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" MILLITEIM JOURNAL."
What the Ship Brought Me.
I waited long by the wide bay's aide,
Wailed until the aun weut down,
And the mountain peak against the sky
T, n aned, wearing a gleaming gold crown,
lite crickets ehiipeJ in the waving grass.
The waves made music in passing along,
While many a bin! jnst going to rest
Sang its solt, melodious vesper song.
T heard the hells ot the village ring.
Ringing the el se of the long day's toil,
The end of the factory's busy hum,
And the daily 1 dxn's brisk turmoil;
And the shadows deepened while I sat there
Watching, nve, watching lor oue to come,
One who had btajn for a whole long year
Many and manv a mile from home.
VVhut was that voice tlist 1 listened to.
That sarv; a song oi sweetness rare?
What was the whisper that eatne to me
As I sat watching tho bright waves there?
It was the votoe of iho heart's strong iaith,
Of the soul's high trust it was the song.
And 1 knew that 1 soon wool 1 behold the laee
Of him who had absent been so long.
And the moon aro9c with her wonted grace.
And s oiled on a siil so purely white
It seemed 1 Ke the wing ot s one spirit pale
That had come abn>ad i:t the moonlit night-
I watched its coming with hope and fear
As I saw the vessel mote platn'v grow
To my sight, though it came on slugg-sh feet,
Aye, it came, it seemed to me, so slow!
Rut j iy lor tne was in that diip.
For it brought my loved one back to me—
Him who had carried his iaith and hope
All over the cruel, tempestuous sea;
And now. whenever I sit beside
That white capped b v an 1 a sail appears,
1 think f the joy which a sail brought me
One summer eve in tho long-gone years.
THREE BRAVE MEN.
Pretty Barbara Ferron would not
marry. Her mother was in consterna
"Why are you so stubborn. Barbara?"
she asked. "You have plenty of
"But they do not suit." said Barbara,
coolly tying her curls before the mirror.
"Why not ?"
"I want to marry a man who is
brave, equal to any emergency. If I
give up my liberty I want it taken care
"Silly child! What is the matter
with Big Barney, the blacksmith?"
"He is big, but 1 never heard that
he was brave."
"And you never heard that he was
not. What is the matter with Ernest,
the gunsmith ?"
"He is as placid as goaf's milk."
"That's no sign he is a coward.
There is Little Fritz, the tanner ; he is
quarrelsome enough for you, surely!"
"He is no bigger than a bantam
cock. It is little good he can do if the
house was set upon by robbers."
"It is not always strength that wins
• fight, girl. It takes brains as well as
brawn. Come now, Barbara, give these
three young fellows a fair trial."
Barbara turned her face before the
mirror, letting down one raven tress
and looping up another.
"I will, mother," she said, at last.
That evening Ernest, the gunsmith- !
kirocked at the door.
"You sent for me, Barbara?" he
-aid, going to the girl, who stood upon
the hearth, coquettishly warming one
pretty foot and then the other.
"Yes, Ernest," she replied, "I've
been thinking on what you said the
other night when you were here."
Ernest spoke quietly, but his dark
blue eyes flashed, and he looked at her
"I want to test you."
"I want to see if you dare do a very
"What is it?"
"There is an old coffin up-stairs. It
3mells moldy. They say Kedmond, the
murderer, was buried in it; but Satan
came for his body and left the coffin
empty at the end of a week, and it was
finally taken from the tomb. It is up.
stairs in the room grandfather died in,
and they say grandsire does not rest
easy in his grave for some reason
though that I know nothing about.
Dare you make that coffin your bed
"Is that all. I will do that and sleep
soundly. Why, pretty one, did you
think I had weak nerves?"
"Your nerves will have good proof
if you undertake it. Remember, no
one sleeps in that wing of the house."
"I shall sleep the sounder."
"Good night, then; I will send a lad
to show you the chamber. If you stay
till morning," said the imperious Miss
Barbara, with a nod of her pretty head,
'*l will marry you."
"You vow it?"
Ernest turned straight away, and
followed the lad in waiting, through
dim rooms and passages, up echoing
stairs, along narrow damp ways, where
rats scuttled before, to a low chamber.
The lad looked pale and scared, evident
ly wanting to hurry away, but Ernest
made him wait till he took a survey by
the aid of his lamp. It was very large,
and full of recesses, which had been
birred across. He remembered that
ahc fttilllieim Journal.
DFINTN"GFR & BUMILLFF, LMILors and Proprietor?
the old grandsire Forron had been
insane for several years before his
death, so that this precaution had been
necessary for the safety f>f himself and
others. In the centre of the room
stood a coffin, beside it stood a chair*
The room was otherwise perfectly
Ernest stretched himself out in the
"Be kind enough to tell Miss Barbara
it is a very good lit," he said.
The boy went out and shut the door
leaving the young gunsmith alone in
the dark. *
Meanwhile Barbara was talking with
the big blacksmith in the sitting room.
"Barney," said she. pulling her hand
away from his grasp when he would
have kissed her. "I've a test to put you
to before I give you an answer. There
is a corpse lying in the chamber where
my grandsire died, in the untenanted
wing of the house. If you dare sit
with it all night and let nothing drive
you away from your post you will not
ask me again in vain '
"You will give m a light and a
bottle of wine and a book to read V"
"Are these ali the conditions you can
offer me, Barbara?"
"All. And if you are frightened you
need never look me in the face again "
So Barney was conducted to his post
by the lad. who had been instructed in
the secret, and whose involuntary start
at Ernest's placid face as he lay in the
coffin, was attributed by Barney to the
natural awe of a corpse. He took his
seat and the boy left him alone with
the darkness, the bats, and the coffin.
Shortiy after, young Fritz, the tan
ner. arrived, fiattered and hopeful from
the fact that Barbara had sent for him.
"Have you changed yoi r mind-
"No; and I shall not until 1 know
that you can do a really brave thing."
"What shall it be? I swear to sat
isfy you, Barbara."
"I have a proposal to make to you.
My plan requires skill as well as cour
"Well, in this house there is a man
watching a corpse. He has sworn not
to leave his post till morning. If you
can make him do it I shall be satisfied
that you are as smart and as brave as
I require a husband to be."
"Why, Dothing is no easy!" exclaim
ed Fritz. "I can scare him away.
Furnish me with a sheet, show me the
room and go to your rest, Barbara.
You shall find me at the post in the
Barbara did as required and saw the
tanner step lightly away to his task.
It was then nearly 12 o'clock and she
sought her own chamber.
Barney was sitting at his vigil, and
so far all had been well.
The night had been very long, for he
had no means of counting the time.
At times a thrill went through him,
for it seemed as if he could hear a low
suppressed breathing not far away.
He persuaded himself that it was the
wind blowing through the crevices of
the old house. Still it was very lonely
and not at all cheerful.
The face in the coffin gleamed white
still. The rats squeaked as if there
was a famine upon them and they
smelled dead flesh. The thought
made him shudder. He got up and
walked about, but something made a
noise behind him, and he put his
chair with its back against the wall
and sat down again. He had been
at work all day, and at last grew
sleepy. Finally he nodded and snored.
Suddenly it seemed as if somebody
had touched him. ile awoke with a
start, ana saw nobody near, though
in the centre of the room stood a
"Curse you, get out of this," he
exclaimed, in a fright, using the first
words that came to his tongue.
The figure held out its arm and
slowly approached him. He started
to his feet. The spectre came nearer,
pressing him into the corner.
"The mischief take you!" cried
Barney, in his extremity.
Involuntarily he stepped back;
still the figure advanced, coming
nearer and nearer, as if to take him
in a ghostly embrace. The hair start
ed up on Barney's head; he grew
desperate, and just as the gleaming
arm would have touched him he fell
on the ghost like a whirlwind, tear
ing the sheet, thumping, pounding,
beating, and kicking, more and more
enraged at the resistance he met with,
which told him the truth.
As the reader knows, he was big,
and Fritz was little, and while he was
pounding the little fellow terribly,
and Fritz was trying to get a lunge
at Barney's stomach, to take the
wind out of him, both kicking and
plunging like horses, they were petri
fied by hearing a voice cry:
"Take one of your size, Big Barney."
Looking around they saw the corpse
sitting up in his coffin. This was too
MILLIIEIM, r A.. TIT IT RSD AV, Sfi I'TE MBER 20, 188. S.
much. They released each other and
sprang for the door. They never
knew how they got out; hut they
ran home in hot haste, panting like
It. was Barbara herself who came
and opened the door the next morn
"It's very early; one more little
nap," said he, "one more lit lb' nap."
turning over in his rodin.
So she married him; though she
sent Frit/ and Harney invitations to
the wedding, tney did not appear.
T r they discovered the trick they kept
the knowledge .to themselves and
never willingly fared Barbara's laugh
ing eyes again.
TIIK SHETLAND PONY.
I hnrmlfrlillci of (lie Klttlr Aiilmnl
l£nt|rly Peuilil ot Vicloiisncs*.
The native live stock of Shetland
cannot generally he commended, but
the well known pony of that part of
the world is perfect of its kind. As
carts would be out of place on the
steep sides of the hills, ponies arc kept
by every family for the purpose of car
rying peat for the winter. The fuel,
after being dried, is placed in baskets
called "cassies," one of which hangs on
each side of the animal's hack, a st rong,
broad ba< k, admirably adapted b>r tho
purpose of bearing heavy burdens.
The "Sheltie" is an animal which for
many generations has been bred and
trained under special and peculiar cir
cumstances. and hence his physique
and general character, his hereditary
instincts and intelligence, his small
size and his purity and fixity of type.
A pony belonging to a breed which
has had to pick its zigzag way down a
steep declivity during many genera
tions. must, be sure footed. By the
same rule, a pony, whose grooms and
playmates include a dozen juveniles
the children of the neighborhood, who
roll about underneath him, or upon his
back—must be gentle, and the same
pony, living on the scathold on air
sometimes, rather than on herbage,
must be hardy. The pony of the Shet
land Isles is in fact the offspring of
circumstances. He is the pet of the
family, gentle as the Arab steed under
similar training. He will follow his
friends indoors like a dog, and lick the
platters or the children's faces. He
has no more kick: in him than a cat
ami no more bite in him than a puppy,
lie is a noble example of the complete
suppression of Uuiee vicious propensi
ties that some of his kind exhibit when
they are ill-treated, and of the intelli
gence and good temper that nray be
developed in horses by kindness
There is mi precedent for his running
away, nor for his becoming frightened
or tired, even when he has carried
some stout laird from Lerwick to his
house, many Scotch miles across the
hills. lie moves down the rugged
hillsides wittfi admirable circumspec
tion, loaded pannier fashion with two
heavy "cassies" of peat, picking his way
step by step, sometimes sideways. In
Crossing boggy sjots, where the water
is retained and a green carpet of aqua
tic grass might deceive some steeds
and bring them headlong to grief in
the spongy trap, he carefully smells
the surface, and is thus enabled to cir
cumvent the danger. In the winter
the Shetland pony "wears a coat made
of felted hair, and Specially suited for
the occasion. Ilia thick winter gar
ment is well adapted for protecting
him against the fogs and damps of the
climate. It is exceedingly warm and
comfortable, fits close to the wearer's
dapper form, and is not bad looking
when new. But when tho coat grows
old toward spring—at tho season when
the new one should appear—it becomes
the shabbiest garment of the kind that
you often see. Its very amplitude
and the abundance of the material,
render it conspieious when it peels
and hangs for a while ragged and worn
out, and then falls bit by bit, till the
whole of it disappears. The number
of ponies bred in different districts de
pends upon circumstances. A good
breeding district must possess a good
hill—that is, a hill lying well for shel
ter, and well clothed with native vege
tation, such as heather.— Forestry.
Rules for Entertaining Gnests.
Don't invite them if you don't want
Don't run in debt to entertain them
Don't, turn your house upside down
Don't wear your Sunday dress
when you are cooking the dinner.
Don't show them off too publicly if
they happen to be distinguished indi
viduals, and don't hide them if they
are poor relatives.
Don't change the complexion of
your family prayers to match the relig
ion they happen to belong to.
Don't tell them every minute to
make themselves at home, but make
your house so home-like that they can't
help feeling at home.
A PAPER FOR THT HOME CIRCLE.
Tlir c hi iun Place* Whrr* Money Ima
lire it ho ii n(I When Hidden or Loel.
"1 have been sent for very often in
my time,"' said and elderly New York
detective, to a San reporter, "to search
fur money concealed by eccentric peo
ple. There was more of this hiding of
cash forty years ago, than there is now,
owing probably, to the doubtful char
acter of some of the old savings banks.
"Some fifteen years ago, I went up
to a faun house in Orange county, at
the request of the heirs, to look for
money. The deceased had no striking
characteristics for my purpose, and
after trying several lines of search for
threedays, I grew doubtful. His riding
saddle had been ripped open, his boot
neeis Knocked off for diamonds, his
shoes split up and his upholstery pull
ed lo pieces. Bricks had been taken
out, the hearth torn up, and the wain
scotings pulled down. Even the back
boards of picture frames had been
taken out. and the hens had dug around
the roots oi every tree in the orchard,
but still no money had been found
The reward was too large to be lost,
but 1 was nearly at my wits' end.
Finally the thought came like a flash:
'Where was the old gentleman in the
habit ol' sitting ?' 1 asked. *Oh, he al.
most always sat by that window,' said
the brother; 'but we've pulled every
thing to pieces around there,' *. s it
down just he did.' The man sac
down. 'ln which direction was he
most apt to look ?' 'Nowhere in j ar
ticular; out of the window, generally.'
•Toward the barn?' 'No, this way.' I
followed the look; it was in the line of
an olu used-up pump. 'Which way
did he walk when he went out to the
field?' 'Over to the pump, and then
made a bee lihe for the pond/ 'lhcso
answers had a certain significance.
Men like to have the place of conceal
ment in sight, and it is well known
that they will often walk over money
they have buried, to see thht the sod is
undisturbed. I had the pump taken
up and excavations made- no paoney.
The pump was replaced I entered
the room once more, and stood by the
window. Maidenly l saw a faint but
peculiar looking mark on the sill; it
was a surveyor's point. I 'lined' it tip
to the pump, measured out to the exact
centre of the line, and the digging be
gan. A two-inch steam pipe was
struck at a depth of four feet. The
end was plugged; I took home a SSOO
bill that night."
"1 bad n curious case two years ago.
A wealthy man had been attacked
with partial paralysis, and his sj>eeeh
and the greater part of his memory
had left hini. He wrote out the ques-
tion: 'Where did I put my money ?'
The amount was large, $32,000 in
bonds, which he had been about to
take to a safe deposit building. The
heirs were wild. 1 stopped all the
tearing up and cushion-pricking busi
ness, for the man was not a concealer,"
though it was supposed by the doctors
that he had felt the attack coming on,
and had put the money in some out-of-
the-way-placc. Just how, or in what
spot in his library he had fallen, could
not be made out. After a day's reflec
tion, my partner and 1 Inul to conclude
that he had been robbed. Two courses
were open to us: we could make sud
den arrests without any real evidence,
always a hateful course for a good de
tective to take, or we must find the ex
act spot where the man fell, and 'line'
up from that. The doctors helped us
here; 'You had better examine the
gentleman's body,' they said. We did
so, and found a long horizontal mark
on the hip, and bluemarkson the knee
and elbow. He had fallen sidewise
over an object not. over sixteen inches
high, and having a narrow, rounded
edge of metal, for an iron mark was
found on the clothing. Every piece
of furniture in the house was inspect
ed, but to no purpose. The heirs ap
parent were in despair. We took all
night to think the matter over. Then
my partner said: 'How 'about the cel
lar? That's where the household metal
is.' They all laughed. 'He hasn't
been there in a year,' they said. We
went down. My partner glanced
quickly around, and then gave me a
look that 1 can almost feel running
through my nerves to this day. He
had discovered some common house
hold articles which had not been used
since the family had been searching
the fireplaces. He was. in fact, look
ing over a lot of coal hods. 'There is
our metalic edge,' he said. He turned
the hods over carefully, and from
out a mass of waste paper, there roll
ed at last the $32,000 worth of bonds.
The paralytic had fallen over the hod,
and the money had dropped into it
among his waste papers. Before the
general search was made, all 'rubbish'
had been taken to the cellar. Our
friends had sought too deeply for what
they had supposed to be concealed
money, and had grossly neglected the
science of the obvious. Some detec
tives do precisely the same thing. My
partner and I divided $5,000 between
ui that night"
Invention of the Telephone*
This is Professor Bell's account of
the way In which the telephone came I
to be invented. A reporter asked him:
"Was the invention of the telephone
the result of a deliberate research and
experiment for that purpose, or was it
a discovery rather than a creation ?"
"It was the result of long and pa
tient study of two distinct lines of
thought which finally blended in one,
producing the telephone. I had for a
long time studied the subject of speech
and the organs by which it is produced,
as had my father before me, and in
doing so conceived the idea of producing
artificial sounds by a certain system.
I came to Canada for my health, I ajn
a native of Scotland, you know, and
while studying electricity in the woods
there, and on regaining ray lost health,
I was called by the officials of the Bos
ton schools to introduce a new system
of teaching the deaf. It was nothing
less than teaching them to speak. I
had long believed it possible to teach
the deaf the use of the mouth and or.
gans of speech and had demonstrated
it in some degree, and gladly accepted
the opportunity of putting the system
into practical operation. 1 undertook
the work, keeping up, however, my
study of electricity and its application
to sound production, working late at
night after other people were at rest.
In my elliorts to demonstrate to the
deal how the sound waves affect the
hearing ear 1 made use of a little in
strument with a membranous dia
phragm which responded to the sound
wa\es. 1 conceived the idea of writ,
ing thes" sound waves on smoked glass
so that they could be read. Continuing
the experiment still further. I obtain
ed a human ear. and found that by
speaking into it I could produce simi
lar but more satisfactory results, a little
bone in the ear being moved by the vi
bration of the ear drum and writing
the sound waves on the glass. All
this time 1 was continuing my exper
iments with sound and the application
of electricity ty its production. 1 bad
succeeded in a considerable degree
when suddenly the idea of connecting
the two successful experiments occur
red to me, and 1 did so, attaching the
ear to the instrument by which the
sounds were produced,"and 1 had the
telephone. The remainder was only a
matter of detail. The two lines of
thought and investigation which 1 had
followed so long and patiently blended
there, and the result was the tele
Curious Fuels About Insane People.
The condition of idiots can some
times be mended by proper training.
There is an institution for this pur
pose near Media, Fa. It sometimes
happens that the infliction of accidental
violence upon the head of idiots is fol
lowed by the return of the mind. This
is a very singular but well authenticat
ed fact. It is stated by competent
authorities that the bones of insane
persons become unnaturally brittle.
There is little doubt of the correctness
of this statement; and this fact at
times doubtless makes it appear as
though great violence had been in.
flieted upon the insane; that is, very
slight injuries will in these persons
produce wounds which would re
quire extraordinary violence for their
production in healthy persons. A
curious fact concerning melancholy is
"that great actors, public orators, and
others who undergo great fatigue to
amuse the public are subject to this
very form of derangement." The poet
Cowper was said to be suffering from
it at the time he wrote "John Gilpin."
It, is due insane persons that they be
provided with the necessaries of life,
and that they be protected from their
own violence and from the violence of
others as far as possible. It is also
due society that tho sane people in the
world be protected from the violence
of the insane. In no way can this be
accomplished as effectually as by the
hospitals for the insane. Notwith
standing all the furore which is at
times raised against these institutions
it is probable that most of them are
managed in the best possible manner.—
Poor human nature, which views
the universe from the stand-point, of its
own interests, is illustrated in this an
A Scotch farmer was greatly exer
cised regarding the safety of his hay
crop. The weather, though often
threatening, favored his efforts till he
had succeeded in getting it safely
gathered in, being in this respect more
fortunate than several of his neigbors.
After seeing the last wisp of straw
tied round his stacks, he exclaimed,
with a self satisfied air:
"Xoo, sin' I hae gotten my hay a'
safely in, 1 think the warld would be
greatly the better o' a guid shower."
TVrme, SI.OO Per Year fn Advance.
Electricity has been successfully ap
plied as a motive powe to omnibuses
in Paris. . ,
Uotton manufactured Into duck is
being successfully introduced as a
roofing material. Aside from its
cheapness it possesses the advantage
of lightness as compared with shingles
or slate; it effectually excludes from
water, and it is s;iid to be a non-con
ductor of heat.
Brohme's experiments seem to show
that in the plant there are two opera
tions taking place—making sugar
from carboni' 1 acid and the conversion
of the same sugar into starch.
Sir Henry Thompson, the London
surgeon, recognizes in lish combina
tion of all the elements of food that
the human body requires in almost ev
ery phase of life, more especially by
those who follow sedentary employ
ment. To women lie considers lisli to
be an invaluable article of diet, but be
scouts as a complete fallacy the notion
that fish-eating increases the brain
power. "The only action fish had on
the brain was to put a man's body
into proper relations with the work
he had to do."
Professor Sir W. Thompson, in his
new treatise on natural philosophy, is
led by a consideration of the necessary
order of cooling and consolidation of.
the earth to infer that the interior of
our world is not, as commonly suppos
ed, all liquid, with a thin solid crust
of from 30 to I<K) miles thick,but that
it is on the whole more rigid than a
continuous solid globe of glass of the
same diameter, and probably more
rigid than such a globe of steel.
Edward Bromley, a young Phiiadel- j
phia machinist, asserts that he has dis
covered a new mechanical law. the
application of which will enable him
to increase hundred-fold the power of
any machine, from a clock to a steam- !
ship, without using an ounce more
fuel than usual, or driving the motive
power anv faster than ordinarily. The 1
dtefcovery consists in combining the !
action of the screw, the inclined plane
and one other form which, like Mr.
Keclcy, he refuses to mention.
Arab ( onrage.
The courage of the Bedouin is one
of their most lauded virtues, but one
which within the present century has
not been conspicuously vindicated. I
have seen more than once a tribe on a
raid, and have heard more than one
tale of Bedouin battles. As a rule, the
bulletin seems to be to the following
effect: "TYe bravely attacked the ene
my, which made its appearance in a
force of one to our ten. We took I
several prisoners, and the enemy lost
heavily, two horses and several cows
being slain. At length his remaining !
forces withdrew, and we found our j
casualties to include one mare hurt in 1
the leg by a spear. We cut off the
fore fingers of our prisoners in remem
brance of those of our tribe whose
beards and hair had been burned off
on a former occasion, and letting tliern
go, drove off the captured camels, and
endeavored to conceal as far as possi
ble the direction of our victorious re
treat." Such are the deeds which I
have heard recounted, and although
men arc sometimes slain in battle, and
Fahed en Nimar has legs which have
been peppered with small shot, it must
be remembered that to initiate a blood
feud is a most serious circumstance in
tribe life, and that the whole policy of
the leaders will for many years be di
rected to the healing of the breach
thus caused, and to the settlement of
blood money. When a disagreement
occurs between two tribes, they will
gather their spearmen, concentrate
their encampments, and square up. so
to speak, toward each other, but they
generally contrive, before matters
come to an open breach, to find a third
party willing to mediate, and a com
promise is established, to the great re
lief of the bold warriors on either side.
A Tramp's Siesta.
A woman who had been swinging
in a hammock in a yard on Cass ave
nue recently, had no sooner vacated
it in answer to a call from the house,
than a ragged old tramp who had been
leaning over tho fence walked inside
and coolly planted himself in the ham
mock for a siesta. In about five min
utes the woman reappeared, and see
ing at a glance how matters stood, she
brought out a sharp knife, walked
straight up to the fellow, and before
he could chuckle twice, she cut the
head rope. He came down on his head
with a thump, toppled over at fulj
length, and slowly scrambled up and
walked off. Not a word was said un
til he was outside the gate. Then he
turned and called out:
"Maybe you'd like my photograph
just as I keeled out of that old fish-net,
but you won't get it- not by a jug
full!"—Fee Press. / .
If anbscribon* order the disconlinnnHon of
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It chanced, they say, upoD a day,
A lurlonj* from the town,
That she was strolling up the way
As ho wns strolling down;
She humming low, as might be so,
A ditty sweet and small;
He whistling loud a tune, you know
That had no tune at all.
It happened so, precisely ao,
As all their friends and neighbor* know.
Aa I and you perhaps might do,
They gazed' upon the ground;
But when they'd gone a yard or two,
Of course they both looked round
They both were pained, they both explained
What caused their eyes to roam;
And nothing after that remained
But he should ace her home.
It happened so, precisely ao,
As all their friends and neighbors know.
Next day to that 'twas common chat,
Admitting no debate,
A bonnet close beside a hat
Was sitting on a gate,
A mouth, not more, bad bustled o'er,
When, braving nod and smile,
One blushing soul came through the door
Where two when np the aisle.
It happened so, precisely ao,
As all their friends and neighbor* know
A young man biting his mustache
is a case of "down in the mouth."
An improbable story is properly
a canard, because intelligent people
can aril ly believe it.
The average girl with a big hat
loaded with flowers and feathers seems
all head till you talk to her.
"How to Attain the Life Beyond," is
the title of a 50-cent book. We will
tell you for a cent. Eat a cucumber.
It is a Chicago scientist's prediction
that if pointed shoes remain in use
human toes will eventually he obliter
ated ampng civilized people.
The waitress inferred that the gueet
had taken a little something before
supper from the mere fact of his order
ing "tied fraters and chork pops."
Mrs. Gillolly says she doesn't see
what they want to send way over to
Egypt to get rags for. She has been
fully supplied since she married
At Niagara Falls a young bride was
very much embarrassed when a hack
man pointed to her husband and said:
"Do you want a carriage for your
Artemus Ward once indignantly
remarked to a railroad president who
refused him a favor: 'You won't pass
me, because your road is so slow it won't
Music teacher to scholar: "You see
that note with an open space? That's
a whole note. Can you remember
that?" Scholar: "Yes'm—a whole
note is a note with a hole it"
A Kansas woman was upbraiding
her husband when a cyclone hove in
sight, and. with a sigh of relief, the
unhappy man ran out into its path,
and was safely blown into the next
The Man With a Boil.
A broad-shouldered man was walk
ing along Chatham street on Friday.
He looked as if he was in great pain.
"What's the matter?" asked a friend.
"Oh, I'm in terrible agonyl Got a
boil as big as a watermelon on my calf.
Can hardly walk. So long!" and the
proprietor of Job's comforter moved
off. As he did so another gentleman
came along and shook hands with his
"I've got the biggest joke of the sea
son on . There he goes up the
street. He was telling me how he was
frightened by a dog this morning.
Let's have some fun."
The new arrival w r as "in for it."
"You walk up behind him, grab him
by the leg and bark like a dog. His
nerves are all unstrung, and we'll have
a big joke on him to see him jump."
"I'll do it," said the other, "and you
walk on the other side and see me
scare him to death."
The two parted to carry out the pro
gramme. The latest arrival proceeded
after their mutual friend. Just as he
got close up behind him he grabbed
him by the boil and playfully barked:
"Bow, wow, wow," just as naturally
as a dog show.
The broad-shouldered man went up
in the air, while his face looked as if
he had suddenly swallowed a tree full
of persimmons. When he came down
he recited the alphabet backwards and
then pointed his toe thirteen different
times at his playful friend, slammed
him up against a telegraph pole, mash
ed his hat over his eyes, and then
walked away looking as if he would
like to put the leg with the watermelon
boil on it over his shoulder and carry it
After the "dog" had pulled himself
out of his hat he hunted up and down
Chatham street for the man who had
put the job up on him, but he couldn't
find him, for he was looking over the
cornice of a neighboring house and
bursting with grins.— New York World.