BY MEYERS & MENGEL.
etc.
/ 1 GOD NEWS
VI
FOR THE PEOPLE !
J. M. SHOEMAKER
Has just received a large and varied assortment ot
FALL and WINTER GOODS,
of all descriptions, which have been bought at
UNUSUALLY LOW PRICES,
ant which bo is determined fo s"ll CHEAP. j
They consist in part ot
Dry Gootls,
Boots and Shoes,
Ready-made Clothing,
Hats and Caps.
Fresh Groceries.
Buckets and Brooms,
Qucenswaro,
Tobacco.
Segars. Ac.
Give liim a call and see for yourselves
nv6th, to J M. SHOEMAKER
1868. " u "
G. R. OSTER & CO.
Have just received a large and Attractive Stock j
of new aud CHSAP
FA L L GOO DS,
COMPRISING
Ladies dress go-ids,
Cloths,
Cassimerea,
Satinetts.
Tweeds.
Jeans,
Flannels. I
Ready made clothing, '
flats. ,
Caps.
Boot s ,
Shoes,
Fresh Family Groceries,
Tobaccos.
Segarg. Ac..
DECIDEDLY CHEAP.
Bedford 0ct!6.'68
——
j| EN PERSON'S Celebrated Fresh
Ground, Extra Family Flour constantly in Store
and lor ate by O. K OSTER 4 CO
oct 16.'68
4 B. CRAMER A CO.
Have now open and offer for -.ale,
AT REDUCED PRICES,
the Inrgest and most elegant stock of
I ■
FALL an l WINTER GOODS
to be found
IN BEDFORD COUNTY!
Tho assortment is complete, and GREAT BAR
GAINS in every department will be offered.
n0v6,'68. A. B CRAMER A CO.
lUEW GOODS!! NEW GOODS
iTse undersigned has just received from the East a i
large and varied stock of New Goods,
which are now open for
examination, at
MILL-TOWN,
two miles West of Bedford, comprising everything
usually found in a first-class country store
consisting, in part, of
I )ry-Goods,
Delaines,
Calicoes,
Muslins,
Cass inters,
Boots and Shoes,
Groceries,
Notions,
Ac., Ac.
All of which will be sold at the most reasonable ;
prices.
Ui Thankful for past favors, wo solicit a con
tinuance ot the public tmnage
Ugr" Call and exam r goods.
n.ay24, 67. G. YEAGER
full assortment of
N E W GO O L> 8
AT M. C. FETTERLY'S CORNER,
opposite the Washington Hotel where will he
1' and at all times DRY and FANCY GOODS
adapted to the daily wants of families
Shawls,
Bonnets,
Hats,
Cloak Goods, j
of the best qualities and latest stvles A full line
of White Quods. Woolen Goods, Hosiery, Gloves,
Handkerchiefs, Laces. Ac., Ac.
Thankful to the public for past patronage, we ,
hope to merit a continuance of the ssuie in the
fatal* M 0. TBTTBKIaY.
novl3m3*
II ARD W A RK A "BT'o V EsH
B AUG H MAS, GUMP A CO.,
Bloody Run, Pa.
DEALERS IN
Dealer> in Iron, Nails,
Horse Shoes, Springs, Axle-,
Thimble Skeins, Hubs, Spokes,
Felloes, Sleigh Runners, Sleigh
Bells, Forks, Shovels, Saws, Axes,
Spoons, Cutlery, Cooking and
Heating Stoves for coal or
Wood, Glass, Paints, Oils,
Lamps, Wooden ware,
Ac., Ac.
They manufacture Tin and .Sheet Ironware and
have eonstantlv on'hand ah assortment <-f
TINWARE and STOVE PIPE.
AH goods kept by them will be sold at the low- 1
est prices. oct2m6
rpilE HOUSEHOLD GAS Machine! i
FOR SUPPLYING DWELLINGS,STORES, FAC
TORIES. cut RCUEs AND PUBLIC
BUil DINGS 1,1111 GAS !
Of. crates Ojs irohuut Fir,: tie H (! '
The eiujplioi'y and ease by which this MaGiine ,
is man■ 1. as al *• r-ee oomy and greet merit. ,
r-v uiatuends it t-> public f ivor C >ll ... i ree it* !
cliiue in operation at the store !
Mauafselnrer a>. i S .1 • A sent,
DA V! D Jo.NES.
TIN FURNISHING STohK, N-.7:t,i I KEEN ST., j
PHILADELPHIA.
for illustrated Circular. aug2im.'{
Wl GROUSE,
* DEALER IS ALL KINDS or
SEGARS,
TOBACCO,
PIP liS, i
And a general asa -rtment of Smokers and Cfaew
ers' articles, BEDFORD, Pa. i
jnl 31 .'66y I
*ioof land's Cristas.
Y"OU ALL
BATE BEARD OP
HOOFLAND'S GERMAN BITTERS,
AND
HOOFLAND'S GERMAN TONIC.
Prepared by Dr. C. M. Jackson, Philadelphia
Their introduction into this country from Ger
many occurred in
1825.
THEY CURED YOUR
FATHERS AND MOTHERS,
And will cure you and your children. They are
entirely different from -w w the many preparations
now in the country cal I—l led Bitters or Tonics.
They are no tavern-1 '-preparation, or any
thing like one: but good, honest, reliable medi
cines They are
Thr greatest known remedies for
Liver Complaint,
DYSPEPSIA,
Nervous Debility,
JAUNDI JE,
Diseases of the Kidneys,
ERUPTIONS OF THE SKIN,
and all Diseases arising from a Disordered Liver,
stomach, or
IMPURITY OF THE FLOOD
Constipation. Flatulence. Inward Piles. Fullnes
of Blood to the Head. Acidity of the Stomach,
Nausea, Heartburn, Disgust for Food, Full
liess or Weight in the Stomach. Sour Eruc
tati- ns. Sinking or Fluttering at the
Pit of the Stomach. Swimming of the
Head. Hurried or Difficult Breathing
Fluttering at the y~. Heart, Cooking or
Suffocating Sei mi I ti-ms when in a Lying
P-ture. Dimness of Vision. I), ts or Webs
before the sight. Dull Pain in the Head. Defi
ciencyoi Perspiration, Yellowness of the Skin
ami Eyes, Pain in the Side. Back. Chest.
Limbs, etc , Sudden Flushes of Heat
Burning in the Flesh. Constant Imagi
nings of Evil and (Treat Depression of Spirits.
.1 11 these indicate diseases of the Liter or Di
gestive Organs,combined with impart bloo-i
HOOFLAND'S GERMAN BITTERS
is entirely vegetable and contains no liquor. It
is a compound of Fluid Extracts. The R -its.
Herbs, and Barks from which these extracts are
made, are gathered in Germany. All the medi
cinal virtuous are ex . . traded from them by
a scientific Chemist f ft These extracts are
then forwarded to this V * country to he use l ex
pressly for the manufacture of these Bitters
There is no alcoholic substance of any kinl used
in compounding the Bitters, hence it is the only
Bitters that can he used in cases where alcoholic
stimulants are not advisable.
HOOFLAND'S GERMAN TONIC
is a combination of all the ingredients of the Bit
ters. with pt RE Santa Crux Rum.Orange, etc. It
is used fur the same diseases as the Bitters, in case
where some pure alcoholic stimulus is required.
You will bear in mind that these remedies are en
tirely different from any others advertised for the
cure of the <limees named, these being scientific
preparations of medicinal extracts, while the oth
er- are mere decoctions of rum in some form. The
TONIC is decidedly one of the most pleasant and
agreeable remedies ever offered to the public Its
tas'e isexquisite It is a pleasure to take it. while
its life-giving, exhilarating, and medicinal quali
ties have caused it to bo kuow"
all tonics.
DEBILITY.
There is no medicine equal to Hoofland's Ger
man Bitters or Tonic . in cases of Debility.
They impart a tone Id and vigor to the whole
sys'em, strengthen 1- the appetite, cause an
injov uent of the food, euable the stomach to di
gi-rit purify :he blooi. give a good, sound,
t- ithy complexion, eradicate the yellow tinge
fr on the eye. impart a bloom to the cheeks, and
cr .nge the patient from a short-breathed, cmaci
a d, weak, and nervous invalid, to a full-faeed.
stout, and vigorous person.
Weak and Delicate Children art
made strong by using the Bitters or Tonic In
fa •?. they are Family Medicines. They can be
administered with perfect safety to a child three
mouths old, the most delicate female. or a man of
ninety
These remedies art the best
Blood Purifiers
ever known and will cure all diseases resulting
from bad blood. Keep y >ur blood pure; keep
your Liver in oi.ler, • keep your digestive
organs in a sound, I healthy condition by
the use of these reme M.J dies, and no diseases
will ever assail yon. The best men in thecouutry
recommend them. If years of honest reputation
g" for anything, you must try these preparations.
FROM HON. GEO. W WOODWARD,
Chief Justice ot the .Supreme Court of Pennsylva
nia.
PHILADELPHIA, March 16, 1867.
I find that 'Hoofland's German Bitters ' is not
an intoxicating beverage, hut is a good tonic, use
ful in disorders of the digestive organs, and of
great benefit in eases of debility and want of ner
vous action in the system.
Yours Truly,
GEO. W. WOODWARD
FROM HON JAMES TAOMPSON.
Judge of the Supreme Conrt of Pennsylvania.
PHILADELPHIA. April 26, 1866
I consider "Hoofland's German Bitters" a valua
ble medicine in case . of attaaks of Indiges
tion or Dyspepsia. I \ can certify this from
my experience of it il. Yours, with respect,
JAMES THOMPSON
FROM REV. JOSEPH U. KENNARD, D. D ,
Pastor of the Tenth Baptist Church, Philadelphia.
DR JACKSON —DEAR SIR: —I have been fre
quently requested to connect my name with rec
ommendations of different kinds of medicines, hut
regarding the piactice as out of my appropriate
sphere, I have in all cases declined ; but with a
clear proof in various instances, and particularly
in my own family, of the usefulness ot Dr. Hoof
land's German Bitters, I depart for once from
my usual course, to express my full conviction
th it for general debility of the system, and es
pecially for Liver Coin -w-r- plaint, it is a safe
and valuable preparation. In some cases
it may fail ; lint usual it ly. I doubt not, it
will be very beneficial to those whosuffer from the
above causes. Yours, very respectfully.
J H KENNARD,
Eigth, below Coa tea Street.
CAUTION.
Hoofland's German Remedies are counterfeited.
The Genaiue have the signature of C M. JACK
SON on the front of the outside wrapper of each
b ,:11 e. and the name of the article blown in each
bottle. All others are counterfeit.
Price of the Bitters, per bottle;
Or, a half dozen for $5.
Price of the Tonic, $1 50 per bottle;
Or, a half dozen for $7 50.
The tonic is put up in quart bottles.
Recollect that it is Dr. Hoofland's German
Remedies that are so universally used and so
highly recommended; j--,aud do not allow the
i> iggist to induce I ftyou to take anything
. hat be may say L' is just as good be
;; - J he makes a larger profit unit. Those Keuie
vil! be -erit by express to any locality upon
i. Lplication to the
PRINCIPAL OFFICE,
At the German Medicine Store.
.\V 6."J 1 AUCH STR EET, Phtla le/pkia.
(.'II AS. M. EVANS,
PROPRIETOR.
F utterly C. M. JACKSON A Co.
These Remedies are for sale by Druggists, Store
keepers and Medicine Dealers everywhere.
Do not forget to eztmine the article gnu bug
in order $o get the genu:"t.
WAylJO'flfiyl
TERMS OF PUBLICATION.
THE BEDFORD GAZETTE is published every Fri
day morning by MEYERS A MKSSEL, at $1 00 per
annum, if paid strictly in advance $2 50 if paid
within six'months; $3 00 if not paid within six
months. All subscription accounts MUST be
settled annually. No paper will be sent out of
the State unless paid for IN ADVANCE, and all such
uhseriptions will invariably be discontinued at
the expiration of the time for which they arc
ail.
All ADVERTISEMENTS TOT n less term than
three months TEN CENTS per line for each In
sertion. Special notices one-half additional AH
reaoluti'ns of Associations; communications of
limited or individual interest, nn-.l notices of mar
riages and deaths exceeding five line, ten rents
per liDe. Editorial notices fifteen cents per line.
Ail legal On tires of every kind, and Orphans
Court and Judicial Sales, are. required by hup
t be published in both pipers publi -hed in this
pi ace
LJ/- AH advertising due after first insertion.
A liberal discount i made to person? advertising
by the quarter, half year, or year, as follows .
3 months. 6 month?. I year.
*one square - - $ 4 sft $6 06 $lO 00
Two squares - - - 600 900 16 00
Thr; squarv- - - - S tin i 2 00 20 no
Quarter column - - 1-1 00 20 00 no HO
Hall eolumn - - - 18 00 2o 00 fo <lO
One column - - - - 30 00 4.> 09 80 01
♦One square to occupy one inch of space
JOB PRINTING, of every kind, done with
neatness and dispatch. THE GAZETTE OFFICE has
just been refitted with a Power Pre.- • .r.J now type,
and everything in the Printing lire can be ex cu
tod iq the most artistic manner :nd at tho Invest
rates. -TERMS CASH.
[ a Alters should bo address I tr>
MEYERS A MENGEL,
Publishers.
THE LIVE SOI I.
A DOCTOR'S STRATEGY.
Mr Lundy was a peculiar-looking
man, with a thin face, and loner,
straight hair, that he fancied never
needed cutting. He had, it one time,
been very unfortunate in business; but
though made rich since, by a large le
gacy, he was not in a condition to en
joy it. The fact is, Mr. Lundy wa- a
confirmed hypoehrondriae.
For many years Mrs. L. had stayi d
at home and humored his whims, hut
one wcasm Iter pretty daughter win ted
to go to a watering-place, not for any
disease in particular, but to >ee t! •
world and the young folks in it.
Behold them, then, comfortably es
tablished in a seaside hotel. For two
days Mr. Lundy had Ijeen all right;
but one morning his poor wife knew*
what was routing, by the peculiarity
of his looks and motions. Her book
felt from her hand. Minnie turned
pale.
'lie's been flighty all the morning,'
said Mrs. L. 'Dear, dear, see him
whirl—what is it, Lundy?'
'A feather, my dear—a feather; catch
me—hold me. Don't you see the wind
is blowing me everywhere? It will
take me cut to sea, aud I shall get sat
urated -yes, wet through, Mrs. Lundy.
I beg you to catch rile ; pin me to your
' '• I sh.ll! h" Ti j' ~u.
how frightfully I ruffle; the slightest
pull'of air agitates me throughout. I'd
rat'.n rbe anything than thi . Do pat
me in your bonnet, my dear.'
'l'll put you in a madhouse before
long,' muttered the exasperated wife,
'if you cut up &u h capers. Come into
the hotel, Mr. Lundy.'
'Come into the hotel, madam ? You
talk as if 1 had legs. Did you ever
see a feather walk? Why, I'm lighter
than a snow-drift. I wish 1 had a brick
in my hat, to keep me down. Oh ! 1
envy everything stationary. Observe
how 1 quiver. Stick a pin in me, my
d ar, and fasten me to the floor. Is
the re enough of me for ti pea ? Am 1
a hen-feather, or a duck-feather or
what ?'
'Goose-feather, if anything, you tire
some mortal,' cried his wife. 'I am
sick of your vagaries. First, you're a
cat on the roof, tnewing and keeping
everybody awake; then you're a gla-s
bottle, full of water, freezing and snap
ping; you're anything and.everything
but a reasonable man. lam tired of
it.'
'Mrs. Lundy, will you have the good
nos- to put me in your pocket ? Squeeze
me in your hand—anything, that I
may feel safe in you protecting care.
'l'm afloat, (singing); I'm afloat; I'm
afloat.' Ah! what's that ?'
'Nothing, Mr. Lundy, but Joe's whip.
I called him froin the coach-home.
Lay on, Joe.'
'But, my love, my leg s .'
'Nonsense, Mr. Lundy. Lay on, Joe.
Feathers haven't got legs."
'True, Mrs. Lundy; but they have)
marrow, and that's what feel-. Bray
beg Joe to stop.'
Ju-t then ran up little Tom, the only j
male hope of the Lundy family, and,
strange to say, in his hand a hand
some hen-feather. A triumphant smile
ilium;nated the face of Lundy the el-j
der.
'Now, my dear,' he said, gravely,
taking the feather in his hand, 'I hopi
you'll believe me. My child, look on
that feather, and be thankful; that wa
me.'
And little Tom, chuckling at the
idea, ran up and down the piazza, re
peating merrily:
'Pa was a hen once; dear me, how
funny!'
Minnie Lundy was captivating;
there is no doubt about that, in pink,
blue, white, or green,-he looked equal
ly charming. There were rich men
there who would have been glad to
po—ess her, and nice men, and silly to '
that extent that they were fools and
didn't know it. But it happened that
a young physician was luckier than i
them all, and poorer. 'I must have !
that girl,' he said, sotto voce, a dozen
j
times a day, and then heartily wished
that she had a fever. Probably he saw
Minnie through the back of his head, j
for lie was always looking out of the
window when site came in, an'd always
blushed violently.
One day Minnie followed her moth
er into the parlor. As usual, Dr. St aeg
was there.
'.My dear,'cried Mrs. Lundy, who
had just come from the garden, 'y< ti
look excited.'
'O, mamma !' ami her voice was -t
BEDFORD. PA.. FRIDAY MORNING, NOVEMBER 27, IS6B.
sweetly low, -o softly agitated— 4, we
shall have to leave this place, indeed
we shall. Father is taking on terri
bly ; some of the boaulers are laugh
ing—others are shocked.'
'What is the Irak now, my dear?'
'O! he's a rooster, and crows til! lie's
black in the face.'
'A rooster! horrible! And here we
are; not a doctor we know '
Somebody wheeled round from the
window.
'Madam, 1 heard you speaking of—
the -ahem—need of a doctor. Excuse
my forwardness—but I am a physi
cian.'
Gfcourse Minnie was more beautiful
than ever in her confusion.
'Mv poor husband has an unfortunate
tendency that annoys everybody near
him.'
'Perhaps he is a hypochondriac. I
think I've ,-een him. Where is he
madam?*
'On the north porch,' -aid Minnie.
'And I am sure we are very much
obliged,' added the mother, 'if you can
help him.'
Tho first sound that struck their ears,
a- they i -ued from the door, was a
grand ei.d -ouorous 'eoek-a-doodJe
doo !'
'J dtn Mr. Lundy !' cried his wife,
'what a snd spectacle you are making
of yourself!'
• dm no spectacle, good woman ; I'm
a rou. ' r. Get out of my way—do you
not tan Ici the e.Ypnn-c : f my wings?
U.ck-a-doodle-doo!'
'What shall we do V cried the poor
\vik .to the doctor. 'Gk, sjjq can you
atop thi.- ridiculous exhibition?'
'Trust mo, madam,' -aid the young
limn, biting It. !ip>, for the sight was
tint '" to ridicule .is for hi- gravity.
'Upon my word,' eoatinu ' l he, ad
dre-sing the dtfiu ! -1 man, 'what a
magnificent creature ! Why, his feath
er.- are a yard long. Where did you
get Such it -p! I'd;.', -m ; dm ;i? 1- he
imported ?'
'Cock-a-doodletdoo!' yelled Ute hu- 1
man biped, strutting more thaa ever.
'That soman has nothing to do with
me, sir—nothing at ail. I'm a rooster
on uiy own aiv >unt —c: ck-a-doodle
doo!'
11. re the doctor gave td< r- aside to
one of the s rvaiEwho went away
grinning. Then turning to the rooster,
who was by tlifs time red in the fare
wa it exertion, he said :
'I declare it makes uiy mouth water
to think what a capital dinner that
bird would furnish. May I wring his
neck, madam? It will take but a few
seconds.'
'No you don't,' cried the other ; 'l'm
tough, I'm very tough, I'm an old bird,
sir, not to be caught with chaff.'
'But you area rooster; what else are
V£U' 1 — ,4!
'Good tnerow, -ir ; good to crow af
ter which came the loudest screech of
all, -ueeeeded by a mner-ault and a
sense of suflotation. Another moment
and tin .rvarffreap; , d with a dead
fowl in his arm-.
'I Hs-ure you, sir, it had to be done,"
-ai l the doctor, gravely ; and Mr. Lun
dy rubbed his face and pinched his
throat. *
'Did yon really wring my neck, si*?'
the hypochondriac asked, gravely.
'When you were a r o-'er, certain
ly.'
'Did Idle game?' asked the other, j
widi t mariner of -olemn importance.
'Y udid—mrticuluriy gain •,'replied
the doctor.
'Thank you, sir. If I sfould happen j
to t itm into a rooster again, I shall
know where to go.'
M -hiiil be most happy to -to wring
your neck for you, sir, on any such in- j
teresting occasion.'
'Very kind, I'in sure. If you should
ever get into any trouble, John Lundy )
will stand your friend.'
'Do you promise me that, sir?'
'I do, ami I never break my word.'
After that, Minnie walked into the
garden sometime-; and Minnie was not
alone —not she.
'I love violets best,' said the doctor ;
to her one day.
'And I roses.'
Minnie, being the least bit senti- j
meuti'.l, quoted Pope on roses—some
thing about dew. And the doctor went )
on Shak-peure, very bad indeed, til!
somehow, in some way—he never eoufii j
tell how, nor hi what way (neither
eoufii -he he said it.
See dictionary for 'it.'
'lndeed, I must not listen to this,"
murmured Minnie, dying to hear it a
gain. 'My father, if he knew—'
'Would disapprove, perhaps,' cried
the young doctor. 'And why? Be- ;
cause I am poor.' And you, too, per
haps—'
'No, no; I—l—you know—l—love—
you but—'
'Hark! Who culls?'
Enter Tommy. I
'ith, si-! pa'- took again: he's going
it awful!'
'What is it now, dear?' asked Min
nie, with the face of an angle ; but per
haps she was not a little cross at the
interruption.
'Oh, he's a sofa, and ma says please
somebody come aud smash him ail to
bit-.'
'What shall we do?' sighed Min
nie; 'that is the most ridiculous freak
of nil.'
'Dou't be frightened, my love,'said
thr doctor. 'Tommy, run right home
ami tell your mother 1 will oe there
in five minutes. Now, Minnie, there
is but one way I know of to cure your
father at once, and that is by giving
him a shock*'
'What! of electricity?'
'No, dear—far more powerful than
that. You must go to the little brown
hou-e ow r there and he married.'
'Oh never; my father would kill me.'
'Does he ever break his word?'
'1 never knew him to.'
'All right. Ho promised tne that if
I should ever get into trouble he would
hdp me out.'
'Did he. really? Then he will.'
'But it is neee.-sary that wo give hint
the check first. Delay not, my dar
ling; you shall never regret it.'
Of course they went.
'All I n-k is that nobody'll sit on me;
I'm orqeked. Beside, I'm just vanish
ed, an 1 not quite dry yet. I)o, my
dear, stand at the dour and tell people
a- they come in that I cannot be -at on
;or in any way me filled with. I'm -o
fiimsily fastened together.'
This Was the speech that greeted Dr.
Stagg as'he enter 1 Mr. Ltindy's par
lor with Minnie. Mr-. Lundv was in
| tears.
'Doctor, as soon as ever I get home
I'll have that ridiculous man carried
to the hospital- indeed I will,' cried
the poor woman. 'l've borne with it
long enough, and I'm completely worn
out.'
'So ant I, my dear,' piped up her
husband ; 'I suppose I'm second hand ;
shouldn't wonder in the least, my legs
feel so shaky. Pray don't touch me,
Isn't one roller gone, my dear?'
'Roller gone 1 your wits are gone. I
wish I wa- a man. I'd varnish yon in
such away that you'd never waut to
be c. siffa a gain, or any piece of furni
ture.
The doctor stood near gravely con
sidering.
'My dear you are better as you are,
for I see in the last five minutes you
have come out a beautiful washbowl
and pitcher. But isn't your nose a lit
tle cracked, or do I see awry?—
Shouldn't wonder, for my head is full
of bra-- lacks, I think I've snuffed
tin tit up my r.ose. It's worse than in
fluenza.'
'Was ever any po a* creature so afflic
ted?' murmured Mrs. Sofa—l mean
Mr-. Lundy.
'Never, my love. 1 protest that I
Couldn't be anything else if I would—
but a -ofa 1 ant, and I a poor one at
that.'
At that moment the doctor sprang
forward and planted himself upon the
the prostrated body of Mr. Lundy.
'Capital-ofa, thi-,' he said keeping
hi- position i ' f his victim's
struggle-.
'Get up, Urn cracking in six pei
' ecs. God heavens! you'll ruin me—
you'll break my back ! Get up till
I'm properly m n-h d, for pity's sake.'
'Upon my word,' said the doctor,
calmly, 'this piece of furuitnre acts as
if it was alive. It kicks and wriggles,
and it makes me laugh at it - antics.
What a ridiculious sofa ?"
'I tell you I'm second-hand!' cried
the hypochondriac more faintly than
before, for one hundred and thirty
pound-, dead weight, was no light in
fliction. 'l'm bra-ducked -old—very
old-dull of cracks—one roller gone. <>!
pray don't lean your weight on me.*
Tho<l >ctor lifted himself <• mtiou-ly.
The -ofa gave one deep Inspiration.
l ite doctor looked -eriou-.
'Are you miv you are a sofa?
'Ofcourse I am.'
'Then you are no longer Mr. Lun
dy ?'
'I am no longer Mr. Lundv.'
'Can you keep a -••erot ?'
'Certainly 1 can.'
'Do you know old Lundy's daugh
ter ?'
'I gIK-.-s 1 do.'
'Won't you let on to tho old fellow if
( I tell you .something?
'Not if you sav no'."
'Well, I've just married Iter. She's
my wife.'
Off went the sofa like a gun.
'What! You villiau.!'
'Take wire or you'll break ! cried the
doctor.
'Yo young rascal !
1 'You old sofa !'
'You desperate young thief!
'You rickeity old sofa, with your
; head full of brass tacks, I tell you,'
cried the doctor, 'if you had not been a
feather, and a rooster, and a sofa, and
the cats know what, you'd have look
ed afu r vo ir daughter better than you
have. But come, let's he friends, and
thank me for curing you. You'll
j never ilea hypochondriac again—l'll
take goodeare of that—for you see it s
a nice thing to have a m *dicul adviser
in tho family. Besides, you promised
me once that if I was in trouble you'd
help me through. Com , come, let us
) i>equits.'
'I see I can't help myself,' said the
: old man gravely ; 'but I tell you what,
I shall consider you a thief until you are
) able to support your wife in tiie style
she is accustomed to.'
'And I, sir, shall consider you a sofa
until you revoke that decision.'
It U needle.-- to ad 1, that was the
1 last of the trouble.
< ON vicnsio**.
One of the/."tiloas chaplains of the
army of the Potomac called on a
! Colonel noted for his profanity, in or
< der to talk about the religious interest
I of hD men. He was politely receiv
-1 ed, and motioned to a scat on a chest,
i when the following dialogue ensued :
Chaplain 'olonei, you have one of
1 the finest regiments in the army."
Colonel—"I believe so."
Chaphtiu—"l> you think you pay
sufficient attention to the religious in
struction of your men ?"
Colonel—doubtfully' "Weil I don't
know."
Chaplain—"A lively interest has
been awakened in the Massachu
setts, (arevival regiment.) The Lord
has blessed the laborers of his servants,
and ten have already been baptized.
Colonel—(exeiU-.liy) "Is that so!
(To tho attendant: Sergeant Major,
have fifteen men dot.ailed immediate
ly for baptism, I'll be d— d if I'll be
outdone by any regi
ment."
AN Irishman, on being told to grease
a wagon, returned in an hour after
wards and sail, "I've greased every
part of the wagt.H but them sticks th©
wh"ols hang on !"
DYING IVOIUIS OF GKICVT MEN,
The following are reported to be tlie
dying words of the men to whom
they are accredited:
Napoleon— Head of the army.
Byron—l must sleep now.
Goethe—Let the light enter.
Nelson —1 thank God I have done
my duty.
Washington—lt is well.
< .'hosterfield —< live Day telle a chair.
ltaleigh -It matter.- little how the
head licth.
Thurlow—l'm shot if I don't believe
I'm dying,
i Grotius—Be serious.
Cardinal Beaumont—What! is there
no bribing death ?
Sir Thomas Moore—l pray you see
me -afe up. and for my coming down,
let me shift for myself.
Burns—Don t let that awkward
squad lire over toy grave.
Franklin—A dying man can do
nothing easy.
Mirabeau—Let me die to the sound
of delicious tnu-ie.
Lawrence—Don't give up the ship.
Alfieri—Clasp my hand, my dear
friend; I die.
Walts r Scott —I feel as if I were my
self again.
Adams—lndependence forever.
Jefferson—l resign myself to God,
my daughter to my country.
John Quiney Adams -The last of
earth.
.* ddison—l have sent for you (Lord
Warwick i to see how a christian can
die.
George IV—And is tiiis death.
Edward Vl—Lord, take my spirit.
"AFTER one of the most active, ear
nest and untiring political contests ev
er witnessed in this country, the Re
publican party has achieved a signal
and a glorious triumph."— Exchange.
Not so fast. We can't see your "sig
nal and glorious triumph." For the
past eight years you havoi>een digging
trenches, building breastworks, lay
ing in stores, and buying recruits.—
You have pro .-tired the services of the
pulpit, and the "whiskey ring;" you
have made the seat of government "a
den of th fives, harlots," and corrupt
ion generally ; and have extended your
ramification- all over the country.—
You have established your paid hire
ling-. and tariff gatherers in every
county in the land. You have thrust
your hands into the pockets of the peo
ple to the extent of millions of money,
which you have shamefully used and
squandered to procure a further lease
of power. You had everything that
knave- could devise or treason invent;
and with pur- - filled with public
plunder, you went into the contest
armed and equipped to the teeth, to
defend your p -sition and retain your
booty.
You had everything to lose.
We had everything to gain.
Now, the buUlo is over, how stands
tiie field ?
Against your entrenchments, filled
with political Benchers, Treasury har
lots, "whiskey rings," public plun
derers, women murderers and Rev.
seducers of female virtue, the democ
racy array< lan army of two-and-a-half
millions of honest men, who fought
you hard and manfully ; broke through
your entrenchments, and, though they
failed to dislodge you, they captured
thirty odd members of Congress, and
sent them to luxuriate up Salt River;
among the number the notorious and
virtuous Jim Ashley, and others of kin
dred ilk.
Now, where is your "glorious tri
umph ?" With all your defensive ad
vantages, your bulwarks and trenches,
you have not captured a single man of
us. Your bombshells, laden with hate,
venom, treason to God and humanity,
have fallen harmless; our ranks are in
dismayed and unbroken. We hold
the ground we have taken, aud you
cannot drive us back. You may gloat
over your corrupt judges, your success
ful frauds at the polls, your defiance of
right and justice; we tell you, that our
march, the march of truth, justice and
right i- onward.
We have gained upon you ; and we
hold our position, and we do not in
tend to give it lip.
You have elected Grant. Have you
got him ? You are not certain of that
fact. If an honest conscientious man
—a friend of tho Union and of prosper
ity, you may find him less tractable
than even Johnson. lie has given you
no pledges; advised no policy. You
are as ignorant of him as we are.
What is more, you do not even
breath freely. Your .-pasmodic tri
umph dies away between your teeth.
You cannot even rai.-e a shout while
your great leader paa-es from four
months obscruity in Illinois, through
Ohio and Pennsylvania, to Wu-hiug
ton. — The J<ffer?onian.
WE do not know whether it is Mr.
TIIUREOW WEED who is to be cited as
authority for the fact, or whether it
comes from some other source; but a
special despatch from Washington to
the New York Commercial Advertiser
announces that a movement is on foot
to relieve General Grant, as soon as lie
) succeeds to the Presidency, from th
shackles imposed by Congress upon
Pre-iileiit Johnson. V\ e also learn
that the leading Radical.-and the office
holders, aim; .o a m,in, are decidedly
! opposed to any such action. But, as
it is understood that the Democratic
members of' Coiigre- s are preparing to
bring in a bill ,e-'oring full Execu
tive functions to the itecoming Presi
dent, an impression prevails "that the
Republicans will anticipate them, and
that such an n -t -to take effect from
the lih of March next—wilt by passed
. at thecoma m nvout of the Decem
ber liCSsiou.*'
Tha-r it m.'a are of tills kind 3s in
contemplation, and that.it should be
first promulgated by a Republican
journal, cerminly indicates at least a
desir" >ii the part of the more moder-
VOL. 6).-WHOLE No. 5,470.
ate Republicans to rut loose from (heir
Radical a -fxlatos by reinstating the
Executive and Judicial Departments
of the (iovcrument in the exercise of
tiu-ir normal functions. Of course,
the Radicals will vehemently oppose
so flagrant a reaction. The retention
of tie-so prohibitory laws is vital to the
success of the Radical programme.—
If it be conceded that the prerogatives
of the Executive ought not to he in
fringed, and if a similar afiirination in
regard to Judiciary should follow, all
the hopes of the Radicals to make Con
gress the paramount power in our sys
tem off; jvernmentwould besuddenlv
and effectually blasted.
I hat the officeholders are anxious
the existing state of things should not
be disturbed, is not at all surprising.—
At piesent, those who hold the most
lucrative places are protected in them
by Congress; and whatever may be
their misdeeds, they enjoy, virtually,
entire immunity from removal or pun
ishment. To take this~ihield away,
and leave the President free to appoint
whom lie thinks proper, would neees
sarially tend to disturb, very material
ly, the digestions of those who during
Mr. Johnson's term of office, have
watched with serene complacency his
futile efforts to rid himself of them.
We do not consider that it matters
much whether tiie Democrats or Con
servative Republican::- take the initia
tive in restoring to the incoming Pres
ident the full privileges of his office.
If the Republicans aspire to the honor
of being foremost in baffling the schemes
of their quondam associates, the Radi
cals, so much the better. In such a
cause the Democrats have only to give
to the movement their cordial support,
to make it an undoubted sueces-. But
by whomsoever it may he undertaken,
we know of nothing that might be
made more productive of good to the
whole country, and certainly nothing
that would more surely defeat the Rad
icals in their attempt to secure for Con
gress "a permanent controlling in
fluence over the Executive."
FOR TIIE BOYS-MISSPENT EVEN
INGS.—Our cotemporary of the Phila
delphia Keening S'ne very justly re
marks that the boy who spends an
hour each evening lounging idly on a
street corner, wastes, in the course; of a
single year, three hundred and sixty
five precious hours, which, if applied
to study, would familiarize him with
the rudiments, at least, of almost any
of the familiar sciences. If, in addition
to the wasting of an hour each evening
he spends five cents for a cigar, which
is usually the case, the amount, thus
worse than wasted, would pay for four
of the leading magazines of the coun
try. Boys, think of these things.—
Think of how much precious time
you are wasting, and for what? The
gratification afforded by the lounge on
the corner, or by the cigar, is not only
temporary but positively hurtful. You
cannot indulge in those practices with
out seriously injuringyourselves. You
acquire idie and wasteful habits, which
will cling to you through life and grow
upon you with each succeeding year.
You may in after life shake them off;
but the probabilities are that habit
thus formed in early life will remain
with you till your dying day. Be cau
tioned then in time, and as the hour
spent in idlenes has gone forever, you
will improve each passing one, and
thereby fit yourself for usefullness and
happiness.
WARM BED FOR PIGS. —If pigs are
kept warm and dry during the win
ter they will do much better for it.
In building a straw stack, it is very
well to provide a shelter at one side or
end of the same. A pen may be built
at one side or end of the stack, around
and over the pen, leave a gap suitable
f>r the pigs to pass in and out, and it
will make a delightful house for them,
and they may sleep there warm and
comfortably in the coldest weather.
My neighbor, who is noted for his
good care of his stock, uses this plan
fur his hogs, and it well repays him
for his labor, and I have found it equal
ly useful.
SOIL FOR FI.OWF.ICS. —Leaf mould is
very good for flowers if two or three
years old, and very much decayed;
when hut half rotted it is an injury.
Rotten sod is the best sod for flowers,
and cow manure, which has lain two
years to rot, the best fertilizer. When
rotten sod is not easily obtained, the
edging, parings of walks may be pre
served in a heap for flower purposes.
Two friends were dining together ,
one of them remarked: "As lam go
ing abroad 1 have made my will, and
have bequeathed to you my whole
stock of impudence." The other re
plied : "You are generous as well as
kiud ; you have bequeathed to me by
far the largest portion of your estate,"
A theoretically benevolent man on
being asked by a friend to loan liiui a
dollar, answered, briskly, "wiih plea
sure but suddenly added, "Dear me,
how unfortunate! I've only one lend
ing dollar, and" that is out."
Before yon acquire a taste for whis
ky, insure your life aud take farewell
to your family. The certain death
which whisky brings is only a question
'of time. He is always bearing sureiy
down upon his victim, like a strong
man armed, and comes inevitably as.
fate or taxes.
Mr. Pevvltt say-' thai a married
couple should be called three, instead
of oue; because the woman is Won and
the man, too.
If a man waits pat ently while a wo
man is putting on her timig to go
"shopping," he will make a hu--
band.
English railroads are now compelled
to run -moking cars on all trains,