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A I, AY or TUB OLDEN TIME.
One morning of the first Bad tall,
Poor Adam and bis bride
Sat in the shade of Eden's wall- ■
But on the outer side.
She, blushing in her fig-leaf suit
For the chaste garb of old ;
He, sighing o'er its bitter ftuit
For Eden's grapes of gold.
Behind them, smiling in the morn,
Their forfeit garden lay ;
Before them, wild with rock and thorn,
The desert stretched away.
They heard the air above them fanned,
A light step on the sward,
And lo ! they saw belore thee; stand
The angel of the Lord 1
"Arise," he said, "why look behind,
When hope is all before,
And patient hand and willing mind,
Your loss may yet restore '
"I leave with you a spell whose power
Can make the desert glad.
And call around you fruit and flower
As fair as Edne had.
"I clothe your hands with power to lift
The eurse from off your soil ;
Your very doom shall seem a gift—
Your loss a gain through toil.
"Go! cheerful as yon humming-bees,
To labor as to play''
While glimmering over Eden's trees,
The angel passed away.
The pilgrims of the world went forth
Obedient to the word,
And found where'er they tilled the earth.
A garden of the Lord !
The thorn tree cast its evil fruit
And blushed with plum and pear,
And seeded grass and tr->dden root
Grew sweet beneath their care
We share our primal parents' fate,
And in our turn and day
Look back on Eden's sworded gate
As sad and lost as they.
But still ft r us hi 3 native skies
The pitying angel leaves,
And leads through toil to Paradise
New Adams and new Eves.
Whittier.
TIIK SOUTH AS IT IS.
HY PARKER PILLBBURY.
WASHINGTON, D. C., Oct. 1869.
To the Editor of the Independent: All
who travel in the southern states since
the war, can learn lessons, if they will,
unknown to them before. Many have
reported their impressions to you al
ready; but all is not yet told. lam
afraid the worst is yet unknown. In
deed, I think the north knows less of
the actual south to-day than of almost
any other portion of the globe. Repub
licanism bears rule there, and reports
itself to please itself. Counter authori
ties, especially from democratic sources,
are cast aside as un worthy of confidence,
as no doubt they often are. But it is time
one thing was told, and believed, too,
everywhere; and that is that recon
struction, so far, is a failure. It is a
bad failure. From the sole of its foot
to its head, if it have any head, there
is no soundness in it, none whatever.
It began where it should have left off,
with political organizations, with suf
frage and sovereignty, when the first
lessons in civilization had not been
learned, had not been, and have not
yet been taught. But party suprema
cy required the measure, and it was a
dopted, against all the dictates of gen
uine statesmanship, as well us the de
mands of justice and humanity. And
hence its failure, as could not but have
been expected.
Neither political party understood
the situation during the war of rebell
ion. Neither party understands it to
day. Slavery was not abolished by the
abolitionists. Still less was it abolish
ed by the republican party. In spirit
and power it survives even the war,
with all its woes. Likeeverythingelse
at the south, it is a ruin ; but it is there.
Both master and slave are there; and
more at war than ever before. And so
far the northern element infused be
tween them, instead of reconciling, has
only made matters worse. The north
ern republican bates the master, but
does not love the slave. The north nev
er loved the negro race better than did
the south. It did not abolish the slave
system in form for the sake of the vic
tims, nor at all untildriven to the mea
sure by the stern exigency of military
necessity for self-preservation. So far
as any of justice and humanity
were ever it was manifest e
nough that th? repuM'can party would
have continued s'avery until this day,
and unto judgment day, no * , e
preservation of the nationality lr'Z\ nen "
ously ordered and compelled otherwise!
Year after year the south fought for sla
very, without Union ; the north fought
for the Union, regardless of slavery—
for a "Union with slaveholders."
And now the republican party needs
the black man's ballot at the south, and
is using it for its own preservation, as
his bayonet and bullet were used for
the national salvation. And he is fast
finding it out. Even in his low estate
he is learning who are not his friends.
And his estate is lower than even the
most extreme abolitionist ever descri
bed it. There is no tongue, no pen, no
language to describe what slavery must
have been, judged even by the gloomy
shadows of it which survive. I would
that Mr. Garrison and Wendell Phil
lips could spend one month in the cot
ton fields and rice swamps of the Car
olinas and Georgia. I have seen only
the Atlantic states; but these are the
best, not the worst. They would soon
see that suffrage is not the one thing
needful for the emancipated slaves,
inen nor women, however it, might
have been for the interests of a party ;
and, above all things, unless that suf
frage were directed by a far other than
the present order of politicians there.
For it must be said that far the larger
part of the northern men at the south
have partaken in the general moral and
political corruption that ruled there so
long. That ruled until the present ruin
BEDFORD, PA., THURSDAY MORNING DECEMBER 9, 1869.
followed. Many have undertaken to
cultivate the kinds by hiring the former
slaves and paying them wages. Hut in
nine instances out of every ten they
have failed altogether, though paying
wages on which it is hardly possible
the laborers can live without begging
or stealing, both of which are practiced
there to a frightful extent. Almost ev
ery man who employs any considera
ble number of hands keeps a little store
of cheap groceries and provisions, and
pays them out of it. And usually the
week's work is all taken up, so that
scarcely one in a hundred can improve
his condition under t his order of things.
I saw gang after gang paid otr at
night, sometimes fifty or sixty at a
time, and not five dollars in money was
paid to the whole of themf For corn
they allowed fifty cents a peck;; for ba
con which you and I would not eat
at any price, they gave twenty five
cents a pound, and the prices of labor
varied from half a dollar to a dollar a
day. I have seen sturdy, healthy
young fellows, of twenty and upward,
working for two dollars a week and
boarding themselves. I saw women
doing days' works that not a white
man in New England or New York
could do at any price, for seventy
five cents a day, all paid in goods (or
Oath,) groceries and provisions. Some
of these stores keep very decent arti
cles, but not all. Most of tbem that I
have seen kept whisky In a barrel on
tap—called whisky by courtesy, but
generally, 1 am assured, a compound
of abominations fit only to transform
the dupes who swallow it into demons.
And, strange as it may seem, not one
colored person in a thousand will re
fuse It, old or young, male or female;
though in slavery, I am told—indeed,
was always told—that drunkenness was ■
not a prevailing vice. Probably the
restraints of masterhood had much to
do with it. The whisky is usually
drank raw and reeking from the bar. :
rel, without sugar and with very little
if any water, which some of the drink
ers said, only drowned it. I have
seen mothers 'pour it thus down the
throats of six months babes, men, wo
men,children, and thestorekeeper look- !
ingot) without remark. The principal
diet of the plantation people is coarse
hominy and bacon, the latter, fortun
ately, though detuned a luxury, in but I
small quantities. And out of the eil- |
ies, I have often been told, the same j
diet serves nearly all the white peo- !
pie also. I have heard of "hog and ■
hominy" as a southern bill of fare com- j
plete a long time ago, but had no idea ]
how literal or how general was its ap
plication.
The old slave-quarters, unrepaired, ;
are still the colored people's homes. — j
Among all their houses in the ru- .
ral distiicts, I have not seen one ,
pane of glass; not one set of crockery,
earthen or ironware, beyond a rude ;
and often broken pot, with iron or tin
spoons that certainly were never made j
lighter by scouring; scarcely any j
chairs or tables but of home inanufac- j
ture; and not one decent bed in any
cabin —not one! Some of the women
were rather tidily dressed, as I have !
seen then ; and on Sundays, I am told, ;
they appear quite well. Hut mar.y of |
the men might defy all the scarecrows
of a thousand cornfields. Some of *:he j
infants I have seen were entirely na- j
ked, and boys of at least a dozen years J
wore but a single garment; anil that i
only a scanty apolc gy in length,
breadth or thickness. And at least four i
kinds of vermin, smaller than rats and j
mice, infest many a human bed, its I
coarse covering or its occupants, or all i
together. Ask the union soldiers who
survived the campaigns of the south
ern states whether this be exaggeration,
The most prosperous and promis
ing freed man I have seen lives on one
of the sea glands. He bad ten acres
of cot ton, nine of corn, three of beans,
with plenty of potatoes, had harvested
fifty bushels of excellent rice, kept a
horse, a mule, two cows, with pigs and
poultry on all sides of his house (iuside
not excepted, as far as poultry was
concerned); and yet with the exception
of one plain but cabinet made rocking
cliair, and one glass goblet, carefully
kept wrapped in a clean sheet of straw
paper, and brought out to give me and
my friends a drink of water, the fur
nishing of the house did not differ
materially from those I have described.
We were treated to roasted sweet pota
toes, which an old grandmother pawed
out of the hot ashes with her hands,
and replaced with others which she
covered in the same independent way,
no shovel nor tongs ever being used,
seen or known.
drunkenness is not confined to class
or color in any of t' ie states I have
seen. Many say that •"'♦•be nigger and
the Indian have natural.tastes and ten
dencies for stimulants." Hut with the
former it would be safe to attribute it
to his imitative nature or disposition,
coming as he necessarily does, into too
close contact with the whites. I cer
tainly uever saw such need of temper
ance reform before, anywhere under
heaven. I well remember the drink
ing habits of New England long beforo
the thundering eloquence of the old
Dr. Heecher (sire of many sons) was
denouncing every grog-shop and bar
room as "a breathing hole of hell !"
Hut never have I seen such wasting
ravages, by drunkenness, of a moral and
a spiritual wealth, as here, now at full
four o'clock of the nineteenth century.
The calm appeal of a Father Mathew,
and the glowing, fiery zeal of a John
B. Gough are needed in every election
district throughout the southern states.
Downright drunkenness cannot be said
to be an omnipresence, but habitual
and destructive drinking is. Those
who do not drink themselves (of whom
alas! there are but few,) furnish it for
their friends, patrons, customers, and
especially on election occasions to their
supporlere—too often it delugesand tor
rents. No class of politicians from the
north orsouthjCan plead exemption from
this fearful charge. Young men and
old men, who perhaps never tasted ar
dent spirits in their lives before going
to the south, now drink the horrible
beverages here concocted, habitually,
and many of them to fearful excess.
And, worse still, will provide them for
the poor besotted colored people when
ever votes, better bargains, or better
work or more of it can be had there
by.
Private virtue among public men is
net looked for, nor expected, not even
desired And this is as true, here in
Washington as farther south or farther
north. I have seen aldermen when
sitting at the city council board so
drunk as that they had to be removed
by the police before business could pro
ceed. I have seen aldermen and coun
•ilmen who could notonly neither write
nor read but who exhibited little capaci
ty for public business, even when sober.
And only yesterday I read in a news
paper an account, by an eye witness,
of a judge in Abbeville, down in South
Carolina, on the bench so drunk as that
he had to bo taken home by his friends
and the court adjourned. The clerk,
it was added, was about as drunk as
the judge. Whoever travels through
the south with eyes and ears open will
have no difficulty in believing all this
and more, were it needful to be told.
And it is absolutely needful that it
should be told and published througli
the country, if we would save our na
tion from the doom of Sodom and Go
morrah.
A majority of the legislature of
South Carolina are colored men, and
many of them can neither write nor
read. But several of tlieir very best
friends assured me, they should never
support such again for the sake of the
colored raeo itself—not even to save
the state from the democratic party.
Such burlesque on the very name of
government, they declared, was never
before seen. I have witnessed enough
myself to easily understand that it
must be so. At the opening of the
session, colored votes were easily
bought at five dollars, though later
they rose on their price. One shrewd
Yankee from Massachusetts, not a
member, but who had some schemes
to lobby through the legislature, car
ried to the capital some rases of new
bats ; and with them as a legal tender
drove quite a spirited <uid successful
business. Bad examples for white
northern republicans tQ set before a
people just emerging fr&m the darkest
degradation,, and crueh-st, bloodiest
bondage and oppression that ever
scourged the human race! With all
the frightful realities of their past his
tory still crushing them down, with
the withering prejudice against their
color still raging around them on every
hand and with such examples contin
ually set before them by those whom
they not only regard as the superior
race, but have been told a thousand
times are their best and only friends—
what wonder that they are not to-day
many of them one degree higher in
the scale of mortal being than when
theirfreedom was first proclaimed!
To me It seemsabsolutoiy complimentr
ary to human nature that they have
done no worse.
It is often said at the north,and in the
south as well, that what is most need
ed hero is capital. This is not true.
JWhat the south needs most is men and
women. Not adventurers, mere plun
derers, as so many are who have gone
there since the war, seeking whom and
w'tat tiiey may devour —ravenous
beasts,who only go forth to seek
their prey, intending to go back to
their native northern dens to ri
ot on and enjoy it afterwards. The
south needs intelligent men and wo
men, of industrious, virtuous and
thriving habits, who will go there and
identify themselves with the south, to
share her fortunes for better, for worse
—men who shall regard the colored
man for more than his vote, and the
colored woman for more than her vir
tue, and both as important to them
only as they ran in some way subserve
their own interest, convenience and
pleasure, with no thought whatever as
to what should be the fate of their vic
tims. Formerly at the south few la
bored except slaves and free colored
people. That the native southerner
should hold to his own idea and habit
of idleness is not strange. But almost
every northern man who comes at once
contracts the same. Very few white
men intend to work here, any more
than did the slaveholders fifty years
ago. Labor is about as disreputable
as ever. And northern men are to-day
all through the southern Atlantic
states deluding or driving the colored
people into working for them at prices
or conditions that would be deemed
downright insult if proffered to any
good working man in New England.
The old slaveholders have dreams
and schemes in plenty of Coolies, Chi
n tmen, Japanese, and even Germans,
who are to do their dirty drudgery
and all tlieir manual labor, as "house
servants" and "field hands" (terms
still extant here), at prices which must
border on actual and perpetual starva
tion.
Almost the whole solicitude and
talk among the idle classes is of cheap
labor, cheap labor ; as if the eurse of
the Eternal God had not been blasting
such cheap labor from the days of E
gypt's Pharaohs to the Pharaohs and
would-be Pharaohs of America, forty
centuries afterward.
Carpet-bagger is not wholly an in
vidious designation here. Most north
ern men whom I have seen are here
but to fill their pockets as speedily as
possible by such means as offer—some
as planters, but more as politician-',
and a low order, many of them, too.
The young western emigrant who
wrote back to his father, a disappoint
ed office-seeker in Vermont, to come
to the west, and urged as a reason that
"most almighty mean men could get
into office," would find good ground
for such argument all through the
southern slates. With such resources
as the north is now furnishing the
south in great measure, her last state
must inevitably be worse than the
first.
There are two elements in action at
the south of which I have not yet spo
ken—her churches and her schools. Of
the former I have only to say that for
almost a hundred years, they defended
and practiced slaveholding, with all its
heathenism, cruelty and bestiality;
seeking their arguments in the Old
Testament, the New Testament, and
the Apocrypha to boot; separating, by
ssile, husbandsand wives, who were al
so members of the same church, and
justifying it on the ground, as they
said and published, "that such separa
tion is civilly a separation by death,
and we believe that iu the sight of
God it will be so viewed!" All this,
and more and worse, the churches did,
and sanctioned, and sanctified, And
so far as I cqn see they are still just
the same churches in form, spirit, and
power, and just as disastrous in their
influence as ever before; and so noth
ing good can be expected of them.
THE MB'TERFI AND THE EAT#.
Two Arkansas lawyers were domes
ticated in the rude hotel of a country
town. The hotel was crowded, and
the room allotted to our ty/q heroes
was also occupied by six or eight oth
ers. Shake down beds, enough to ac
commodate the guests, were disposed
about the room, against the four walls,
leaving an open space in the centre of
the apartment,
Judge Clark lay with his head to the
north, on one side, and Judge Thomas
lay with his Head to the south, on the
other side of the room. So far as that
rootp \va-s concerned, it might be said
that their heads represented the north
and south poles, respectively.
All the other beds in the room were
occupied. The ceqtral part of the j
room was deemed neutral ground j
in which the occupants of the differ- j
ent beds had equal rights. Here, in
picturesque confusion, lay the boots,
hats, coats and breeches of the sleep
ers. There were no windows, and
though the door was open, there being
no moon, the night was very dark in
that room.
The wily lawyers, who had been op
posing counsel in a case tried iu the
town court that day> and had opposed
each other with the contumacity of
wild pigs, were now the very incarna
tions of meekness, for when the hun
gry swarm of mosquitoes settled down
and bit them ou the one cheek, they
slowly turned the Gth r to be bitten
also.
But hush! hark !
A deep sound strikes the ear like a
rising knell.
"Me-ow-ow 1"
Judges Clark and Thomas were
wide awake, and sitting bolt upright
iu an instant.
Again the startling cry:
"Ye-ow, ye-ow!"
"There's a d d cat" whispered
Clark.
"Scat, you!" hissed Thomas.
Cat paid no attention to these de
monstrations, but gave vent to anoth
er howl.
"Qh, Lord 5" cried Clark, "J can't
stand this ! Where is she, Thomas ?"
"On your side of the room some
where," replied Thomas.
"No, ;he is on your side," said Clark,
"Ye-ow-ow-ow !"
"There, I told you she was on your j
side,'' they exclaimed in one breath.
And still the "yowl" went on.
The idea now entered the head of
both the lawyers, that by the exercise
of certain strategy they might be en
abled to execute a certain flank move
ment on the cat, and totally demoral
ize him. Practically each determined
to file "a motion to quash" the cat's
attachment for that room.
Each kept the plan to himself, and
in the dark, unable to see each other,
prepared for action.
Strange as It may appear, It is nev
ertheless true, that the same plan sug
gested itself to both. In words, the
plan was about as follows :
The yowler is evidently looking and
calling for another cat with whom he
has made an appointment. I will im
itate a rat, and this cat will think
t'other cat's around. This cat will
come toward me, and when he shall be
in reach, I'll blaze away with any
thing I can get hold of, and knock the
mew-sic out of him.
So each of the portly judges, noise
lessly as cream conies to the surface of
the milk, hoisted himself onto his
hands and knees, hippopotamus fash
ion, and advanced to the neutral
ground occupying the central part of
the room.
Arrriving there, Judge Clark selec
ted a boot-jack, and Judge Thomas a
heavy cow-hide boot, from the head,
and settled themselves down to the
work.
Clark tightened his grip on the boot
jack, throwing up his head, gave vent
to a prolonged and unearthly "Ye-ow
ow!" that would have reflected credit
upon ten of the largest kind of rats.
"Aha," thought Thomas, who was
not six feet away, "he's immediately
close around. Now I'll inveigle him 1"
and he gave the regular dark night
call of a feminine eat.
Each of the judges now advanced a
little closer, and Clark produced a ques
tioning, "Ow-ow J"
Thomas answered by a re-assuring
"Pur-ow ! pur-ow!"and they advan
ced a little more.
They were now within easy reach,
and each imagining the cat had but a
moment more to live, whaled away,
the one with his boot, the other with
his boot-jack.
The boot took Clark square in the
month, demolishing his teeth, ssnd the
I boot-jack came down on Thomas' bald
head just as he was in the midst of a
triumphant "Ye-ow !"
When lights were brought the cat
had disapeared, but the catastrophe
was in opposite corners of the room,
with heels in the air, swearing blue
streaks.
THE CHRISTIAN OEHTLBMAS.
A distinguished writer, in one of his
books, thus describes the Christian
gentleman:
He is above a mean thing.
He cannot stoop to do a mean fraud.
He evades no secret in the keeping
of another; he betrays no secret con- ;
fided to his own keeping. :
He never struts in borrowed plum
age.
He never takes selfish advantage of
our mistakes.
He uses no ignoble weapons in con
troversy.
He never stabs in the dark.
He is ashamed of innuendoes.
He treats all persons alike, and al
ways as equals.
He is not one thing to a man's face
and another behind his back.
If by accident he comes into posses
sion of his neighbor's counsels, he pas
ses upon them an act of instant obliv
ion.
lie bears sealed packages without
tampering with the wax.
Papers not meant for his eye, wheth
er they flutter at the wififlow or lie o
pen before him in unguarded exposure,
are sacred to him.
He invades no privacy of others,
however the sentry sleeps.
Bolts and bars, locks and keys, pick
ets and hedges, bonds and securities
are not for him.
He may be trusted out of sight, near
the thinnest partition, anywhere.
He buys no offices, he sells none, in
trigues for none,
He would rather fail of heights than
win thepn by dishonor.
He will eat honest bread.
He insults no man.
He loves his home, and delights to
make all around him happy.
He will not treat any living thing
with cruelty.
If he have rebuke for another, he is
straight forward, open, manly.
In short, whetever he judges honor
able he practices toward every man.
- XOTHINO l.\ TIE PAPER."
An exchange has the tollowing spi
cy chapter on the subject of newspa
pers elicited by toe stereotyped re
mark of inditferept readers, after
scanning the "miniature world" of a
daily issue of news, that there is noth
ing in the paper. It says •
Some are always grumbling about
their papers, and insinuating how
much better they could do it. They
talk as flippantly about "tine articles"
on every imaginable subject as if they
could effect such a change. Let some
of those overflowing philosophers try
it for one hundred and fifty days in
succession.
And then they think it is nothing to
"select" for a newspaper—you have
merely to run the scissors through a
half a dozen exchanges and you have
got matter enough. Now this is the
most important and difficult depart
ment to fill on a newspaper. Very
few men have the slightest idea how
the work is done. It requires a thor
ough newspaper man—who knows the
public appetite well—who knows what
is going on in the world—and who
knows how to rewrite and pack a col
umn into a dozen lines
Men who ran skim a newspaper and
toss it aside, little reflect how much
brains and toil are expended in ser
ving up that meal. Busy heads and
busy hands have been toiling all day
fo gather and prepare those viands,
and some vast building has been lit
from garot to eeller all night to get
the paper ready by the crack of dawn.
"Nothing in the paper !" Nothing
in your head ! that's what's the mat
ter.
Judge Howling, of New York, ioves
a practical joke. The other day a man
was before him charged with whipping
his wife.
"How came he to beat you?" asked
Judge Dowling.
'• Underneath where we live, at No,
470 Great street, there is a dancing
house," explained his wife. "I was
told my husband was there, and I J
took a woman with me and we went
and looked in."
"Was your husband there?" pursu
ed the Judge.
"Yes, sir."
"Dancing?"
"Yes, sir."
*'Did you go inside?"
"No, sir, but my husband saw me,
and soon came up to our room, when
he beat me and smashed the furni
ture."
"It was not a proper place for her to
go," spoke up the husband.
"It was a proper place for you I
suppose?"
"Any place is proper for men."
"Do you really think so?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, then, I'll send you to the
penitentiary for three months."
Brick Pomeroy says: "The editor
of the Tribune takes his defeat as a
blind pig takes Its milk, without a
grunt or a squeal. We like Horace.
God didn't make that noble head of
his for nothing. The Democratic ma
jority that rained down upon him in
this city didn't startle him a wiuk—no
more than trickling molasses ever a
stove griddle or a warm rain would set
in a tremor the statue of Washington
at Union Square."
FOR CHAPPED HANDS.— Wash the
hands well, and, without using a tow
el, apply a small quantity of honey
and rub in well, Use once a day, and
it will make the hands very soft, and
cure aa well as prevent chapped hands.
VOL. 65.—WHOLE No. 3,346.
HIXOROLH.
Why are blushes like little girls?
because they become women.
Should your old acquaintances be for
got ?—Not if they have money.
Why is your nose in the middle of
your face ? Because it is the seen tor.
An ill-natured editor says ladies all
use paint, and he sets his face against
it.
A poor fellow who pawned his
watch said that he raised money with
a lever.
Mr. Quilp encourages lotteries on
grounds of fine arts—they learn people
to draw.
A "gentleman about town' 1 is one
who pays cash for everything except
his debts.
An Irishman, writing from the \yeat
to a friend, remarked: t'liork is so
plenty here that, every third man you
meet is a hog."
Love in the Indian language, is,
'Schiiolendamowitchewagin.' It must
be quite an undertaking to tellasquaw
that you love her.
"Won't you take half of tfyls poor
apple?" asked a pj-etty damsel. "No,
I thank you, I would prefer a better
half." Eliza blushed and referred him
to papa.
AT a parish examination a clergy
man asks a charity boy if he had ever
been baptized. "No, sir," is the rp
ply, "not as I knows of; but I've been
waxinated."
Everything was lately in readiness
for the marriage of a Cairo lady, but
the groom came not. After hours of
waiting, a dispatch was received
read: '''Have to wait tiil next week,
my wife has overhauled me."
It is a singular fact, and one not geu :
erally known, that Washington drew
his last breath in the last hour of the
last day of the last week in the last
month of the year, and in the last year
of the century. He died on Saturday
night, 12 o'clock, December 31st, 1799.
—J. !
At a recent funeral in New York
the band which attended the corpse
to the grave, played the lively tune of
"Up in a balloon," and on returning
from the cemetery played "When
Johnny comes Marching Home
gain,"
A farmer going to get his grist
ground at a mill, borrowed a bag ot
one of his neighbors. The poor man
was knocked into the water-wheel,
and the bag went with him. He was
drowned; and when the melancholy
news was brought to his wife, she ex
claimed, "My gracious! what a fuss
there'll be about that bag!"
At a railway station an old lady said
to a very pompous looking gentleman,
who was talking about steam cotmuM*
nieation, 'Dray, sir, what is steam
'Ste:im, ma'am, is—ah!—steam Is
steam. 'I know that chap couldn't tell
you,' said a rough looking fellow,
standing by; but steam is a bucket of
water in a tremendous perspiration,'
•My dear, what shall we nan eßub?'
"Why, husband, I have settled on the
name of Peter."
"Oh, don't," he replied, "I never
liked Peter, for he denied his master."
"Well, then," replied the wife,
"what name do you like?"
"i should like the name of Joseph."
"Oh, not that," replied she, "I can't
bear Joseph, for he denied his mis
tress,"
A little girl got to school in Dan
bury, Connecticut, the other morning
just as it commenced, and her teacher
said, "You are just In time, Susse."
Then, turning to the other scholars,
she asked, "In time for what chil
dren ?" A hand signified he bad soly
ed the problem. Thopaas,
just in time for what?" "Lanigan's
ball!" shouted the promising youtli.
A Good old Massachusetts doctor
met a sexton in the street one Jay.
After the usual salutations, the doctor
began to cough.
"Why, doctor," said the sexton, „
"you have got a cold. How long have
you had that ?"
"Look here, Mr. Sexton," said the
doctor, with a show of indignation,
"what is your charge of interment ?"
"One dollar," was the reply.
"Well, continued the doctor, "just
come into my office, and I will pay it.
I don't want to havp you around, sq
anxious about my health. 1
The sexton was even with him,
however, turning round to the doc
tor, he replied:
"Ah, doctor, I cannot afford to bury
you yet. Business has never been so
good as it has been since you begau to
practice."
"Bridget, what did the mistress say
she would have for dinner?"
"Broil the lobster."
"Broil the lobster! Are you sure,
Bridget ?"
"Entirely ; get the gridiron."
Mary got the gridiron and placed it
on the fire. She then placed the live
lobster on the gridiron. Intermission
of five miuutes, after which the dia
logue was resumed as follows:
"Did you broil that lobster, Mary ?"
"Dlvil the broil! The more I pok
ed the fire the more he walked off.
The baste's haunted; I'll try no more.
No good will come from cooking a
straddlebug like that."
"And where is the lobster?"
"Divil a bit 1 know! The last I saw
of hiin he was going out the back door
with his tail at half mast, like a wild
maniac that he was,"
Bridget started in pursuit of the
wild maniac and was still after him
when our informant left.