VOL.I ME 37.
NEW SERIES.
THE BEDFORD GAZETTE
IS PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY MORNING
BY K. I'- MKV<>
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LET THAT BANNER WAVE.
Oh. let that starry banner wave
To glad the patriot's eye,
And tell in these degen'rate days
Of brighter days gone by—
Of days when 'neath it in the fight
The bronzed warrior stood,
And bre its folds in glory's light
O'er crimsoned fields ol blood.
Still let it tell of strife and tears,'
Of martyr'd spirits lied,
And of the long and toilful years.
Through which oiu fathers bled.
Still let it tell of Bunker's height,
Of Monmouth's gory plain—
Of those who poured in Camden's fight
Their blood like summer iain.
Still on its folds beam every star
in bright and dimless ray,
And palsied be the hand would nut,
Or tear one gem away,
Forever let that banner wave
To tell of deeds sublime,
And light each nation struggling o'er
The stormy sea oi time.
Then freemen, round it firmly stand
With high and deep resolve.
And stay the wild fanatic band
That struggles "to dissolve.''
Swear by the hope of future days—
The dead of 'ays gone by,
That still in g'ory's deathless haze
That flag shall wave on high.
Written exj)reesly for the Bedford Gazette-
GREAT PRIZE TALE!
THE HEART FIRE;
OP.
"ALT ENDS WELL" THAT OCT GENERALS
"DU)RT."
■ •' ~ "*
BY IIIBBLEDY HOBB, JR.
CHAPTER I.
It was on a Slack, gloomy, brilliant, starless
midnight, in the bleak and*snowy month of
June, in the year eighteen hundred and sixty- ]
nothing, immediately after an early breakfast,
about one and a half in the afternoon, just as
the evening sun was setting, in gorgeous cross
bars of "red, white and blue," behind where a
superannuated hay-stack was "shaking his gory
locks" in the midst of a boundless expanse of
clear, level land, in the hpart of a dense, un
trodden forest, on the highest peak of a huge
ant-hill, that a young cavalier (judging from
his appearance, about ninety seven years and
fourteen days high; about five feet, thirteen in
ches old, with rosy, black, straight, curly, au
burn hair of a snowy whiteness; bright blue
nose and Roman eyes ; pigeon toes and a red
mus'n't-touch'em, which he had 'shaved off a!
the tender age of two weeks) stole with sad,
but joyous step, down the back kitchen stairs
of his father's mansion, to go a-courtin'.
CHAPTER 11.
Altera long ana toilsome journey backwards,
often minutes and forty-nine seconds, over an
area of country, seventy-two thousand miles in
extent, circular measure, he arrived on the
wings of love, (his toes sticking out through his
worn and dusty shirt-collar, and his ears sawed
off by his highly polished gaiters) at the dwel
ling of his ducky-darling, and stealthily, whis
tling "Yankee-Doodle" with the variations of
"Sweet Home," he madly and "gently as the
falling dews of even" rushed in, and giving one
"wild and prolonged yell of mortal'agony, ' sea
ted himself upon the fender, in front of a huge
vawning fire-place, where against the "stern,
rock-bound coast" the briny waves of oblivion
beat their jolly requiem to the melancholy tune
of "Granny, will your dog bite," &.c.
CBAPTER 111.
Our hero remained sitting in the position we
left him at the close of the last chapter, as quiet
as a mouse,snorting and giggling all the time,
for the space of seven weeks, when suddenly!
his ears were greeted by a noise like "the rus
tling of angels' wings," and looking up he saw
his heart's dearest idol sliding down the an
tiquely carved balustrade of the smoke-house
stairs ; and rushing towards her with impatient
out-stretched arms, he deliberately and convul
sively cried out "600-00-o."' at which, with
one wild, despairing exclamation of "oh golly j
she fell ihto a protracted and death-like swoon,
keeping all the time one eye open.
CHAPTER IV.
When our hero saw the sad results of his im*
' petuoi'y, he threw himseli upon his knees be
side hi adored and wringing his hands and ciy
, "Oh ! my dearest dock —my punkin-sass—
my musharoon —my johnny-jump-up—why,
oh, why did you turn tool and faint," he batb
, ed her face With fis agonized tors, and hope
' 1-ssiy tickled her nose with a straw, in the
, midst of which, she snorted "right out," when
■ in an Vxtacy of jo; he raised her in his a rtisand
bore tier ali blushing and'buoyant to an old
sleigh-box in one corner of the chicken-coop,
where, seating In rose if beside her he gently
sighed words in a language which none bin lov
ers know, words that sparkled up from the well
springs of his soul, and met a sparkling re
sponse from her throbbing heart, as he sparked
and she sparked and"plurai number, third per
son," they spa iked.
j * CHAPTER V.
They sparked and sparked and might have j
continued sparking until the present time, but i
as theii evil stars would have it, the sparks at- !
tracted the attention of her paternal ancestor,
(daddy as he was tenderly called, a lung, raw
j boned, sorrel animal, ab >ut nineteen and a hall
hands high, a< he was riding home from mar- i
Uet on a venerable gray-headed individual ot
majestic mipn, with flaps to his waistcoat, and
greasy k nee-breechesj and he thought hisdomi
cil was in a conflagration, and in a "swate Irish
; brogue," strongly marked by a ¥rich Dutch ac
i cent," he hollered F-I-E-R ! F—l~E R !
CHAPTER VI.
| The prolonged, agonizing cry of the paler .
familing, aroused his entire household from !
then slu-nh' r, and simultaneously they rushed '
iin ; his wife, a plump, dappled-bay iilllebod- 1
dy. ir. Kentucky jean roundabout, with red mo- j
i rocco cap-strings, came on a hand gallop from
! the spring house, where she had been engaged i
j tor three wenk, churning the "milk of human j
! kindness" along with the "cream of a joke,'"in ;
the vain attempt to get some Holland gin {ol .
which the aforesaid old lady was very fond) — !
i his three sons, fine looking, cross-eyed, hump* j
backed fellows came in, single file, four abreast |
i mounted two by two, on cross-barred tom-cats, J
I from the hav-field where they had been husk- i
ing the "golden ears of autumn," and plaving j
mumble-de-peg with their great-grandmother, !
I and his other daughter, the child ol his old age j
! and (lie pi ida AftYls house, came screeching, oin \
a fast trot, from the garden, where she had been j
' engaged in reading from an ancient Dutch an- [
1 thor, in t a copy of the "British Poets," the heait
rending epic of "Old Grimes' Cow and eat
j ing the seeds of that conservative plant
"That turns on her god when besets,
j The sam * look that she turned when he rose," I
I and sipping nectar from pumpkin blossoms, and I
j brightening her already dazzling complexion
; with that never-failing cosmetic invented for
the daughters of the gods, viz : tansy ana but
• termilk.
CHAPTER VII.
As our hero saw the excitement he had in
| nocently raised, in mortal fear for his new j
| "slouch," he broke for a thicket of whiskey J
! barrels, which giew spontaneously in a dense
j swamp, on the precipitous side of a neighbor
; ing mountain ; but in leaving, he unfortunatel v, j
i struck his "calabash" into the breadbasket of
j his father-in-law, that was to be (the aforesaid
j daddy) causing the old man to grunt, and
! knocking an assortment of stars and sic/i like
from our hero's eyes, in forty-two thousand
scintillations, which he hurriedly gathered up
in his hat, along with sundry other bricks, and
! and again flew "on his winding way" at a
j two forty speed.
Rut as he left, the old lady (mammv, as
she was called far short) in a frenzy of in
i dignation at seeing the dilapidated condition
| of her liege lord (the old hos?) as he lay rolling
|on the grass with his "bi/cr bust," sciearned
i out alter him, "Ah you good-for-nothing,
I sneakin,* flop-eared, slab-sided, egg-stickin,'
| turkey-stealin,' bene-pickin,'
j pig-worryio,' cat-skeerin,' ongainly, knock
j kneed, bow-legged, pigeon-toed,
turnip-nosed , red-musty-cheesed critter ! you !
ef i ketch you hack here I'll "
This is all of this thrilling tale, that will be I
\ published in [this paper, the balance from
where it is here left off will be continued in
the New Y'ork Dodger of the Wednesday
1 immediately succeeding Fourth of July, Chnst
j mas and Easter, simultaneously, which may be
j had of ail respective news-dealers at three
cents a drink.
THE KISS. —
Who gave that kiss? the teacher cried ;
'Twas Harry Hall, John Jones replied.
Come here to me old Switcbem said,
And solemnly he shook his head :
What evil genius promoted vou
So rude a thing in school to do ?
Said Harry, I can hardly say-
Just how it happened. Any way,
To do a sum she whispered me ;
And round rry face her curls—you see—
That is, her cheek—and I—and 1— i
Just kissed her, but I don't know why.
BEDFORD, FA., FRIDAY MORNING, JANUARY -23, Mil.
TIIE HERO OF THE MINE-
Years ago in ibe heart ot & m mntain in
Belgium, a hundred men were working' a coal
mine.
Grim viiajjeJ and dusky, moving about by
: the dull red light o( their uMv-iamps, they
j might have been mistaken /or thr demons ol the
mountain, once supposed toy the peasants to
dwell in its caves. Their work was hard, and
surrounded by dangers; but their wives and
children were in the hamlet above, and long
hibit makes them forget their perils. So they
mL'ht be contented, and even happy.
Tl e cr aking windlass raised and lowered a
huge bucket through the de-pand narrow shaft
from morning till night,carrying men and tools
to and fro, this was Uit-ir only doorway.
It was uoonuay, and the sun shone down one
side ot the shah, and brought a glimmer of day
light to a part ui the mine. Hubert Coffin, the
master miner, took his place in the great kib
ble, and was let down to the mine many feet
below. When he reached the bottom he com
menced handing some toe's and stores to Victor,
aolind miner who was there. Victor had left
a .sick cliild in one of the cottages, and it wa<
to inquiie niter him that he stood wailing at
the bottom of the shaft.
The bucket was soon emptied, and Hubert
was just stepping out, when hark ! What sound
was that which made his cheek pale ?—lt was
the rushing and trickling ol water.—The nest
moment he caught sight of a stream forcing it
sell through a fissure in the mountain close to
the shall! Hubert's long experience instant
ly showed him their (earful danger. It was
not a feeble, oozing stream but a rr.ighly pies
sure of water that had found its outlet. Thev
would be overwhelmed—lust.
One f.o was yet in the bucket—a jerlt at
the rope wou'd save him. But, though death
stared bint in the face, he could not sacrirtceo
ttiers to save himself. Quickly jumping out, he
seized blind Victor and placed him in the buck
et, saying quickly, as be jerked the rope:
"Tell them the water has burst in and we
aie probably lost, but we'll seek refuge at t.V
faither end of the gallery. Say larewell tootir
poor hiends." In a moment he was gone, and
with him Hubert's only certainty of escape hum
a terrible death.
The mine consisted of long, narrow passages,
and on all sides deep coves /iom which the coal
had been dug. The men were aI at the far
ther end of the mine, hew ing out the solid
mountain, unconscious ot danger. Hubert
quickly made his way along the dark
io!lowed by the swift-spreading water, and soon
rejeaed his fellow workmen with ttie dreadful
intelligence. It was a moment of panic, when
eac;i would have rushed to certain death id
vain eilori to save himself. But looking firm
ly into their ghastly faces, the master spokea
few courageous sent
♦ Fuflow my words, lads, and b? quick—our
picks may save us !"
Then came a lew steady', quick commands,
to hollow a new chamber above the level which
vhe water would piobably reach. The men o
beyed in silence though each knew not b it that
he might be digging his own grave. A hun
dred pair of hands soon finished the work, and
iut# the cave a hundred men crowded to wait
tor death, or an almost impossible cinnc of re
lief. The water gradually filled ail the ave
nues and chambers, and then seemed daveJ.—
Never was a situation more d-eadiul. Not more
than a day's provisions had been saved, and al
ready two or three of their cumber had been
killed by the failing rocks while hastily dig
ging the new chamber. The long dismal hours,
with 110 change to mark them, brought the ad
vance of almost certain death.
Courage, brave Hubert! God, who saw thy
noble sacrifice, will help thee !
The terrified friends and townsmen, on hear
ing Victor's dreadful news, ran wildly about in
hopeless panic. But some guided by the
message Hubert had sent they commenced
working a new shaft as near as possible to the
spot where the helpless men might be. Five
days they toiled, digging deeper into the solid
side of the mountain.
It's a vain task, sail the men, but t ! >e
WiVnen cued. Do not cease! God will
help us!
At length on the morning ot the sixth day,
the muffled sound of blows from within met the
ears of the workmen on the shaft. A signal
ran along the rope, and told the news to the
Witting multitude above, who rent the air with
joylui shouts. Soon a communication was
made. They were saved—at least some were
saved !
Who can imagine the feelings of the un
fortunate men, buried (or five days and nights
without food, when first *ne day gleamed in
upon them, revealing a human face !
Of the hundred who had been imprisoned,
only seventy .survived, and with them Hubert.
Without him, indeed, piobably no one would
have been snared to tell the news.
This noble act done in at place and at a'reo
ment when no praise of iner. could have been
looked for, echoed throughout Europe, and
obtained the praise and gratitude of the world.
The ten thousand miners ol L°ige bailed their
fellow laborers with delight and pride. Napo
leon heard and admired in his palace at Paris,
andNent a reward to the peasant nobleman.—
He sent liirn his Cross of Honor, the mark
which all high and great coveted, and, better
s'ili, offered him a pension which raised him
above want lor the rest of his Pie.
A HIGH CHARGE.— "JuIius, why didn't you
oblong your stay at de sea-side ?"
"Kase, I tell you Mr. Snow, dey charge too
much."
• How so."
"Why, de landlord charged dis colored in
dividual wid stealing de great big silwer
spoons."
we read the almost interminable
sentences ol some writers, we cannot help
thinking that their readers are in danger of be
ng sentenced to death.
Freedom of Thought and Opinion.
COURTING ON SCIENTIFIC PRINCI- [
PJ.KS.
Among the "necessary evils*'of life, court- j
ing may be classed as one of the most serious ;
and interesting. It attempted at all, it should j
like dancing, be conducted according to some '
well defined i ules. The subject has not been
entirely overlooked in books on etiquette and j
deportment, &c.; but the most plain and prac
tical rules we have SPe n, are those laid down ;
by Samuel Slick, Esq., as follows :
' Courtin' a gal, I guess, is like a voung
ho oe in a pasture. lou put the oats in a pan, ;
bi.e the halter, and soft-sawder the critter, and
it •„ Jines up softjy arid sliilv a! first, and p.its its
tic * to the grain, aud gets a ta>te, stands off
an munches a iittle, looks round to see that
the coast is clear, and advances cautious again
for a go, if you are rough. Well, you
sott-sawdei it all the time; so-so, pet! gently
pe; . that s a pretty doll ! and gets to kind a iike
it, and comes closer, and you think you have it,
niuKe a giao at its man, and it ups head and
tail, snorts, wheels short round, 'Jets go both
h uk* ' e,| t a' you, and oil like a shot. That comes
os being in a hurry. Now, it you only had
put your hand up slowly towards its shoulder,
and then felt along the mane, ;t might perhaps
ha|e drawed away, as much as to say, hands
oQj if you please; I iike your oats, but I don't
ward you ; but the chance is you would have
cai I)t it. Well, what's your play, now you
ha.e missed it ? Why, you don't give chase,
for dial only scares the critter : but stand still,
shake.the oats in the pan, and sav copp, cope,
cop -*! and it stops, looks at you, and comes up
cg'Shn, but awfui skittish, stretches its neck out
e- er so tar, steals a few grains, and then keeps
a respectful distance.—Now what do vou do
tHVn ! Whv shake the pan and move slowlv,
?s il you were going to leave the pastor and
ou*- 1 lor hum ; when it repents lor beia'so dis
trustful, comes up, and you slip the halter
on."
Flow AM HONEST OLD NEGRO OUTWITTED A
PA a TT OF ABOLITIONISTS.—A short time ago, a
v .iow lady, living near the northern line ot
Missouri, suit tier negro man with a load of
wheat to a mill in lowa, to have it manufactu
red into flour. Ihe {mill was crowded on bis
arrival there, and the prospect was that he
would have to wait several davs lor his "turn."
White waiting, some of the "freedom shriek-
Pis" in that latitude, got around the darkey and
proposed aiding hiai in securing his freedom.
The negro seemed to be struck with the irffa,
)iH did not have any money to pay his expen
ds. "Well," said they, "-ell your mules."—
-FWt know 'bou* dat : missus couldn't get a
la-.ig w i lout dem,"said Cuff. "Well then, you
ran sell the wffguri that will bring the money
;i Well, I believe missus needs de wagon top,"
levered..lias, blacji, "but ji I had tie
;round, 1 could self 0- u'ouf—v. old Irleh
:he money." "Oh, well," said the negro equal
iiyist, "we will swap you (lour for your wheat
:o accommodate you." So the trade was made.
The wheat was exchanged tor the proper par
don of flour and the colored man was loaded all
-eady to drive off and sell his flour. But when
be was about ready to start, he said : "Massa
f's bin studyn' 'oout freedom, but I don't be
h-ve missus can spare d" flour either," and
Jrove oir with a broad grin, displaying two
rows ot ivory, much to the mortification ant!
vexation of our negro loving lowans.
SLIGHT VOCAL MISMPPREHCXSION. —The bore
who is the greatest of all bores is he that reads
to you aloud. If he reads his own composition
be deserves death. A Parisian gentleman, af
flicted with the presence of a young poet, who
Was given to this trick, shut his mouth forever
in the following manner : The bore had read
a poem an hour long. At its close he uaso
verwhelmed with compliments and felicitations,
tor there is some remnant ol lip poiiten- ss yet
ex'ar.t in Paiis. But people looked into each
others' countenances with silent gloom. Was
this a precedent for future inflictions? If so,
I he re-union might as well he broken upat once.
The host, a gentleman of exceeding tact, divined
what was passing in the minds ot his guests, and
restored confidence bv a stroke worthy of a
Talleyrand. Approaching the youthful poet
modestly awaiting the anticipated tiibute to his
genius, the gentleman seized both his hands
and in a delighted tone exclaimed, "My dear
sir ' You cannot imagine how much I am
[ leased and astonished I I thought you were
a tenor, when, in reality, your voice is a very
fine barytone I" The incipient bard is not like
ly to read anymore verses in that house, as may
well be imagined.
FORTY BABIES IN TEN DAYS !—Le Claire a
gainst the World : —As an instance of the rap
id increase in importance and population of the
Western country—as an instance of the cheer
ing abundance of the crops ol county —as
an instance of the souncint-s of the citizens of
Le Claire on the goose question, we chronicle
the fact—we point with feelings ol just county
pride to the imposing fact, that the full number
of forty births have takeu place in the town of
Le Claire within the last "ten days!" Talk
about your big potatoes ; about your wheat, for
ty bushels to the acre ; talk about secession and
disunion, and all such stuft*—that ain't nothing
compared with this mighty vindication oflowa
progress and lowa institutions. Forty babips
in ten days ; forty homes made happy ; forty
jubilant lathers * forty cradles to rock; forty
thousand screams ! Jerusalem, what a coun
try !
The doctors say that the good mothers are
quite "as well as could be expected," thank you,
and the children are all smart, healthy, pretty ;
able to draw their regular rations, and are prin
cipally girls.— Davenport (Iowa) Gazette.
me I" said a pious lady, "our minis
ter was a powerful preacher ; for the short
time he ministered the word among us, he kick
ed down three pulpits, and banged the in'ards
out of six bibles."
GROUNDS FOR A DIVORCE. —Judge L., who i
one of the most humane of legal functionaries
'ells a good storv of an affair|coming beneath hi<
judicial eye. A lady called on him a sliori
time since, stating that she desired a divorce
from hep husband. The gallant Judge asked
her what good reasons she could givp for such a
wish. The lady stated that she did not like to
live ;t!) her husband because he was an ",n
--fidei. The Judge informed her that a differ
ence o religious opinions, or a lack of them al
together was no ground for a divorce ; and un
less the ; , '•/ should give a r-*a<on more in ac
cordance v: itS the law in such cases mad- and
provided, she co'd not have her wishes gratified.
I he lady e-rned perplexed, but r ioirsed
"Why, I have read in th- papers of wives
being divorced from their husbands on account
of "infidelity !"
By Eighteen things in which jourig people
render themselves unpohte :
1. Loud laughter.
2. R-ading when othrrs are talking.
3. (Jutting finger-nails in company.
4. Leaving meeting before it is closed.
5. Whispering in meeting.
6. Gazmg atgStrangers.
7. Leaving a stranger without a seat.
8. A waio of reverence for seniors.
9. Reading aloud in company without be
ing asked.
10. Receiving a pr-sent without some mani
festations of gratitude.
11. Making yourself the topic of conversa
tion.
12. Laughing at the mistakes of others.
13. Joking others in company.
14. Correcting older persons than yourself,
especially parents.
15. Commencing talking before others are
ihrough.
16. Answering questions when put to oth
ers.
17. Commencing to eat a? soon as you get to
the table. Ar.il
18. In not listening to what one is saying in
company—unless you desire to show open con
tempi for the speaker. A well bred person
will not make an observation whilst another ol
the co'opany is addressing himself to it.
A. T THIRTY. —Mr. Charles Gist, who was
engaged in taking the census in Cincinnati,
tells a good anecdote of a conversation between
him and a married lady, which will bear re
peating :
"Madam, what age shall I put vou down
at ?"
No direct answer.
"How old is \ our husband
S'Sixty one."
"Your oldest son ?"
*?
f \no tie next ?"
"Twenty one."
'•And how old do you call yourself?"
"f do not Know my age exactly, but it is a
bout thirty."
"Did I understand you madam, that jour ol
dest sen was 27
"Yes."
"You must surely then, be more ,than thir
ty."
> Well, sir, (quite snappishly,) I told you a
bout thirty. I can't tell exactly : it maj b<
thirty one or two, but I'm positive not ovei
that
How TO RUIN YOUR HEALTH.—
Ist. Sleep in bed late.
2d. Eat hot suppers.
3u. Turn day into night, and night intc
day.
4th. Take no exercise.
sth. Always ride when you can walk.
6th. Never mind wet feet.
7th. Have hail a dozen doctors.
Bth. Drink all the medicine they send you.
10th. It they do not kill you, quack your
self.
uF°"A clergx man ot Concord, N. H., met a
little bov of his acquaintance on the cars, and
said to him :
•'This is a quite a stormy day, my son."
"Yes, sir," said the boy ; "this is quite a wet
rain."
The clergyman, thinking to rebuke such hy
perbole, asked it he ever knew ol any other
than wet rain.
"I never knew personally of any other,"
said the boy, "but I hare read in a certain book
of a time when it rain-d fire and brimstone, and
I guess that was not a wet rain."
ESSENCE OF YOUNG AMERICA. —Seen*—(Jab-
in of the New World. Little boy, with "let
ter in the post-office," eyeing old gentleman
in blue and "yailer," and with a large mouth.
Little Boy (enquiringly)—" Who made that
slit under your not), old leller ?"
Old gentleman—"Sir, you are impudent."
Little Boy, (suggestively)— Careless cuss,
wan't he ?—cut a little deeper he'd Lad yer
head or!."
Old gentleman vanished to the tune of "Go
it while yer young."
[CP'The following is a literal copy of the
last questions proposed fur discussion in a
colored debating club where phonetics were
practiced :
Is dansin merellie rong ?
Istheredin of fictishius works comtnendi
ble ?
Is it necessary that females should receive a
thurry edicashun ?
Ort females take part in pollyti x !
Duz dress constitute the morrel part of
wtmmen ?
'J3 ?= ""The little darling—he didn't strike Mrs.
Smith's baby a purpose, did he ? It vras a mere
accident wasn't it, sonny ?"
"Yes mar, to be sure it was, and if he don't
behave himself I'll crack him again."
WB|<E HeißElt 941.
-ige, \cu say if I punch a man. even
in fun, he can take ir. "up (or assault and bat
tery t"
"Ye?. sir, I said that, and what f 'aid T re
peat. It you punch a man you are guiitv of a
breach ol the peace, and can be arrested tor
it."
"Ain't Ihpre no exceptions
"No sir. no exceptions whatever."
"Judge, I think you are mistaken. Surpose
for instance, I should brandy-pur i,irn—vnat
then V
"No levity in court, sir. Sheriff expose this
man to the atmosphere. Call case."
PERSONAL. — "When are you going to com
mence tlie pork business ?" asked a person of
another, who had a stv on his eye.
"Explain yourself, sir," said the afflicted gen
tleman.
"Why I see that you have your sty quite
readv."
"True," replied the other, "and Jl've a bog
in my eye now !"
The querist vamosed.
e following occurred in a school in
his country :
Teacher—What part of speech is the word
Boy—(hesitating) —"Noun, Sir."
Teacher—"What's its gender ?"
Boy—(perplexed)—"Can't tell, sir."
Teacher—"ls it masculine, feminine, or neu
:er ?"
Boy—(looking sharp)— Can't say, sir, till it
s hatched!"
you see a gentleman at midnight
in the step in front of his house combing bis
rair vvith the door-scraper, you'may judge h e
las been out to an evening party.
soldier who was once wounded ir baf
fle. set up a terrible bellowing. An Irishman
who laid near, with both legs shot off, immedi
ately sung out :
"Bad luck to the likes of re, do ye think that
nobody is kilt but yourself ?"
following beautiful stanza is copied
from alvoung lady's album.
"Fair made, when I B hold urp face
& gaize in two ure azhur ize
My love is warmed in 2 a blaze,
5c thauts within mi bosom rize
2 big for mi week tung 2 uttpr,
which leaves mi hart awl in a flutter."
A LAMENT.— A weather-bound individual
standing under an awning during a late shnw
: °r was beard to utter the following lament :
'Two? ever thus from childhood's hour
There afwi.'ih 0 ?. me fell :
When I ain't got no umbereil.
TF'A vnung ladv was waltzing the other e
vening, and a gentleman friend was standing
near. During a momentary pause, he said fo
her :
"I saw them—tbpy're blue."
Now it appears thp young ladv had blup m
spffs on her slippers, and also blue garters, and
being uncertain as to which her friend referred,
she concluded to stop waltzing in the expanded
crinoline she fhen wore.
An advocate having lately gained a suit for
a poor young lady, she remarked : "I have
nothing to pay you with, sir, but my heart."
"Hand it over to the clerk, if you please, I
wish no fee for myself."
O^F*"ln Cincinnati, an Irishman became angrv
a' a darkey, and broke seven or eight bricks
upon his head without dome him the Jeast in
jury. The n°gro, who was perfectly cool du
ring the operation, pxclaimed : "Struck away
white man—dis'chile don't mind lem pebbles
no how ! yah ! yah !"
fTF~A writer in an Arkansas paper, who is
evidently no friend of Lincoln, give? us his sen
timents in the following style :
Two posts standanl,
One beam crossanf,
One rope pendant,
Abram at the end on't,
Gloriou, splendent.
A bereaved Western widow addressed the
pall-bearers at the funeral with—"You pail
bearers, just go into the buttery, "and get some
rum, and we'll start this man right'along."
A sforv is told ot a tavern keeper bv thp name
of A. S. Camp. The painter, in painting his
sign, left out the points, so it read : Tavern
kept by A S C A M P.
Jones, why do vou wear that bad
hat i"
"Because, mv dpar sir, Mrs. Jones vows she
will not go out of the house until I get a new
ane."
editor of a paper in Indiana, wants
>o know if Western whiskey was pver seen
"comin' thro' the rye ?"
irr-Qnilp says there's many a woman strong
enough to hold a fractious horse who can't hold
her tongup.
fL7 = ""Bob, is that dog of your'n a point
er r '
"Nr.. he's half hunter and half setter j he
bunts when he's hungry, and sets by the
stove when he's satisfied."
(CF~Thp man that drew a long breath has fa
ken another chance in the same lottery.
VOI. 4 NO. i 4.