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BY MEYERS & MENGEL,
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JOB PRINTING, of every kind, done with
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letters should be addressd to
MEYERS A MENGEL,
npHJR BEDFORD GAZFTTE
MEYERS & MENGEL
Having recently mtuleadditional im
provements tf. our office, we arc pre
pared to execute all orders for
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The proprietor takes pleasure in offering to the
public the following articles belonging to the
Book Business, at CITY' RETAIL PRICES :
N O V E L S.
BIBLES, HYMN BOOKS, AC.:
Large Family Bibles,
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Methodist Hymn Books,
Smith's Dictionary of the Bible,
History of the Book 3 of the Bible,
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Bath Post, Damask Laid Note,
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Several Hundred Different Figures, the Largest :
lot ever brought to Bedford county, for
sale at prices CHEAPER THAN
EVER SOLD in Bedford.
Day Books, Ledgers,
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Blank Judgment Motes, drafts, receipts, 4c
INKS AND INKSTANDS.
Morocco Spring Pocket Inkstands,
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PENS AND PENCILS.
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Madame Demorest's Mirror of Fashions,
Godey's Lady's Book,
Lady 's Friend,
Our Young Folks,
Budget of Fun,
Frank Leslie's Illustrated,
New York Ledger.
New York Weekly,
Putnam's Monthly Magazine,
Arthur's Home Magazine,
Oliver Optic's Boys and Girl's Magazine Ac.
Constantly on Land to accomodate those who want
to purchase living reading mattter.
Only a part of the vast number of articles per
tainiug to the Book and Stationery business,
which we are prepared to sell cheaper than the
cheapest, are above enumerated. Give us a call
We buy and sell for CASH, and by this arrange
ment we expect to sell as .'heap as goods of this
class are sold anywhere
"PLEC T R I C
TELEGRAPH IN CHINA.
THE EAST INDIA TELEGRAPH COMPANY S
Nos. 23 & 25 Nassau Street,
Organized under special charter from the State
of New York.
50,000 SHARES, SIOO EACH
Hos. ANDREW G. CURTIN, Philadelphia.
PAUL S. FORBES, of Russell A Co., China.
FRED. BUTTERFrELD, of F Bu tterfield A C
ISAAC LIVERMORE, Treasurer Michigan Cen
tral Railroad, Boston.
ALEXANDER HOLLAND, Treasurer American
Express Company, New York.
Hon. JAMES NOXON, Syracuse, N. Y.
O. H. PALMER, Treasurer Western Union Tele
graph Company, New York.
FLETCHER WESTRAY, of Westray, Gibbs A
Ilardcastle, New York.
NICHOLAS MICKLFS, New York.
A. G. CURTIN, President.
N. MICKLES, Vice President
GEORGE ELLIS (Cashier National Bank Com
HON. A. K. McCLURE, Philadelphia, Solicitor.
The Chinese Government having (through the
Hon. Anson Burlingame) conceded to this Com
pany the privilege of connecting the groat sea
ports of the Empire by submarine electric tele
graph cable, we propose commencing operations
in China, and laying down a line of nine hundred
miles at once, between the following ports, viz :
Hang Chean 1,200,000
These ports have a foreign commerce of $900,-
000.000. and an enormous domestic trade, besides
which we have the immense internal commerce of
the Empire, radiating from these points, through
its canals and navigable rivers.
The cable being laid, this company proposes
erecting land lines, and establishing a speedy and
trustworthy means of communication, which must
command there, as everywhere else, the commu
nications of the Government, of business, and of
social life especially in China. She has no postal
system, and her enly means nowofcommuuicating
information is by couriers on land, and by steam
ers on water.
The M'estem M'orld knows that China is a very
large country, in the main densely peopled; but
few yet realize that she contains more than a third
of the human race. The latest returns made to
her central authorities for taxing purposes by the
local magistrate make her population Four hun
dred and Fourteen millions, and this is more
likely to be under than over the actual aggregate.
Nearly all of these, who are over ten years old,
not only can but do read and write. Her civili
zation is peculiar, but ber literature is as exten
sive as that of Eurepe. China is a land of teach
ers and traders; and the latter are exceedingly
quick to avail themselves of every proflered facili
ty for procuring early information. It is observed
in California that the Chinese make great use of
the telegraph, though it there transmits messages
in English alone, fo-day great numbers of Beet
steamers are owned by Chinese merchauts, and
used by them exclusively for the transmission of
early intelligence. If the telegraph we propose
connecting all their great seaports, were now in
existence, it is believed that its business would
pay the cost within the first two years of its suc
cessful operation, and would steadily increase
No enterprise commends itself as in a greater
degree renuinerative to capitalists, and to our
whole people. It is of vast national importance
commercially, politically and evangelically.
LTThe stock of this Company has been un
qualifiedly recommended to capitalists and busi
ness men, as a desirable investment by editorial
articles in the New York Herald, Tribune,
World, Times, Post, Express, Independent, and
in the Philadelphia North American, Press,
lsdger, Inquirer, Age, Bulletin and Telegraph.
Shares of this company, to a limited number,
may be obtained at SSO each, $lO payable down,
sls on the Ist of November, and $25 payable in
monthly instalments of $2 50 each, commencing
December 1, 1868, on application to
DREXEL & CO.,
31 .South Third Street,
Shares can be obtained in Bedford by applica
tion to Reed A Schell, Bankers, who are author
ized to receive subscriptions, and can give all ne
cessary information on the subject. sept2syl
combine style M'ith neatness of fit.
And moderate prices vith the best workmanship
JONES' ONE PRICE CLOTHING HOUSE
604 MARKET STREET,
GEO W. NIEMANN. PHILADELPHIA.
fjAVE YOUR TIME and MONEY
by going to O. R. Oster & Co. for cheap
stockings, and bo convinced that the assertion of
one man selling 104 per cent, cheaper than an
other is simply nonsenao. Ladies' cotton hose at
JO, 12,15, 20 cts. and upwards n2sml
Ibe Ifeifflril Oteette.
1. That the federal government is
limited in power to the grants contain
ed in the Federal Constitution; that
the exercise of doubtful constitutional
powers is dangerous to the stability of
the government and the safety of the
people, and the democratic party will
never consent that the State of Penn
sylvania shall surrender her great right
of local self-government.
2. That the attempted latifieation of
the proposed fifteenth amendrneut to
the Federal Constitution by the radi
cal members of the last legislature, and
their refusal to submit the same to a
vote of the people, was a deliberate
breach of their official duty and an
outrage upon every citizen of the State,
and the resolution making such ratifi
cation should be promptly repealed
and the amendment submitted to the
people at the polls for acceptance or re
3. That the Democratic party of
Pennsylvania is opposed to conferring
upon the negro the right to vote, and
we do emphatically deny that there
is any right or power in Congress or
elsewhere to impose negro suffrage up
on the people of this State in opposi
tion to their will.
1. That reform in the administration
of the federal and State governments,
and in the management of their finan
cial affairs is imperatively demanded.
5. That the movements now being
made for the amelioration of the con
dition of the laboring man has our
most cordial co-operation.
G. That the legislation of the late re
publican Congress "outside of the Con
stitution," the disregard of the major
ity therein of the will of the people and
sanctity of the ballot box, in the exclu
sion from their seats in Congress of
representatives clearly elected, the
establishment of military governments
in States in the Union and the o
verthrow of all civil governments
therein, are acts of tyranny and usur
pation that tend directly to the de
struction of all republican government
and the creation of the worst forms of
7. That our soldiers and sailors, who
carried the fiag of our country to victo
ry must be gratefully remembered,
and all the guaranties given in their
favor must be faithfully carried into
8. Equal rights and protection for
naturalized and native-born citizens
at home and abroad ; the assertion of
American nationality which shall
command the respect of foreign pow
ers and furnish an example an encour
agement to people struggling for na
tional integrity, constitutional liberty
and individual rights.
9. That the present internal revenue
and taxing system of the general gov
ernment is grossly unjust, and means
ought at once to be adopted to cause a
The report was acccepted and unani
NEVER TRAVELED.— A story is told
of an old lady who lived near Roches
ter, who had never seen or traveled
on a railroad. Wanting to goon a
visit to a small town a short distance
from the city, she thought she would
try one of the pesky things. She went
to the ticket office, carrying her reti
cule on one arm and an old-fashioned
rocking chair on the other. She
bought her ticket, walked out on the
platform, put down her rocking chair,
sat down in it, took out her knitting,
and went to wot k diligently. Steadily
she rocked and worked, trains coining
in or leaving as the car time came a
round. The old lady madenoattempt
to get on the cars, but kept knitting.
The day drew to a close, and night
came on. The last train was about
starting, when the depot master went
up and asked her if she was going out.
"Yes, sir," replied the lady.
"Hadn't you better go on broad and
secure a seat ?" said the depot master.
"Thank you, sir, I'm very comfor
table," replied the elderly dame.
The train left. The master came a
" Madam, I shall have to disturb
you; it is getting late; the trains have
all left, and we must close the depot.
Shall I send you to a hotel ?"
"Well!" exclaimed the old lady,
dropping her knitting and holding up
her hands, "ain't the thing going to
move? Here I brought my chair from
home so as to have a seat, on which
some pesky man could't squeeze him
self. I've set here all day wait in' for
the thing to go, and here I've had all
my trouble for nothing. I thought it
was a long time moving. I declare
that these hero railroads is the big
gest nuisance and humbug as ever
was!" and the old lady, with bag on
one arm and rocking chair on the oth
er, gave a toss of her head and march
ed off in high indignation.
A traveler in Pennsylvania last
summer asked his landlord if he had
any cases of sunstroke in that town.
"No, sir," said the landlord, "If a
man gets drunk here we say he is
drunk, and never call it by any other
A lady was urged by her friends to
marry a widower, and as an argu
ment they spoke of his two beautiful
children. "Children," replied the la
dy, "are like toothpicks. A person
wants her own."
On account of its roasting propensi
ties the Chicago Times thinks the Erie
railroad should be known us the Erie
An Austrian editor has been fined
for telling lies about Andrew Johnson.
What would become of all the radical
editors if that was the rule in this
BEDFORD, PA., THURSDAY MORNING, AUGUST 12, 1869.
JfONII, JEMIMA. AND THE WOLVES.
Josh Staver loved Jemima Pineap
ple. Loved her, did I say ? Love was
no name for it. Whenever he saw
her, his heart bounded so violently
that he was thrown to the ground.
Cold chills would run all over him, as
he expressed it, "from the sole of his
head to the crown of his foot." Jemi
ma M-as pretty to Josh; her hair,
"red as the sea," large eyes, M'hich
had the faculty of looking ways oppo
site each other at the same time, and
a nose M'hich looked as if it had been
lengthened by the addition of several
Now Josh had never escorted Jemi
ma home, for she lived two miles from
Fleasburg. She came to meetin' every
Sabbath night, and would walk across
the fields alone, not in the least afraid
of the Mild beasts which at that time
infested the country. But one night
our hero resolved to bear the dasmal
company, and accordingly prepared for
his noctunral company. He got his
grandfather's horse-pistol and loaded
it to the muzzle, and thrust a large
buthcher knife in his bosom, which
didn't hurt him much, for it Mas the
the bosom of his coat. A lantern com
pleted his "fixings."
The meeting closed, and Joshua,
M'ith Jemima leaning on his arm, like
I a large gourd hanging from a tail vine,
set out for the Pineapple mansion.
"We are in the M'oods, now, Jemi
ma," suid Josh, as he assisted hsi
partner over the fence of the last field,
"and now comes the tug of M'ar. I'll bet
a dime that these woods are full of
"I think they will not attack us;
but if they do, oh, Joshua, on thy arm
I will recline, and breathe my life out
SM'eetly there." And she gave such a
sigh that Josh started, thinking it the
half-smothered growl of a bear.
"What is the matter, Josh?"
"Oh, nothing." And gaining new
courage at the sound of Jemima's
voice, he squeezed her arm till she
nearly screamed aloud.
Suddenly a cry echoed through the
"Wolves!" shouted Josh.
"Bears !" re-echoed his partner.
"Come, Jemima, let us git." And
Through the woods they went, Josh
really dragging Jemima along. The
foe Mas approaching, the couple could
hear his footsteps in the leaves, for
they had wandered from the path.
"Josh, I can't go any further; we
must'tree it,'" said Jemima, as she
paused for breath.
"By gosh, M'e must. Here is a tree
with limbs nigh hanging on the
ground. Climb it, Jemima! Here I
go. Gods ! If the animal climbs the
tree, what then ?" and with a bound
the terrified Josh climbed up the tree,
leaving Jemima to follow him or be
devoured by the terrible pursuer a few
feet in their wake.
But Jemima M'as an old climber, and
was soon beside Josh, who sat perched
on one of the highest branches of the
"Listen Jemima, here the horrible
thing gnawing at the tree. It's
M'olves, surer'n shootin. They will
gnaw the tree doM'n in half an hour."
"I fear so, Joshua."
"But hold, Jemima, I've got a pis
tol !" said our hero, thinking for the
first time that night of his weapon,
pointed it down through the branches
were their pursuer was pawing among
the leaves, and fired. It M'as a destruc
tive shot, and Josh went springing
through the air like greased lightning.
He had loaded his pistol so heavily
that it kicked him from his perch into
the jaMS of the animal" below. But
fortunately he alighted on his feet, and
in an instant he Mas again in the tree,
hatless, his red locks catching in the
branches, M'hich cruelly tore them from
"I was a durned fool, Jemima, to
have loaded that pistol so heavily, and
it kicked me right into the wolves'
mouths; hut thank Moses, I escaped.
Just feel my head."
Jemima placed her hand upon Josh's
cranium, and withdrew it, wet with
"That is my blood shed for you, Jemi
ma, and 1 am willing to shed more,
dogoned if I ain't."
"Can the wolves climb?"
"Climb like rabbits, Jemima; and
every minute I am looking to see them
come up here. Ido believe my shot
killed half a dozen of them. Listen at
them gnaM'ing. If we could only keep
them gnaM'ing at something else be
side the tree till daylight, we M'ould be
"May be they are like bears, Joshua;
they will eat anything you throM' at
"Well, I'll try them ; so first here
goes my boots," and taking off his
fine Ixtots, Josh groped his M'ay out on
"Farewell, dear boots, bran new
ones, cost eight dollars this blessed
morning. Farewell, I sacrifice you to
Jemima," and the splendid boots were
For a M'hile the animal ceased gnaM'-
ing the tree, and gnawed the boots,
Josh cursing inwardly the while. At
last the gnawing re-commenced.—
"Blast him! he ain't satisfied with
eight dollars worth of leather, so I'll
have to give him seventeen dollars
worth of cloth," and away went his
coat; it M*as soon afterward followed
by his vest and stockings, and Josh
declared his "unmentionable" raiment
would follow the rest, at which de
claration Jemima blushed, and said :
"Blast if I don't, Jemima." He
spoke determinedly and Mould no
doubt make his M'ord good.
But the vest satisfied the animal be
neath the tree, and a few hours later,
morning daM'ned. The lovers, for
such they were now, descended from
the tree, when lo! to their astonish-
ment they beheld Jemima's pet calf
which followed them, and not the
wolves. The gnawing they heard, was
the harmless animal chewing at tome
undergrowth which lay plentifully a
round. Josh's eyes filled with tears as
he looked around. There lay his boots,
butin asomewhatdamaged condition
here the coat and vest partly chewed
They said nothing, but proceeded to
the Pineapple mansion, where they
told a doleful story about being treed
by wolves; how Joshua had sacrificed
his clothes to save their lives; how he
had slaughtered forty of the ravenous
animals, Ac., Ac.
Old Pineapple said such bravery and
devotion should not go unrewarded,
and placing Jemima's hand in Josh's,
told him to take her as his mate. They
were married, and now live in a little
hut with one room and a garret, near
Fleasburg, now a flourishing "burg"
oa Turtle creek.
N. B.—Jemima's pet calf was nev
er seen after the night it treed the de
voted couple. We rather guess it
[From the El Paso (IB.) Journal.J
ONSLAUGHT ON A UOUNTKV ED
ITOR IN ILLINOIS; HE HAS
A DKOLO.YOLD DERATE
ON THE WOMAN
I was sittin' in my office, speculatin'
in my own mind whether on the
whole it wouldn't be best for me to
give myself away for the benefit of
my family, when there comes a
knock at the door.
There, says I, is some one anxious to
subscribe, for the the El PASO Journal,
so I uttered in a loud voice, "Come
She was dressed in a pair of store
boots and an iron grey set of spectacle?,
and she walked up to me with majes
ty in her mein. I knew who it was
the minute I set my eyes on her.
It was a woman.
I gracefully arose and said. "How
are you maam, was you wishin' to sub
scribe to the El Paso Journal ?" at the
same time dippin' my pen in the ink
and openin' my subscription hook.
This alwuz gets 'em. It looks like
I didn't get her.
She fixed her glassy eyes on me and
said: "Young man, are yew an advo
cate for the holy caws of woman's
"No maam," said I, "I aui a Pres
"Air you," site said, "prepared to
embark with us over the see with e
"Maam," said I, "I haint got no ob
jection takin' a sail with you provided
the boat ain't leaky and you'll do the
A smile perused her features for a
; moment and then she said, "I'm wil
lin' to suffer for the caws."
"Yes," said I, in a polite and soften
in' manner. "It'll only cost two dol
lars, and we'll send it to any address
for an entire year."
"Hev you a wife?" she asked.
"I hev," said I, wonderin' what she
was comin' at. "So that you see I
couldn't marry you ef I wanted to
ever so mnch." I threw litis in as a
"Air you willin' that she should
share with you the burdens and trials
"I ain't noways perticklar, said I,
"an' I'll let Iter shoulder the whole of
em ef she has a hankerin' that
"Wood yew consent that site should
go to the poles?" said she.
"She am go where she pleases,"
said I, "She ginerally does."
"Yew air a hole souled man" said
she and throwin' Iter arms around my
neck laft wildly.
"Git out," said I, "what air you up
to? I ain't one of them men.
After much labor I succeeded in un
loosening her hold and sit her down
on a chair. I judged from her con
duct that she stood in need of a few
"You air an impulsive femail," said
I, " Yoor nature is at once spontaneous
an' out-breakin.' You need a pair of
martingals. Consider what would be
yoor state ef a man's wife mas to catch
you huggin' him in this style."
She wiped her face with her dress.
I forgot to mention this fact in speak
in' of her spectacles.
"I am a worker in the caws of Wo
"Yes," said I, "you air. You ought
to be ashamed of yourself. I should
judge you were one of the lobby wo
men that the Chicago Tribune corres
pondent tells of. But you can't come
nefarious arts over me. I am sealed
"I should be pleased," she said "to
go arm in arm with you to the poles."
"No you don't," said 1, in alarm;
"not ef I have anything to say in the
matter. I won't go with yoo—not a
single darned pole."
"Young man," said she, "hast thou
"I hev," said I, "seven of'em. Can
you show as good a record ?"
"Would you," said she, "have your
girls grow up and he married to base,
sordid men Mho would take away
their political rites ar.d allow 'em no
"Parn the franchises," says I, in a
rage, "they are the tilings that women
put on behind to give them the Gre
cian bend. Ef my daughters ever go to
"No, no," said she, they are pan
"Well" said I, "panniers or fran
chises whatever you call 'cm, I am op
posed to 'em. They are unnatural and
humty. They degrade the human
form into the likeness of a cam. 1
and bring lovely women doM'n on all
fours like a eat."
"Then said she, "come with ine, and
we will emancipate women from the
slavery of dress."
"No," said I M-ith severity, "I have
no M'ish to take the close aM ay trom
any woman. Wimrnin without cloie
would be a sad spectacle, particularly
in M'inter, when the howling blasts
prevail. Who are you, anyway?" I
asked my visitor.
"I am a pilgrim," she said, "I belong
to the Atjilator, a noospaper devoted
to the caws of femail suffrage in Chica
"Well,"said I,calmly, "thewimrnin
in Chicago need something of this sort.
Where them that are married never
no on goln' to bed at night but what
on M'ukin' up in the inornin' that they
may be divorced, and them that
ain't married spend their time in bet
tin' how many times they can be mar
ried and divorced within a month.
The wimrnin of Chicago need agitatin'
powerfully. Keep a stirrin' on 'em up,
if you please. The more you agitate
the better for 'em."
With these words I arose, and tellin'
her to set still with my return, I stole
softlydown stairs. I have not been back
since. What will be the effect of leav
in' a femail agitator sittin' in my seat
the whole of this time, I know not,
but if she M'aits until I go back her pa
tience will be of cast iron.
LOAFERS AND LABORERS.
The United States Government owes
its protection to those M'ho labor.
Yet it protects only loafers. Ala
borer is one M'ho labors. A man or wo
man who is busy doing something for
self-support and the benefit of oth
ers. The poor woman with her nee
dle-pricked fingers and eyes red from
over-work is a laborer, and she pro
tects the Government. The needle she
uses, the light she SCM'S by, the thread
she seM's with, the room she lives in,
the money she earns, is taxed.
The poor woman in the country M'ho
milks, washes, cooks, irons, sweeps,
scrubs, makes and mends—working
like a slave from day to day—is help
ing protect the Government. She toils
to help pay taxes—she groM's old pre
maturely—her girlish beauty is sweat
out—her agile form groM's stiff and
awkward, for her life is one of labor.
She works to protect the Government.
A man folloM*s the ploM'- the har
row—the seed-drill—the reaper and
mower. He swings the ax, with stur
dy arm, throwing enterprise into the
M'ilderness. He drills the roek, digs
into mountains, explores rivers, labors
in mines, pioneers his way to the
West and to wealth. He drives a
j stage, SM'ings a sledge, shoes a horse,
| makes a coat, paints a picture, prints a
a paper, invents aud makes machinery,
builds a house, lays out a toM'n, erects
a churcn, a school, or block of stores;
picks rags, carries bundles, blacks
j boots, sets type, preaches sermons,am
; putates limbs, pulls teeth, paves
| streets, raises cattle, makes railroads,
| carries a musket, pays taxes.
He lives by the labor of his hands or
his brains. He is a M'orkingman, aid
ing to make the country great, paying
taxes—/or irhat f
To protect the Government.
To protect loafers.
To protect bondholders who pay no
He protects the Government—the
Government robs the M'orkingman to
to protect the loafer.
Who is the M'orkingman ?
A man who works with hand and
brain to live by his own labor.
Who is the loafer.
Any man who lives other than by
labor, M'ho shirks honest toil of brain
or muscle, and fastens himself like a
leech to the earning of others. The
' bondholder is a loafer. He lives on in
terest stolen from theieople. lie lives
on the losses of others. lie is as much
a loafer as the seedy dead-beat M'ho
stands in saloons M aitir.g for others to
ask him to drink.
He is a robber, for he takes that lie
has not earned.
He is a shirk, for he throws the bur
densof life on the shoulders of others.
He is a coward, for he runs behind
the law M'ith his stolen plunder, asks
for protection, and from his retreat
reaches out to rob the M'orkingman of
his earnings, and M'ith long, crooked
claws reaches into the M'ombof the fu
ture to rob the unborn.
lie is a drone, for he adds nothing to
the revenue, builds no houses, makes
no cities, improves no lands, nor ben
efits the world.
lie is a tyrant, for he ride 9 rough
shod over labor, and snatches from the
poor the tax on tea, coffee, cloths, fur
niture, bread, medicines, shrouds, and
coftins—everything to make up the
gold he calls for and receives as inter
est on his untaxed bonds.
The workingman Is our friend and
we would see him protected.
The loafer is our enemy. The loafer
is a bondholder—the bondholder is a
loafer M'ho is protected by the Govern
ment, and M'o depise him, and the rot
ten laws which protect him at the ex
pense of labor.
We like honest men.
We hate thieves.
The man who robs of others is a
The bondholder robs other.
Where in GOD'S law is it given in
charge for us to toll to benefit others
M'ho M'ill not work ? And why should
we rob our homes— our loved ones—
our children—to enrich that cowardly
arlstt e.-acy that h is by its own laM's ex
empted itself from taxation?—7Yiw
A Missouri lady hung herself because
her husband went to California. There
arc n good many willing to do that
same tiling because their husbands
won't go to California—or somewhere.
The Radical press of Virginia call
colored men "niggers" since the elec
tion. That's a mild retaliation upon
the colored gentlemen for so thoroughly
thrashing the Radicals.
VOL 65.-WHOLE No. 5,502.
A NI KAStiE METAMOKFHOKIK.
The Terre Hauti (Ind.) Journal tolls
this highly veracious story :
A few nights since the residence of a
prominent citizen was entered by a
burglar, and some valuable jewelry
and other property stolen and carried
away. But before leaving the house,
it appears he paid a visit to nearly ev
ery apartment in it. Traces of him
were found about and below stairs ;
wherever, indeed, it was probable any
valuables could be obtained. It so
happened that one member of the fam
ily belonged to that much abused and
very excellent class of society called
"old maids." She is a free-hearted,
generous lady, intelligent and refined,
and the only fear that her well-balanc
ed mind had ever known, is the ap
prehension that in some evil hour
Satan will lure her affections into the
keeping of that abomination of her
mind, a man. The good lady prays
every day that 110 such evil may befall
her, and that she may live and die in
maiden meditation fancy free. Now,
whether the burglar knew this j>eeuli
arity of the lady s mind or not, lie at
I all events determined to play her a
very practical joke. To this end he
| carefully removed from the chair on
which she had neatly folded and laid
it, ail her wearing apparel, and sub
stituted, from another room, a eom
i plete suit of gentleman's clothes. Then
taking off a huge pair of false whis
kers, he carefully adjusted them to the
face of the sleeping lady. Of course
he could not wait to see the denoue
ment, but that pleasure was reserved
for the family the next morning. A
wakeniugat an early hour, the good la
dy proceeded to the mirror (an invaria
ble practice with ladies) to enjoy a look •
at her face. The first glance petrified
her with horror. Was she indeed a
man ? The latent superstition of her
nature reviving, she imagined that
Satan had been playing her a horrible
revenge for her animosity to the male
creation. She staggered to a chair,
and, almost broken-hearted, concluded
to dress and send for a barber. But
now she noticed for the first time that
her clothe:-, too, were gone, and a gen
tleman's outfit was substituted in thei i
stead. She was certain now that the
metamorphosis was complete, and,
resigning herself to the situation, tried
to don the apparel. But having no
experience in the adjustment of this
new-fangled apparel, and habit being
stronger than instinct, she found that
every time she put the pantaloons ov
er her head, she encountered an impe
diment that defied all her efforts to
overcome. In short, the pants would
not go over her head. At last, in de
spair, she rang for assistance, and, her
maid appearing at the door, she cried
"Don't come in, Betty, for I'm a man
now: but just please step in and ask
brother if he usually puts his breech
es on over head, or commences feet
It is needless to say the message as
tonished the household. It was some
time before the lady would admit to
her appartments any one of either sex,
for fear she might make a mistake;
but finally one more adventurous than
the rest pushed open the door, and
convinced the sorely tried maid that
she had not forsaken her estate, but
was yet one of the angels of earth.
One night General was out
on the line in Georgia, and observed a
light on the mountain opposite.—
Thinking it was a signal light of the
enemy, ho remarked to his artillery of
ficers that a hole could easily be put
through it; whereupon the officer
turning to the corporal in charge of the
gun, said :
"Corporal do you see that light?"
'Put a hole through it.' ordered the
The corporal sighted the gun, and
when all was ready he looked up and
'Captain that's the moon.'
'Don't care for that,' was the cap
tain's steady response; 'put a hole
through it anyhow !'
A gentleman was one day arranging
music for a lady, to whom he was pay
ing his attention. "Pray, Miss D.,"
said he, "what time do you prefer?"
"Oh," she replied, carelessly, "any
time will do—but the quicker the bet
A down-east girl being bantered one
day by some of her female friends in
regard to her lover who has the mis
fortune to have but one leg, replied:
"Pooh, I wouldn't have a man with
two legs—they are too common !"
A darkey gives the following reason
why the colored race is superior to the
white rtg'e. He reasons thusly:—
"That all men are made of clay, and
like the mearschaum pipe, they are
mire valuable when highly colored."
A young lady going into a barraek
room at Fort George, saw an officer
toasting a slice of bread upon the
point of his sword ; on which she ex
claimed: "I see you have got the staff
of life upon the point of death !"
■ ■ A
A New Jersey horse-thief has been
sentenced to one hundred and fifty
years' imprisonment. That is tin* first
intimation that horse-stealing is con
ducive to longevity.
The successful laying of the French
cable was duly celebrated and little
Djxbury was, for a time, in a blaze of
Kansas claims to bo receiving 1000
new settlers a day.
A shipment of California watermel
ons has just been sent to New York.
Florida plants sweet potatoes in the
fall, and gathers them in the Spring.