YOI>I MF, 33.
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Select |3 oct rn.
THE THREE MERRY LOVERS.
The following among other delicate fragments,
•wasoriginally furnished by T. B. Aldrich to the
New York Home Journal
LARA. Good day, fair gentlemen ! a merry day.
HUGH. I might be merrier.
BASII.. M ight be sadder say.
LARA. It might be both. Our project, by the way
When last we met, you know, our fancy moved
Us each to vow, he'd kiss the one he loved;
And here we are, as our appointments were,
To tell our fortune.
HUGH. Fortune is a cur !
I'll give you mine, ®irs. This is what befel;
Last night I found the scornful Isabel
Working bad tulips in her tapestrie;
i stole upon her softly as may be,
And threw my arms about her.
BASH;. Very good!
HUGH. NO, very bad: for rising where she stood,
She dealt me three such buffets on the ears,
That I saw stars in all the glittering spheres'
LARA. Your pain was great because your ears were
long
A clever girl, and only half i' the wrong,
A handy dame! Now, Basil, what i, yours/
Hueu. First let me say thst "handy dames'' are
bores.
RASH.. I must allow that my success is this
Was such asTilched the value of the kiss.
Until this day, Angelia hs been
Sa-Cfly, sufc.wwJc.sejertn.f a pruftrto quern,
Alethoiighr a kiss would stop her pious breath,
And that the maid would blush herself to death!
To break the matter gently as 1 could,
I—l asked her
LARA. An* now by Holyrood !
That rest most mo lost!
BASH.. When, to my surprise,
she looked straight through me with her suit blonde
eyes.
And then put up the daintiest kind ol" mouth
For me to kiss: and kiss 1 did, forsooth!
LARA. An honest lady; but she'll learn anon
That favors are not valued, lightly won.
fit OH. (To Lara,) I hope your lady nearly mur
dered you'
LARA. She did, in faith, by all that's good A true •
Her ryes were sharp stilettoes, and she gave
Some wounds that i shall carry to my grave !
BASH.. YOU kissed her?
LARA. Ay. You should have seen her face,
So half-indignant at her lip's disgrace;
{For. gentle sirs, I did undo my love,
While she unlooped the fastening of my glove!)
She stormed at first, then knit her finger*—so ;
And 1 stood laughing at her pretty woe :
She blushed, wept, laughed, and blushed and wept
again,
Until her cheeks were roses drenched with rain.—
A merry day, fair gentlemen !
Hccu. It might be merrier!
ill isc ell aco us.
ItOMAXCEOF HEAL LIFE.
There was a fine old General once, who, hav
ing spent most of his life in th field of Mars,
knew very little about the camp of Cupid. He
M'as one ol tf.rteiri.gh si.ii 11 iiest spirits often
met with in his gallant profession; innocent as
an infant of almost every thing save high integ
rity and indomitable biavery. He was nearly
fifty years old, and his toils were over when
master Dan brought him acquainted with a wid
ow Wadman, in whose eye he began to dptect
somefhingth.it made him began to feel uneasy.
.Here was the result of leasure.
At Jenglb, however, the blunt honesty of his
.disposition rose uppermost among his conflicting
plants, and fits course was chosen. At school
he had once studied "Othello's Defence" to re
cite at an exhibition, but made a failure . fie now
fecollected there was something in this defence
to recite, very much like what he wanted to
say. He got ike book immediately, found the
passage, clapped on hir hai, with a determined
air, and ported ol?" to Ihe widow VVadman's,
with Shakespeare under hisarm
".Madame," said the Geaeral Uncle Toby,
opening his book at the marked place, with the
solemnity of a special pleader at the Jbar—Mad
ame—
"Rude am I in tny sriee-ch,
And littie ble6s'd with the set phrase of peace;
For since these arms of mine had seven years pith
Till now some nine moons wasted, they have used
Their dearest action in the tented fiehi;
And little of this great world can I speak.
More than pertains to feats of broil and ba'tfe;
And therefore"—
Here the Genera! closed the book, wiped his
forehead, looked up at the ceiling, and said with
a spasmodic gasp, "I want to get married !"
The widow laughed for ten minutes by the
watch before she could utter a syllable, and
<hfn she said, with precious t< ar* of humor rol-
! ling down her good-natured cheeks, "And who
! is it you want to marry. General ?"
I "You," said Uncle Tobv, flourishing his
: Sword arm in (he air, and assuming a military
i attitude of defiance, as it he expected an assault
j from the widow immediately.
"VVill you kill me if I merry you? said the
widow with a merrv twinkle in her eye.
; "No, madam !" replied Uncle Toby, in a
most serious and deprecating; tone, as if to as
sure her that such an idea had never entered
his head.
"YVeH, then, I guess I'll marry you," said
the widow.
"Thank you, ma'am," said Uncle Toby :
"but one thing I am bound to tell vou—l wear
• i
, a wig!"
The widow started, remained silent a mo
ment, and then went into a longer, louder, and
I merrier laugh than she had indulged in before,
lat the end of which she drew her spat nearer
! the General, gravely laid her hand on his head,
! gently lifted his wig off and placed it on the
table.
General Uncle Toby had never known fear
in hot battle, but he now felt a decisive inclina
tion to run away. The widow laughed again
as though she never would slop, and the Gen
eral was about to lav his hat upon his denuded
j head and bolt, when the facetious lady placed
; her hand upon his arm and detained him. She
I then deliberately raised her other hand to Iter
I own head, with a sort of military precision,
i executed a rapid manrpnvre with her five fin
gers, pulled off her whole head of fine glossy
hair, and placing it upon the table by the side
of the General's remained seated with ludicrous
gravity, in front of her accepted lover, quite
bald ! *
As may he expected, Uncle Toby now laugh
ed along with the widow, and they soon grew
so merrv over the affair, that the maid-servant
peeped ihrough the key-hole at the noise, and
saw the old couple dancing a jig and bobbing
their bald pates at each other like a pair of
Chinese mandarins. So the two very shortly
laid tneir heads together upon the pillow of mat
rimony.
A CASE OF IMAGINATION.
We were the witness of a very ludicrous in
cident which occurred in this city a few days
since, for relating which we crave the indul
gence of the gentleman directly concerned
deeming it too good a joke to be lost-
While sitting at our desk and laboring assidu
ously with pen. scissors, and paste, to make
out a readable paper for our patrons, we were
wuddenly tfrighfenec! ( from our. .propriety, by
**ftv hasty fenttamit/e of a gentleman, exclaim
ing :
"For God's sake, help me to see what is the
matter ! I've got some dreadful thing—scorpi
on or tarantula—in the leg of my pantaloons !"
Quick —quick—help me !"
We instantly rose lromeour chair, half fright
ened ourselves. Our friend had broken in so
suadenly and unexpectedly upon us and was so
wonderfully agitated, ttiat we knew not wheth
er he was in his senses or not. VVe looked at
him with a sort of surprise mixed with dread,
and hardly knew whether to speak with or con
fine him as a madman. The latter we came
very near attempting- There he stood quiver
ing and pale, with one hand tightly grasped
upon part ot the pantaloons, just in tire hollow
ot the knee.
''What's the matter?" asked we at last.
"The matter !" he exclaimed, "Oh, help me!
I I've got something here, which just ran up my
I leg ! Some infernal lizard or scorpion, I expect !
Oil, I can't let go ; I must hold it. Oh, there!"
!he shrieked, "I felt it move just then ! Oh
these pants without straps ! I'll never wear an
other pair open at the bottom as long as I live.
Ah, T feel it again."
"Feel what ?" we inquired, standing at the
same time, at a respectful distance from the gen
tleman : for we had just been reading onr Cor
pus Christ i correspondent's letter about snakes,
lizards, and tarantulas, and began to imagine
some deadly object or reptile in the leg of our
friend's unmentionable as they are sometimes
called.
"1 don't know what it is," answered the gen
tleman ; help me to see what it is. I was iust
passing the pile of rubbish there in front of
your otfice, and felt it dart up my leg as quick
as lightning," he clenched bis fist more tight
ly. If it tiad been the neck of an anacon
da, we believed he would have squeezed it to
ajelly.
By this time two or three of the newsboys
had come in ; the clerks and packing boys hear
ing the outcry stopped working,and editors and
all hands stood around the sufferer with ming
led sympathy and alarm.
"Bring a chair, Fritz," said we, "and lei the
gentleman be seated."
"O, I can't sit," said the gentleman . "I can't
bend my knee! If 1 do, it will bite or sting me;
no, I can't sit."
"Ortainly you can sit," said we; "keep your
leg straight oul, and we'll see what it is you
have got."
"Well, let megive it one more hard squeeze;
I'll crusU it to death, said he, and again he put
the force of an iron vice tqion the thing. If it
had any life left this last effort must have killed
it. He then cautiously seated himself, holding
out his h'g as stiff and as straight as a poker.—
A sharp knife was procured : the pants were cut
open carefully, making a hole large enough to
admit a hand : the gentleman put on a thick
cloves, and slowly inserted his hand, but lie dis
covered nothing. We were looking on in al
most breathless silence, to see the monstrous
thing—whatever it might be ; each ready to
scamper out of harm's way, should it be alive,
when suddenly (he gentleman became, it possi
ble more agitated than ever.
"By heavens?" he exclaimed, "it's inside of
mv(drawers. "It's alive, too—l feel it! —quick
—give me the knife again ?"
Another incision was made—in went the gen
tleman's gloved hand one? more, arid 10, out
BEDFORD, PA., FRIDAY MORNING, JANUARY 22, 185b.
came his wifts stocking !
How the stocking .-v<-i got there, we are un
able to say : hut there it certainly was, atid such
a laugh that followed,we haven t heard for many
a day. Our friend, we know, has told the joke
himself, and must pardon us fordoing >0- Jbo
this is about a stocking, we assure our readers
it is no yarn.— I) ale/nun it.
THE MANUFACTURE OF WORDS-
The following sensible remarks are extracted
from Frazer's .Magazine :
No permission has been so much abused it/
our day as that of Horace for the mt nulacture
of words. He allows men to mould one now
and then, with a modest discretion and can tion ;
but lie is addressing p< t>, not venders of patent
leather or dealers- in marine stores. Would he
not have stood aghast at the term "aiitipropy
lo.s." Would it not puzzle .1 Schaliger ar ilont
iy ? It is time we protest to these vile coinages
when every breeches maker or blacking manu
facturer invents a compound word of six sylla
bles as expressive oi his wares. Ladies do not
wear petticoats now-a-day*, but crinolines.—
What is their new name fdrgarieis Men do
not ride on horseback as aloietnne they tak
equestrian exercise ■ women are not married
like their grandmothers—they are led to the hy
menial alter. A bookseller, forsooth, becomes
a biblopole ; and a serwut is converted into a
maniciple. Barbers do not sell tooth powder
and shaving soap as their lather's did, but odon- ,
to and dentifrice, and rypophagon ; hairwash j
has passed away —it is capillary fluid. Can any!
one tell what is Hie meaning of "diagnosis" as |
applicable to disease ! It it has any signifies- ;
tion at all we will guarantee to find half a dozen !
Saxon monosyllables expressive of tile same
idea.
Medical gentlemen, too, talk of phlebotomy ;
we know that it has some connection with blood
letting, and for our own part, > always asso
ciate the term with a niglit we once spent be
tween the sheets, all alive O ! in an Irish hotel;
Who would behevr that "epistaxi-s" means.sim
ply bleeding at the nose ' Fancy one schoolboy
doubling his fist, and telling another t i look out
for "eptstaxis." We take up the first book
within reach, and open it at random, it is Wil
liam Wordsworth ; a Biography by Edwin Pax
ton Wood. Well, what do you reaii "By
resthetic biography,"' he says, "is simply in
tended ! Did ever mortal man listen to such
verbiage run mad ? Wfiat, again, are we to un
derstand by the words "ot'je( live" and "sute
jective," which every goose with Ins sham met
aphysics lias now-a-davs on his lips ?
PUT THAT IMBI •'UK.VTKASi'YL OIT-
While the congregation were collecting at the
church, on a cerlajn occasion, an "hi, daik, hard
featured, skin and bone individual, seen
near the pulpit. The officiating minister was
one of that class who detested written sermons,
and as lor prayers, he thought they ought to tie
the natural outpourings of the heart. Alter the
singing was concluded, the house a< usual was
called to prayer. The genius we have introduc
ed did not kneel, hut leaned his head devotion
ally on the back of the pew. Tne minister be
gan by saying—"Father of all in evei v age, by
saint and savage adore."— "-Pop?." said a low,
but clear voice, near old hard leature#. The
minister, after casting an indignant look in the
direction of the voice, continued—"whose
throne sitteth on the adamantine hills ot Para
dise"—".VtV/o/i," again interrupted the voice.
The minister's lips quivered lor a moment,but
recovering himself, began—"we thank thee,
most gracions father, that we are permitted to
assemble once more in thv name, while otheis,
equally meritorious, but less favored, have been
carried beyond that bourne, from which no trav
eller returns." i ' S/iakesptnrr." interruptedUe
voice ; this was too much. "Put that imputeiil
rascal out," shouted the minister." "Orgt/,"
ejaculated the voice in the same calm but pro
voking mariner.
CHEERFI LNESS-
Among the wise things tr which the name
ol the honest Benjamin Franklin is worthy of
honor, we noticed the following a lew days
ago. It contains a deai of sound cnonfej
"J noticed a mechanic among a number of oil
ers, at work in a house erected but a little uiy
from rny office, who had a kind word and a
cheerful smile for every one lie met. L-t in
day be ever so cold, gloom}' and sunless, a hip
py smile danced like a sunbeam on his hapbv
countenance. Meeting him one morning, I a~k
ed him to tell me the secret of his happv Uw
of spirits. 'No secret, Doctor,' replied he; -I
have got one of the best of wives, and when fgo
to work she always has a kind word o| ine nr
agement for me, and when I go home she imets
me with a smile, and she is sure to be reafv,
and she has done so many things during the
day, to please me that I cannot find it in mi
heart to be unkind to anybody.' What inlu
ence, then, hath woman over the heart of nnn,
to soften it and make it the fountain ot cheer
fulness and pure emotions. Speak genlv,
then ; a happy smile and a kind word of gr-et
ing alter the toils of the dav are over, cost nettl
ing and go far towards making home happy ;nd
peaceful."
05^An Irishman used to come home of.pn
drunk, and once when he was watering his
horse, his wife said to him, "Now, Badly,
isn't that baste an example to ye ? Don't yiu
see he laves off when he has had enough the
crayture ! He's the most sensible baste of lie
two." "Oh, it's very well to discourse like
that, Biddy," cried Paddy, "but if there vas
another horse at the other side of the troigh
to say 'here's your health, mv otild bor !'
would he stop till he drank the whole trough,
think ye
V ERY COOL.—A letter from the Osage na
tion, dated 7th December, says :
"The Osage Indians are just returning from
their fall hunt; they bring with them twentv
three Pawnee scalps, as trophies of their suc
cess.
Freedom of Thought and Opinion.
HOUSE INFURIATED BY BLOOD. —Recently we
mentioned the trampling of a man to death in
New England, by a horse which had been mad
dened by the sight of blood. The Doylestown
(Pa.) Intelligencer has an instance of the ex
citement of a horse from the same cause :
'On Saturday week, a serious accident
I occcured on the farm of S. 13. J. (3. Larzelere,
in Abington. They had been killing hogs on
that day, and after the job was completed, a
person in their employ, with his bloodv clothes
on, went into the stable by the side of a team
horse to remove the harness. While unloosing
the hame string the horse became frantic at the .
sight or smell of the blood, pawed him down,
broke his ribs, and it was with great difficult v !
that those who came to the rescue could get !
over the manger into the entry and out of dan
ger. The noble animal, although of uncom- j
monly docile disposition generally, kicked him
self out of harness, and knocked the strong board
partition between the stalls into fine kindling
wood. On the following morning the horse
had not eiiin . lv recovered from his fright, and
was.still so tid that the person who usually 1
takes care of him had some diffculty in going
through the daily morning routine. We make
these remarks to caution our friends against ma
king similar experiments.
A DJY AT SKA. —The ordinary sea-day com
mences at 12 o'clock noon, when all hands,
fore and aft, i.e. m cabin and forecastle, jet
dinner. The crew are divided into Iwo watch
es, called larboard and starboard watches, which
alternate in [>erforming ordinary ship duties.
One watch is under charge of the first, the
other of the second mate, when there are two
mates only on board:—After dinner, all hands
are ordered ro lurn to, under charge of one of
the officers, and labor till six o'clock, the regu
lar supper hour.—Then commences the alter
nate watches: from six till eight i called the
dog watch during which half the crew tiave
liberty to go below and sleep if they please : at
eight the next watch is called, and the other
officer takes charge of thedeck till twelve, mid
night : another chsnge at four and again at
ight in the tnornieg, when all hands are called
to breakfast; then one watch goes below till
dinner : so that the whole crew is not on deck
in good weather, except from 12 M. to 6 P.
M.
In times of emergency, however, of galea of
wind, or any disaster, all hands are called, not
excepting the cook and steward, and kept on
deck till the captain or officer considers one j
watch able to take care of the shipr" The man
st tii uvbeet, or steersman, is cfiariged ert-rv
half watch, or two hours, during the twenty- '
four, and is, at times, fhe onlv man in active
duty on hoard. But a sailor in a well regula
ted ship never has a leisure hour in his deck
watch in the day-time. The pulling and haul
ing, making, and taking in and trimming sails,
is but a small part of his duty : every part of a
ship from her deck upwards is chafing and
strainingevery moment at sea, in rain and shine,
gale or calm, and constantly requires care, at
tention and labor. Probably no good, experi
enced shipmaster, at any one time, during his
longest voyage, was ever at a 10-s for a mo- !'
ment to find work for his crew. At night, the
only husiness of the watch on deck is to steer j
the vessel, keep a good look-out ahead, and be
ready to make, shorten or trim sail. This is
the regular routine for tiie officers and crew in
ordinary merchant vessels.
EVENING HOURS FOR MECHANICS. —What J :
haw evening hours done for mechanics whoji
had only ten hours toilHarken to the follow
ing facts : i .
One of the best editors the Western Review
could ever boast of, and one ofthe most brilliant
writers of the passing hours, was a cooper in
Aberdeen. Oneof the editors of the London
Daily Journal was a baker in Elgin ; perhaps
tile best rej oiter of the London Times was a
weaver in Edinburg ; the editor ol the Witness
was a stone mason. One of the ablest minis
ters in L ndon wa* a blacksmith in Dundee,
arid another was a watchmaker in Banff. The
late Dr. Milne, ol China, was a herd boy in
Rhvne. The principal ol the London .Missiona
ry Society's College at Hong Kong was a sad
dler in Huntley, and one of the best missiona
ries that ever went to India was a tailor in
Keith. The leading machinist on the London
and Birmingham railway, with seven hundred
pounds a year, was a mechanic in Glasgow;
and perhaps the richest iron founder in England
was a working man in Morap. Sir James
Clarke, her Majesty's physician, was a druggist
in Blarifl. Joseph Hume was a sailor first and
then a laborer at the mortar and pestle in Mon
trose. Mr. McGregor, the member fro no Glas
gow, was a poor boy in Rosshire. James
Wilson, the member from Westburv, was aj
ploughman in Haddington, and Arthur Ander
son, the member from Orhnev, earned his bread
hy the sweat ol his brow in the Ultima 1 hole.
These men, however,spent their leisure hours
in acquiring useful knowledge. I'hey could
not have the eminence they did hanging around
hose and engine houses, or wasting houcs away
in taverns.
FATB OR THE DISCOVERER'S OF AMITRICA.
It is remarkable how lew of the eminent men
among the discoverers and conquerors ol the
.New World died in peace. Columbus died
broken-hearted; Roldan and Cobadilla were
drowned: Qvando was harshly superseded ;
Las Casas sought refuge in a cowl ; Ojeda died ,
in extreme poverty; Encisco was deposed by
hi.s own men : Nicuessa perished miserably by
the cruelty of his party ; Vasco Nunez was dis
gracefully beheaded ; Narvaez was imprisoned
in a tropical dungeon, and alterwards died ol
hardship ; Cortex was dishonored; Alvarado
was destroyed in ambush ; Almagro was gar
roted: Pizarro was murdered, and his four
brothers cut oil; and there was no end ol the
assassinations and executions of the secondary
chit Is among the energetic and endui ing adven
turers. London Inquirer.
(BY REQUEST.]
SIT LOVENGOUD'S LIZARDS.
BY S L , OF TENN.
SB—EIT DULLAR REWARD.
"This cash will b*> paid in korn or produce
, tu be colicted at ur aboute our next kampmetin
by ene wun what ketchis him, for the cases ove
wun SCTTY LOVENGOOD ded ur alive and safely
gin over to the care of Passon John Hull in at
Squire mack Junking for a raisin of the devil
, permiscusly, discornfurtin the wi.-nin powerful
and a skarin ove folks gineraly at the ratil snaix
springs big meetin." signed by me
JOHN BULLIN the Passon.
attested tu by
Jehu Wet boron.
I I found written copies of the above highly in
telligible and vindictive proclamation stuck up
,on every blacksmith shop, doggery and store
door in the Frog Mountain range. Its blood
thirsty, vindictive spirit, its style, and, above
all, its chirography, interested me to the extent
of stealing one from a tree fur preservation.
In a few days I found Sut in a good crowd in
front of Capeharl's small doggery, and as he
proved to he abont "in tune," I read it to him.
es, George, that ar dockymint am in year
nest, sari in. They dus want me powerful bad,
but I sped eit dollar.-, won't fetch me- I'll go
myself fur fifty, planked (iown, efyou'll go
long and see me fiev justice. Lite, iite, old fel
ler, and let that roan ove yourn blow a little,
an I'll splain this cussed atar what has luinated
niv karacter as a pies pusson in the society >
'bout here. Ye see, I went to last year's big
meetm at Rati! Snaix Springs, an wersiltinin
a nice shady place conveisin with a friend in
the huckilberry thicket, when the fust thing
I know'd i woke from a trance, what I'd been •
knock'd inter by a four year oid hickory stick
in the ban' ove old Passon Bullon, durn his
alligator look in' hide ! an he wur standin' a
straddle ove me, a foamin' at the mouth an' a
preacbin' tu ine' bout sartiasins an' my wick
edness'ginerally. My poor frien' wur gone,
an' I was glad ove it, fur I thot he meant tu
kill me w-ith his club ef he failed tu preach
me tu deth, an' I did'nt want bur tu see me
die."
"Who was the Iriend you speak of, Sut V
"N-u-n o-v-e y-o-u-r b-i-s-n-i-s—dern your
little anksbus picter! But I'll tell ye one
thing, George . that nite a neiber gal got an'
| orful conlunde stroppin' frum her main with
the stirru plether ova saddil, an' old Passon
Bullin /nd ei supper thai" thai nite ; and what's
wus nurall, she cooked it for him an' begged
him atremblin' an' crying' not tu tell on h<-r,
the durne, infernal, hiperkriticai, pot-be]!ad,
whiskey-wasting old ground hog ; but I paid irn
fur it all, el I haint 1 w ill. / mean to keep a
pavin' ove him ali the time. Well, at nex big
meetin, at Ratil Snaix I wur on han', a solemn
as a hat kerrier at collection time, fur I had
promised the old hogfu cum an' be convarted
just to keep him from killing me. I tuck a seat
on the steps ove the pulpit, tu prove I wur in
yearnest. Ther was a monstrous crowd in that <
grove, an' old Bullin were a preachir.' tu' em at
an orful rate —how the hell Sarpints wud sarve
'em if they did'nt repent—how they'd crawl
over them, rap thar tails roun' thar n ck, pike ;
thar tungs inter thar eyes an' blow inter thar i
years: ari' et it wur an oman, how they'd quite . .
in her hussnin. an'try in crawl down under her , ;
frockstririg. An' he tied 'em hot, hollering, an"
scared ; the fac is, the tiling was a wot kin' pow- |
erful. Now I'd kotch five high grey pot-bellied j
lizards, an' hcd 'em in a little narrer bag, what (
i made : i purpos —thar tails ail at the tiottom, i
■ an' packed as tite as a bundil ove sticks,
■ ' "So while he war a rarin onto his tip-tops,
on-beno-wenst to any body, 1 untied my poke
1 an put the mouth up under his britches leg,
: making ove a nice sorter-like squirrils u climb
in a shell hark hickory. He stopped preachio
an lookin fur a moment like he wur a listnin lor
sunthing, sorter like an ole 9ow dus when she
! hears you whistle for the dogs. 1 give a big
groan, hilt tny hed atween my knees. Then
he commenced a slapin ove,his sell wher ye cut
J the steak on ten a beef, then he'd fetch a rub
whar a bosses tail sprouts, then he'd stomp,
i then run his hand atween his waisbnn an his
shut, an reach down an roun mitily with it—
then he spred his big legs and giv his back a
good sliakin, sort ove a rub agin the pulpit sor
ter like a hug scratches agin a stump ; a learim'
to his work powerful, and squirming
zif he'd jist cum outen a dog bed, or bad siep
on a pisant trail. About this time one ove my
lizzards (scared an hurt, I spose, by all this
: rubin arid scratchin and slappin) poked his
hed out atween the passon'sshut collar an' his
old bru.vn neck, tuck a peep at the circumstan
| ces, and dodged hack agin.
"Old Bullin's speech now cum to him ; his
eyes stickin out like two buckeyes hung agin ,
a mud wail, and his voice trtmblip; Ses he,
"Bretberin, take keer'ove yours-lls, the Hell i
Sarpents hev got me !" Sum ove the wimmin
fotch a painter yell, an a ramrod-legged doctor
what sot near me, allowed it wur a clar case
ove Delicious Tremendjus, and I tbnt he wur ;
rite, fur it wur fremendjus afore it was dun
with. OfT went the claw-hammer coat, an he .
flung it ahind him like he wur a gwine inter a
fite, (he had no jack it on.) Next he fotch his
shut over his hed faster nur I got outen my
basted vvun, an he flung it up in the air like he ,
j didn't care a durn if it kept up fiirever, but it
lodged onto a black j.icjc. I >eed won ove my
! lizzards a racin about over the tug old duty
lookin shut, skeered like the devil. Then he
oin a surter shake an a twist, and he cum outen
his britches, an he tuck em hv em hy the bottom
I ove the legs an swung em round his hed a lew
times and then fotch em down cheraliap over
the front ove the pulpit. You cud 've hearn
the smash a quarter ove a mile .' Nigh unto
about fifteen shorten bisk it, a fulled chickin ,
with his legs crossed, a big dubbil bladed rule,
a slab ove terbackei, pipe, sum copper-ore
WHOLE \I HBER *7*o.
specimens, a heap ove brukin glass, a cork,®
sprinkil ove whisky, a squt an three ove my
lizards Hew perrniskuslv all over that ar mer
lin ground, outen the upper ind ove them big
flax britches. One ove the smartest ove mv
lizards lit hed fust inter the bossum ove a fat
oman, as bi<; as a skin'd boss, and nigh ur,to
as "gly, who sot thirty yards off a la: run he -
self with a tucky tail, an smart tu ' • !>■ !, •
commenced runnin down. So she wui oooriu
i to faint, and did it fust rate: jist Hun-r her tuc
ky tail up in the ar, rolled down the hill, tang
led her legs an garters in the top ove a huckii
berry bush, an wur thar all safe, fair an quiet
when i left.
"Now old Bullin had nuthin left on him.but
a par ove hevv low quartered shoes, short wool
in socks, an eel skin garters tu keep off the
cramp, an his skare wur a growin on him fast.
He Were plum crazy, fur he just spit in his bans
and leaped over the front uv the pulpit rite in
ter the mirdle uv the pius part uv the kongre
galion, kertlijf, an set in tu gittin away. He
run, or ruther went in a lumberin gallup, hevv
likeanold wagon hossskared at a locomotive,
When he jumped a bench he shook theyearth
an hiseelt too. Bonnets and fans clared the
way, an he hed a purfectly fair track tu the
woods. He weighed nigli onto three hundred,
hed a black stiipe down his back like onto an
old bridle rein, an his belly looked about the
size an culler uv a big beet paunch, and it a
shnkin I rum side to side. He leaned back frum
it like a little feller a totin uv a big drum at
muster, and I hearn it slosh plum tu wher I
wur. Thar wur cramp- knots on his legs as big
as uanuts, an all over he minded me uv a cra
zy ole eiefant what wur possessed by the devil,
with its years, snout and tushes sawed off,an
rared up and a gwine on its hind legs away frum
emediate frubbie and tribulation. He did the
loudest, an scariest, an (ussiest runnin I ever
seed since ciad raced with tiie hornets, to be no
faster than it wur.
"Well, he disappeared in the thicket, and ove
all tile musses ye ever htarn it wur that in a
cirkle uv two hundred feet or tbarabouts—sum
wirnen screamin—they was the skerv wuns ;
sum larfln—they wu3 the wicked wuns; sum
cryin—they wus the tool wuns, {sorter ove the
Lovengood stripe ;) sum try in to git awav ur
hide thar laces—they wus the modest ones:
sum lookin arlesold Bullin—tbev wus the cu
rious wuns ; sortie hangin to their bows—tbev
wus the sweet wuns; sum on thar knees with
thar eyes shot, but their lace turned the way
the old murtirkil was a runnin—they was the
deceitful wuns ; sum doin nolhin—they wus the
waitiu wuns, and th most danjeious ove all ove
them by a durnd Jong sites. I took a big skeer
myself, arter a bibil about as big as a brick, a
disiplin, an a book called a kataplasm, a few
rocks, and sich like fruit spattered on the pulpit
n i onto my hed, and as the Lovengoods, durn
em, knows nothin but to run when they git
skard, 1 jist put towards the swamp on the krick.
As I started a black bottil of baldlace smashed
against a tree forinst me. Sum durnd fool pro
lessor dun this, who had more zeal than sence;
fur I say that any man who'd wast a quart ove
good whisky fur the chance ove kuockin a poor
devil like me down with it, if the bottil wus
wuth nuthin, isn't as smart as old squire Mack
mullin, and he shot hisselt with a hoe handil,
arid it warnt loaded at that. Well, you know,
George, I orter run fast—just look at these legs
I used em sum atween that meetin grown
and the swamp, and they aint kotch me yet.
'•Old Barbelly Bullin (as they call him) since
his tribulation with the hell .*arpints, hair.t
preched but wunst, and then he hadn't an oman
to hear im. His tex wus, "nakid I came into
this wurld an I'm agwine out on it the same
way ef I'm spared till then.'' I'm told 'twar a
, powerful sarmint—it was heard three miles.
- He proved that naUidniss warn't much, arter
, all, el you take the rite view ove the thing—
■ that hell sarpints of all sizes wus skeery, cold
1 and Uubilstim—that it warn't to be expected
■ ove him, a poor, weak, frail won ove the dust,
- to he sarpiut ur lizzard proof either— that won
j small sarpint of the tribe ove milcizidick ruin
i ated a wui Id through a woman wjiiie wur
1 beset with a barril full of them. \ '
> thly, but finally, that Sulty Loverigovu . :.e
, ! biggest raskil, tool and skarecrow ever hatciied
; in the mountain range.
".Now, George, that may all be so, but I
i want you to tell old Grownhog this fur me— ef
he'll let me alone, I'll let him alone ; arid e/"he
don't if I don't lizzard hiin again I wish I may
he domed inter a poultice. Let's go tu the
spring and mix a little ove it with this vere
I whisky, (shaking his flask,) alore you start.
Mind, tell old Barbelly what I sed about anuth
er big skeer, with—say a peck—ur a peck an a
half o\e lizzards— try an sheer him ef you kin
' good by."
[£r"An eccentric German was noted tor his
making good cider, and lor his extreme stingi
■ ness in dispensing it to his neighbors when they
. called to see him. A travelling Yankee who
heard this of him, resolved to try his hand on
the old fellow, and coax a pitcher of cider out
of him. He made him a call, and praised up
his farm and cattle, and speaking of his fine
' orchard, casually remarked,
"I hear Mr. Von Dam, that you make ex
: cellent cider."
"Yasli vash, I dosh. Hans bring de cider
shug,'
The Yankee was delighted with his success,
and already smacked his bps in anticipation of
good things to come. Hans brought up a quart
jug of cider, and placed it on the table before
his father. The old fatmerraised it with both
hands, and glueing his lips to the brim, he
drained it to the bottom, and then handing the
empty jug to theory and thirsty Yankee, qui
etly observed.
"Dare, if you don't believe dat ish good cider
shust you shmell te shug."
—To put a new sett of lioilers in one of the
Collins steamers costs about SIIIO,OOO, and this
must be done every six years.
VOL 1, NO. 25.