VOLUME 56. NEW SERIES. SEW AGRICFLTfIML SETTLEMENT, TO ALL WANTING FARMS, A RARE OPPORTUNITY IN A DELIGHTFUL AND HEALTHY CLIMATE 25 MILES SOUTH EAST OF PHILADELPHIA, ON THE CAM DEN AND ATLANTIC RAILROAD, NEW JERSEY. An old estate consisting of several thousand of teres of productive toil has been divided into Farms of various sizes to sail the. purchaser. A popula tion of 'ome Fifteen Hundred, from various parts of the middle States and New England have settl-d there the pa>t year, improved their places, and raited excellent cropc. The price of the land i s at th* low sum of from sls to S2O per acre, the soil of the best quality for the production ol Wheat. Clover Corn, Peach.ee, Grape: and Vegetables. IT IS CONSIDERED THE BEST FRUIT SOIL IN I'HE UNION. The place is perfectly secure from frosts the destructive enemy of the farmer. Crops uf grain, grass and fruit are now growing and can be seen. By examining the place itself, a correct judgment can be formed of the productiveness of toe laud. The terms ate made easy to secure the rapid improvement of the land,, Which is only sold for actual improvement . The result has been, that ■within the past year, some three hundred houses have been erected, two mills, one steam, four stores, some forty vinyards and peach orccards, planted, and a large number of other improvements, making it a desirable ans active place of business. THE MARKET, at the reader msv perceive froiri its location, is the CEisT IN THE UNION, p Products bringing double the price than in loca tions away from the city, and more than double the price in the West, ft is known that the earliest and best fruits and vegetable s in this latitude come from New Jetsey, and are annually exported to the extent of millions. In locating here, the settler has many advantages. He is within a few hours ride >f the great cities of New England and Middle country where every im prov'mtnt of comfort and civilization is at hand He can bay every article he wants at the cheapest price, an 1 sell his prod ice for the highest, (in the West this is reversed,) he has schools fur his chil dren, divine service, and will enjoy an open winter, and delightful climate, where fevers are utterly un known. The result of the change npon those from the north, has generally been to restore the in to ail excellent state ol health. la the way of building and improving, lumber ' ne be obtained at the mills at the rate of *lO 'o sls per thousand. Pricks from the brick yard opened in the place, every article can be procured in the place; good carpenters are at hand, and there it no place in the Union where buildings and im provement can be made cheaper. The reader will at once be struck vvi'h the %d vantages here presented, and ask himself why the property has not beer, taken op before. The reason is, it wat never thrown in the market; and unless the.e stat-mer t were correct, no one would be in vited to examine the land before purchasing. This at! are expected to do. They v-iil sell land under cu.tivEtion, such is the extent of the set'term-it that tbcy will no doubt, meet persons fro n their own neighborhood; they will witness the improvements ar ! can iudge the character of the population. If tfiey come with a view to settle, they should coma piepired to stay a day or two and he ready to pur chase, as locations cannot be held on refusal. There are two daily trains to Philadelphia, and to ali ret'.iers wao improve, THE RAILROAD COMPANY WES A T2SK TICKET FOR SIX MONTHS AM) A HALT RL.CETICKET POT TTTR.KS TEA". THE TOWN OF HA.MMONTON. In connection with the agricultural settlement a new and thriving town ; as naturally arisr, winch presents inducements for any kind of business, particularly etores and manulacTories. The Snoe business coul'i be carried on m this place and market to good advantage, also cotton business, nd man ufactories of agricultural implements or Foundries for casting small articles. The improvement has been so rapid as to insure a constant and permanent increase of business. Town lots of a good size, we do not sell email ones, as it would aliect the im provement of the place, can be had at from SIUO and upwards. The dsmmoiKan Farmer, a monthly literary and agricultural sheet, containing full information of Haminonton, can he obtained at 25 cents per annum. T.tle indisputable—warrantee deeds given, clear of all incumbrance when money is paid. Route to the land : leave Vine street wharf, Philadelphia for Harnmonton by Railroad, 7 A. M.. or 1 { P. M. Fa'e 90 cents.' When there inquire for Mr. Byrnes. Boarding conveniences on hand. Parties bad better atop with Mr. Byrnes, a principal until they have decided as to purchasing, as he will show them over tre land in his carriage, free of expense. Letters and applications can be addressed t<> Landis He Byrnes, Hammonton P. 0., Atlantic Co., New Jersey, or S. B. Coughlin, 202 South Fifth Street, Philadelphia. Maps and information cheerfully furnished. Aug. 19, 1659-Gm. Allegheny Male and Female Seminary, RAIXKKURG, Pa. FACULTY. F.. J. OSBORNE, A. 3., Principal, Prof, of Lan guages and Philosophy. Wm. S~ Smith. Prof, of Malheonatirs. J. H. Miller, Adjunct Prof, of Mathematics. Rev. B. F. Stevens, Lecturer on Moral Philoso phy See. Wm. A Stephens, Prof, of Fnglish Grammar ike. Dr. J. Hughes, Lecturer on Anatomy &c. Mrs. E. V. Osborne, Preceptress, Teacher of Draw ing French, Bo'auy ice. B. F. Drott, Prof, of Instrumental Music. P; ice of Tuition for term of II weeks. Common F.nglish Branches 53 2.3 Higher Branches, including common, each 83 Latin and Greek, each 2 00 German and French, each 2 50 Rocs-keeping and Commercial calculations 1 50 ORNAMENTAL. Drawing 2 50 Colored crayon, and water colors, jeach 3 00 Oil painting •> 30 Hair and w ax flowers, each 3 00 Pellis work :i 00 Embroidery 1 b0 Piano music, with use of instrnment 10 00 Hoard $ I 75 per week including room rent, fuel, furniture ice. This is one of the best, and cheapest institutions in the country. The whole expense per term need no* be more than twenty-five dollars.— Second Quarter ol summer session commences August 4, 1859. T-acher wilt be instructed free of charge in the Norma! Department. For particulars, addiess the Principal. E.J. OSBORNE, A. B- Rain&burg, Bedford ro., April 22, 1859. rpHEL HAM MONT O N FA KMER—A new A paper devoted to Literature and Agricul tare, also setting foit.. lull accounts of the new setg. tlement of Hammonton, in New Jersey, can be sub scribed for at only 25 cents per annum. lr.cln.e postage stamps for the amount. Address 'o the Editor of the Farmer, Hammonion, P. O. At lantic Co., New Jersey. Those wishing cheap lend of the best quality, in one of rhe healthiest and most delightful climates in the Union, and where crops arc never cut down by frosts, the terrible scourge of 'he north, see advertisement of Hammonton Lands. THE BEDFORD GAZETTE 18 PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY MORNING, BY B. F. MEYERS, At the following terms, to wits $1.50 per annum, CASH, in advance. §2.00 " " if palH within the year. $2.50 " " if not paid within the year. E7""No subscription taken for less than six months. CC?""No paper discontinued until all arrearages are paid,unless at the option cf the publishers. It has Seen decided by the United States Courts, that the stoppage cf a newspaper without Ihe payment of ar rearages, is prima facie evidence of fraud and is a criminal offence. tE?"Tbe courts have derided that persons are an. countable for the subscription price of newspapers, if they 'ake them from the post office, whether they subscribe for them, or not. Original. [For the Gazette.] WRITTEN !N AN ALBUM. But few the hours, the fleeting hours, That f have spent with thee ; Yet grateful memory oft recalls , Those hour> of mirth and glee.] j One simple boon 1 ask of thee, If nought else tfcou wilt give ; 'Tis that sorr.e kindly thought ol me, May in thy memory live ; That when you shall open the lids of this token, And look on the verses you told rr.e to write. You will think of a word or a phrase 1 have ipok-n, And fail to condemn what I've traced here to-n:ght. COLD-SPRING, Sept. Stb, 1859. THE BRITISH J]ROLITIONISTS NOMI NATE MR. REWARD FOR THE PRESIDENCY. Wevpubiisri below a remarkable article from the London Daily News, the organ of the 1 Exeter Ilal! Abolitionists, and the faithful chronicler of the proceedings of anti-slavery tea parties in the provincial towns of England, in I which ivlr. William H. Seward is formally j nominated by the aforesaid British abolitionists, ! as their candidate for th" nest presidency of the j United States. Tiie News makes no conceal-! rnent of the causes to which the New York j senator is to attribute this distinction. He "has j afforded every possible evidence in his own country'of his absolute and hearty condeitnaton i of the institutions of the S.>uth, which are in- j compatible with the liberies of the Republic j at large, and which threaten its existence j" j and, therefore, he is entitled to the sympathy I and support of the British abolitionists "in Ihe j objects to which he is pledged." As the News does not furnish "the evidence" \ to which it alludes in such laudatory language, j we take leave to supply the omission by copy ing the following extract from Mr. Seward's famous speech at Rochester, N. V., in the month of October, ISSB : "Our system of government is !aw labor and tree labor,' and 'it is a mistake to think ilie collision accidental, unnecessary, of interested fanatical agitators.' 'lt is an irrepressible conflict between opposing and eu du: nig forces, and it means that the United States must and will,sooner or later, become either entirely a slaveholding nation or entirely a free-labor nation. Either the cotton and rice fields of South Carolina and the stigar plautalions ot Lousiar.a will ultimately t>- settled by free labor, and Charleston and .New Orleans become marts for legitimate merchan dise, or the rye and wheat lieids of Alaso! the Republic a', large, and which Uneaten its existence. There is no occasion to consider his feelings, as in tiie case ol an un known m-iu whom it would he inhospitable to remind of the faults oi his country, fie has shown that fits patriotism consists in desiring and stiiving tar the freedom, virtue, p>-ace arm happiness ot ins nation ; ami that, in pursuing those objects, he is as hearty an enemy ot sla very and the slave trade as any man of any other country can he. Let him, then, hear what we think and feel. Let him have our sympathy in the objects to which he is pledged —whether as Piesiderst or only as senator ; and above all, let him have sound leason for hoping that our r,e\v Foreign Secretary will work cor dially with an American President or minister who wiil do his duty in regard to the African slave trade, and also hold to strict account any official who tampers with the obligations to which the American government is sworn.— Lord John Russeil made an ineffaceable impres sion on the minds ol all American citizens du ring the short term of his being Foreign Sec retary, in 1853, by his letter to Mr. Everett on the Mnnioe doctrine, it the statesman who wrote that letter should be in our Foreign Of fice, with the same mind and spirit in him, when the first anti-slavery President goes to the White House, thi history ot the African slave Dade will he brought to a speedy close. In the hope of some such beneficial conjunction of authori ty and of views, we feel that this is the time to sav few woids as to the present aspect ot the great question which lr.iiNt be decided, in some way or other, by the next election, wheth er tne new President be Mr. Seward or anoth- Not a few citizens in America, nearly ail men elsewhere, are dismayed and confounded at the re-opeuiug i;t the African slave-trade at various points of the southern States. There ar lying belore us now, advertisements of the sale of gangs of newly-irr.norted negroes, as well as the remarkable declaration of lire grand jury in 1 Captain 'ot re's case at Savannah, alluded to by our own correspondent in the letter we publish ed on the 21st.ultimo. We have abundance ot reports of the meetings of southern conventions 1 and other party assemblages, in which the m tu bers avow their ptirj of imposing slave in stitutions ty law on the whole fedeia! republic extending the Died Scott decision over the Union, in defiance of the refusal of any num ber of the States. We see all this going on ; but we douot, therefore, believe that the pros pects of liberty f>r whites and blacks are less favorable than they were, but quite the contra- 1 ry. The action of the slave States, in their present turbulence, is simply revolutionary; ana the act of some of iherri re-opening the Alrican ' slave trade seems to be intended as a revo!u- # tionarv manifesto. The election of IS6O will j probably decide the fate of that traffic, and of the institution which occasions the traffic, as far as the American Government is implicated in j it. These demonstrations are met by counter de- i •nonst rat ions in the North, which the South de nounces as revolutionary also—and with justice il there is a real Federal Government at Wash- . iugton. The resistance to the fugitive slave law spreads and deepens. The Gaio storv is a ! good sample of what is going on less conspicu ously and on a smaller scale elsewhere—citi- j zens of respectability and eminence fined and f imprisoned for choosing to ascertain the leva! j rights of captured fugitives ; and the captors lodged in jail, on tiie otberjhaod, on the charge of kidnapping free citizens: the federal and j State courts passing opposite decision-', and their • respective officials battling vehemently on be half of each : these are phenomena which show to all eyes that present "ai rangements cannot continue to exist. All rational men are aware that the inevitable change must involve the fun damental radical principles on which the south- ; ern polity is grounded. The Chinches present a spectacle analagous to that of the law courts; and so do the anniversary meetings ot all the bodies—religious, philanthropic, political and commercial—by which the social interests of the nation are carried on. We have no space for remarks on the demonstrations ol all these gatherings, though a few paragraphs would show that a revolutionary spirit has this year animated them all, though working in different directions. We can notice only on- associa tion ; ano' we select it on account ot the ease with which Englishmen will comprehendpts sig nificance. VVlien the attempt was made to force the stamp act on the American colonies, aud the j "stamp-master" who had obtained that appoint- Freedom of Thought and Gpinion. I rnent, refused the request of several cities and 1 towns to resign his office, it became a question ■ how to concentrate public sentiment so as to ob j tain some effectual action. Tii- association of "The S ins of Liberty" was form-d in 1770; and under their guidance the first gieat revolu tion proceeded to its mem >rabie issue. Their first act was to cut batons from the forest trees 1. on the road by which the stamp-master was to pass to the courts, and to inform him that tuey j were the government and not the King at WtesL j minsfer. In Ohio, last month, the procedure I was revived. A senator, H >n. Joshua 11. Gi.l dingj, whose repute is as high as that of any ci tizen in the Union, has proclaimed a new as sociation of "Sons of Liberty," in defence of the liberties and the laws of the State, as against ! the intolerable new law and tyranny of Ihe re- j mote central authority. Mr. Buchanan and the Congress at Washington are to tiie people of'O j bin what George 111 and the Parliament at Westminister were to the people in Aw Eng land in 1770. The constitution of tii > society (which was immediately signed by a large num ber of the best known and most esteemed citi zens,) cannot be cited here; but its short closing paragraph will indicate the aim it proposes, and tne pledge it involves as to rectifying the , p.licy at Washington on the first occasion.— "Appealing to the Supreme Jo oof the world for tiie rectitude of our intentions, we declare I that "no person shall be deprived of life, liberty 01 property without due process of law," when we have power to prevent it." It m av seem ( safe to take a stand on so plain a constitutional j provision, declared in the very terms of the ; Constitution, and sustained by the Jaws of Ohio, but, as Mr. Buchanan's government and the • whole policy ot iiie South enforces an opposite ' principle aod metno.i, the "Sons of Lioerty" , are revolutionary raw as their predecessors' were—no more and no less. Mr. Seward comes among us when both section!ot his countrymen ' a l- * not only preparing for revolution but acta- ' ally engaged in it, and lie may be the man f who p ins fellow-citizens may choose to be the I exponent of tiie principle which Europe be lievej vv;l! triumph. Let him see that we have a laith and hope on the subject. CLRLISG, TUB MAV TURK DTK. The Boston Post's account of this man gives I but a faint picture of him. I will give you > one irom real life. Ten years ago I was seated in my office at "No. id Wai! street, bu.-iiy driving the quili, j when I heard a quiet step behind and then a miid voice inquiring if I had the transcript ot a certain judgment against one J. G. O. i projector ot the great Peg-ghe-wah-wab-wan Company for selling Indian medicine. I looked up and saw a man whose twisted loot and p tl-ied arms were quite familiar to me,but of whose name or calling I knew nothing. "Yesj I replied, "I have the transcript." "Well, I want it," he said ; "I'm going to collect it for the creJiU • "Gjing to collect it!" I exclaimed, "why the judgment is perlecly worthless. Executions, and proceedings after judgment pmujali ordina- I rv means of grace, have long ago been exhaus ted Upon O. He is hopelessly insolvent, and j is betides, the most ad,bit scamp of a swindler I ever encountered. "What is that tope ?" broke out the visitor,' in a eruff, strong voice, quite different Jroni his first tones. '-Perhaps you don't know who I am. lam Burling, the man about town.— You * lawyer, and not know rue? Sheriffs ore good for nothing ; constables are good for nothing ; ex-cutions and creditor's bills are good iur nothing. Give me the transcript here's the order fur it—l'll make the money out of him." I sniveled around my chair and started at the man. "And will you be so good, Mr. Burling," 1 asked, "as to tell me what is your [latent p!ri fir superceding officers and writs, ond for squeezing bioo i ut of turnips, and Ctsh out of the President of the Peg-ghe-wah wan Company V' "How Ido it, you mean. Why I dun 'em at their houses, I dun 'em in the street, I dun 'em at the theatre, I dun 'em in church, I catch 'em early in the rn irnins and stick to 'etn all day ; follow 'em up wherever they go ; ; go to meals and eat with 'em : go >u ued with ; 'ern ; give em no peace night or day, Sunday nor week dav, stick to them like death to a dead niger. A man owes a debt, he wont pay it. I follow him up all the week so he can't do any business, n >r go to sea firs sweetheart, nor walk in Broadway, r.r eat with any appetite, nor sleep without dreaming. I'm after him with the devil to help tun him down. Ail tins won't do ? Very well. When he goes to church on Sunday, he finds me in his pew. (Your Sheriffs can't work Sundays—l do my best business then.) Th- congregation rise, and he rises, takes out lis book, opens at the place, and tnere he finds the bill I've stuck there, and gets so mad he rain say amen." "Sheriffs and constables," continued he, getting loud ami fietQp" won't goof a Sunday morning to a parson's house and follow him to church and waik up the broad aisle with him before all the congregation, and go up the pulpit stairs close to his heels and slip ,nto the pulpo after him before, he can shut the door, and take a seat by his side, and get up when lie gets up, and when he opens the Bible, open John Jones' bill full length, and lay it down over the chapter and ver.-e, and tell him : '/' Acre's that bill of horn*. hire , pay it bef ore you preach ! But that's what I did—and I got my money too." "And what commission did you charge I" "Fifty per cent." Bather strong," I sug gested, "but still your mode of procedure was strong. Do you often get as much as fifty per cent 1 "When I earn it, I gel it. Dr. C. of Broad way, sent me to dun a fellow who lived back in a yard, and kept two bull dogs that he left loose when anybody came to collect honest J J debts. I went to him with a horse-pistol in 1 each hand and Dr. C.'s bill in my teeth, and - made him pay up. What did Dr. C. offer me f; for getting his sixty dollars?—lie offered me ; ! one dollar. I wont take it, says I. Get out of ■ my office, or i'il kick you out says he, and he • j kicked me out of bis door and down the steps i into Broadway. I goes across to the 1 hotel and hires a great arm-chair out of the bar-room, and takes it across the street, and ! plants it on the curbstone right opposite Dr. C.'s door, and I fays the bill i had made out on a full sheet of foolscap across my knees, banging down so everybody I fiat went by cou.d lead in large black sanded letters : DOCTOR C To J. BURLING, Dr. For collecting of Richard floe : Commission - $30,09 And ali the crowd kept stopping to read, e> ■ that there was ail the while two or thr>-e hun d: • I people standing on the Doctor's pavement am! reading first my Li ii and then his sign,: and making tneir jokes. 1 had hired the chair j fir the whol j afternoon, but he hadn't s' .1 ! this more than fifteen minutes before he comes ' to the door, an i says, come here, you rascal, and f went in and took thirty dollars of his < money, and left tiie bill receipted." "But my friend, don't your impudent ways | often get you into some scrapes ; are vou not j afraid some one will someday break vonr head?" i "Break whose head ?" he thunder.-d ; didn't Col. S. of New Orleans, a man that's killed sev- j -n men in duels, when I went to dun him at the; Astir Hons?—dian't he grub me by my breeches, ant? hold me out the fifth storv window, and j ' shake me there above the pavement, ar.d say j j shall I let you fall and break your neck on the ; , stone*, or take you in 3iid kick you down stairs ? ' "Well," said I, anxiously, "what did you do j ! then ?" " W hat if id I do ? I said pay me that monev ! j 1 .md Gidn't he pull me in and pay me every Cent The intensity of hi.9 manner, as he thus re- j lated his exploits, cannot b<- rendere ion paper— ■ especially when be exclaimed with closed teeth ! j and the fingers of his round hand clenched—" | pay me that money He took the transcript, and limp>ed out. In j I another day the hapless debtor, and over-match \ 1 for all the regular thumb- screws of the law, j came in to beg piteousty 1 wi'd call off the ' blood-hound. I told him i* was th? creditor's , affair, not mine. Next ciav I met Bulling at the corner of Cortland street, looking mild and happy, and asked him how he succeeded. "I , haven't git it yet," was the reply. "He hasn't found me out, but he has just paid me five dollars to let him dine at the hote! down there, without my company. We've taken ail our meals together for the last two days, and he bigan in lion his appetite faii." Whether the five dollars was credited on the judgment, or pocketed as a personal perquisite, I never knew. BOOTH, THE TRHGEDLIJt. I:i the early and palmy days of his theatrical career, Booth and several Iriends had been in vited todiue with an old gentlman in Baltimore, of distinguished kindness, urbanity and piety. I tiejuost, though disapproving'ot theatres, and theatre-going, had heard so much of Booth's re markable powers, that curiosity to see the man had overcome all scruples and prei idices. Alter the entertainment was over, lamps lighted, and the company reseated m the drawing-room some one requested Booth, as a particular tavor, and one which all present would, doubtless, appreciate, to rpad aioud the Lord's Prayer. Booth expressed ins willingness, and all eyes were turned e.vnectant! v upon hnn. Booth rose slowly and reverntly from hi chair. It was wonderful to watch the emotion that convulsed his countenance. He became deadly ; ale, and his eyes, turning tremblingly upwards, wet with tears. As yet lie had not spoken. The si lence could be felt. It had become absolutely painful, until at last the spell was broken, as if by an eiectric shock. In his rich toned voice, from white lips, he syllabled forth, "Our Father, which art in Heaven," etc, with a pathos and solemnity that thrilled all hearts. He finished. The silence continued. Not a voice was heard or muscle moved in this rapt audience until from a remote corner ot the room a sub dued sob was heard, and the old gentleman, (their host) stepped forward with streaming eyes and tottering fiame, and seized Booth by the hand. "Sir," said lie, in broken accents, " you allord me a pleasure tor which rav whole future wil leri grateful. lam an old man, and every day from my boyhood 'o the present time, I thought I had repeated the Lord's Prayer, but 1 have never heard it before, netrer." ' You are right,"' replied Booth. "To read, that prayer us ,it should be ivad ha-, caused me the severest study and labor lor v.irty years, and I am yet far from being sat isfied with my rendering of tfiat wonderful pro duction. Hardiv one person in ten thousand comprehends hove much beauty, tenderness, and grandeur can be condensed in a space so small, j and in words so simple. That prayer itself il lustrates the truth of the Bible, a'd stamps ujion it tiie seal of divinity." "So great was the effect thus produced," says our informant, who wasjpresent, • that'conversa tion was sustained but a short time longer in subdued monosyllables,and almost ceased; and soon alter, at an early hour, the company broke and returned to their several homes, with thoughtful faces and full hearts," HE DOESN'T TAKE A PAPER.— Tim man that doth no paper take, Grudging eight shillings once a year," Will never a good husband make, Because his wife can never know what is go ing on in the world, and his children will very ignorant appear. The last line is rather long for a good jingle, but the moral is sublime. WHOLE \OIBER j ARTE.MJIS WARD'S GOURTLYG. 'Twas a carm still night in Joon,. when all natur was hushed &. nary disturbed the serene silense. I sot with the objek of my heart's affections on the fence of her daddy's pastur. I had experienced a hand kerin arter hur lor sum time, but darsant proclaim mi pasb ! Un, v.-a I we sot there on the fense a swinging of our feet 2 & fro Jc blushing as red as the Baul dinvilleskuie.house when it was first painted & looking very cimpul, 1 make no dowt. My left arm was okupied in ballunsin mvselfon the fence while my light arm wos wound affeksh nitiy round Suzanner's waste. Sez I, "Suzaaner, I thinks very much of you." S j z she, "how von do run on." Sez 1, "I wish there was winders tu mi sole soz you could see some of my feehas," &. I side deeply. J pawsed here, but as she made no reply to it I continued on the following strain : Ar, cood yei know the sleepfis nifes I parse on yer account, how vittles had seast to be at tractive tu me &. how my limbs is shrunk upj you woodn't dowt me not by no meens. Gaze on this vvastin form and these sunken ize," I cried, jumpin up & I shu.d have continured sum time longer probly, but unfortunately I lost my balance cc fell owr in'r> .e pastor ker smash, taring my close and severely da.nagin myself generally. Suzannersprung to my assistance it. dragged me 4th in dubbie quick lime. Then drawing herself up to her full hiteshesed: "I won't listen to yur noncents eny longer. Jpst you sa rite out what you are driven at. If you mean gittin hitched, I'm in." DICK LAZYBONES SELLING HIS DOG. —Dick Lazybones was the owner of a large dog, which cost as much to keep as two pigs would have done ; and the dog, besides, was useless : nav, lie was worse than useless, for, in addition to 'he expense of k 'eping, he toook up house room, and greatly annoyed Dick's wife. "Plague take the dogl" said she j -'Mr. Lazybones, I do wish you wouid sell him, or kill him, or do something o r other with hi.n.* He' 3 more plague than his neck is worth, always lying in the chimney corner, and eating more than it would take to maintain three children. I wonder you will keep such a useless animal." "Weil, well, my clear," said Dick, "say no more about it. I'll get rid of him one ot This was in tended as a mere ?°t off, on the part ot Dick ; but as his wife kept daily dinning in his ears about the dog; he was at length compelled to take some action on the snject. "Well, wife," said he, one day. as he came in,"l've sold Jowler." "Ah! have you, indeed !" said she, brightening up at the good news "I'm glad 0/it. How much did you sell birn foi, my dear ?" "Fiity dollars."' What! fifty dollars for that dog ! How glad I am ! That will buy us a cow. But where's the money, my love?" "Mone', " said Dick, shifting his cigar lazily to the other corner of his mouth, "I didn't get any money ! —1 took two puppies, at twentyfive dollars a piece." OOOD JOKE is (oIJ of Beecher and Park Benjamin, though it is probably not true. On one of their lecturing expeditions, they were riding in the same railway car. Getting into conversation about preaching, Beecher was so courteous as to ask him to come to Brooklyn, some sabbath morning, and hear him. "I JQ not know where your meeting house is," said Ben'amin ; "how shall I find it ?'' "Oh," replied Betcher, "all you have to do is to come over one of the ferries, and follow the crpwd." "T would come," continued Benjamin, "but to r one reason." "Ah ! what is that ?" asked Beecher. "Because," said Benjamin, with a merrv look out of his eyes, "I make it an in variable rule never to go to any place of amusement on Sunday." Awrct. CONEITIOJ*. —"WeII, there is a rot* over at our house." "What on airth's the matter,you little sar pint ?" "Why dad's drunk, mother's dead, the old cow's got a calf, Jerusha's married a prinler and run away with the spoons. Prte swalfowpd a pin. and Lew's looked at the Aurora Borax_tili he's got the delirium triangles." "Good gracious ! I'ii have to go over and see 'em." "That ain't all, neithpr." "What e'sc, upon airth ?" "Rose.spilt the hatter-box and broke the pan cakes. and one of the Maltese kittens has got her head into the molasses cup and can't get it out, and oh, how hungry I am." Signing the pledge. —Joe Snipes was induced in a lucid moment to sign the pledge. Joe was a wild, frolicking dog, and his firmness in keej** ing his promise was a wonder to all his friends. At a weddmng, one day, Joe was found behind the door taking a right good drink—a long pull, and a strong pull. "Why," said Pitts," I thought you had signed the pledge, Joe?" " So I have," said Joe ; " but !I signs you know, fail in dry weather." one was telling an Irishman that somebody had eaten ten saucers of ice cream ; whereupon Pat shook his head. "So you don't believe it V "I belave in the crame, but not in the saucers." and Bill Benton went to New Or leans with a fiat-boat of corn. Joe wrote to hit father thru-- "Nu Orleans, Gone h—Deer Dad markets it dull corn is mighty lo and Bills d> ad. Your affectionate son, J. B." man named Oats was up recently for beating his wife and children. On being sen tenced to imprisonment, the brutejremarked that it was very hard a man wat not allowed to thrash his own oats. VOL. 3, NO. 7.