VOLi nE r7.
NEW SERIES.
Broad top hail-koad 1
. cements have been effected between the ■
K. CO. and HUNTINGDON!
• RIIO AD TOP R. R. GO., by which Freights are I
L.rted at the following low rates; From,
unwell to Philadelphix, Flour, 62 4 cents per hir- j
f Grain 31 cents per 100 lbs. Merchandize
wLtward. From Philadelphia to Hopewell, per 100 ,
Wt Class, 7.j cents. 2d class. 00 cts. 3d class | |
a cents. Ith class. 35 cents. Salt and Plaster.;-
' v '.lah'fs Westward are received at the Pennsyl-
Railroad Station, 13th and Market Streets, j
.Utiw-'of Brosd.op K. X,_..d '
Fiei"ht a<ent, Pen'na. R. R. Co., Phil a.
S. S. Ff.UCK,
l- hi A cent. H. &B.T. R. R.. Hopewell Station.
'lUFUesbutg Coal, Fine and C.ump, always on hand
and for sale. S. S. FLUCK.
Sept. ",^ 60 -
/CONFECTIONARY
(J AND GROCERY.
THF unilers'zoed has juM leceived and keeps
coos-antly on hand the following articles
c-Uep tuar, molasses, cheese, crackers, curiants,
" 'raisins, figs, almonds, filberts, cocoa nuts,
groundnuts, pecans, Eng. walnuts, cream nuts, can
" „ s in variety, oranges, lemo"=. tobacco sod cigars,
~-ce and pepper, spices of all kinds, batting so
"V ' ream of tartar, sulpbur. brimstone, canister
1 ■ a powder, shot, caps and lead, grain and grass |
ttirl. wbettin? tools, wash tubs and boards, in- |
xtract logwood, coppe-as, a'.um and madder, |
'. H , |!S h and Mason's blacking, sweeping, dusting
shoe and scrubbing, brushes, clothes, hair,
i, ■ d flesh brushes, bat and infant brushes, hair
„ • perfumery, purses and port mona.es, pock
• ' n omorandum books, bonnet and round gum
r< << .dding" and fine combs, bracelets and j
C pen-, pen-holders, penknives, scissor-, kniie- |
, - -teners, umbrellas, suspenders, spool cottoo and |
,xs' clocks, small looking glares, v-ohos, viol.ni
•T-jpes, toy watches, watch chains, cany combs, ,
card-s borse brushes, shoe-thieod, pegs and ]
hies, Johnson's Arabian Liniment, Rock and Little s ,
White Oil, Merchant's celebrated Gargling Oil, lor
mar. or beast, and many other articles ola similar
nature. The patronage of the public is respectiullv
solicited. a L DF.FI BAUGH.
June 17,'59.-ly.
t>loody hi n foundry
I 5 AND MACHINE S R O P •
fHF. subscriber? are now preparer) at thei
Foundry in Bloodv Run, to till ail orders for Castings
THRESHING
MACHINES. APPLE MILLS, PLOUGHS and
all things else in outline that may be needed in this
or adjoining counties.
\Ve Ti'tilllliacniie ri,,-i..- M- u ' 1 or
Hor-e Power, WARRANTED equal if not supenoi
to any made in the State. We keep constantly on
hand a full assortment of Woo.i Cock, Plug and
Hillside Ploughs, WARRANTED 'o give satislac
tion" or no sale. Points, shares end land sides to fit
all Woodcock, or Seyler ploughs in the county.
Farmers' Bells, Ploughs and Castings ot our make
may be had at the store of
Wm. Hartley, in Bedford.
Sonderbaugb K Pee, East Providence Tp.,
John Nycum he Son, " "
Times being bard, we offer great inducements to
Farmers and~Mechanics to buy of us.
All kinds of repairing done in a neat and substan
tial manner and all work warranted. Call and ex
amine our castings and work and judge tor your
selves. Our agents sell at foundry prices.
JOSIAH BAUGH.MAN he KRO.
March 26, 1658.
* FOUNDRY & MACHINE SHOD.
1
THF. subscrbecs having formed a partnership
under the style of "Dock hs Aschom" for the pur
pose of conducting a general
FOUNDRY AND MACHINE
business in the establi-hment recently erected by
Gilliard Dock, in Hopewell, Bedford countv. ar- nnw
prepared to execute orders lor CASTINGS Ah D
MACHINERY of everv description. They will
build to order steam-engines, coal and dritt-c3rs,
horse powers and threshing machines—also, casting
of every kind tor furnaces. Jorges, saw, grtsi and
rolling mills, ploughs, water-pipe, columns, bouse
fronts, bracke s, hcc., hcc.
They are also, now making a fine assortment of
STOVES of various kinds ot the latest patterns and
mo-t approved styles, including several s-zes of
COOK STOVES of the best make, hetting stoves
for chuiches, offices, bar-rooms, hcc.
A full assortment of Stoves will be kept constant
ly on hand, and sold at wholesale and retail, at
prices to suit the times, and quality, warranted
qual to the best Eastern make. Machinery of all
inds repaired pr omptly. Pattern- made to order.
GILLIARD DOCK,
C. W. ASCHOM.
Nov. It, ISS'J
DEDFORD COUNTY MAP
1 Will mas-e a directory map of Bedford County
from actual surveys, if a sufficient number ol -ui>
scribers can be raised to justify me in the enter
prise.
The map will be large and well finished and w i Ti
show the location of all the public roads streams,
boundary lines, towns, villages, Hotels, ( (lurches,
School House?. Post Offices, stores, grist mills, saw
mills ,Vc., hcc., and will contain the names of all the
property holders, and show the businesthat almos.
each one is engaged in. I will put on the satns
sheet maps of all the towns and large villages, ai>o
tables and statistics o! the County and (if taken in
time) the census of IS6O. Pains will be taken to
make it a- reliable as anv Map in the Sa jf-
Julv 1,'59. EPW'P. L. WALKF.R.
\\ ASHI\(iTA
> > BEDFORD. PA.
MRS. S. FILLER would respectfully announce to
her friends in Bedford County, and to the public
generally, that she has leased, for a term of years,
the latge and convenient brick hotel, at the comer
of P-tt and Juliana streets. Bedford, Pa., known as
the "WASHINGTON HOUSE," and lately kept by
MRS. COOK. This house is being thoroughly re
fitted anil refurnished, and is now open for the re
ception of guests. Visitors to the "BEDFORD
SPRINGS" and persons attending Court, will find
this bouse a pleasant and comfortable temporary
home. Ev-ry attention will be paid to the comfort
and accommodation of guests. The table will at al!
time? be supplied with the best the markets affotd.
Charges moderate.
Extensive stabling is attached to this bote!, and
a careful and competent hotler will be in atten
dance. Special attention will be paid to the accom
modation of the rarming community.
March 30tb. 1860.
\ LOT OP PURE MAPLE SUGAR, FOR SALE
. \ bv „
.lullvo.-00. A. L. DEFIKAUGH.
'FHE BEDFORD GAZETTE
"™- IS PUBT.ISHEC EVERY FRIOAY MORNING
BY B. F. IIEYEBS,
At the following terms, to wit:
$1.50 per annum, CASH, in advance.
s2.ou " " if paid within the year.
$2.50 " " if not paid within the year.
subscription taken for less than six months.
C3°"No paper discontinued until all arrearages are
paid, unless at the option of the publisher, at hae
heen decided by the United States Courts that ths
stoppage of a newspaper without toe payment ol ar
rearages, is prima fact? evidence ot fraud and is a
criminal offence.
K?~Tbe courts have decided that persons are ac
countable for the subscription price of newspapers,
it they take them from the post office,whether they
subscribe for them, or not.
AN ADVENT! RE IN INDIA-
"Your turn now, captain," was the exclama
tion of several parties, who were seated rounJ
the convivial board, telling stories, narrating
adventures, singing songs, and drinking each
other's healths.
"What will you have, gentlemen?" in
quired Captain S , a small, wiry man of
middle age, who had seen service in India.
"Oh, one of your most thrilling adventures,"
said one of the party; "for suiely you must
have had some, while stationed in that wild
legion which is said to teem with them."
'•Ah ! very well, gentlemen I remember
one that I think thai will intetest you, and
here you have it. It was in the year 183-,
that j joined my regiment, as a sub, at Banga
lore, and not being used to such a climate,
where the mercury runs up to 110 degs. in the
spring, with no idea ot coming down again till
autumn, I soon found myself an invalid, and
almost cursed the day that 1 had been tempted
to leave cool old England for such a sweltering
country. Some of my friends advised a trip to
the Malabar coast, and I was nothing loth to try
anv change, believing even the worst I could
possibly make must be for the better. So 1
procured a palanquin, and good bearers,
'to take a turn aoout, and set. off" forthwith,
I through as wild a country as jioor mortal could
i wish to see.
"Nothing remarkable happened till we en
tered what is known as the Wynaid Jungle,
aud if nothing had happened there I should
have been tempted to indite the whole country
as a libel on appearances. Such a jungle as
that may I never behold again ! Reeds, weeds,
grass, brambles, and bushes were interlaced
like a network beneath gigantic trees ol teak,
whos i) ws interlocked and canopied the whole,
so that n many places the bright sunshine of
never pnitwaittf vu the rand , as I
borne along in rny palagquin, on the' shoulders
ot four timid coolies, while the other four wal
ked leisurely behind, I had the satisfaction of
knowing 1 was in a perfect wilderness inhabit
ed by wild elephants, wild boars, tigers, jeop
ards, hyenas, jackals, and any number ot deadly
reptile?, aud tnat if vve were attacked, by any
feiocious beast, I should probably be deserted on
theinstaut and left to take care of myself. And
then fancy me at night, with ali these howling
beasts arounti me, attempting to sleep, amid all
the jioisonous exhalations ot a malarious region,
with miUioas, of mosquitoes, molha and bugs,
humming, buzzing, and perforating every pore
of body, and you will form some faint idea ot
the pleasures of a sick man's journey.
"Well, one hot, sultry afternoon, when we
iiad reached somewhere near the heart of litis
jungle, as 1 was leaning back on the seat ofmy
palanquin, aud dreamily to the drowsy,
monotonous song oi the bearers, 1 was suddenly
rous"d and startled by two or three hoarse
trumpet blasts, which proceeded from a wild
elephant, who was crashing thiough the jungle
at no great distance ; but before I had '.ifm* lor
a word, my attendants dropped ine without
ceremony, and betooK themselves to flight. I
leaped to mv feet,with kind of delirous strength,
and, know ing there was not a minute between
me and eternity il I remaind where I then,
1 plunged into the copse, aud ran like a madman
in the direction opposite to the sounOs of mv
advancing loe.
"Fortunately for me, I was only a few sec
onds in reaching 'he foot ola iarge teak tree,
up which I began to climb as only a man may
climb for life. 1 heard the monster crushing
down the bdshes, and making the very earth
tremble under his powerful tread, and I went
up, up, up, faster than 1 ever climbed a tree
before or ever shall again, with every stitch
of clothes upon me completely saturated with
the perspiration wrung troin me in an agony
of fear —not so much the natural fear ot death
itself, as the instinctive fearol such a death.
"1 think the animal nuis' have turned Irom
a direct course before e.-pying rne ; for though
close upon me, as 1 supposed, when 1 began to
climb, 1 succeeded in leactnng tbe first limb,
at least some thirty feet from the earth, when
ihe ma ie his appearance at the foot of the tree,
' snorting and bellowing in the most terrific
manner. Seeing me beyond his reach, he
I lashed himself into a perfect fury, his compara
tively small, p'2 like eyes shooting gleams ol
tire a? he casi|them upwards in his disappoin
ted rage. Then lay ing hold of the tree with
I his trunk, he tried his strength in shaking it ;
j but as it vvas too heavy for hun to eudanger my
> position by that means, he soon relinquished it
j for another. Quietly stepping back a lew
paces, he measured his ground ; and then with
a sudden bound forward, he struck the tree a
tremendous blow with his head and tusks. 1
was watching him closely, but only barely
comprehended his design in time to throw my
arm? and legs around a limb, and brace myself
for the shock. Nor was lat all too well pre
pared ; for tbe concussion brnised ine con
siderable, and it seemed to me as it a few
pounds more force must have sent me clean
lrom off rny perch.
"But my enemy was not done yet. Step
ping back and looking up at me with an ex
pression that seemed to inquire what I thought
of it, at the same time that he would assure me
ot its being only the beginning ofjhis battering
BEDFORD, PA„ FRIDAY MORNING, NOVEMBER 16,1860.
operations, he returned to the charge wilh in-j
creased vigor. But this time 1 was better
prepared for him, and come not so near being j
unseated as on Ihe first trial. Nothing dis
couraged, he retreated still further, aud then i
came down like an avalanche. It was terri- ;
ble. *1 had.twined and braced myself in every j
possible manner ; but when he struck, it seemed ;
a? if the concussion, after first bruising me, and
almost knocking the breath from my body, re-,
laxed evprv nerve. Doubtless, I should have
fallen to the earlb below, only that I was
pretty securely balanced in the crotch of the
tiee, and, having resisted the main shock, had
now no difficult) in retaining an upright posi
tion.
"On again looking diwn at the elephant, I
was surprised to see him with his head last a-1
gainst the tree, lashing his tail, pawing the
earth, and uttering a sort of moaning, bellow
ing sound, altogether not unlike a vicious bull
when about to make ail attack. I did not at
first comprehend what had occurred, but suppo
sed his actions to result (rom the anger ot dis- i
appointment in not being anle to bring m° to
the ground. But I soon had cause tor rejoi
cing rather than fear. His last charge had
, been made with so much force, as to imbed his
long ivory tusks in the tree, aud he was now a
I piisoner to his own brute strength. In vain he ,
| pulled and wrenched, moaned, bellowed, and
1 lashed himself into a perfect fury. Ttiete he
! was, a fast prisoner—caught, as one might say,
1 in his own trap —and if ever a poor mortal was
j justified in rejoicing over the mistortuoes ot a
i living creature, I think that individual t vvas
myself.
"But 1 was still a prisoner also. How was
I to get down ? and how make mv escape when
down ? True, the elephant might not be able
to liberate himself in tune to do me any injury;
but I already knew euougt: ol tbe terrible jun
gle to (eel little inclination to sett off' through
tit alone. There were many intricate paths
j branching off from the main one, over which I
I had been borne, and the mistake ol taking any
j one ot these would almost certainly be fatal—
! resulting in death from starvation through be
; ing lost, or death from some one of the thousand
' other surrounding perils. W hat should I do ?
! It was reasonable to hope that seme of my at-
S tpndants would, sooner or latter, return to learn
i the late of their master ; and before venturing
on anything rash, I resolved to wait a proper
i time tor them.
"Drearilv passed the next three hours that I
' remained upon my pj'ldy perch, above the im- 4 ;
prisoned beast, looking off upon an undulating i
>mo uf UIMICU lot IUX; ?, win, !.- ~jn of lhar
j tropical climate pouring down upon ine its
! scorching rays, and almost stifling me with its
j feverish hea'. How eagerly I turned my eyes
in every direction, in ttie hope of getting a
1 glimpse of one my attendants, to whom I could
make known my situation. No human being
i was in sight, and my wildest shouts brought no
reply. Should 1 remain where I was, or de
i scend ? W'e were, as f knew, almost a half a
! day'sjournev from anv settlemeinent, and it
| would therefore he impossible fitvf me to reach a
! habitation belore nightfall, even should I be for
; tunate enough to follow the nearest path, while
a single mistake would leave me to peri-h in
j that awful solitude. I decided, therefore, to
I remain where 1 vvas. either till the sun ofanolh
i er day, or till 1 should s-e at least one human
| being capable uf acting as -t guide.
! "The sun was rapidly Hearing the western
' horizon, and f was despairing of any succor that
; day, when my attention was attracted to a com
- motion in the jungle, some quarter of a mile
•' distant. Bird? ol various kinds flew upscream
i ing, and either hovered over the spot in anger
!or darted quickly away in (ear, and I could
! catch glimpses ol the deer, the elk, and the buff
j aio, bounding off in every direction. What
j could be the cause ot this disturbance ? Was
! •( some one or more of my attendants turning
>to ascertain my late ? Alvn, I knew, was al
i most universally teare! bv tne wild, leathered
| tribe of the wilderness and Hie annuals of tbe
• brute creation, aud in man was now my hope
' Wildly did my heart beat, and eageily did I
strain ray ey-s to catch a view of my deliver
er.
"The line of commotion advanced slowly,
but still I could not be certain of the cause.—
Nearer and nearer it gradually came, till at last
I felt a cold thril of terror pass through my
frame, as I suddenly caught a glimpse ot the
i sleek, spotted hide of a royal tiger, slowly and
; softly making his way the jungle di
j rectlv towards the tree upon which I was
' perched. I looked down at the elephant, and
! perceived that by some peculiar faculty or in
i stinct he was already aware uf his danger.—
| He was standing perfectly still, no longer ma
king an effort to release himself, but I could
see tbe skin of his broad back quiver, as if ev
ery nerve of his body were effected.
"Tbe tiger gradually drew nearer, and at
last stopped within a few paces, as if to calcu
late his chances. Then, with bristling hair, he
stole sofliy round bis intended victim in a broad
circle, his sharp teeth visible and his terrible
eyes glaring with fierce anger and desire.—
, Then crouching for the spring, he gave one
; fearful roar and bound,and fairly landed upon j
j the back of his helpless victim, who uttered one
! agonized cry—a sort of shriek and groan com-
I bined—that made me pity him. enemy though
j he was.
"But his sufferings were of short, duration ;
as he could make no resistance, tne tiger had
matters all his own way ! and almost in tbe
time it takes me to tell you the fact, he nad torn
open the throat of the giant beast, and was
drinking his fill of the warm gushing blood.—
This sight sickened me, and I clung to the tree j
wilh closed eyes and a dizzy brain.
"When I looked again, the terror of jungle
was making his retreat, licking his chops with
glutted satisfaction. T iooked down at the el
ephant, and beheld a gory carcass, still held to
the tree by his tusks. He was dead, and in his '
death wa? perhaps my own salvation, though I 1
Freedom of Thon|ht and Opinion.
was still afraid to descend, lest I should be as
sailed by some carnivorous beast, attracted thith
er by the smell of blood.
"I expected nothing but that I should be
compelled to remain there through the night ;
but 1. bethought me to trv the virtue of my
voice again, and shouted for help. To my sur
prised and almost frantic jov, an answer was re
turned. I repeated my call tor help, and one
of my attendants made his appearance. I ex
plained what had occurred, and by a signal ol
bis own, he soon brought three of the other to
his side, I then descended, but found myself
very faint, and vvas bv two of them assisted to
rny palanquin where I swooned away.
"It is enough to add that I passed thro' the
jungle in safety ; though if any gentleman
thinks I flattered myself on being a hero before
I left it, 1 beg to undeceive him. i have since
experienced some remarkable adventures, but
none thai have left upon my mind so vivid an
impression of the terrible as the one I have just
related."
AN ELEPHANT EGG.
The following French anecdote is transla
tep for the Boston Saturday Evening Gazette.
At the last lair at Tarascon there were of
course assembled a troupe of gymnasts, juglers
. accrofiats, and a multitude of menageries, in one
ol which was an Asiatic Elephant remarkable
fur the largeness of his ears. His owner call
ed htin Kiouki 11.
Among the accrobatic troupe was a maker of
red balloons, recently so popular in England \
and America. He travelled wilh the show, j
and seduced a couple ol sous from the pockets j
of many a patron of it by selling him a balloon. :
A countryman slopped one day belore the ;
menagerie tent, and enticed by a painted rep- i
resentation of the elephant, paid his money to j
see him. Astonished at his size, he asked the '
balloon man as he went out.
•'Does that beast oriug forth young, or lay ;
Without a moment's hesitation, the mounte- j
bank replied.
"He lays eggs."
"I thought so."
• "And if you wish one, to afford you tne hap- j
piness of possessing, ur.der your own roof, an ;
individual of his species, for a frame I will '
guarantee that you shall carry home what no
one else in the country possesses."
The greenhorn did not hesitate to offer hi?
money, and the acrobat presented a red bal
j loon.
I "Behold the egg I had the honor to promise
it Lane only—and only for you,
because the Jarein des Planets at Paris buys all
my elephant's eggs at six francs apiece, lor the
Algerine expeditions, where they use all the el
ephants they can find for the war against In
diana. 1 chose the lightest egg 1 could find for
! you, that you might not wait too long lor it to
natch. Its mother having already sat upon it
many days, it will suffice you to wrap it up in
wool and lay it in a dry place, to obtain with
out expense and without effort, the magnificent
Asiatic product which it contains!"
"Astonishingbut how in regard to suck
ling him ?"
"Easy enough. No consequence what quad
ruped nourishes him. Lacking ,a cow, a sow,
or even a goal, you can 0i mg him up yourself
on turtle soup."
The country man departed, charmed with his
prize, and to keep if safelv as possible, wrapped
it in a blue cotton handkerchief which he bad
bought at the fair for his wile. But in spite
ol all the care of which the egg that bore
i Jvioukt 11 was the object, it was written in the
Book ol Destiny that its proprietor should not
see it ha'ched under his roof.
Some little distance from the village where
our countryman resided runs a stream. He ap
proached it Ijr the purpose ot imbibing the clear
water. For th- purpose ot makina a cup with
his hands, he deposited the precious burden on
the ground. He drank fieelv of the water
then rising, turned to his elephant's egg. He
looks to the right and to tne left, but no egg !
He looks above him sees the egg rising higher—
higher —and carrying with it his wife's hand
kerchief.
He believed that the elephant was a
bout to be hatched, and it was not long after
the Jegg was out of sight 1 hat he returned
borne crest fallen. Hi? wife asked him where
the handkerchief was he had promised 'o bring
her. Then lie narrated 'be entire adventure.
The good woman opened her eyes and ear?
and seeing her husbands grief not only at the
loss ol the elephant : but of tbe handkerchief,
exclaimed :
"Content yoursell husband ; I'll be content
with my black handkerchief, and I'm glad to
know the poor baby hasn't gone off with swad
dling clothes !"
A LAUGHABLE STORY.
The Mobiie Register is responsible for tbe fol
lowing mirth provoking incident .
For twenty-three years old Jake VV il lard ha?
cultivated the soil of Baldwin county, and
drawn tnerelrom a suppoit for self and wife.—
He is childless. Not long ago, Jake left the
: house in search of a missing cow. His route
led hiin through an old worn out patch of day
land, of about six acres in extent, in the centre
of which vvas a well, 25 or 30 teet deep, that
at some time probably had furnished the inmates
!of a dilapidated house near by with water. In
passing by this ?pot, an ill-wind lifted Jake's
"tile" from his head, and maliciously wafted I
il to the edge of the well, and in it turn
■ b.ed.
Now Jake had always practiced the virtue
of economv and he immediately sat about re
; covering the lost hat. He ran to the well, and
finding it was dry at the bottom, he uncoiled
the rope winch he had brought for the purjiose
| of captuiing thp truant cow, and after several!
attempts to catch the hat with a noose, he con
cluded tc save time by going down into the well
! himself. To accomplish this, he mad* fast onp
pnd of the rope to a stump hard by and was'
quickly on his way down the well.
It is a fact, ol which Jake was no less obvi- j
ous than the reader hereof, that Ned Wells was
in the dilapidated building aforesaid, and that
an old blind horse, with a on his neck, who
had been turned out to die, was [lazily gtazing
within a short distance of the well.
The devil himself or some other wicked spirit
put it into Npd's cranium to have a little fun,
so he quietly slipped up tojthe old horse and
unbuckled the bell strap, approached with slow
measured, "ting-a-ling-ting" the edge of the
wpII.
"G d *dang that old blind boss!" said
Jake, "he's a comin this way sure, and ain' got j
no more sense than to fail in here. Whoa, ,
Ball."
But the continued approach of the "ting-a
ling" said just as words that "Hall" wouldn't
whoa. Besides, Jake was at the bottom
resting, before trying to "shin" it up the
rope.
"Great Jerusalem !" said he, "the old cuss
will be a top of me before I can say Jack
Robison. Whoa.' G d dang you—
whoa !"
Just then Ned drew up to the edge of the
well, and with his toot he kicked a little dirt
into it.
"Oh, Lord !" Vsclaimed Jake, falling upon
his knees at the bottom. "I'm gone now, who.
Now I lay me down to sleep—w-h-o-a Ball—
T pray the Lord my soul to—tv-h-0-a now.—
Oh ! Lord, have mercy on my poor soul.—
j Whoa, Ball.
j Ned could hold no longer, and fea-ful Jake
. might suffer from his fright, be revealed him
i sell.
i Probablv Ned didn't make tracks with his
i hells from that well. Maybe Jake wasn't up
; to thp top of it in short order, and you might
i think he didn't try every night for two weeks
to get a shot with his rifle at Ned. Maybe not.
' I don't know. But Ido know, if Jake finds
i out who sent you this, il will be tbe last squib
j you'll get.
SOLILOQUY OF A LOAFEE-
Let's see, where am I ? Yes, I mind now.
i Was coming up street, m-t a wheelbarrow
I wheelbarrow was drunk, comin t'other way ;
; the wheelbarrow fell over me, or I over the
: wheelba r row, and one ot us fell into the celiar
| —don't know which now—guss it must have
i been me. I'm a nice man—yes, I am tight!
tore ! drunk ! Well, I can't help it—'.ain't
my fault—wonder whose fault 'tis ? I? it Jones
fault ? No Is it my wife's fault ? No. It's
whiskey's fault. Who is whiskey ? Has he a
large family ? All poor, I reckon. I think
I won't own jhim any more. I'il cut his ac
quaintance—l've had the notion for about ten
years, and I alwavs hate to do it tor fear of hur
ting hi? feelings. I'll do it now—l think
liquor i? injuria' me, its spoilin' my tem
per.
Sometimes I get mad when I'm drunk, and
abuse B-ts and the brat?—it used to be Lizzie
and the children—that's some time ago. I'd
come home of evenings, she used to put her
arms around mv neck and kiss me, and call mp
dear William. When I come home now, she
takes her pipa out of her mouth and hair out
of her eyes, and savs somethin' like, "Bill, J ou
drunken brute, shut the door after you ; we're
calc enough havin' no fire, 'thout lettin' the
snow blow in that way." Yes, she's Bets, and
I'm Bill, now, I ain't a good Bill nuther ; won't
pass a tavern wilhout goin' in and gittin'
drunk. Don't know what bank-I'm on. Last
Saturday night I was on the river bank
drunk.
I stay out pretty late ; no, sometimes I'm out
I all night : fact is, I'm pretty much out all over
!—out of elbows and knees, and always out-ra
i geouslv dirty—-so Bets says ; but then she ? no
' judge, for she's never clean herself. I wonder
i whv she doesn't wear good clothe?—may be
' she hasn't got 'em ; whose fault's that ? tain t
j mine, must be whiskey's.
J Sometimes I'm in, however —I'm in-toxica
ted now, in somebody'-? coal cellar. There's
one principle I've got, 1 won't get in debt ] I
never could do it. There, one ot my coat tails
is gone—got tore off", I expect, when I fell in
i here ; I'll have to get a new suit soon.
A fellow fold me that I'd make a good sisn
■ for a paper mill, t'other day. If he wasn't so
I big I'd kick htm. I've had this shirt on for
nine davs, and I'm afraid it won't come off
without tearing. People oosht to respect me
more thnn they do for I'm in holy order?.
I ain't a dandy, though mv clothes are pret
ty npar the Grecian style. I guess I tore this
window shutter in my pants 'tother night
when I sat down in the wax in Ben Rogg's
shop, and I'll have to get them mended or
mv —constitution mtght suffer : I ain't very
stout as it is. As the boys say. I'm fat as a
match, and healthy a? the small-pox.
My best hat has bepn standing guard for a
window pane that went out the other morning,
|at the invitation of a brick. It's geltin' cold
< down here : wonder if I ain't able to climb. I(
I had a drink, 1 could think better. Let's see ,
f ain't got three cents, il I was in a tavern I
would sponge one. Whenever a person treats
and ?av?. "come fellows," I always think my
name is "fellers," and I've got too good manner
to refuse. Well, I must leave this, .or they'll
arrest me for an attempt at burglartv. I ain't
I come to that yet. Anyhow, It was the wheel
barrow that did the harm, not me
j L_
| fCr""Didn't you tell me you could hold tbe
i plow ?" said a farmer to a green Irishman
whom he had taken on trial.
"Arrah ! be aisv now," said Pat, "how the
j deuce can I hold it, and two horses drawing it
awavfrom me! but give it to me in fthe barn,
and bejabers, I'll hold it with anybody.",
i [Gr~A man who had been married twice to
I ladies both named Catherine, advised his friend
i against taking dupli-Kates
WHOLE
VOL. 5. NO. l a.
THE HAPPT LAND. —Some 'feller,' (we think
tt was an ex-devil of a country newspaper)
with a hankering after an elysium* thus sighs
his soul away.
"Oh, is there not a happy land
A land beyond the seas—
Where pot pie smokes m boundless lakes,
And dumplings grow on trees ?
Where gingerbread is found in stacks.
And smearcasa by the ton,
And when you do a job of work
You get the "ready John."
Where .Nature's lessons tnav be read,
In every babbling brook ?
Where bumble bees don't sting a chap,
And inuley cows don't hook ?"
To CORWIN REBUKED. —The Springfield,
111., Register, of Oct. 17, says :—"On Monday
last, Mr. Tom Corwin addressed a Republican
meeting at Jacksonville. When he was about
closing, a note was handed to him. He opened
U, and glancing at the first lines, saw it was an
invitation. Byway ol affording him a pre
text lor not speaking any ofttipr than he had
i bargained for, he told the crowd that be had
justJ~eceived an invitation, which he would
read. Mr. Corwin then read the note. It
i was couched in the most polite terms, and ex
tended an earnest and pressing invitation to the
Hon. Mr. Corwin to visit—only one mile dis
i tant— the "Tomb of Hardin, who bad been wel
i corned in Mexico, bv bloody hands to a hospi
-1 able grave Corwin was thunderstruck.
He put the rto'e down, took it op, twisted it,
tiung his head, and said nothing. The multi
tude, about equally divided between Democrats
and Republicans, looked on 'the pittiable sight
in silence. The rebuke was a crashing one. It
was a complete discomfitute. Corwin at last
essayed a justification of his course on the Mex
ican war, failed, provoked the jeering faunas ol
the crowd, left the stand, and quitted Jackson
ville."
j DoESTrcKS ON BIIELIARDS. —The following is
. Doesticks' idea of fhe game of billiard. "1
need hardls tell you that the game of biliards
consists in punching ivory balls about on a big
table covered with green cloth that looks like
, half an acre of meadow land with an India
rubber fence around it ; that the halls are
t punched with long wooden tamrodswith wax
, on the end to save the wood, and leather on the
s end to save the wax, and chalk put on to keep
j the leather from wearing out. You take sour
; ramrod and rub some chalk on the little t end ;
then you l-an ever the table . then you squint
, then you li f t up your leg : then vou fiddle a
. little on your left hand with your ramrod ; then
{ you punch your bail : if your bai! runs against
. the other man's ball you've done a big thing,
and you poke up a lot of buttens that are strung
j on a wire. This is all there is of the game of
.. billiards—l can, and mavbe vou could.
i
A BUNCOMBE I ENC.'E. —Lawyer—"Now Mr.
1 A. . was the lence alluded to a strong
' fence ?"
t Uncle Will—"Yes Sir."
i Lawyer—" Well, what sort of a fence was
? it?"
: i Uncle Will (holding in) —"It was a Bun
-1 combe fence. Sir."
t Lawyer, (thinking he had cornered the old
' gent,)—" Now Squire, will you oblige the
t Court bv giving your definition of a Buncombe
• fence
Uncle Will—"A Buncombe fence, Sir, is a
t fence that is bull strong, horse high and pig
r tight."
Uncle Will was dismissed from the stand and
i retired with flying colors.
TIF = ""Gocd evening. Miss Brown, very
' pleasint."
"Very."
"Looks very much like a storm."
' "Very."
1 "Are you well this evening ?" *
U "Very."
"Your father's sick.'
"Very."
"Your mother looks smart."
1 "Very."
" "Pon mv honor," muttered Pluggins to him
' sell, as he left the above lady, "she's the verier
Miss 1 ever saw."
printer's appientice says that at the
office they charge him with all the pi they do
find, and at the house they charge him with
' ail they don't find. He does not understand
that kind of logic.
T?* An awkward man. attempting to carve a
goose, dropped it on the floor. "There, now
exclaimed his wife, "we've lost our dinner."
"Oh, no, my dear," answered he, "it's safe—
I've got my foot upon it.
Vat's de malter, vat's de matter V ex
. claimed an old Dutch friend of ours as he tuck
ed up his apron and ran out his shop to know
the meaning of a crowd in his neighborhood.
"There is a man killed,', replied a bystander.
1 "Oh, ish dat all ?" said our friend evidently
disappointed, "Uh dat. all' Shoost a man kilt \
! I dought it wush a fight."
little fellow four years old, the other
! day nonplussej his mother by making the fol
j lowing inquiry :
"Mother, if a man is a Mister, ain't a woman
a Mistery V'
man who put up a stovepipe with
out any prolanity has been found, and a coro
> ; pany have secured him for exhibition in the
I pr-ncipal cities. He will draw better than the
1 pip?-