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opposite the Mengel House,
The proprietor takes pleasure in offering to the !
public the following articles belonging to the I
Book Business, at CITV RETAIL PRICES -
N O V E L S.
BIBLES, HYMN BOOKS, &C.:
Large Family Bibles,
Small Bibles, ,
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Smith's Dictionary of the Bible,
History of the Books of the Bible,
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A GENTS WANTED FOR
FOR THE PEOPLE!
C iXTAiviso Full Instructions and Practical
Forms, adapted to Every Kind of Business, and
to all the States of the Union.
BY FRANKLIN CHAMBERLIN
Of the United States Bar.
•There is no book of the kind which will take
rank with it for authenticity, intelligence, and
completeness." — Springfield (Mass.) Repnbli
This is the Only New Book of the kind pub
lished for raanv years. It is prepared by an
able Practical Lawyer, of twenty-fiive years' ex
perience, and is just what everybody needs for
It is highly recommended by many eminent
Judges, including the Chief ju sttce and other
Judges of Missachusetts, and the Chief Justice
and entire Bench of Connecticut.
Sold only by Subscription. Agents Wanted
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0. D. CASE A CO., Publishers. Hartford,
Conn.; No. 1 Spruce St. , New York ; Cincinnati,
0.; and Chicago, 111.
An old law-book, published many years ago
has just been hastily re-issued as "a new book,"'
without even a suitable revision of its obsolete
statements. Do not eonfonnd that work with
CBaunp.KLin'S LAW-BOOK KOB TBX PBOPLE
F A T~K S T S T Y LE S
J WINTER GOODS
MRS. E. V. MO WRY
Has just returned from Philadelphia and New
York, and now opened a stock ot the latest styles
MILLINERY, DRY GOODS, FANCY
NOTIONS, 6rC., <K'
All of which will be sold at very short Profits.
I was cured of Deafness and Catarrh
1 wa .ur _ w j|| send the receipt
free. "IUrS M C LEGGETT. Hoboken. N. Y.
~T~ T H I E F .
He hap been traveling about humbugging drug
gists and private parties, mixing up and selling a
base COM pound which he calls AVOLu IIR >
PAIN PAINT. AI of Wolcott's genuine reme
dies have a white outside wrapper (with signa
ture large). Look out for counterfeits.
Six Pints of WGLCOTT S ANNIHILATOR for
Catarrh and Oolds in the head, or one Pint ot
Pain Paint, for Ulcers or Pain, sent free of ex
press charges, on receipt of the money at 181
Chatham Square, N. Y ; or one Gallon of Pain
Paint (double strength) for S2O. Stuall bottles
sold by all Druggists. R- L. WOLCOTT.
BEST CABINET ORGANS AT
That the MASON A HAMLIN CABINET and
METRIPOLITAN ORGANS are the bos', in the
world is proved by the almost unanimous opinion
of professional musicians, by the award to them
of Seventy-Five (*old and Silver Stltdals or oth
er highest premiums, at principal industrial com
petitions within a few years, including the Medal
at the Paris Exposition, and by a sale very much
freater than that of any similar instruments,
his Company manufacture first'cla** instru
ments, and will not make 'cheap organs* at any
price, or suffer an inferior instrument to bear
their name. Having greatly increased their ta
ciiities for manufacture, by the introduction of
new machinery and otherwise, they are now
making Better Organs than ever before, at in
creased economy in coat, in accordance with
their fixed policy of selling always at least re
munerative profit, they are now offering at Pri
ces of Inferior Work. Four Octave Organs, Plain
Walnut Case, SSO. Five Octave Organs, Double
Heed, Solid Walnut Case, carved and paneled,
with Five Stops (Viola, D.apason, Melodia,
Flute, Tremulant), $125. Other styles in pro
Circulars, with full particulars, including ac
curate drawings of the different styles of organs,
and much information which will be of service to
every purchaser of an organ, will be sent tree,
and postage paid, to any one desiring them.
MASON & HAMLIN OKOAN CO.,
154 Tremont St., Boston ; 556 Broadway, N. Y.
npHE AMERICAN FAMILY
Is presented to the public as the most
SIMPLE, DURABLE, COMPACT AND CHEAP
Knitting Machine ever Invented.
PRICES, ONLY $2T>.
This "Machine will run either backward or
forward with equal facility :
MAKES THE SAME STITCH AS BY HAND,
but far superior in every respect.
WILL KNIT 20,000 STITCHES IN
AND DO PERFECT WORF , leaving every ,
knot on the inside of the work. It will knit a
pair of stockings (any sire) in less than a half an ;
hour. It will knit
Close or Open, Plain or Ribbed Work , j
with any kind of fine woolen yarn, or cotton, silk |
or linen. It will knit stockings with double heel j
and toe, drawers, hoods, smoking caps, comforts,
purses, muffs, fringe, afghans, nubias, under
sleeves, mittens, skating caps, lamp wicks, maps, j
card, undershirts, shawls, jackets, cradle blan
kets, leggins, suspenders, wristers, tidies, tip
pets, tufted work, and in fact an endless variety
of articles in every day use, as well as for orna- ;
FROM So TO $lO PER DAY
Can be made by any one tpilh the Amen ran \
Knitting Machine, knitting stockings, Ac., while
expert operators can even make more, knitting
fancy work, which always commands a ready
sale. A person can readily knit from twelve
to fifteen pairs of stockings per day, the profit on
which will be not less than forty eents per pair.
FARM E R 8
Can sell their wool at only forty to fifty cents per
pound ; but by getting the wool made in yarn at
a small expense, and knitting it into socks, two
or three dollars per pound can be realized.
On receipt of $25 we will forward a machine as
Wo wish to procure active AGENTS in every
section of the United States and Canadas to whom
the most liberal inducement'! will be offered.
AMERICAN KNITTING MACHINE COMPANY
decStwd Boston, Mass , or St. Louis, Mo.
\riNEGAR.— How madein 10 hours
without drugs. For circulars, address L.
PACE Vinegar Works, Cromwell, Conn. | bov2swß
V GENTS WANTED FOR BEFORE THE
FOOTLIGHTS AND BEHIND TBI
SCENES, by Olive Logan. A high-toned, rapid
selling book. A complete expose of the show-world.
650 pages ;60 engravings. Prospectus and sam
ple free to Agents. PARMEI.EE 3 00.,
nov2swß Philadelphia, or Middletown Ct.
i GENTS WANTED for our great
J-\ Housebould Work,
OUR HOME PHYSICIAN!
A new Handy-Book of Family Medicine. By
Dr BEARD, of the University of the City ot New
York . assisted by medical professors in the vari
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preparation. Quackery and humbuggerv exposed.
Professors in onr leading medical oolleges testify
that it >s the best family doctor book ever writ
ten Outfit and sample free to agents. A. H.
HUBBARD, 400 Chestnut St , Philadelphia Pa.
4 GENTS WANTED.—Newest and
x\_greatest invention out —the New Self-adjus
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Roundabouts, and Ladies' Dresses. Indispensi
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SCOTT, Pittsburg, Pa. nov2swi
I was cured of Deafness and Catarrh
by a simple remedy and will send the receipt
free. MRS. M. C. LEGGETT-, Hoboken, N J.
nRBE TO ROOK AGENTS.—
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ING CO . Philadelphia. Pa. novll w4.
H<) w TO MAKE M<)NFY—VIR
GINIA LAND—W T e will send to any ad
dress a Pamphlet of One Hundred pages, giving
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I By sending 35 cents, with age, height, color
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with name and date of marriage. Address W.
FOX, P O. Drawer, No 24, FultonviUe, N Y.
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WRITTEN BV HIMSELF. IN ONE LARGE
OCTAVE VOLUME—NEARLY 800 PAGES
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It embraces Forty Years Rocolleotions of his Bu.
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ceptible to all classes. Every one wants it A
geuts average from 60 to 100 subscribers a week.
We offer extra inducements. Illustrated Cata
logue and Terms to agents sent free J. B.
BURR, A CO , Pub's. Hartford Conn. |novllwß
OLD A RMS WANTED,-
Sbarp's Cartines and Rifles,
Henry's 16 Shot Carbines and Rifles,
Spencer Carbines and Rifles,
Colt's Navy Pistols.
Colt's Army Pistols.
Remington's Army or Navy Pistols,
Smith A Wesson's 5 A 6 shot Revolving Pistols.
Parties having any of the above arms in any
quantity from a single arm upward can find a lib
eral oash purchaser by addressing
CIIAS. A. WILSON,
nov2sw3 Jersey City. N. J.
SECOND AND LAST NOTICE.—
We have extended our Notice till the 15th
of December, after which time the booke of Geo.
Blytnyer, Geo. Blymyer A Son and B. M Bly
rnyer A Co., will be placed in the bands of Esq.,
Nicodemus for Settlement, without respeSt to
persons. nov 25 1 669, w3.
npHE BEDFORD GAZETTE is the
I best FAMILY paper published in Penna.
BEDFORD, PA., THURSDAY MORNING DECEMBER 16, 1869.
My story commences (said an old
soldier of the "grand army," who had
left one of his arms on the field of bat
tle,) on the oth of November, 181:1, a
short time after the battle of Wiazma.
We beat a retreat, not before the Rus
sians, for they were at a respectable
distance from our camp, but before the
sharp and bitter cold of theii detesta
ble county—a cold more terrible to us
than the Russians, Austrians and Ba
varians all put together.
During the preceding days our offi
cers had told us that we were approach
ing Sinoleusko, where we should get :
food, fire, brandy and shoes; but in the j
meantime we were perishing in the j
glaciers and continually harassed by |
the Cossacks. We had marched six j
hours without stopping to take breath, j
for we knew that repose was certain
deatt). An icy wind blew the drifting
snow in our faces, and from time to
time we stumbled over the frozen
corpse of a comrade. We neither j
spoke nor sang ; even complaints were
no longer heard and that was a had
sign. I marched by the side of my
captain—short, strongly built, rougli I
and severe, but brave and true as the
blade of his sword; we called him I
"Captain Obstinate," for when lie once
said a thing, it was fixed ; he never j
changed his opinions. He had been !
wounded at Wiazma, and his usual !
crimson face was then ghastly pale, i
while a ragged white handkerchief, all ]
stained with blood, was hound round !
his head, and added to the palor of his j
countenance. All at once I saw him j
stagger on his legs like a drunken !
man, then fall like a block to the I
"Good heavens! captain," I said,,!
bending over him, "you cannot remain '
"You see that I can since I do it."
replied he, showing his legs.
"Captain," said I. "you mnst not!
give way ;" and lifting him in my j
arras, I tried to put him on his feet,
lie leaned on me and attempted (o
walk, but in vain ; he fell again drag
ging me with him.
"John," said he "all is over. Leave
me here, and rejoin your company as
quickly as possible. One word before
you go! At Veroppe, near Grenoble,
lives a good woman, eighty-two years
of age, my—my mother. Go and see
her, embrace her for rue, and tell her
that—that—tell her what you will, but
give her this purse and my cross. It
is all I have! now go!"
"Is that all, captain ?"
"That is all, God bless you ! Make
My friends, I do not know how it
was, but I felt two tears roll down my
"No, captain," I cried, "I will not
leave you ; either you come with me,
or I will remain with yon."
'•I forbid you to remain."
"You may put me under arrest,
then, if you like, but at present you
must let me do as I please."
"You are an insolent fellow."
"Very good, captain, but you must
come with me."
He bit his lips with rage, but said no
more. I lifted him and carried him
upon my shoulder like a sack. You
can easily imagine that with such a
burden, I could not keep pace with
my comrades. In fact, I soon lost
sight of their columns, and could see
nothing around me but the white and
silent plain. I still walked on, when
presently appeared a troop of Cossacks
galloping towards me, with furious
gesticulations and wild cries.
The captain was by this time com
pletely insensible; and I resolved,
whatever it might cost me, not to a
bandon him. I laid down on the
ground, and covered him with snow.
Then I crept beneath a heap of dead
bodies; leaving, however my eyes at
liberty. Presently the Cossacks came
up, and began to strike with their
lances right and left, while their horses
trampled us under their feet. One of
these heavy beasts set his foot upon
my arm and crushed it. My friends,
I did not speak, I did not stir; I bit
my mouth lo stifle the cry of torture
which nearly escaped from me, and in
a few minutes the Cossacks had dis
When the last of them had disap
peared I quitted my refuge, and pro
ceeded to disinter the captain. To my
I joy he gave some signs of life. I con
trived to carry him with my one arm
toward a rock which offered a sort of
shelter, and then I laid myself by his
side, wrapping my cloak round us
The night closed in, and the snow
continued to fall. The rear guard had
long since disappeared, and the only
sound that broke the stillness of the
night was the whistle of the bullet or
the howling of the wolves feasting on
the corpses that lie stretched around.
Heaven knows what thoughts passed
through my soul during that dreadful
night, which I felt sure, would he my
last upon earth. But I remembered
the prayer which my mother had
taught me long before, when I was a
child at her knees; and bending low,
I repeared it with fervor.
That did me good, and I felt aston
ishingly calmed when 1 returned to
my place by the captain. Yet the
time passed, and I had faMcji into a
state of half stupor, when I saw a
group of French officers approach.
Before I had time to speak to them,
their chief, a little man dressed in a
furred pelisse, stepped toward me,
and said —
"what are you doing there ? Why
are. you away from your regiment?"
"For two good reasons," said I,
pointing first to the captain, and then
to my bleeding arm.
"The man says true, sir," observed
one of those who followed hirn; I saw
him marching in the roar of hid regi
ment, and carrying this officer on his .
'the emperor—for, my friends, it j
was he—gave me one of those glances j
that only he, or the eagle of the Alps,
could give, and said, "it is well. You
have done very well." Then opening i
his pelisse, he took the cross which j
decorated his green coat, aud gave it j
to me. At that instant I was no long- j
er hungry, no longer cold ; [ felt no j
more pain from my arm than if that
awkward beast had never touched it.
"Davoust," added the emperor, ad
dressing the officer who had spoken to
him, "see this man and his captain
placed in one of the baggage wagons.
Adieu!" And making me a motion of
the hand, he rode away.
Here the veteran ceased and resum
ed his pipe.
"But tell us what became of Captain
Obstinate," cried many impatient
"The captain recovered, and is now
a general on the retired list. But the
best of the joke was that as soon as he
got well, he put me under arrest for
fifteen days, as punishment for my in
fraction of discipline. This circum
stance came to the ears of Napoleon,
and after laughing, he not only set me
free, but promoted me to the rank of !
sergeant. As to the decoration, my j
children, here is the ribbon at my but
ton-hole, but the cross I Avear next to !
And opening his vest, he showed |
the precious relic, suspended from his j
neck in a little satin bag.
THE PLOW AMD THE BOND I
He who by the plow would thrive,
Himself must either hold or drive.
The other day we saw a plow in the |
furrow, its bright and visible now :
and then as the steady pulling team i
drew it around and around on its great j
work. We stood by the roadside and j
thus ran our thoughts. Who will a- j
gree with them ?
Now look at that plow. In the j
hands of the farmer's son, drawn by
willing cattle, it is doing a great work, i
It cost but a few dollars. It is j
worth untold millions to the na
tion. It prepares the ground for the i
seed which wiil bring forth crops which j
will benefit all. The mold board, the
plow-share, the beam, handles and
cross-rung, all are the work of a man, |
his work, still to benefit others.
The man who owns this land pays
taxes thereon. The man who owns
the plow, the cattle, pays taxes on j
them. He pays taxes on all he has, on j
all he raises, on all he has invested, i
And he must do so year after year. ;
We will tell you.
School taxes, that his children may
Road taxes, that the roads may be
kept in order.
Town taxes, that the taxes of.
the district may be collected and right- ;
County taxes, that the courts, sher- j
ill's, jurors, and county officers may he j
State taxes, for like purposes.
The man, the cattle, the plow pays
thetaxes. That plow isof use. If all
the plow sln thp land should be ex
empt from work for five years!—
Would not the man and the cattle re
But hold on—how would the man,
his family, his cattle live? And how
would the workmen everywhere live?
And how the weeds would grow o
ver their fields.
And who would, who could pay the
taxes when the plow rested in rust
and idleness hidden away in some shed
or cellar ?
God speed you, plough and plow
man. And man care for you, plow
and plowman. And protect you, as
you make the wild into a garden, give
employment and reward therefor, for
the benefit of the people and country.
Now, then— get up !
And the cattle pull, the plowman
manages, lifts, twists, and settles down
to the handles. The eyes of the beast
and man protrude from their sockets
—the muscles of man and beast swell
and stretch—the plow point is fast jn
something,"and there is a bad break
in the furrow.
What is the cause? A root—a stump
—it stone—a rock i
Only an iron box—a fire proof safe.
Handle it with care—the Government
stamp is thereon, and you muat not
break, mar, cancel or repudiate it.
The iron box is full of bonds,
All nicely printed and folded.
These bonds are hidden away to es
cape taxation. One of them earns
more than ten plows, but it is not tax
The plow earns wheat.
The bond earns gold.
The plow pays taxes.
The bond does not.
The plow earns gold to drop into the
iron box, in the shape of taxes.
And the man who bought the plow
paid all it was worth, and each year
lessens its value.
The man bought the bond paid half
its worth, and it is increasing in value
Who owns the bond ?
The man who just rode by in his
Who owns the plow ?
The man who is working with it to
support his family—who works while
the other rides.
The plow earns.
The bond earns.
The plow is taxed.
The bond is not.
The plow fears the heat, the fly, the
rust—the wet may keep back the re
The bond fears nothing, for if the
i plow does not earn the interest the
| bond calls for, the cattle are sold and
dropped into the iron box.
The farmer is taxed on Jail he has j
—the iron box full of bonds pay no
The farmer supports the man who
owns the bonds, which are but notes
he must pay.
And the plows are everywhere.
The bonds are everywhere.
How came the plow s in the fields?
Men placed them there to do a great
How came the bonds there?
When the people were fighting and !
the plow idle in the furrow, those who j
dare not fight dug holes and hid their j
boxes. The Government filled them j
with bonds, and placed stamps of ex
The bondholder planted bonds, and
his crop of gold is certain.
The farmer planted sons .on battle
fields—be now works to enrich the
ones who own the Government, the
bonds, .he plow, the land, the farmer
and the muscle of America every
The plow and the bond.
We like the one and the man who
We hate the other as we hate any
one or any government that robs labor
of its reward.— JV. Y. Democrat.
XAKH TWAIN IN IIAYTI.
Arrived at my hotel, I asked the
small colored boy what I owed him
for carrying my valise.
"Nine hun'd dollars, sah."
Wheu I came to, a number of people
were about me, applying restoratives,
and doing what else they could to help
me. The soulless, colored boy was
standing there, cold and serene.
"How much did you say, boy?"
"Nine hund'd dollars, sah, reg-lar
I appealed to the bystanders for pro- j
tection. An ohl gentleman of noble
countenance and commanding pres- 1
eoce said the boy was right—he was |
charging only the usual rate. I look
ed at the other faces. They all mutely j
endorsed the venerable conspirator's j
L sadly handed the boy a thousand j
dollar bill. He walked off.
I was stupefied with amazement.—
"Gentlemen," I said, "what does this
mean? Theae's a hundred dollars I
change coming to me."
"True," the old party said ' hut it is j
not the custom to regard a trifle like
Stunned and dizzy, I hurried to my
room and threw myself on the bed, al
most satisfied that I had lost my reas
on. I applied tests. I repeated the
multiplication table without a mistake.
It was plain my comprehension of
numbers was unimpaired. I repeated
"The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck"
without a blunder. It was plain my i
memory was sound. I read one of
Mrs. Browning's poems, and clearly '
understood some of it. It was plain
that my intellectual faculties were in a
condition of even unusual vigor.— j
Then, what in the world was the mat
ter? Had I not suddenly developed
a monomania? a eraziness about mon
ey only ?
I wandered round the town for three
hours, as crazy as a loon—perfectly
desperate. It was plain enough to me
now that I had gone crazy on the sub
ject of money. How I had ever come
to do such a thing is a mystery, for I
had always been a sort of spendthrift,
a man who had never worshipped
gold or greenbacks to any alarming
extent. But 1 was reluctant to accept
the situation, anyhow, and so I said
to myself that by this time Charley
must have bought all the things wo
wanted, and got the bills to the hotel.
1 would go and pay them. I would
see if this dismal hallucination was in
force. When I arrived, I told the
landlord to make out his bill and add
the tradesmen's hill to it, and give it
to me as quickly as possible. 1 sat
down to wait—a smothering volcano
of anxiety and impatience—for if my
mind was not straight by this time, I
dreaded that my madness might in
crease under my distress and drive me
to commit some fearful crime. I shud
dered presently when I thought 1 felt
a desire creeping through me to spring
on a deerept old man near me and
throttle him. I moved away and
turned my back, and then I covertly
threw my pocket knife out ot the win
dow. Now the bill came. I read
Mark Twain to Kingston House Dr.
To room rent (two persons) $3,000
To removing baggage to room 900
To tradesmen's bills as follows :
5 Bunches Bananas $2,700
12 Pine Apples 2,000
10 Dozen Oranges 9t)o
5 Boxes Cigar* 92,000
2 Baskets Claret 22,000
2 Baskets Champagne..... 83,000
7 Dozen Lemons 800
1 Pair 800t5.,.,,, 21,000
1 Dozen Socks ~,18,500
2 Dozen Handkerchiefs 43,00()
Two hundred and ninety-five thous
and four hundred dollars. I read this
bill over deliberately six or seven
times, and never said a word. Then I
said I would step oqt and get a breath
of tYesh air.
1 got it—the breath of fresh air. I
walked gently around the corner,
whistling unconcernedly. And then
glanced back, and seeing nobody
watching me, sauntered toward the
| American packet ship at the rate of
j about ten or eleven miles an hour.—
I picked up Charley on the way. He
hid between decks a couple of hours,
till the vessel was out of the sight of
land, and tho cigars and things—the
landlord had them. I trust he has
: thein yet. We have parted to meet
ino more. I have seen enough of Hay-
ti. I never did take much interest in:
P. S.— I understand it all now. J
have been talking with the Captain. |
It's very simple when one eomprc- j
bends it. The fact is, the war has j
been raging so long that Haytien cred- ,
it is about dead, and the treasury very I
dry. Therefore one dollar in gold will
buy eighteen hundred to two thousand
dollars worth of Haytien greenbacks,
according to the tenor of the current
war news. I wish I hail my valise
back. — Buffalo Express.
HOW Til BY COURT DOWN EAST.
Sally, the housemaid, paring apples
iu the corner. Enter Obadiah, who
seats himself in the corner opposite
Sally, without saying a word for fif
teen minutes, but finally scratching
his head, breaks the silence with—
Obadiah—"There's a considerable
imperceptible alterin' in the weather
since last week."
Sally—"Taint so injudicious and so
dubitableeold as it was; thernomi
con has lowered up to one hundred
degrees higher than zenith.
Obadiah —"I think it's likely, for
the birds of that specis fly a great deal
higher in warmer days than cold ones."
Both parties assume a grave and im
proving look, and a long pause ensues.
Finally, Obadiah gives his pate anoth
er harrow ing scratch and again breaks
the silence with—
Obadiah—"Well, Sally, we chaps
are going to raise a sleigh ride; it's
such iiiimicle good sleddin' to-mor
row. I suppose they'll have insatiate
good times on it. I should be supenial
happy if you would disgrace me with
your company. I should take it as a
deropidary honor; besides we're ear
culatin' to treat the gals well with ra
sins and black strap."
Sally—"l should l>e supernatural glad
to disgrace you, but our folks suspect
company. I can't g(."
Obadiah sits a while, and at length
starts up as though a new idea had
come upon him.
Obadiah—"Well, now, I know what
I'll do. I'll go home and thrash out
those beans what have been lying down
in the barn such a darned long while."
VUTERUS WARD'S SPIIUTOMETEK.
Dolly Davenport, whose lives are as
numerous as his friends, tells a good
joke on himself, which occurred in
England during the time that the late
Chas. F. Browne (Artemus Ward),
was delivering his facetious lectures in
Upon arriving in the English capi
tal, Dolly's first care was to pay a visit
to his friend Artemus, and was met at
the door byabuxum lass, who asked
him in her hruadesfc cockney accent
for his card. Dolly, having forgotten
his name at home, substituted a six
pense, which, with magical effect,
showed him to the door of Artemus'
room. Artemus was engaged in shav
ing, and turning around to see who
the intruder was he dropped razor,
[taper and everything else. His face
assumed an aspect of terror, and he
commenced crouching around the
room, hugging the wall, until he
reached a huge trunk in the corner,
and, without saying a word to Dolly,
he pulled out a bottle of the "cratur"
which he, with the same expression
of fright, placed on the center of the ta
ble, and retreated to his corner. Dolly
walked up to the table, and raising the
stuff to his lips, took a hearty swig.
A shriek of joy came from Artemus,
who, with open arms, rushed toward
Dolly, and embracing him,exclaimed:
"I heard you were dead, hut now 1
know it's a lie " The test had work
CRAWLED UP.— Once upon a time a
gentleman found in his hen roost a sim
ple-minded soul of the vicinity, who
lived without visible means of sup
"What are you doing here, you ras
cal ? Stealing my chickens ?"
"No, sir" was the response; "I
ain't thought of doing nothing of the
It unfortunately happened that the
simple minded individual wore a high
straw hat, of the deminsions of a bee
hive, and the crown thereof was dilap
idated to a serious extent. Just as he
had put in his denial, the head of a
half grown pullet was seen to protrude
f rom the aperature,
"See there," said the gentleman ;
"how did the chicken get in your
"Well!" exclaimed the simple min
ded individual, with an air of honest
surprise and embarrassment, "that is
the strangest thing that ever happen
ed tome. I suppose the darned crit
ter must have crawled up my trow
EXTREME DELICACY. —"Is there
any thing the matter?"
"There is, sir," was the host's savage
"Have I given any offence?"
"You have, sir."
"Really, I am ignorant of it."
"Well sir let me tell you such lan
guage don't suit here."
"My dear, sir, what language? We
were only talking of soup!"
"Well, sir, but you said ox-tail I"
"Well, suppose I did?"
"Why, sir, it's that very word that
sent all the ladies blushing out of the
room—it's highly unbecoming lan
guage—very improper indeed!"
"But my dear sir, what would you
have me say? I called the soup by its
proper name, didn't 1?"
"No, sir, you did not; and whenev
er you have occasion to speak of that
partieular soup again, never say Oar
fail soup ! Say Fty-disperser soup I
that's the proper word, sir."
VOL. 65.---WHOLE No. 3,347.
What kind of sweetmeats did they
have in the ark ? Preserved pairs.
'I despise mankind,'said an arrogant
fellow to a clergyman. 'I see you
have studied your own nature deeply,'
was the quiet reply.
'"Lenny, you're a pig," said a father
to his little five-year old boy. "Now,
do you know what a pig is, Lenny?"
"Yes, sir; a pig is a hog's little
A lady cought her husband break
ing her hoops. Two hours afterwards,
the unfortunate man was seen at a drug
store purchasing hair restorative.
"Mother, I'm afraid a fever would
go hard with me." "Why, my son?"
"Cause, you see, mother, I'm so small
that there wouldn't be room for it to
"My wife,"said a wag the other day,
"came near calling me honey, last
"Indeed! how was that?"
"Why, she called me old beeswax."
"Oh, my prophetic soul! my uncle!"
Beecher is prophesyinga new rebellion
and a division of the Union into four
pieces. We hope neither Henry Ward
nor Ma'am Stowe will come on our
BAKEIJ APPLE DUMPLINGS.—Se
lect smooth, even-sized apples; peel,
core them, and till the cavities with
sugar and a little cinnamon. Divide
your paste into as many parts as you
have apples. Roll each one out square,
and inclose the apple in it, slightly
wetting the edge to make it stick.
Bake in a shallow pan, and eat with a
dry sauce made of butter and sugar
Another instance of Massachusetts
morality appears in a case in Court, in
which two men swapped wives, and,
as no divorces had been procured the
men were each married to two wives;
the women to two husbands.
A lady out with her little hoy and
girl, bought the hoy a rubber baloon,
which escaped him and flew up in the
air. The girl seeing tears in his eyes,
said. "Never mind it, Neddy; when
you die and go tp heaven you'll dit
"Kitty, where's the frying pan?"
1 Johny's got it carrying dirt and oys
ter shells up the alley, with the cat for
a horse." "The dear little fellow !
what a genius he'll yet make; but go
and get it. We're going to have com
pany, and must fry some fish for sup
People who are resolved always to
please, at all events, frequently over
shoot the mark. A lady of this sort,
going to a friend's house, one morn
ing, ran to the cradle, as soon as she
came in, to see the fine 'boy.' Unfor
tunately the eat was occupying the ba
by's place, but before she could discov
er her mistake, she exclaimed, with
uplifted hands, "Oh, what a sweet
ohild, the very picture of its father."
A few days ago a gentleman whose
proboscis had been lost, was invited
out to tea. "My dear," said the good
lady of the house to her little daught
er, "I want you to be very particular,
and to make no remarks about Mr.
Jenkins' nose." Gathered around the
table everything was going on well;
the child peeped about, looked rather
puzzeld, and at last startled the table:
"Ma, why did you tell me to say
nothing about Mr. Jenkins' nose; he
hasen't got any!"
A young lawyer was examining a
bankrupt as to how he had spent his
money. There were about two thous-s
and dollars unaccounted for, when the
attorney put on JL severe, scrutinizing
face, and exclaimed with much self
complacency, "Now, sir, I want you
to tell this court and jury how you
used those two thousand dollars?"
The bankrupt put on a serio-comic
face, winked at the audience and ex
claimed, "The lawyers got that !"-
The judge and audieuce were convul
sed with laughter, and the counselor
was glad to let the bankrupt go.
INTERESTING TO HUSBANDS AND
WIDOWS.—An interesting ease has
just been decided by the Supreme
Court of Ohio. A husband died and
willed all his property to his wife so
long as she remained a widow. IN
case of her contracting a marriage, the
property was to revert to the children.
She did marry, and brought suit !0
recover her dowry. The Court decid
ed that her acceptance ot the conditions
imposed by the will was a bar to any
turther claims. She therefore cannot
live with her second husband and
draw her support from the first. Wid
ows will take a note, and, contest such
wills in season if they are not quite
sure that their love is undying, and a
life of widow-hood is there choice.
STANDING BY A FRIEND.—In the
flush times of Vicksburg, when the
! phrase "hard case" meant something
more than it does now, Harvey Jenk
ins was admittedly one of the hardest.
By somestrangeaccident Harvey found
himself at church one evening. The
sermon being over, the preacher re
quested all who were friendly to re
ligion to rise and hold up their hands.
The whole audience apparently were
on their feet. After they were seated
the minister continued:
"Now if there is a single one hero
who desires to see Satin and his king
dom prosper, he will rise and hold up
his right hand."
Harvey, with some difficulty, got
to an erect position, and said :
"Had the vote been less unanimous, I
should have retained my .seat; but I
make it a point of honor never to a
bandon a friend under adverse circum