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ftllED EVERY THURSDAY BY
Deininger & Bumiller.
Office in the New Journal Building,
Pcnn St., near Hart man's foundry.
SI.OO PER ANNUM, IN ADVANCE,
OR $1.25 IF NOT PAID IN ADVANCE.
Acceptable Correspondence Solicited
Address letters tp MILLHEIM JOURNAL.
The Crutch in the Corner.
[ Written just after the war bit John Mcintosh
"WW, Billy, your room i* as cold as the hut
We had by the swamp and river.
Where we lost our major, and liiu, you know,
And sixty more with the fever."
"Well, Tom, old fellow, it's lurd enough.
But the host at times knock under;
There's ne'er a stick of wood In the house
But that crutch In the corner yonder!
"Sorrv I 'listed? Don't a*k me that, Tom;
if the fhtft was again in danger,
I'd aim a sain with an aching stump
At the toe,were he a brother or st ranger.
But, 1 say, ottglit a wound from shot or shell.
Or a pistol bullet, by thunder!
Forever to doom a poor fellow to want,
With that crutch in the corner yonder?
"That cratch, old comi a<l\ ought ever to l>e
A draft at sifiht on tho Nation
For honor, respect, and a friendly hand :
For clothing, and quarters, and ration!
My wife—she begs at the Nugget House,
Where the bigbugs live in splendor.
And brag, o'er their wine, oi the fights that
Such as that in the corner youder!
"And Charlie—he goes to some place up tow n,
some ttcket-for soap Arrangement;
All welt enough for a hungry boy,
But, Ton. its effect is estrangement!
I'd sooner have kicked the bucket twice o'er
By a shell or a round ten-pounder,
Than live such a life as I'm doing now,
With that crutch in the corner yonder.
"There's ne'er a thing left to pawn or to sell,
And the w inter has closed on labor:
This medal is all that is left me now,
With my pistols and trusty saber:
And those, by the sunlight above us. Tom.
No power from my trust shall sunder,
Save the One that releases me at Est
From that crutch in the corner yonder.
"I can raise this arm that is left to me
To the blessed heaven above us.
And swear by the throne of the Father there.
And the aivgets all, who love us.
That the hand I lost and the hand I have
Were never yet staiaed by plunder.
And for love of the dear old nag, I now
Use that crutch in the corner youder.
"Do 1 ask too much wlten I say we boys,
Who fought for the Nation's tlory,
Now that the danger is past and gone,
Iu comfort should teil our story ?
How should we have fought when the mad
And shivered our ranks, T wonder,
Had we known our lot would have been to beg,
With that crutch in the corner yonder?
There's little we hear of now-a-days
But pardon and reconstruction,
While the soldier who fought and bled for both
Is left to his own destruction.
'Twould be well.l think.in these nipping times,
For those Congress fellows to ponder.
And thiuk of us boys who use such things
As that crutch iu the corner yonder."
AN INCIDENT FROM
How damp and cold and foggy it was
in Lambeth Palace Road one Decem
ber evening. It was terrible noisy too,
for huge carts, laden with heavy goods
from the Southwestern Railway tre
minus hard by, rattled incessantly over
the atones,aDd everybody hurried along
to be out of the thoroughfare as soon
Three little urchins formed an excep
tion to the bustling crowd, for they
lingered for more than an hour round
the big iron gates of St. Thomas's Hos
pital in spite of the constant knocks
and pushes they received, custom hav
ing made them almost unconscious of
such treatment. Besides, the attrac
tion which kept them there was a pow
erful one. They had actually witness
ed, while they awaited, the arrival of
no less than three Christmas trees.
Two of them, it is true, were only
young fir trtes dug up from a planta
tion somewhere in the country and
sent straight to the hospital there to be
dressed up in all their attractive finery
but the third tree was a present from
the wife of one of the consulting phy
sicians and was already trimmed and
decorated and covered with toys.
There was"some delay in moving it
from the light cart and carrying it into
the building, and so the three small
boys outside had time for a long look
at it iu all its beauty. Oue must be a
child to understand what that beauty
is; colored flags, gold and silver balls,
dolls, trumpets, candles, [crackers,
sweeties— they need a child's imagina
tion to be appreciated,but we may per
haps, happily have enough of it left in
us to know how much they convey to
The boys on the sticky pavement
outside gave a long-drawn sigh as the
beautiful tree went out of sight, and
they turned away to their own usual
surroundings—mud, fog, cold, discom
fort, such as they had been accustomed
to all through their short lives.
"My !" said one of them, Jimmy by
name ; "wouldn't I like to be sick
ia there and 'ave that there tree to
play with !"
It was a sentiment echoed by the
other two, as they edged themselves a
long the railing of the hospital, making
their way back toward the room (bey
usually slept iu in Lambeth.
"Well, we ain't sick," said another
of them, called Peter, although the
harsh, dry voice he spoke hi his white,
wan face might have told another tale.
"And so we ain't got no tree !" said
the third boy, Bill. They had almost
reached the corner of Westminster
Bridge, in depressed silence, when Pet
—as he was commonly called—sudden
ly stopped, and, with a smile that was
pleasing enough to see, although his
companions did not notice it, exclaim
"Ain't I got a liidea !"
After whioh statement he propound
ed to his attentive audience, ideas be
ing, if not rare, always interesting to
boya. And oertainly Pet's was origin
al and worthy of consideration.
He suggested that one of thetu
DEININGER & BUMILLER, Editors and Proprietors.
should feign to ha ill ; should get taken
into tho hospital, and when once there
should see the tree in all its glory.
The plan sounded delightful, the on
ly objection to it being that they could
not all play the principal part in it.
They decided who should be the lucky
one by the all-popular method of toss
ing, and Pet won the toss. This was
fortunate, for besides having distinct
ly the first right to his own idea, which
the lad did not think of, he was the on
ly one of the three who would have
been capable of acting his part ; but
Pet did not kuow this either.
lie only gave Jimmy and llill a few
hints as to what they were to do, how
they were to look as scared as possible
when Bill's father came home at night,
and how they were to say they knew
nothing of Pet, except that he wassud"
denly "took bad."
Whereupon tho "taking" promptly
occurred, and with a thud that was un
expected even to Jimmy and Bill, Pet
throw himself down at full length on
the pavement. A small crowd instant
ly collected round them. Most of the
people only stared a moment and then
passed on ; one or two expressed pity ;
and after a few moments the inevitable
policeman arrived and pushed his way
up to Pet's side, roughly questioning
Jimmy and Bill. They whimpered a
bit and looked frightened—to order,
and the policeman,after rolling Pet ov
er with his foot and finding him appar
ently altogether unconscious, said he
must go to the hospital, and, with the
help of a good-natured bystander, him
self carried him there, Jimmy and Bill
and several others following.
It was something to be inside those
great walls,as Jimmy and Bill and Pet,
too, thought, while the latter was be
ing carried by the porter on a stretcher
into the casualty ward and a big bell
was rung for Number One—that is, a
young dresser always handy, who sees
a case first, and,if it be trifling, attends
to it without sending for the house sur
geon. But of Pet the dresser could
make nothing at all. and he soon called
the house surgeon, who came running
down from the top of the high builning
and applied himself with the rapidity
of a hardworked man to the considera
tion of the case before htm. He did
not look over thirty, but there was an
amount of decision, a tirmn ess and a
gentleness in his touch of Pet, which
spoke well for the use he had make of
his head and of his heart. The police
man stated what he knew and was dis
missed, while the surgeon looked for
all the most likely symptoms in Pet,
and was able to find none of them.
The patient was simply unconscious.
The boys were asked whether Pet had
been ill before he fell suddenly, and
they said : "No, only the cough !"
And a3 they both cried, or howled
steadily, all the time, the dresser sent
them away, telling them they might
come the next morning to hear what
was the matter with their friend.
They, not 3orry to get their dismiss d
after the surgeon had arrived on the
scene, scampered off.
Then the surgeon, systematically and
very patiently indeed, began at Pet's
head and examined him down to his
feet to find 9ome cause for this extraor
dinary unconsciousness, and could find
none. Disease he found indeed,for the
poor little fellow's lungs were half
gone, but as he said to the dresser :
"Boys don't drop down unconscious
from that !" Being strangely bafiled,
the surgeon ordered Pet to be taken to
the children's ward, undressed and put
"We'll see wh\t we can mane of htm
then," he said.
Ic was not by any means easy for
Pet to keep up his acting, especially
when strong ammonia wa3 put under
his nose and almost boiling water to
his feet, but lie managed it,'more now
from pride than rrom longing after the
Christmas tree, even. Only when he
was lifted by the nurse into a soft,
clean, warm bed, such as he had never
dreamt of befoie, that small closed
mouth of his involuntarily parted, and
something very like a smile, like the
gho3t of a smile, stole over his face.
The surgeon, noticing t, was struck
with the idea that the boy might be
"Fetch the battery here," he said.
Pet did not know what a battery
meant, or his smile would certainly
have disappeared as involuntatily as it
The surgeon waited by his side,hold
ing his., smell hand and thinking to
himself that, shammirfg or not sham
ming. Pet had the most pathetic face
he had met with in all his expeiience
of sadness and suffering.
Then the battery was brought and a
slight shock was administered from it
down Pet's back.
"Oh ! that was horrible !" thought
the lad. "What was it ? Would it
come again ?"
He managed not to wince under it
the first time. A second and a harder
shock was given. Pet did not quite
MILLIIEIM, PA., THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 21., 1884.
scream, but he pressed his fingers so
hard into the liouso surgeon's hand
that the latter knew he was light in
his conjecture. Then a third shock
was given—a stronger one, and this
time Pet sprang out of bed with tears
starting to bis eyes and exclaimed :
"Oh ! don't do it again ; don't do it
Ona or two students round were
laughing, but the surgeon did not see
anything but pathos in the scene, as ho
said, gravely :
"Then you are not ill, and have been
giving us all this trouble for nothing.
Why did you do it V"
He wanted the lad to tell the truth,
and of course to him Pet did.
"Please, sir," lie said, not crying
now, but looking straight with his
great giay eyes into the doctor's face,
"'twas the tree, the Christmas tree, as
I wanted to seo so awful bad ! Me
and Jimmy and Bill, we seed it a-ear
ned into here, all beautiful, and—and
I did want to see it again ! '
" And so you pretended to be ill,that
you might come in here, and "
"And what am I to do with you now
do you think ?"
"Turn me out again," said Pet
There was something veiy like a
quiver in tlie surgeon's voice as he said
with infinite tenderness :
"No,my lad, I shan't do that to you;
you shall see the Christmas tree in
here. You are not what you pretend
to be, but you are quite ill enough to
stay in the ward until after Chirstinas
time, and then we will see !"
And so Pet had his Christmas tree,
and Jimmy and Bill came in at thesur.
geon's invitation to see it, too, but Pet
did not go back with them after it to
Lambeth. lie never left the hospital
again, for consumption ran a rapid
course with him, and before three
months were over he died in the ward.
In Florida, good land for orange
groves cau be bought for one dollar an
acre. If the land is covered with wild
orange trees, they only need grafting to
become productive of good oranges.
The land must be cleared, for iu that
climate all land that is not in use soon
becomes covered with rank, luxurious
vegetation. Then some buildings have
to be put up, and there also is the
trouble and expense of evicting squat
ters, who are generally to be found in
abundance on desirable land in Florida.
The expense for land is really a small
part of the cost of starting an orange
grove, and the reason that so many peo
ple fail in the business of orange rais
ing is that tliey start with too little cap
ital. A young man with a few hun
dred dollars will go down there and
think that, because he can get his land
cheap, he has money enough to start
a grove on, but he generally finds out
his mistake. Besides the expenses of
which I have spoken there is the ex
pense of labor,which, although labor is
cheap there, amounts to considerable,
and the cost of subsistance for the or
ange grower and his family —if lie lias
one—all of which count up. It will be
two years before the orange trees—pro
vided he is fortunate enough to get
land that has wild orange trees on it,
and grafts them —will yeald market
able fruit, and all this time lie lias to
incur the expenses I have mentioned.
When his trees get to bearing lie must
find a market for the oranges, and, un
less he can be fortunate enough to sell
them on the tress, he is at an expense
for transportation. Having once got
fairly started in the business, however,
the expense is exceedingly small as
compared with the returns, and a for
tune can be made unless the orange
grower is unfortunate with bis trees.
A young man must make up his mind
to endure some deprivations. If he
goes into the unsettled part of Florida,
as if he would have to do if he got His
land cheap, he must confine himself to
the society of the negro squatters and
possibly one or two other orange grow
rst vj or a dizin miles disAvit. He
must school himself to view without o
motion a snake dropping from the roof
on his dinner-table, or some wild ani
mal sitting on his front door-step. If
he is fond of beef and milk he will find
that he might as well sigh for ortolans
and truffles. However, if a young man
lias grit and energy, and combines with
those requisites sufficient' capital, lie
can make a fortune as easily and surely
by starting an orange grove in Florida
| as in any other way the world affords.
An Illinois man had accumulated a
few thousands, and his health was such
as to convince him that lie liad not
much left of life. lie picked out the
scriptural clause, "Lay up treasure in
heaven," and believed that lie could o
bey. The process that he invented was
to convert his wealth into paper money
and burn it prayerfully on an alter. lie
went so far as to build the altar and
kindle a sacrificial fire,but he had burn
ed only $lO when bis relatives forcibly
deprived him of his religious liberty.
A !\\ I'ER FOR.TiIK HOME UIRCLI
A Sloshing Sloshvillite.
Like the rest of mankind and some
portions of moiikeydoni, I have long
had an inflated idea that 1 could run
a newspaper a lew points nearer the
wind than anv editor yet horn, and
especially tho editor ol the Sloshville
Cutter, published iu a town in the
West, where I had been hanging out
for the .summer, and 1 so informed the
editor a few weeks since.
"Tangled snurles!" yelled ho, "how
easy to unravel! I have been poking
the cobwebs out of my brain trying
to think of some one fitted to lill my
chair, while I enjoy a trip to Phila
delphia, to attend the funeral of my
lamented mother-in-law, and here
comes Nimble Yankee Acker, Fsq.,
(my full handle) just the man for the
place. By the flop of a fly's wing, I
am in luck."
The die was cast, I was to run the
Sloshville Cutter for one week, and at
it 1 went.
"You want to lie careful of your
iiisinuationsand bits of sarcasm," said
the editor, as a parting caution, "for
the people of Sloshville are a little
nervous and a little excitable under
the ticklings of the editorial pen; in
fact, if 1 had my choice, J would rath
er tickle the hind leg of an army mule
with a two-inch straw, than a nervous
Slosshvillite with a forty-mile quill."
The next day the editor left for
Philadelphia to enjoy the rarity of a
funeral of a mother-in-law—it is usu
nllv the son-in-law's funeral—and |
took up my task of grindingout items
relating to Sloshville and vicinity.
I had not labored long, when in
rumbled a bugesjieeiineii of a Sloshcr,
who looked as though lie bad just
crawled from under a land side. He
wore a bat which had been viciously
slashed by the scythe of time, the left
side of the brim having been lopped
off. as if to give freedom to the ear
which meekly hugged the place which
had in past ages given it shelter from
the cold glances of a frowning world.
The other portions of his attire also
attested to the changes which time
may bring about during the flight of
ceuturies—excuse the plural; the sun
mav never have shone in all its splen
did refulgence at the dawn <f tho day;
nor the benevolent moon east its dim
radiance in thequiet night, upon those
garments for more than one century,
but be that as it may, they were frill
ed and shaggy, like unto the eyebrow
of Barnuin's best monkey, and were
in danger of being torn asunder when
he sat down and began:
"Howdy, mister; so ye the fcl'r as
is goin' ter run this here shebang
while the ed'ter is oft" tor Pliilatlelfy,
eh? I jest thought I'd scoot in and
give ver a pint or two about town
Join's. Mv name'sllank Haukerson."
"Ah, Mr. Haukerson, glad to see
you. Anything stirring about town?"
"Wall, now; I should say there was.
Do you think I'd come prowlin' round
here if I had nothin' ter shoot off tor
ver? Wall, I rather guess not! I
eaeklate I am the man who can whoop
up more Sloshville news for ver in an
hour, than any other galoot could in
I mav have looked a little doubtful
of his ability to fill the bill, for he
"Don't catch on, eh? \\ all, get ver
quill and I'll sling more gollslamed
news at yer in fifteen minutes, than
yer ever herd whoaped from one man's
tongue in a lifetime, or 1 hope a cy
clone will scoop me up and drop me
from the highest peak of the Hockeys*.
Here she goes; now slop around the
"Last fall,me and Bill Brondbut
went over to "
"But lioid on," said I, "people don't
want to read about what you did a
year ago. Give us something fresh."
"Oh, it'll he fresh 'nougli before I
get through. Just you never mind,but
scatter that ink. As 1 was savin,'
last fall, mo and Bill went over to
Bnngtown, and there was a slundig
going on at "
"Confound it; man; I tell you that
is not news. It's stale. What the
people want is something new
"Something new eh; I ruther eaek
late 1 know whatt he people want.
Wall, gosh darn my looks, I should
say I did! You just spill that ink and
I'll give you news—yes, sirce—news.
There was a shindig goin' on at Jack
Slopper's ranch, and me and Bill "
"Scissors and shears!" yelled I, ',/
toll you / don't want to hear any thing
iik iv about that blasted shindig, or
me and Bill,' or Jack Shipper's ranch
or anything else that rioted around
these diggings before the landing of
Columbus, /f you have any news—
news that is news—just spit it out. '
"Now, look a here, mister; never
von mind about the Itimlin' ol Ker
luniTms or any of the rest of them air
forin' chaps; but listen to me and
squirt that ink."
As my friends and the lest of the
world well know, I seldom loose my
temper, and tierhaps 1 didn't then; but
as Mr. Haukerson had asked ine sev< r
al times to spill that ink, I thought I'd
do it, and I did—l spilled it oyer his
beautiful features, I slopped it over bis
nobby bat, I scattered it on bis confi
ding ear, and squirted it into bis in
telligent eyes, until it trickled from the
ends of bis fingers.
Probably this was not according to
his notions or how ink should be spill
ed; for he was mad—madder than any
Western cyclone ever dreamed of being.
In some manner, yet unknown to me,
I stretched myself gracefully upon the
sanctum floor and rolled around like a
ball with which a kilter* is playing,and
Mr. IlanKerson acted the part of the
At length the"deviP'and the "jours"
came out and gently persuaded Hanker
son, by club argument, that he had let
When 1 went to the hotel, Mrs. Ack
f r wanted to know if 1 had been inter
viewing a mule.
A Washington Bonaparte.
Col, Jerome Bonaparte, the rightful
heir to the throne of France, or what
ever else the Corsican family are en
titled to, was one of the striking figures
there, as he is in every assembly, lie
is above the average height, ot broad
shoulders and fine Duilt, and carries
himself with a dignity and air that
marks him at once. Eccentric old Bet
ty Patterson might well be proud of
her grandson "lit)," and Frenchmen
lo >k upon him admiringly as one who
unites in liimscll the noblest of the i
Boiap.ute tr.u's. Col. Bonaparte
fought iu our war and served his great
uncle's country throughout the Fran - ;
co-Prussian struggle. Helms steadily
refused to entertain any aspirations to- |
wards the throne, and in his life pre- j
sents as noble an example as the late
Countc de Chambord. Revolutionists
and political schemers have received
courtesies, but no encouragement at
his*hanris, and since his majority (Ml.
Bonaparte has led the straightforward, 1
self-respecting life of an American
professional man. Ilis large inheritance
from his mother assured him a foitune
without depending upon his profession,
but until his removal here his name
was with his brother's on the sign of j
their law firm in Baltimore. Col. Bona- j
parte resembles the late Emperor Na
poleon in his features, wearing the
same mustache and imperial, but his
figure and bearing render him a much
finer looking man than that gray-eved
Man of Destiny. There was a sharp
contrast when he stood beside Gen.
Sheridan, who with his dumpy little
figure, queer wrinkled face and bald
crown hardly reached to the shoulder of
the imperial-looking man beside him.
He'd Wait and See.
During the war a couple of New York
ers went clown into Pennsylvania to
prospect for oil, and, having discovered
a "stratum," they undertook to pur
chase five acres of land of an old Ger
man. lie was up to snuff, if not to oil,
and refused to sell at any reasonable
figure. O.ie of the would-be purchasers
finally said to him:
k ßee here, Mr. Klopp, we propose to
buy this land and turn it over to the
"To help put down the rebellion,
The time has come when every man
must show his colors. Are you for the
"Vhell —yhell '
"Are you a patriot, or not?"
"Vhell, I tell you how it vas. If dere
vhas oil in my land, I hold it for one
tousaiid dollars an acre und vhas a reb
el. If dere vhas no oil, I sell it to you
foi two hundered dollars an acre und
vhas a good patriot."
Jeems' oldest son desired to attend
the policemen's ball. The mother of
the young man insisted he should not
go. 'Have nothing to do with balls, my
son, lliey are dangerous,' said the care
ful parent. The next morning Jeems,
jr., refused fish-balls at breakfast, re
peating the words of his mother the
night previous. The old lady looked
over her glasses at her hopeful and re
marked; 'Are you afraid of bones?
A young man out in Waupun, Wis.'
organized an accordion corps. At last
accounts lie was still half a mile ahead
of the inhabitants, but things looked
quite encouraging, as he was very
much out of breath.
Terms, SI.OO per Year, in Advance.
Items of Interest.
The charge against n California
Judge is of frivolity, and the specifica
tion is that he puts his hair in papers
every night, woman fashion, to make
it curl when lie is on the bench next
In Germany, hereafter, each town
must keep n record of all the hard
drinkers, ami the city medic it men are
bound to report those who habitually
imbibe to excess,so that the authorities
may subject them to a strict course of
No bureau of the Government ex
ceeds in importance the United States
Patent Otlice. From the start it has
be*n selfsustaining,and now has an un
expended balancoto its credit of $2,500
000. This money is the result of fees
paid by inventors to secure the patents
which protect their inventions. The
business of the Patent Otlice luts in
creased with each year of its existence.
A farmer from Pocahontas county,
West Virginia, appealed in Staunton
the other day searching for an auction
block and an auctioneer. He was
umb-foiindcd when told tint there
were no slaye auctions in Virginia. He
returned to his mountain home unable
to sell the two slaves he had desired to
sell, lie had cultivated his farm all
these years in ignorance ot the emanci
MICROSCOPIC ANIMALS IN BRICKS.
—The weathering of brick walls into a
friable state is usually attributed to the
action of the heat, .vet, and frost; but
trom recent observations of M. Parize,
the real destroyer is a microscopic
creature, and the action played by the
weather is only secondary. lie has ex
amined the red dust of crumbling
bricks under tae microscope, and found
it to consist largely of minute living or
ganisms. A sample of brick dust ta
ken from the heart of a solid brick also
showing the same animalculae, but in
THE .NOISE OF THE FINGERS.—
When you poke the end of your finger
in your ear,the roaring noise you hear
is the sound of the circulation in your
linger, which is the fact, as any one can
demonstrate forliimself by first putting
his lingers in his ears, ami. th?n stop
ping them up with other substance.
Try it, and think what a wonder of a
machine your body is, Uiafc even the
points of your fingers are such busy
workshops that they roar like a a mall
Niagara. The roaring is probably more
than the noise of the circulation of the
blood. It is the voice of all the vital
processes together—the tearing down
and building up processes t hat are al
ways going forward in the living body
from conception down to death.
Married for Keeps.
The skipper of a coal boat on the Bal
timore and Ohio canal lecently decided,
after mature deliberation and careful
consideration, to marry his cook, who
had been a tried and faithful servant to
him for quite a number of his perilous
trips on the storm-lashed canal. So he
spoke to her about the matter one day,
and aftei securing her coy consent, lie
ordered the boat tied up at a small
town, and, being a practical skipper,
skipped up street after a parson. The
nuptial knot was soon tied, the parson
beaten down to a dollar and a half for
his fee, and then the canal boatman
11 Well, Melindy, we are married for
keeps now. We are hitched for life,
and must pull together. I'm a little
short-handed to-day, and as that lead
mule has got saddle galls on his back,
you jisl take the tow path, and lead
him down to Harper's Ferry, an" I'll
steer, an" kinder ruminate 011 some
plan to give you work 011 the boat with
out going asnore in the mud. I've got
a powerful sight more respect for you
now, that you're my wife."
- 1 i
A Fine View.
Two Boston gentlemen, while tramp
ing through the white mountains the
past summer, came across a lonely hut
among the hills from which the pros
pect'was particularly fine and extended.
The proprietor of tne establishment
was hoeing in a small garden, and the
travelers began to quiz him. Said one:
'•You have an excellent view from
"Party fair," replied the farmer.
"I suppose," continued the first
speaker, winking at his companion, "on
A fair daj you can see almost to Europe.
"Kin see further than that," return
ed the man.
"llow so ?" was asked in surprise.
t "We dont' think nothin' of seein'as
,fur as the mime!"
Tiie Bostonians had found their
'Only think of it !' exclaimed a Chi
cago girl,'l weigh one hundred and
twenty pounds in my stockings.' 'L>o
you?' replied ner cousin from St. Louis,
glancing at the feet of the first speaker,
•I wouldn't have believed it. Ilow
much do you weigh altogether?'
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AH ART fill,
w. J. SPHIKtiEK,-
Next Door to JOLUNAL Store, Main Street,
D. H. MINGLE,
Physician & Surgeon, -
< 'Hiice cm Maiu Street.
JOHN F. BARTER,
Office opposite flic Miliheim Bunking House
MAIN STREET, MILLHEIM, PA
lias it ever occurred to bass ball men
that a milk pitcher is a good flycatcher?
The longest word in the dictionary is
'disproportionableness.' By punching
out every other letter it ought to make
an exceleut comb.
Mrs. Murphy— I 'Och, it's awful, tlier
paypul what's luried aloive I If 1 be
living whin I'm dead, Pat, don't be
afther burying me aloive !"
Teacher—'Now, children, which one
of you can tell tne what a consonant is?
Bright bay—'l can. It's a portion of
land surrounded by water.'
A sensiole farmer says he'd rather
sell milk than eggs, because he has nev
er yet been able to find a pump that
could help the hens in the slightest.
What's the difference between the
man who tears down a picket fence and
one who dresses a spring chicken? Ohe
pulls the picket and the other picks the
'ln this issue,' said an exchange, 'is
an artie'e headed 'What will the coming
girl wear ?' We rather think, however,
she won't wear anything—when she
"Yes'said Mrs. Upper ten,'l kuow
the telephone is a great convenience,but
I shall haye it taken out of the house.
The things ure so dreadfully common,
A river called Kissmelonga lias been
discovered by Stanley in Central Africa,
and the Boston TrcinscrtjX knows it has
heard the name before, but not In this
A man's brain weighs three and a
half pouuds. A woman's brain is
si me what lighter, but of finer quality.
That is what enables her to taste lard in
her neighbor's pastry.
How RAPIDLY a man looses all inter
est in Thanksgiving and Christmas ob
servations and the glorious results of a
Massachusetts election when he shuts A
dooa on his thumb !
An Indian named 'Man-Afraid-of-
Xothing,' married a white woman in
Montana recently, and in and week af
ter the wedding applied to his t tribe to
have his name changed.
'I always sing to please myself,' said
a gentleman who was humming a tune
in company. How nice it is to be so
easily pleased P responded a lady who
sat next to him.
'Your father is woitli at least half a
million,, sakl he to his jealous sweet
heart. That is true,' 1 she murmured.
4 And yet you doubt my love,' he re
plied, in.an injured tone.
The Chief of Police of Buffalo defines
a suspicious person as 'a man standing
on the street corner with his hands in
his pockets.' Fold your arms and lean
against a wall if you want to pass for
an honest man.
A man very ranch intoxicated was
taken to the station. "Why did you
not bail him out?" inq aired a bystan
der of a friend. "Bale him out?" ex
claimed the oilier, "Why, you couldn't
pump him outl"
'No,' SAID a fond mother, speaking
proudly of her twenty-five-year-old
daughter; 'no, Mary isn't old enough
to marry yet. She cries whenever any
one scolds her, and until she becomes
hardened enough to talk back vigprous
]y she isn't fit for a wife,.' ; • .
A man in a sleeping car went through
a terrible accident, in which the car
rolled down an embankment, without
waking. It was noted, however ? that
as the car struck the bottom he 1 mur
mered : 'Don't, Jane, don't'* I'll get' up
and start the fire directly.'
'Grandpa, does hens make their otvn
eggs?' 'Yes, indeed, they do, Johnny. 7
'An' do they always put the yolk in the
middle ?' 'Guess they do, Johnny.'
'An'do they put the starch around it
to keep the yaller from rubbing off ?'
Quite likely, my boy.' 'An' who sews
the cover on ?' This stumped the old