolls, No. 23, 100 yards to roll; Oi der Flies,
assorted, as per sample; Sealing Wax, "beNt
speciebank;" Wafers, 4-oz. boxes; India Rub
ber, "Faber's Improved Artist's;" Rubber Ink:
Eraser, "Faber'hj" Mucilage, 4 oz., H-oz., and
quart bottles; Gum Bands, assorted sizes;
Erasers, ' Wostenholm's;" French Violet
Copying Ink.
All ot the above-named articles to bo of the
best quality and to be subject to Inspection.
Hamrlesof the articles of Stationery bid for
must be delivered at this ollice twenty-four
(24) hours previous lo the opening of the bids.
Each bid must be guaranteed by two respon
sible persons, whoso signatures must be ap
pended to the bid, and certified lo as being
good and suflicieni security for the amount in
volved, by the United Slates District Judge,
Attorney, Collector, or other publlo olllcer.
Blank forms for bids can be had on applica
tion at this oillce, and bidders are requested to
be present at the opening of the same.
The right is reserved to reject any bid deemed
too high, and no bid from a defaulting con
tractor will be received.
Endorse envelopes, "Proposals for Forage and
Stationery," respectively.
By order or
Brevet MaJ.-Gen. G. H. CROSMAN,
Asst. Quartermnster-Oen. U. S. A.
HENRY W. JANES,
Captain and Asst. Quartermaster,
8 10 fit Brevet Major U. S. A.
IMPROVEMENT OF THE DES MOINES
RAPIDS OF THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER,
V. S. Engineer's Office, I
Davbnpokt, Iowa, July 24, 18o7.j
Sealed proposals, In duplicate, will be re
ceived at this olilce until 12 M., WEDNESDAY,
September 4, 1807, for excavating the prism and
constructing the embankment wall of the
Canal for the improvement of the navigation
of the Mississippi river at the Dea Molnea
Kaplds.
The Canal Is to be about 7 (seven and one
half) miles long, extending from Nashville to
Keoknk. Iowa. The width at the water mirfn(
inside the canal to be 300 (three hundred) feet
in embankment, and 250 (two hundred and
fifty) leet In excavation, and la low water to be
5 (Ave) feet deep. AU the material excavated
from the prism of the canal to be nsed in build
ing the embankment. The latter throughout
the greater part of the distance will be about
300 (three hundred) leet from the Iowa shore.
W here rock excavation occurs, the bottom of
the canal will have a slope of 1 (one and one
half) inches to the mile. The embankment is
to be built of earth clay and rock; to be 10 ( ten)
feet wide on top, including the rip-rap cover
ing' to be 2 (two) feet above high-water mark,
wiib slopes of Vt (one and one-half) base to 1
(one) vertical. The average thickness of the
rip-rap protection lo be 23 (two aud oue-half
feet on the river side, 2 (two) feet on the canal
side, and 1 (one) foot on top.
All propositions must state the prlceat which
each and every kind of work specified la the
proposal Is to be done, and no bid will be con
sidered that is not definite in this respect.
The Government reserves the rlgUt to reject
any and all bids.
A printed copy of this advertisement must be
attached to each proposal.
Each bid must contain a written or printed
guarantee signed by two responsible persous.
Blanks for proposals of the form required,
with form of guarantee, will be furnished at
this cilice on application.
The price or prices in the contract will be con
sidered as including the expense of furnishing
all the materials and performing all the work,
according to the plans and specifications exhi
bited at the letting.
The entire cost of the canal Is estimated at
J2,0ti,845 (two million sixty-elaht thousand
three hundred and forty-five). Tbeamount ap
propriated by Congress Is $700,000 (seven hun
dred thousand dollars) ihe contract can only
be n'aae lo cover this amount.
Fifteen (15) per cent, of the amount of any
work done or materials furnished, at the con
tract price thereof, will be reserved until the
whole work which Is the subject of contract
shall be entirely completed.
Persons desiring further Information can
obtain the same by calling at this oftlce. where
maps, plans, specifications, and form of con
tract can be consulted.
Proposals must be addressed to the under
signed, and should be endorsed "Proposals for
work on the Improvement of the Den Moines
Rapids." J. li WILHON,
Lieut.-Ool. 85th Infantry,
7 80 4w BvfMaJor-OeneralU.a Army.
INTERNAL REVENUE'
REVENUE STAMPS
FOR BALE AT THE
PRINCIPAL AGENCY,
KO. 87 KOl'TIl TIIIHD STREET, PHIL
A LIBEHAL DISCOUNT ALLOWED.
Orderstor Stamped Checks received, and delivered
with despatch
Orders by mull or express promptly attended to.
7 291m
JACOB E. RIDUWAT.
J kHES? EVANS- GUN-MAKElt, SOUTH
a Si I VI J? .' :i'1','""leillouof BDKUKS' TKOUT
the 7mm.? 'f? (? .'.T axHorunent), Film, nd nil
uZal',lT 01 1SU1" TAOKIdfi lu 11 U
RhhvJu flliiSKr,F'LOAr,,NG GUNS altered to
roWestV"iOA1,KUli 1U be8t """""M
PP. W. B. TIIE PET OK THE HOUSEHOLD.
. i. i. v. a
PARIS' PATKNT WIN HOW ROWKK.
Ji-very linucekeeper NlioulU 1ikv them to lliwir shut-
.-., mry miueiKede flieolil-fHehloneu notion, trie
1 wenly-Uve cent per pttir. Bold everywhere, sua
It. K l'AIUH,
No. 27 & TiLUU bWwtt.