VOL.CJHE X7.
NEW SERIES.
NPHE BEDFORD GAZETTE
IS PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY MORNING
RV B. F. MEYCKS,
At th following terms, to wil:
$1 .150 per annum, CASH, in advance.
$2.00 " " if paid within the year.
*2.50 11 it' not paii within the year
fry-No subscription trkcn lor !** than sis months
paper discontinued until all arrearages an
oaid, unless at iheopiion of the pui o w. it ha
•reen decided by the United Stat- "mrls.tha: tn
toppaeofa newspaper without . vay "ent ot ar
reams-*, is prima facte evidence oi Ira. lit and is I
Qy't'he courts have decided (hat persons are ac
countable tor the subscription price o' newspapers
it thej take them from the post oißce.whctoer the;
subscribe for them, or not.
TEE SCEOOL-K ASJL'ER'E SOKG.
A PARODY ON HOODS SONS OF THE SHIRT.
With talking weary and worn,
With eyelids heavy nd red,
A schoolmaster sat in his threadbare co?t,
Plying nis tongue and heaJ.
Teach ! teach ! teach !
'Mid poverty, cepsure and wrong,
And still, with a voice of dolorous pitch.
He sang "The Schoolmaster's Song."
Teach—teach —teach !
While the cock is crowing aloef;
An-' teach—teaeh —teach !
Till the stars shine through the roof.
It's oh, to be a slave—
To be quarterd and roasted as pork,l
In Africa's centre, at a "Feast of the Brave,'
It this is Christian work !
Teach—teach —teach
Till the brain begins to swim j
Teach—teach —teach !
Til! the eyes are heavy and dim,}
Writing, and spelling, and reading,
And reading, and spelling, and writing;
Till over their noddles I fall asleep,
And dreaming still heai them reciting.
Oh, patron* with horses dear 1
Oh, men who love your wives,
It is not broadcloth you're wearing out,
But human creatures' lives !
Teach—teach —teach .
Without cash or negotiable note,
Earning at once, in a double reward,
A shroud as well as a coat.
But why do 1 ta'k of death,
That phantom of grizzly bone T
1 bardly fear this terrible shape,
It seems so like my own.
1? seems so like my own
.he -t -nl 1 I —* . .. „
O God, that bread should be so dear,
And brains should be so cheap I
Teach—teach —teach!
My labor never flags :
And what are its wages ? A haggard face-
Disease, and a coat in lags —
Dishonor and honor, a kick and a ptifT,
Ingratitude's horrible stare;
And despair so blank, my tears I thank,
For sometimes falling there !
Teach—teach—teach,
From weary chime to chime i
Tiach—teach—teach,
As prisoners work for crime.
Spelling, and writing, and reading,
And reading, and writing, and spelling,
Till tke heait is sick, and the brain beuumbec
As well as the tongue in telling.
Teach—teach —teach,
In the dull December light ;
Teach—teach—teach,
When the weather is warm and bright,
When the farmer and trader are moving
About, like the birds of the air,
And the doctor goes flying along,
Ir. his magical swift-rolling chair.
Oh ! but to sell the silks
Of the merchant, with smiling face,
To p!-ad the cause of ihe rich.
And pocket the fee for the case.
To be honored for houses and lands.
To marry a foitune and wile ,
To "laugb and grow f.it" like a priest,
And take a new lease uponfli/e.
Oh, but for one short hour !
A respite beyond the reach
Of ihe curses of fathers and mother- 1 ,
Whose dailings 1 honored with beech !
Whose sons would all have b-en gov'nors,
. Whose daughters would all have been queen-
But lor weeks, months and years oi my labor,
Unceasingly spent on their teens.
With talking,weary and worn,
Wltn eyelids heavy and red,
A schoolmaster sat in his threadbare coat,
Like a tombstone over the dead,
Teach—teach-- teach.
'Mid poverty, censuie and wrong;
And still with a voice of dolorous pitch,
Would that it's trne could reach the rich,
He sang "The Schoolmaster's Song."
A SHAVING INSTITUTION. —A few days since
a traveller stepped into a bank, and immedi
ately polled olf his hat, coat and cravat. This
done, he cast a look at the cashier, who was
seated in a corner, "calm as a May morning,"
and with a commanding shake of the head,
said :
"Hadn't you better be getting that hot wa
ter !"
The teller informed him hhat he was in t he
wrong shop. "You are in a bank, sir, "and nol
io a barber shop,"
"Hank, whew !" ejaculated the astonished
•Iranger. "Blame it, they told me it was a
place where they shaved people."
fUiscciianeons.
Foil THE BEDFOBD GAZETTE.
KIND WOKDS'
When God made man, He endowed him with
I ev-ry requisite lor happiness. lie gave linn Ij^h! f
j love and n-ace. And what God mad" our
fir-t parents hrir to, in Pjradis*, has been trans
mitted unto us. Although &V. sin we have
! IJETOUIE children of sorrow ; still we possess, in
jan emitieiit degree, qualiiie's of soul, calcula
ted to make us nappy, and not ourselves only,
! hut .dsn our fel'ow m n.
A iw, t • promote the happiness of our fellow
i mo) ii is nut r* quired, that we deprive our
js- Ins oi any ei joy.iieni. We need not lavish
1 upon, i.he sorrow nig poor ordistr-ssed pilgrim,
stores ol silver and gulu to alleviates nis suffer
ings—nor need we lay aside ihe marble ol
happiuesslor toe cloak ot gloom, to heal the
woun.led sj inl, or dispel tne ominous shades
ol sorrow wtncii tiaug in melancholy silence
around the b-ait ol some poor desponding
bidder. No ! more simple, by far, is the anti
dote tor sorrow—the balm lor, distress— kind
words furnish every requisite. They will
accomplish what gold fails to do and tiiere are
none so j oor that they have them not.
Wnatan influence do they wo Id ! How
potent, how mistily! K.n.i words spoken to
the erring vviil reclaims him—snatch him
from the iiand of the strong despoil-r—cause
him to loresafe tiis evil habits ot thought and
life—and drive bun from the flowery paths ot j
ease, and indulgence that have lead him awav
Iroui truth, and whose dazzling allurements I
have caused ins mind to err, have contaminated, j
his heart, and made his feet sink to lollow after '
evil.
Kind words addressed to one suffering the i
excruciating pains ot disease, will alleviate his
sutfei ings and lighten the burden of hi* afflic
tion,—siiid words spoken to the poor, will
sweeten the cup of tlieir pnvation will light
up their almost destitute hovel with the sun
light ol happiness, and thiow a beam oi con
tentment over Uieir rugjed pathway of iite*
They will encourage the child plodding his j
"weary way" up through dithcuhies, and
opposed by almost insurmountable barriers, and !
those weighed down with care, they will cheer ;
and those troubled, distressed, burdened with;
I the galling yoke ol bereavements, they will J
I condor!.
It matters not what be the distress of mind i
I and sorrow ofsoul,.Hie suffering mortal is called
to; endure, kind woid will_ soothe and mui- !
and enable the sufferer to bear up
manfully against the Ills ol life—-and resigned- I
ly submit to the afflicting and insciutab.e dis- j
pensations of Hun, who rules in righteousness,
the affairs ol His people. Sweet, then, is tne
m ; smn cf,kind words I Gentle as the dew that '
descended from Mount Zior;, and watered tne i
j "whole face ul the ground," they fall in the
wounded heart, moisten its grief tortured aven
ues, and < ause to spring up the life in I used
germs of peace and j>y ! Nor do they cost
anything. Why, then, not let them lal! by
the wayside to cheer, comfoit, and bless, those 1
who are bowed down under heavy burdens '! |
j Why not whisper them in the ears of the sons |
jof want and calm, by their magic spell, the j
j sayings of their bleeding, sorrowing aearts ? I
i Why withhold from any suffering son o!
j humanity, a boon so precious, so divine, when
i its bestowal costs us no self denial whatever ?
! Restrain them not. Let them flow Irom the
j fountain of a pure and sympathetic heart. In
j this imitate the blessed Saviour. He had a
j kind word for all. They shall not be spoken j
|in vain v No, many a sorrowing heart, has j
j he"n comforted by their healing balm, and !
j cheered by the sweet relief which liny have
j administered. And, oh ! how true, that
"Kind words will never di ;
Never die—no never die !"'
They not onlv cheer, comfort and bless us
but, tiiey live lorever. "Deep in the breast
they he, cherished and blest." And what
can drive them from their sacred J utg- i
men!, HI a grateful heart ? They lie too deep j
fit tfie unrelenting hand of time to erase ; the-:: - j
remembra ice awakened in the thankful soul,
is tofjumd an t lasting, to be washed out bv the j
waterHo! oblivion. Aye ! forever while lite j
remains, tiiey will linger with silvery sweet- I
ne>s, on lb" ear and sound a thrill of gladness
through itie heart of nun whom thev have
curnt r'.ed.
But whilst they cheer ih° disponding, j
con f irt Hie desltevsed, leclaini the erring, and '
eucouiage the young. they a - e a source of the 1 <
gieateat pleasure ti. him who speaks them.— !i
Who does not I •* I a lliousand limes compensa- j
tel, if by any act of his, he bar in any way, !
benefitted his fellnv man ? Duty bids us use ; i
thein. And from Hie sacred truths of the !
blessed Bible there comes a voice of duly,' I
pleading in tones of ineffable love. "Re, kind- | 1
ly affectionate, one to another. Comfort the j
bowed down, and bind up the broken hearted." 1 '
But the sweetest truth ol all is, (hey will j
not lose their reward. In proportion, as they j ]
have contributed to promote the happiness and j ,
enhanceithe welfare of a poor, lorlorn, heart- 1 ,
sick brother, they will be rewarded by Him j |
wtio halh said, Even a cup ot cold ! i
water given ia my name shall not lose its re- i j
ward. j <
Penn'a College, DUNCAN.
MAMMOTH HOG.—The Virginia South Legion
notices a mammoth Chester hog, butchered by
Martin F. Milley of that vicinity. He weigh
ed D't eight hundred and fourteen pounds and
three quarters of a pound! We consider Vir
ginia ahead oil hogs. If any of our readers
know anything to beat or even come near to
this, and sends us an authentic account, we will
publish it with doe credit. The Virginia news
paper considers this hog "as heavy as two com
mon beeves, and tnore valuable".— which may
do for Virginia, but won't apply to New York,
Ohio, Kentucky oj Illinois, or Pennsylvania.
BEDFORD, PA., FRIDAY MORNING, MARCH 22, 1861.
ABJIT F.GGS.
i All the wcrid and his cosmopolitan wife and
family like new laid eggs. Nor do we depre
cate their tate ; on the contrary, we share it.
The relish of eggs is honorable, and to prefer
them fresh evinces a due appreciation ol the
'•fiiiies- of things." Tradition runneth nul
back to the time when eggs, in this condition,
were of evil repute, although the use of ibe stale
variety as a missile has never been popular wub
the recipients. Piobably the antediluvians
were fund of eggs, lor we are given to under
stand thai they feisted high, and what would a
banquet be without "the fruit of the lien
I'he Pdriarch c! the Deluge, and his wife, sons,
and daiighters-in-iaw, doubtless had omelettes
for the.r breakfast occasionally duiiug theii
providential cruise.
j 1 tiat ttie Egyptians were fond of eggs is be
' yond peradventure, for one of our aicl terlogist.-
j orought home with him from Eg\ pt some doz
ens, which had been at least 3UOO y-.ars in the
catacombs, having been placed there lor the
accommodation of the mummies, in case they
should wake up and feel peckish. These egg;,
cackled over by the hens that flourished in the
time ol the early Pharaohs—laid, probably, be
j fore the children of Israel returned from their
exodus by the way of the Red Sea —we have
seeu, and many of them are is perfect external
ly as if they baa been bought iu market yes
terday ; but although Egyptian wheat of (tie
same date is saul to have germinated and re
j produced uself, we are not aware that aoy of
the eggs ot that ilk have been set upon and
hatched.
To leave the ancient heathens and be prac
tical—this is the season when well disposed
| hens are expected 10 commence their oviparous
j operations. Our country lr*ends are either ex
pecting or already receiving these deiigh'lul
tributes of aff'. clion from their leathered depen
dants. Perhaps we may be able to put them
in the way of "hurrying up" the dilatory Dame
Paribus. Hells cannot lay unless they can
have access to inaierial wherewith to manufac
ture the white shells in which the gold* n globes
and the albumen in winch they aie suspended,
ate enclosed. That material is carbonate o
lime. A certain quantity of chalk or lime
should therefore be scattered with tin ir food,or
old egg shells will da. Professor Gregory, of
Aberdeen, in a letter addressed to a In-mi, and
published in an English newspaper, says :
"As I suppose you keep poultry, 1 may tell you
that it has been ascertained that if you mix
with their food a sufficient quantity oi chopped
egg shells or chalk, wtiich ihey eat greedily,
they will lay, other things being equal, twice
or thrice as many eggs as belbre."
WHO ARE ABOLITIONiSTS
rf'he late vo'e in the House of Representa
tives at Washington, upon the Cor won amend
ment i . Lonstiiultrrri shows cbficiuafveiJ
who, ol that body, are Abolitionists :
JOINT RESOLUTION TO AMEND THE CONSTITUTION
or "TIE UNITED STATES.
Be it resolved, By the Senate and House ol
Representatives of ihe United States of Amer
ica, in Congress assembled, two-thirds ol both
Houses concurring, that the following article
be proposed to the Legislatures ot the several
Stales as an amendment to the Constitution of
the United States, which, when ratified bv
three-lourths of said Legislatures, shall be valid
to all intents and purposes as part ol the said
Constitution, viz :
j ARTICLE XII. —"That no amendment shall
i be made to ih- C institution which will author-
I z- or give Congress power to abolish or infer
| fere within any State with the domestic inslt
| tutious therein, including that of persons held
jto labor or servitude by the laws of said
State."
The above was the joint resolution voted up
on; which is a proposition so lair and just, as
Well as necessary to it'slore peace to the coun
try, that we cannot •ee how any reasonable and
honest-minded man could oppose if. We have
the right to charge those who voted against it
with being Abolitionists in the true sense of the
word, and in favor of Congress abnlishing sla
very in Use Southern Stat-s. We did not be
lieve that sixty-five members of tha body
would dare place themsi Ives upon this revolu
tionary platform, ami outiage the opinion and
patriotism of tbe country. Here are their
uan.es—let bern bt remembered:
.W —Messrs. .Mien, Ashley, Bpale, Bing
ham, B'.tir, Blake, Brayton, Butiiriton, Burlin
game, Mmnham, Carey, Carter, Case, Cobutn,
C'onkli. g, Dawes, Pent on, Ferry, F .ster, prank,
Gooch, GROW, Gurley, HICKMAN. Hind
man, Hutchins, Irvine, Kellogg, ol Michigan,
L-ach, ol Michigan, L-e, L mgnecker, Loom is,
Livejoy, Mars'on, McKean, Pettit, Potter,
Pottl , Ed win R. Reynolds, Rovce, Sedgwick,
Somes, Spinner, STEVENS, STEWART, of
Penn'a., Taj pan, Ton pkins, Train, Vande
ver, VunWyck, Wade, Wafdron, Walton,
Washburn, of Wisconsin, Washburn, of Illi
nois, Wells, Wilson and Woodruff—6s,
They ate about the same who voted for
Blake's abolition resolution last wiritpr. A
mong those who opposed the Corwin amend
ment, we rtgret to find Mr. Blair, (he Repub
lican rnemoer from (his district. We do not
believe he represents'the sentiments'ol hi 3 paity,
lor we have already heard indignation express
ed among Ins own political friends at his vote.
He tias listened to the no-compromise, radical
teaching of the Tribune , and thus been precip
itated into the black gulf of Abolitionism.—
Huntingdon Globe.
is a fellow in Vermont who has a
bugle, the notes ot which are so sweet, that
when lie plays the whole neighboihood catches
them to use instead of sugar.
| (UP" We heat<i a man remark the othrr day
thai a fool's brains ail lay in his stomach.
i can't rail sin and ignorance oct of
[the world, but il is easy enough to rail cattle
out of a field.
Freedom of Thought and Opinion.
I THE ASTONISHED MEDDLER.
I What is more intolerable than an officious in
lenr.eddler with other people's affairs? One
of the most bu3y of the tribe was tiavelling in
the cars not long ago, and exercising his tal
ents in a manner at once amusing and mis
chievous.
"Hallo !" cries Mr. Meddler, to a decrepit
old gentleman,just as the train was leaving a
way station, "wake up arid step lively ! This
is the place where you want to get our."
The old man had barely tun- to put his 1 ot
tei b.g 1-gs on the platform of the depot, when
the train was again in motion.
"mod gr .cious!" exclaimed Mr. Meddler,
on returning to fits s-at, wnicli was next the
one which the old gentleman had occupied—
"Good gracious ! the old fellow has gone and
bit his cai pet bag !'' So he kindly threw it out
ol the window.
1 fill an hour later a young man came in fiom
• another car and enquired lor a missing carpet
bag. ~ I
'•lt was on litis seat, ' said the stranger, poin
ting to the spot where the old gentleman had
i)ee<! sill lug.
' Good gracious I" again cried Mr. .Meddler,
"why. i thojglit that carpet bag belonged to the
old iellow who got out a while ago, and so I
threw it out of the window alter birn, 'cause I
loigot it!"
'• I he deuce yuu did !" said the stranger, with
a scow I, "and how came the old man to leave
the train V y
' Why," said Mr. Meddler, "I thought I
heard hun say he was going to Middleport, so
wfc-o we came (o the depot I fold him lie was
there, and had better get out. That's how it
was."
"You had better have minded voor own bu
*dn. s>, said lue young man rather sharply j
"that old gentleman was going to Middlebury
loses a dying sou, who will now be dead and
htiripd, protra fly, before his father can get there.
Prat's one ot the results ot your officious imer
ineddling with things concern you.
Ac I 'hat caipe; bag is my carpet bag, and has
got my wedding suit in it. I was to have been
married to night, it it hadn't been lor you.— ,
You've damaged a funeral and spoiled a wed
di -| with your d—d nuuseu.se!" And so he
h- J, sure enough.
rlie KMI'UL'SS EIGE\'IL'S RlVAL
•u'be London correspondent of the New Or
it . K' Delhi gives the h;s!ory of a certain count
er- from Italy, who is initialed C-, and who
6,1 f caused heart burnings to E./genie. She is
at on tit ess '-as much as my mother," as the fat
j •er of Spam had it—being ihe daughter of a
• y worthy cobbler of Milan, who*"waxed"
1. i irirfj (vinous) and spiteful, and drove fiis
' ighter to se- k the protection of her "uncle*"
a .i test of Ancona, and here the young lady
. i R *;id became that
tare and beauteous thing, an Italian blonde.—
Not the downright r d Lair of the Highland
lassie, nor the iivckled skin offai i,is< with
which it mates in the North ; but a iroJJen,
glossy tress, that descended —in lux/nance
which would lival Macassar's be&t growth—to
the knees, and a fairness that was alabaster,
with running under currents of many streams
of blood led.
She was too lair to be unnoticed. She ran
off with a sailor to Sicily, and was—not mar
ried—but hei sailor was, and a m<iuvifrs sujet,
and when she asked about marriage he laughed
in her face, till it grew as auburn as her hair ;
and she tiied in her distraction the other ser
vice, with an advance—a major of the Metro
politan guard ; and she was married to him, ay
and she loved him, and was faithful. Bui
death tripped up the major, and nude her a
widow aw idow bathed in tears—and 111 the
guise ol distress, to which pecuniary embarrass
ment added a doub'e incentive to grief, a real,
iive 11 ah an Baron had the good fortune to see
and relieve her, and, better fortune still, at the
end ol three months, to marry ihe lady. Here
the reader may, perhaps, be a second time dis
appointed. She was faithful, but ttie husband
died. Now, there is a superstition about ta
king a widow for a third time in Laiy, although
'he Anglo Saxon race would t y theone-dowu
the-olher-com—on ptinciple till the scoie was
a dozen.
iiie lady found herself beautiful still, with a
few hundred francs per annum and a soi <1 is nut
coun'ess, and she resolved to see the world, ami
enjoy the world. ihe rattier jealous Italian
husband did not let her go ahead verv fast ;
and though she was a little renowned as the
fair Italian, she had not been able to work the
capital to any great extent. In Vienna she
lived in the best society, and no particular ac
count of her killing capabilities was heard ol
Iheie. Tiny do not care much for sentimental
beauty in Austria, and are matter of fact in
love as they are in their social intercourse, even
lately in politics.
From Vienna we trace hi-r to Baden, where 1
she played the prude, and got Euiopean re
nown at once by the old recipe, the duello.
A red faced Prussian and a smart petit maitie
of a Frenchman quarrelled for the honor I.f her
smiles, thinking each ol them—deluded men '
that they were —that they were going to make
husband number three.
The Prussian, with a gauc/ierie truly national
gave the Frenchman a rattling slap oil the head. 1
and coffee and pistols for the two next morning
was the inevitable consequence, and Ihe little
Frenchman h. ing the inevitable was also
the flight of the soi dimnt countess; but with
a confiding appreciation of r! ie character of the
Frenchman, st.e did not, like others might have
done, shun tlie soil of France, but made straight
way for its capital, whither lame, in Ihe shape
ola feuilleton, or from Baden Baden,
the columns of Ihe Figaro or Chronique hail
preceded her,and the ball the Frenchman re
ceived 111 the poitrine biought her an inpounng
of cards from the grand world for a whole
course of bails.
Ihe lady was nathing, loth and appeared in
alt her blonde charms; that is, the hair of gold
j streaming down to her waist in luxuriant ring
; lets, quite a mode unknown to the Pjrasian
dames, and selling them all at their wits ends
to follow fashion,
j One lady succeeded, and cajoled the hear! of
a gentleman by the means [of her lair looks :
but the wife, in oveiflowing spite and revenge,
watched the moment when la beile was waltz
ing with her husband, close locked, and honked
on t > the floating tresses, giving a tug enough to
lilt the Cirvat Etstem's anchor, when pop, off
came the "superabundant," and the lady Jay
faulting, m her mortification—so the Italian
j Countess was left the mistress of the field, seek
ing no conquests, apparently, but making thein
by slmais of "lions" at a lime ; such is the per
veisity of mankind. But she was cold in h.-r
saner days, and Lad changed her beautv for
Wendham Lake ice—nil, oh, what will not
ambition do at a certain age in woman !
fbe greatest in the laud ol Prance came,
saw, and was conquered, and Ihe fair Empress
had to yield to a fairer aim, but here the piquant
history cl..se ß , and whether the lady yielded as
quickly as the Emperor, history sayeth not.
.-is a true defender of beauty, and a'man of the
world, I siv she did not. But, for all that,
we have the Empress of the French amona us,'
in high dudgeon, and she sings she w o n't go
home, till Christmas—till t'otheis gone away.
A LEARNED JUDGE.
One of the first mummies brought into Europe
Irom the East gave rise to a most dramatic ad
venture. .-\boul a hundred years ago, duting
the reign ol his immaculate majesty Louis XV. <
ol fiance, an antiquary returned from Giand
Cauo, brought a mummy with him piesumed to I
be at least three thousand six hundred vearsold.
Our savant, tired of the dillig-rw-s in which
he had been traveling from Marsadles, look a
b.nge at lont A iubleau, which landed hun safe
and sound at Poit St. Bernard. Eager to see
his family, he had his effects load-d on a lifter,
but lelt his precious mummy in the bottom of
boat. The custom house officer, on boarding it !
discovered a box of a strange shape and aspect. '
Suspecting it to contain contraband goods, he
had it opeu-d. What a spectacle A woman
swathed in linen bandages from head io foot ! >
No doubt this v/as 3 wretched vic>irn sHangl d
oy a jealous lover or a grasping heir. Thecom
mis arc of police was instantly sent for, and
made ins appearance, flanked by two surgeons
as skilful as himself in archeology. The crime t
was recognized, a repoit made of it, and the i
body transported to the Morgue, that the (fiends
might come and identify it. It is p'esumed
that none o| them made their appearance. Our
learned traveler, however, in taking an inven
tory of his effects the next day, bethought hun
seif ol his greatest curiosity. He flew to the
boat, when the learned commissary and three
minions ol the Jaw seizid him and dragged him
before ihe magistrate.
Aha ! my fine fellow, cried the judge, we're
got you.
W <!l vonr honor favor me with the reason of
this extraordinary proceeding ?
it remains lor you, sir, to explain the circum
stances of the murder, you have commit
ted.
Murder ?
That is the word, sir.
1 he murder that 1 have committed 1 cried the
savant, aghast.
Or at least the crime in which you were an
accomplice.
Good heavens ! Your worship is dream
ing* •
am I ? No sir ; you will
find me awake, to your cost. The eve of jus-
closes. Did not my vigilant officer
discover the body of your victim ; strangled and
shut up in a box ? Here's the report of the
discoveiy, duly sealed, signed and attested.
Is that all ' said the antiquary with a hearty
laugh.
Hardened ruffian ! cried the judge. Do von
indulge levity with tile shadow of a c-ime >o
black hanging over your head ? Now sir, look
m u in the face, and answer the questions I shall
put. By whom was the y ourfg girl placed in
the box in which she was discovered ?
Bv myself sir.
i\lr. Clerk, phase take down his confession,
said (he magistrate. Who swathed Imr with
linen bandages fioin h-a-i to foot ?
I did your honor.
Writedown Air. Clerk, jthat he admits his
Ci iuie.
The expression is rather *'i m?.
Tlie deed is heinous. How old Ras the
girl ?
About nineteen yea r 9.
Memphis, I think.
Fancy importing a girl such a distance to i
murder her! When did her death take place?
About three thousand six hundred years
ago.
Prisoner ! how* dare you indulge in this mis
placed levity?
lam not joking sir. I assure you til" de
ceased lived iu the reign of one of the Pha
rolis.
I'll put handcuffs on you.
Your honor, said the prisoner sternly, this
pleasantry has been carried too far. And let
me say, sir. that you are the trod marvel mslv
ignoiant man ibat ever sat upon the judicial
bench. Where we<*e you brought up, that von
haven't even suspei ted that for two days"you
have been holding an inquest on the pretended
murder of an egyptian mummy ?
A mommy !
Of course sir : and if you had conducted your
examination properly, you would know "that i
you are addressing Count de I) , a mem
ber of the Academy of Inscriptions and Belles
Lett res.
My lord, said the judgp, I beg a thousand
pardons. I hope your lordship will forget
i will forget everything. Give ne my
mummy, and try in future to obtain experts who
will come a little nearer than three or four j
thousand years in guessing at the date of a per
son's death.
Yi -YthTIBER,
The |>o!ic< magistrate, very murh morlifid
a! ins blunder, gave up t/st* mummy, but be nev
beard the last pait o( the story.
SCENE IN A POLICE OFFICE-
I lie J,I JIORER IN this case, whose name was
Dicken Swiven,alias, '-Stove Pipe Pete," was
placet) at 'be bar and questioned by the Judge
to the following efF-ct ;
Judge—Hiing the prisoner into court.
Pel-—Here I atn, bound to blaze, as the
spiiits of turpentine said, when he was ail a
lire.
We will lake a little fire out of you. How
do you live.
I ain't < irticular, as ?lh- oyster said when
I bey asked him if he would be roasted or
fried.
We don ! want to h-sr what lb- <> ys' ••
onhe spirits ol turpentine either. \\'■ at do
you follow ?
Anything that comes in my war .i- 'he lo
coinutiv- said, when it run over ;t;-- I■f |. i. •
** r *
Don't care anything about the locomotive.—
W hat is your business.
That's various, as the cat said when she stale
the chicken ofT the tabie.
It I hear any more absurd comoarisons, I
will give you twelve months.
I in done, as the beefsteak ?aid to the cook.
Now sir, your punishment wii! d-pend on the
shortness and coirectnrss of your answers. I
suppose you live by going around the docks.
No sir, I can l go around the docks without a
boat, and hain't got none.
Answer me s>r. How do you get your
bread ?
Sometim-s at the baker's and sometimes I eat
fa'era.
No more of your stupid nonsense. How do
you support yourself '
Sometimes on my legs and sometimes on a
chair.
How do you keep yourself alive ?
By breathing sir.
I order you to answer this question correct! v.
How do you do ?
Pretty well I thank you, Judge. How do
you do 1
I shall have to commit you.
Well, you've committed yourself first, that's
some consolation.
PATRICK HENRY.
A man stands upon the floor of the House
ot Delegates of Virginia. He turns an eye of
tire arouniHiim—hejtrenrtbles with some mighty
emotion. That emotion, reader, was the "first
breath of new borr. liberty. She started into
life at this inspiration, and the days ol Tyrranny
were numbered. The grandeur of that scene
cannot be compassed at one glance. He stood a
miU a grave a,w prude.-/ body e{trea, iyn
sc.'ous, indeed, of the wrongs of his country,
but relying upon the modest petition lor re
dress. 1 hey had never let their imaginations
ramble into visions of upright and fearless in
dependence. A thousand things forbade the
idea. J heir habits of thougbtj ar.d action,
their pitiable weakness as a country, their dis
gust for war on account ot recent and exhaus
ting conflicts, all tended to indispose them to
treedom. They were, besides, legislating be
neath the jealous eyes of royal who
would not fail to call treason by its name.
1 hey sat as it were under the glimmerings of
the diadem.
Who would dare, if so inclined to,stalk forth
from their midst, and throw down the gauntlet
to the mightiest Empire of the world—to princi
ples as old as the great globe itself, interwoven
with every page of past history, sanctioned by
venerable ages, and proud and awful as the
heavens ? \\ ho would dare to leap on the
mossgrown and frowning ramparts of monarchy,
and pluck its blood red flag? Who would
rush from the security of submission, and
Sampson like, grasp the lion by his mane ? It
was ttie grandest moment of that time, bnt God
haJ rein d up one to fill it. That one was
Paint k Henry.
He opened his lips. His heart, big with the
destinies ot the World, struggled for a moment
with doubt— but no longer. The electric ap
p-al shot tjrth, drifted on—flash and
brighter, and growing in overwhelming majesty,
until the last words—'-Give me liberty or give
me D.-a:h I' 5 filled up its measures of terrible
might : 1 the last link ot the chain that had
entire), md the former *'HS riven. He has
finished nis sublime task. T; e revolution was
a fact.
TIT- HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. From a
table puhli>h-ri in one of the Harrishurgh pa
pers, we learn that ttie present H use of K-*-
preseiilatives is initde up of thirty one farmers,
fourteen merchants, one railroad contractor,
seven physicians, thirteen law vers, one lumber
dealer, eight iron manufacturers, one dyer,
two editors and printers, two coach makers, one
architect, one clerk, one manufacturer, one
horticulturist, one coal merchant, one coa/
operator, two powder manufacturers, one engi
neer, one cooper, one carpeiilc, one tin smith,
two wheelrights, one grntleman, one agricultu
ral implement manufacturer, one moulder, one
viclnailer. Ol these, six'y-seven are natives
ot Pennsylvania, two of Massachusetts, one of
Ohio, two of Connecticut, one ot Maryland,
five of New York, one of Virginia, two of New
Jersey, f uir of Ireland, one of England, one ot
Wales, and one ot Getmanv.-j
ttf" What-would <>ur wives say if tbey
knew where we were !" said the captain ola
schooner, wfien they were heating about in a
thick fog, t-aiftil of going on shore. "Humph !
I shouldn't mind '.hat," replied the mate, "If
we only knew where we were onrselves.'*
iCfll an empty nurse could sneak,'!'bat love
like speech would ii make '—"You'l! find no
change in me
VOL. 4. NO. 32.