Ibe peculator's Column.
rpHE BEDFORD REGULATOR,
No. 2 ANDERSON'S ROW
IRVINE A STATLER
Are again in the field battling against the imposi
tion of high prices and would respectfully inform
their friends and the public generally that tbey
have just received a large and varied assortment
of goods, consisting of
Boots and Shoes,
Muslins and Tickings,
Notions and Perfumery,
Groceries and Spices,
Queensware and Glassware,
Tobacco and Segars,
White & Colored Shirts,
Cotton & Woolen Yarns,
Trunks & Valises,
Brooms A Twines,
&c., Ac.
Call at No. 2 ANDERSON'S ROW.
If you want a goodp'r Boots, go to the Regulator.
QUR STOCK OF BOOTS & SHOES
are full and complete.
BOOTS, SHOES, BALMORALS, GAITERS and
SLIPPERS, Ac.,
to fit any man, woman and child in the county.
Ljp" Measures taken for Ladies and Gentlemen
and neat and complete fits warranted or no sale.
At IRVINE & STATLER'S, No. 2 A.'s Row.
If you want a good p'r Shoes, go to the Regulator.
Q. R O• C ERIES.—
Prime Rio Coffee, - 25 to 30 cents per lb.
do La Guayra. - 25 to 30 " " "
White Sugar, - 18 " '* "
Light Brown Sugars, - 12i to 15 " •" "
Teas, - $1 50 to 2.00 per lb.
Spices, all kinds, cheap and good.
Bejt quality Syrups and Molasses, at the lowest
market prices, at '-The Regulator's," No. 2 A. R.
If you want good Toilet Soap or Perfumery, go to
the Regulator.
"JJNBLEACHED and BLEACHED
MUSLINS,
From the best Manufactories in the country.
Bleached and Unbleached Muslins from 12io up.
Sheeting, ----- from 18c up.
Tickings, all grades and prices, at
IRVINE A STATLER'S.
If you want a good Shirt, go to the Regulator.
QUR NOTIONS ARE AT ALL
TIMES FULL AND COMPLETE in
.Shirts, Collars,
Neck-Ties, Soaps,
Gloves, Hosiery,
Perfumery,
Suspenders,
Combs, Threads,
Buttons, Wallets,
Brushes, * Thimbles,
Pins,
Needles,
Sewing Silk,
Linen and Cotton Handkerchiefs,
Shaving Cream,
4&C., &c., &c.
At No. 2 Anderson's Row
If you want a variety of Notions, go to the Reg'r.
and PERFUMERY.
Letter and Fools-cap Paper, Envelopes,
Perfumery, all kinds of Toilet Soap, Tooth Brush
es, Ac., At THE REGULATOR'S.
If you want Queensware er Glassware, go to the
Regulator.
QUEENSWABE & GLASSWARE.
We have a large and magnificent selection of
Queensware and Glassware, of the latest and most
fashionable patterns, and will be sold at the most
reasonable prices, by
IRVINE A STATLER.
If you want good Spices of any kind, go to the
Regulator.
rjiOBACCO AND SEGARS of the
best brands and manufacture:
Gravely,
Oronoke Twist,
Century Fine-cut,
Cavendish, *
Baltimore Twist,
Natural Leaf,
Congress,
Ac.. Ac.
Smoking Tobacco, all kinds.
Segars from a Cheroot to the finest article.
Also, a large assortment of Pipes,
yp Call at No. 2 Anderson's Row.
If you want good Hosiery, Gloves, Neck-ties col
lars, Ac., go to the Regulator.
HAVE EVERYTHING that
is usually kept in a No. 1 country store.
ty MARKETING of all kinds taken in ex
change FOR GOODS, and the highest prices paid.
Any goods desired will be ordered from the Eas
tern cities
yp Country merchants supplied with goods at
a small advance. No trouble to show goods. All
we ask is a call and we feel satisfied we can please
ALL. Thankful for past favors, we solicit a con
tinuance of the same.
apr2B,'67. IRVINE A STATLER.
If you want anything in our line goto the Bed
ford Regulator, No. 2, Anderson's Row.
@l)£ Hkiiforii #a?ette.
BY MEYERS & MENGEL.
GAVE YOUR GREENBACKS ! !
You can SA VE 25 per cent, by purchasing your
GOODS at the CHEAP BARGAIN S TORE of
G. R. & W. OSTER,
BEDFORD, PA.
They are now opening a large and handsome as
sortment of NEW and CHEAP DRY-GOODS,
Ready-Made Clothing, Carpet, Cotton Yarns,
Hats, Boots and Shoes, Sun-Umbrellas , Para
sols, Groceries, Qneensware, Tobaccos and Ci
gars, Wall Papers, Wooden-ware, Brooms, bfc.
LOOK AT SOME OF THEIR PRICES :
Best styles DELAxNES, 221 and 25 cts.
CALICOES, 9, 10, 12, 14, 15, 16, 18, 20 cts.
GINGHAMS, 12, 15, 20, 25 cts.
MUSLINS, 9, 10, 12, 15, 18, 20, 22, 25 cts.
CASSIMERES. 75, 85, 115, 125, 150, 165 cts.
LADIES' 6-4 SACKING, $1.65, 1.75, 2.00,
all wool.
DRILLING and PANTALOON STUFFS,
20. 25, 30, 35 cts
GENTS' HALF-HOSE, 10,12, 15, 20, 25, 30,
35 cts.
LADIES' HOSE, 121, 18, 20, 25, 30 , 35 cts.
LADIES' SHOES as low as 90 cts.
Good Rio COFFEE, 25 cts.; better, 28 cts.;
best, 30 cts.
Extra fine OOLONG, JAPAN, IMPERIAL
and YOUNG HYSON TEAS.
SUGARS and SYRUPS, a choice assort-
ment.
MACKEREL and HERRING, late caught,
fat fish.
ty We invite all to call and see for themselves.
A busy store and increasing trade, is a telling
fact that their prices are popular.
Terms CASH, unless otherwise specified.
may24m3.
gPLENDID
OPENING of
CHEAP .
SPRING and
SUMMER *
GOODS,
AT
FARQUHAR'S
New Bargain Store,
REED'S BUILDING.
CALICOES, (good) - 12ic.
do (best) - - 18c.
MUSLINS, brown, - - 10c.
do (best) - - 20c.
do bleached, - 10c.
do (best) - - 25c.
best styles, - 25c.
DRESS GOODS
of all kinds
VERY CHEAP.
MEN'S and BOYS'
COTTON ADES,
GOOD and CHEAP.
A large stock of
FANCY
ALL WOOL
CASS I MERES
ASTONISH
INGLY
CHEAP.
BOOTS
AND
SHOES.
MEN'S
AND
BOYS'
HATS.
GROCERIES:
Best COFFEE, - - 30c
Brown SUGAR - from 10 to 15c
FISH :
Mackerel and Potomac Herring.
QUEENSWARE
and a general variety of
NOTIONS.
Buyers are invited to examine
our stock as we are determined to
to sell cheaper than the cheapest.
J. B.
mayl7
| MEW GOODS!! NE W GOODS!!
The undersigned has just received from the East a
large and varied stock of New Goods,
which are now open for
examination, at
MILL-TOWN,
two miles West of Bedford, comprising everything
usually found in a first-class country store,
consisting, in part, of
Dry-Goods,
Delaines,
Calicoes,
Muslins,
Cassimers,
Boots and Shoes,
Groceries,
Notions.
&c., &c.
All of which will be sold at the most reasonable
prices.
ty Thankful for past favors, we solicit a con
tinuance ot the public patronage.
|y Call and examine our goods.
may24,'67. G. YEAGER
CJLIP BILLS, PROGRAMMES
O POSTERS, and all kinds of PLAIN AND
FANCY JOB PRINTING, done with neatness
and despatch, at THE GAZETTE office.
TERMS OF PUBLICATION.
THE BEDFORD GAZETTE is published every Fri
day morning by METERS & MBNSEL, at $2.00 per
annum, if paid strictly in advance; $2.50 if paid
within six months; $3.00 if not paid within six
months. All subscription accounts MUS Tbe
settled annually. No paper will be sent out of
the State unless paid for IN ADVANCE, and all such
subscriptions will invariably be discontinued at
the expiration of the time for which they are
paid.
All ADVERTISEMENTS for tt less term than
three months TEN CENTS per line for each in
ertion. Special notices one-half additional All
esoluti'ns of Associations; communications of
imited or individual interest, and notices of mar
riages and deaths exceeding five line.-, ten cents
er line. Editorial notices fifteen cents per line.
All legal Notices of every kind, and Orphans'
Court and Judicial Sales, are required by law
to be published in both papers published in this
place.
All advertising due after first insertion.
A liberal discount is made to persons advertising
by the quarter, half year, or year, as follews :
3 months. 6 months. 1 year.
♦One square - - - $4 50 $6 00 $lO 00
Two squares '• - • 600 900 16 00
Three aquares - - - 8 00 12 00 20 00
Quarter column - - 14 00 20 00 35 00
Half column - - - 18 00 25 00 45 00
One column - - - - 30 00 45 00 80 00
♦One square to occupy one inch of space.
JOB PRINTING, of every kind, done with
neatness and dispatch. THE GAZETTE OFFICE has
just been refitted with a Power Press and new type,
and everything in the Printing line can be execu
ted in the most artistic manner and at the lowest
rates.—TERMS CASH.
All letters should be addressd to
MEYERS & MENGEL,
Publishers.
Ik ffdiottl iterte.
1/A I'TO- DA-FE.
In the hush of the winter midnight—
In the hush of the sleeping house
When no wierd wind stirs in the gloomy firs
The spirits of storm to rouse.
When never a glint of moonlight
Gleams from a great black sky,
By the red fire's glow, as it smoulders low.
We crouch, my letters and I.
My letters, they lie where I tossed them,
On the crimson hearth-rug there,
Si ill vivid and bright, in the ruddy light,
As cobras in their lair.
1 push the hair from my forehead,
That burns and throbs so fast,
Thinking the while, with a strange dull smile,
Of the task I must do at last.
Who knows but I, the comfort
Those foolish letters have been ?
The depth and scope—the strength and hope—
Of those "leaves" that are always "green ?"
Who knows but I, how sadly,
To-morrow, I and my dream,
By the ashes gray will weep and say,
"Woe's me for that vanished gleam."
"The gleam of idle gladness,
The glimmer of memories bright,
That hid in each line of those letters of mine,
Those letters I burn to-night?"
Ah, well! the dream was a folly,
Its joy was an idle thing,
Its hope was a lie, and its loyalty
Died of a whisper's sting.
So a kiss—the last—to my letters,
A resolute hand and—there !
Do the sad dark eyes of my Paradise
Meet mine through the fierce flame's flare?
Temple Bar.
DEATH AT TIIE BREAKFAST TABLE.
—Robert Bruce, a celebrated Scotch
minister, sat at his breakfast table one
morning. Having eaten a boild egg,
he turned to his daughter and said:
"1 think I am yet hungry, you may
bring me another egg."
He then grew thoughtful a moment,
and, musing a little, added—
"Hold, daughter, hold! my Master
calleth me."
Here his sight failed him, but calling
for a Bible he requested his daughter to
place his finger on Romans 9, 38, 39.
This being done he repeated the verse,
dwelling especially on "I am persuaded
that neither life nor death shall be able
to separate me from the love of God,
which is in Christ Jesus my Lord."—
He then said:
"God be with you, my children. I
have breakfasted with you, and shall
sup with my Lord Jesus this night."
These were his last words, for, with
out a shiver or a groan, he at once star
ted on his flight to everlasting glory.
Reader, .you breakfasted with your
famly circle this morning. Suppose,
like the good Mr. Bruce, you should
die suddenly to day, with whom would
you sup to-night?
MEN AND WOMEN.— Men love things
—as facts, possessions, and estates; and
women, persons; and while a man re
gards only abstr. ct scientific facts; a
woman looks only at the person in
whom they are embodied. Even in
childhood the little girl loves an imita
tion of humanity—her doll—and works
for it; the boy gets a hobby horse or
tools, and works with them. But the
noblest quality wherewith nature has
endowed woman for the good of the
world is love—that love which seeks no
sympathy and no return. The child is
the object of love, kisses and watching,
and answers them only by complaint
and anger; and the feeble creature that
requires the most repays the least. But
the mother goes on; her love only
grows stronger the greater the need
and the unthankfulnessof its object;
and while fathers prefer the strongest
of their children, the mother feels more
love for the feeble and garrulous.
"THERE'S our Jeremiah,"said MR. s.,
"he went oft' to get his living by his
wits." "Well, did he succeed ?" in
quired his friend. "No," said the old
man tapping his forehead, "he failed for
want of capital.
"IT IS a shame, husband, that I have
to sit here mending your old clothes!"
"Don't say a word about it wife; the
least said, the sooner mended."
BEDFORD, PA., FRIDAY MORNING, AUGUST 9, 1867.
|From the La Crosse Democrat.]
DESCRIPTION OF THE GAME OF BASE
B A I.E.
Eureka!
Look at that brace of hands, once
soft and pretty, now suffused with
Egyptian blushes. Then look into
those optics and tell us tales of sympa
thy. And look at that Mount Tom on
our right cheek-bone. Base ball! That
is the row.
It came about thus. Sedentary em
ployment is too irksome for the sys
tem. The Doctor said we needed ex
ercise. Doctor knows. He told us to
join base ballwe joined. Bought a
book of instructions, and for five days
studied it wisely, if not too well. Then
we bought a sugar scoop cap, a red
belt, a green shirt, yellow trousers,
pumpkin colored shoes, a paper collar,
and purple neck-tie, and, with a lot of
other delegates, moved gently to the
ground.
There were two nines. These nines
were antagonists. The ball is a pretty
little drop of softness, the size of a
goose egg, and five degrees harder than
a brick. The two nines play against
each other. It is a quiet game, much
like chess, only a little more chase than
chess.
There was an umpire. His position
is a hard one. He sits on a box, and
yells "fowl."
I took the bat. It is a murderous
plaything, descended from Pocahontas
to the head of John Smith. The man
in front of me was a pitcher. He was
a nice pitcher, but he sent the balls hot.
The man behind was a pitcher. He
caught it, too!
The umpire said "play." It is the
most radical play I know of, this base
ball. Sawing cord wood is moonlight
rambles beside base ball. So the pitch
er sent a ball toward me. It looked
pretty coming; so I let it come. Then
he sent another. I hit it with the club,
and hove it gently upward. Then I
started to walk to the first base. The
ball lit in the pitcher, or his hands, and
somebody said he caught a fly. Alas,
poor fly ! I walked leisurely toward
the base. Another man took the bat
I turned to see how he was making it,
and a mule kicked me on the cheek.
The man said it was the ball. It felt
like a mule, and I reposed on thegrass.
The ball went on !
Pretty soon there were two more flies,
and three of us flew out. Then the
other nine came in, and us nine went
out. This was better. Just as I was
standing on my dignity in the left field,
a hot ball, as they called it, came sky
rocketing toward me. My captain yell
ed, "Take it!"
I hastened gently forward to where
the ball was aiming to descend. I have
a good eye to measure distance, and
saw at a glance where the aerolite was
to light. T put up my hands. How
sweetly the ball descended. Every
body looked—l felt something warm'in
my eye! 'Muffin!" yelled ninety fel
lers. '"Muffin' be d d! It's a
cannon ball!" For three days I've
had two pounds of raw beef on that
eye, and jet it paineth!
Then I wanted to go home, but my
gentle captain said "nay." So I nayed
and stayed. Pretty soon it was my
strike. "Brick to bat!" yelled the um
pire. I vent, but not all serene, as was
my wont. The pitcher sent in one hip
high. I missed it. Hesent in another
neck high. It struck me in the gullet.
"Fowl," yelled the umpire. He sent
in the ball again. This time I took it
square and sent it down the right field,
through a parlor window—a kerosene
lamp, and rip up against the head of an
infant who was quietly taking its—nap
in his or its mother's arms.—Then I
slung the bat and meandered forth to
the first base. I heard high words and
looked. When I slung the bat I had
with it broken the jaw of the umpire,
and was fined ten cents.
The game went on. I liked it. It
is so much fun to run from base to base
just in time to be put out, or to chase a
ball three-fourths of a mile down hill
while all the spectators yell "muffin !"
"go it!" "home run!" "go round
again!" or "go round a dozen times!"
Base ball is a sweet little game. When
it came my turn to bat again, I noticed
everybody moved back about ten rods!
The new umpire retreated twelve rods.
He was timid! The pitcher sent 'em in
hot. Hot balls in time of war are
good. But I don't like 'em too hot for
urn. After a while I got a fair clip at
it, and you bet it went, cutting the
daisies down the right field. A fat man
and his dog sat in the shade of an oak
enjoying the game. The ball broke
one leg of the dog, and landed like a
runaway engine in the corporosity ol
the fat man. He was taken home to
die.
Then I went on a double-quick to the
field, and tried to stop a hot ball. It
came toward me from the bat at the
rate of nine miles a minute. I put up
my hands, the ball went sweetly sing
ing on its way with all the skin Irom
my palms with it.
More raw beef!
That was an eventful chap who first
invented base ball' It's such fun. I've
played five games, and this is the glow,
ing result:
Twenty-seven dollars paid out or
things.
One bunged eye, badly bunged.
One broken little finger.
One bump on the head.
Nineteen laine backs.
A sore jaw.
One thumb dislocated.
Three sprained ankles.
Five swelled legs.
One dislocated shoulder, from trying
to throw a ball a thousand yards.
Two hands raw from trying to stop
hot balls.
A lump the size of a hornet's nest on
my left hip, well back.
A nose sweetly jammed, and five
uniforms spoiled from rolling in the
dirt at the bases.
1 have played two weeks, and don't
think 1 like the game. There is not a
square inch on, in, or under me but
aches. I sleep nights dreaming of hot
balls, "flys," "fouls ," and descending
"sky rockets." I never worked so
hard since Ruth stole wheat, and never
was so lame since the burning of Lu
ther. #
But lam .proud of my proficiency
in the game. It's fine exercise—a lit
tle easier than being run through a
threshing machine, and not much
either. It's a nice game for a poet or
orator—'twill make one sore beyond
all accounts.
I've looked over the scorer's book,
and find that in two weeks I've broken
seven bats, made one tally, broken one
umpire's jaw, broken ten windows in
adjoining houses, killed a baby, broke
the leg of a dog, anil mortally injured
the bread-basket of a spectator, knock
ed five other players out of time by
slinging my bat, and knocked the wa
ter-fall from a school-marm who was
standing twenty rods from the field, a
quiet looker-on.
I've used up fifteen bottles of arnica
liniment, five bottles of lotion, half a
raw beef, and am so full of pain that it
seems as if my bones were but broken
bats, and my legs the limbs of a dead
horse-chesnut, instead of the once ele
gant trotters of
Bawlingly thine,
"BRICK" POMEROY.
P. S.—All the ladies in favor of "u
-niversal suffering",are invited to join
our club! B. P.
A EOGAN COUNTY QUAKER SEES
♦•SUM IIIMiS."
Some months ago, a quaker widower
of this country, concluded to bless him
self with a second wife, chose one ac
corrtfngly from a very strong "manhood
suffrage locality, and took her to his
hqine for an helpmeet. Happy! Thrice
happy Quaker! The golden hours on
angel's wings flew o'er him and his
dearie. Fact. And they used to sit
together and read the Bellefontaine
Republican of Sunday evenings, and
under its soporific influence,doze and
nod in their chairs, and dream bright
dreams of niggerhood suffrage and the
Rump Congress. "Visions 'tis rapture
to recall." And sometimes in those
dreams they would imagine that the
word "white" was stricken from the
Constitution, and start from their slum
bers in ecstacies of joy. And thus the
pensive autumn receded before the
stern breath of winter, and anon the
spring time came, "gentle Annie,"and
with it hyacinths, and bird carols, and
into the household of our Quaker— a
NIGGER BABY, a baby with the icord
lohite stricken out! That's so! that's
what's the matter! Whether the
Quaker thinks more of it, or not quite
so much, as if it were of his own body,
is not known at this writing. We
have sent him the touching narra
tive of Hill Flicker Snicker, by Brick
Pomeroy, so that if he is disposed to be
unhappy over his domestic arrange
ments, he can sing, "datdam old Stone
wall Jackson song, who's pin here since
I'se been gone?" or, who's pin here
before I came? as the case may be.—
Let this little nigger be christened Jay.
Q iay Campbell, and the eternal fitness
of things, all round, will have been
appropriately preserved. Roll on the
ball! The negro wears the palm !
Bellefontaine Gazette.
CAGED iris KEEPER.— The Milwau
kee Wisconsin furnishes another in
stance of the outwitting of a sane man
by a crazy man. it says?
Recently a Milwaukee police officer
was detailed to take an insane man to
an asylum. The man went along qui
etly until the end of the journey was
reached, and instead of being deliver
ed to the officers of the asylum, very
quietly delivered the astonished officer
who before he had an opportunity for
an explanation, found himself locked
up in a cell, and was told that a straight
jacket awaited him if he made any de
monstrations, The insane man went
away, having done his work in a very
systematic manner, and was very soon
after boasting of what he had done.
The officer, as soon as he could get the
manager of the asylum to listen to him
made an explanation and sent for ah
acquaintance, who very soon set mat
ters to rights. Search was made for the
insane man, and ho was found detail
ing his exploits, and very soon taken
care of. The officer thinks he will look
a little sharper next time:
FACTS ABOUT LIFE.— The total num
ber of human beings on the earth is
computed at 8,000,000,000, and they
speak 3000 known tongues.
The average duration of life is esti
mated at 331 years.
One fourth of those born die before
they are 7 years old, and one half at
the age of 17.
Out of one hnndred persons only six
reached the age of GO.
Sixty persons die every minute.
Tall people live longer than short
ones.
At a recent railroad celebration the
following sentiment was given : "Our
mothers the only faithful tenders who
never misplaced a switch.
VOL. 62.-—WHOLE No. 5,404.
A TOITHISO P ASS VGF.
How eloquently does Chateaubriand
reply to the inquiry, "is there a God ?":
"There is a God! The herbs of the
valley, the cedars of the mountain bless
Him ; thp insects sport in His beams;
the elephant salutes Him with the ris
ing orb of day; the tbunder proclaims
Him in the Heavens; the ocean declares
His immensity; man alone has said,
'there is no God!' Unite in thought
at the same instant the most beautiful
objects in nature; suppose that you see
at once all the hours of the day and all
the seasons of the year; a morning of
spring and a morning of autumn; a
night bespangled with stars and a night
covered with clouds; meadows enamel
ed with flowers and hoary with snow;
fields gilded by tints of autumn ; then
alone you will have a just conception
of the universe. While you are gazing
upon that sun which is plunging un
der the vault of the West, another ob
server admires him emerging from the
gilded gates of the East. By what in
conceivable magic does that aged star
which is sinking fatigued and burning
in the shade of the evening, re-appear
at the same instant, fresh and humid
with the rosy dews of morning! At
every instant of the day the glorious
orb is at once rising, resplendent at
noon-day, and setting in the West; or
rather our senses deceive us, and there
i., properly speaking, no East, West,
North or South in the world. Every
thing reduces itself to a single point,
from whence the King of Day sends
fourth at once a triple light in one sub
stance. The bright splendor is perhaps
that which nature can present that is
most beautiful, for while it gives us an
idea of the perpetual magnificence and
resistless power of God, it exhibits at
the same time a shining image of the
glorious Trinity."
THRILLING ENCOUNTER.— We learn
from the last Boonsboro' Odd Fellow,
that Prof. J. Mitchell, known as the
"South Mountain Wizard," had a
thrilling adventure with a den of snakes
on the 7th ult. The Professor was out
gunning when hesuddenly came in eon
tact with a snake, which heencountered,
and was met by his snakeship in a de
fiant manner. On the second attempt
to injure his enemy, the Professor suc
ceeded in dealing a mortal wound.—
No sooner had he thus despatched the
first than a second made his appearance,
coming directly at him, with head e
rect, above five feet from the ground,
and his forked tongue extended to its
fullest length. The Professor dis
patched this one with a ball from his
carbine. A third one instantly came to
the rescue, and halted within a few feet
of the Professor, who discharged his
carbine, without effect, whereupon the
monster (measuring about eleven feet)
closed upon his adversary, and wound
his slimy folds about his person. The
Professor was at that moment staring
death and the snake in the face, and
it was considerable time before he could
command the presence of mind to draw
his hijnting knife, and sever the snake
in two. After this was done, notcaring
to continue the battle, he beat preci
pitate retreat, leaving the snakes, which
were advancing from all sides in count
less numbers, to vent their spleen un
molested, and mourn the loss of three
of their number, wljo had met an un
timely death. •
Ax "Alabamian," in a Mobile pa
per, who has been in Boston, thus hits
oif the prohibitory law: "Boston seems
to be growing worse every day in in
tolerance. They won't allow a eiicus
to have a horizontal bar, or a band of
'tumblers.' 'Trance mediums' are for
bidden to practice because they call in
theaid of spirits, 'Opticians' are watch
ed, because it is said people get their
glasses there. The London 'Punch'
and'Wilkes'Spirits'are forbidden to
be sold by the periodical dealers.
Apothecaries are forbidden to sell liq
uorice.—People are nut allowed to eat
sour apples, and are liable to be arrest
ed for being in high spirits. Children
who complain of stomach ache are lock
ed up for fear it might be shampaign.
Men are arrested on suspicion of being
distillers who are caught 'rectifying
mistakes,' Hotels have had to take;
'rain omelets' and 'wine sauce' off their
bills of fare. All bookstores selling
histories containing an account of the
'Battle of Brandy wine' are closed at
once. Dead people cannot be buried
on a bier. Vessels are not to come in
to a harbor, because they have to pass
a bar in doing so; and sea captains are
not allowed to make any 'port in storm'
—if they do, they must tell where they
got it. Enterprising men dare not
show any public spirit;—and even poor
washer-women can only dry two sheets
at a time, as any one is liable to arrest
who has 'three sheets in the wind.'"
A LADY asked a gentleman the other
day, why so many tall gentlemen were
bachelors'? The reply was that they
were obliged to lie crosswise in bed to
keep their feet in, and that a wife
would be in the way.
AN active officer who recently arres
ted a savage blow has since further dis
tinguished himself stopping a flying re
port and catching a violent cold.
AN Irish absentee is said to have
sent this comforting message to his
steward:—"tell the tenants that no
threats to shoot you will terrify me."
A HUSBAND on being told the other
evening that his wife had lost her tem
per, said he was glad of it, for it was a
very bad one.
ABO LITI OVISTS.
The word "Abolitionist" is derived
from the transitive verb abolish , which
: Webster defines as follows: "Abolish —
i 1. To make void; toannul; to abrogate;
applied chiefly and appropriately to es
tablished laws, contracts , rites, customs,
and institutions. 1. To destroy." Now
let us see what our Abolitionists have
abolished , desh oyed, annulled and 1 iade
void:
They have abolished liberty.
They have abolished the Union.
They have abolished the Constitution.
They have abolished trial by jury.
They have abolished the laws and the
courts.
They have abolished t6n States.
They have abolished a Republican
form of government.
They have abolished the peace and
fraternity of the country.
They have abolished ail respect for a
written Constitution,
i They have abolished the saeredness
of the church.
They have abolished the freedom of
speech.
They have abolished the freedom of
the press.
They have abolished the freedom of
opinion.
They have abolished all that the late
war was waged for.
They have abolished all that our fore
fathers fought for.
They have abolished gold and silver.
They have abolished equal rights to
all.
They have abolished equal taxation.
They have abolished economy and
honesty in the administration of the
government.
They have abolished low prices, cheap
living, good times and the general pros
perity.
They have abolished the cotton crop,
and the millions of gold resulting from
our exports.
They have abolished a million of lives.
They have abolished from three to
six thousand million of treasure.
They have abolished our southern
market.
They have abolished our commerce
upon the seas.
They have abolished our indepen
dence of Eastern manufactures and iron
mongers.
They have abolished representation
as a corrollary of taxation.
They have abolished the United States
Senate.
They have abolished the United
States House of Representatives.
They have abolished the United
States.
With such a record and such achiev
ments only to boast of what more appro
priate name could they bear than that
of "Abolitionists?"
A DOUBLE SATIRE.— The annexed
has a sufficiently wide application to be
appreciated by the married people of
either sex:
Traveling Husband. —Seene Ist. Room
in hotel. Spittoons full of cigaf stumps.
Bourbon \|Jiisky. Husband in a hurry
to be off, writing home:
DEAREST SUSIE. —My time is so oc
cupied with business that 1 can hardly
spare a moment to write to you. Oh,
darling, how I miss you and the only
thing that sus ains me during my ab
sence is the thought t hat every moment
thus spent is for the benefit of my d<jar
wife and children. Take good care of
yourself, my dear. Feed the baby on
our cow's milk. Excuse haste, etc.
Wife at home.— Scene 2d Parlor. All
the gas lit. Thirteen grass widows;
Fred, from around the corner, with his
violin; Jim, from above, with hisguit
ar; Sam, from below, with his flute;
lots of other fellows, with their instru
ments. Dancing and singing; side
board with nuts, fruit-cake, cream,
wine, whisky, etc. Wife in a hurry
to dance, writing to husband
DEAR HUBBV : How lonesome I am
in your absence. The hours pass tedi
ously. Nobody calls on me, and lam
only constantly thinking of the time
when you will be home, and your cheer
ful countenance light up the now dreary
.routine of every day life. My house
hold duties keep me constantly em
ployed. lam living as economically as
possible, knowing that your small in
come will not admit of frivolous ex
penses. But, now, dear, I will say
good by, or I will be too late for the
monthly concert of prayer. In haste,
yours, etc.
PRESERVING POTATOES.—A corres
pondent of i lie Scientific American says
that he has tried the following meth
od of keeping potatoes for years with
complete success, though in some in
stances the tubers were diseased when
taken out of the ground: "Dust over
th floor of the bin with lime and put
in about six or seven inches deep of [io
ta toes, and dust with lime as before.
Put in six or seven inches of potatoes
and lime again; repeat the operation
until all are stored away. One bushel
of lime will do for forty bushels of po
tatoes, though more will not hurt them
—the lime rather improving the flavor
than otherwise."
SEE TO SEVEN-THIRTIES.— Every
man, woman and other fellow, who may
be lucky enough to own or hold Uni
ted States 7 30 notes, are reminded that
they have only until the 15th day of
next August to present them to the
Treasury Department fo. their conver
sion into 5-20 bonds. After that time
the Department will hoid that the hold
ers of the 7-30'S have elected to be paid
rather than to convert the no es; and
our Government will then proceed to
pay off the unconverted balance. As
there are many individuals interested
in the financial matter who may delay
giving it timely attention, they had
better move in it at once, and thereby
secure the advantage which the Gov
ernment still holds out to them.
LIVE SO as to be prepared for a short
life and you may ornament many years
hapily.