84-Lancaster Farming, Saturday, July 28,2001
Family Living
Focus
by
M. Annette Goodling
Union County
Extension Agent
Children Need Independence
As parents we claim we want
to raise our children to be inde
pendent and self-confident.
Unfortunately, a guaranteed
guidebook of how to accomplish
this feat has not been written so
each parent needs to develop
his/her own plan for completing
the task.
Several books are available
suggesting a variety of tools that
parents can use. Parents In a
Pressure Cooker; A Guide to Re
sponsible and Loving Parent/
Child Relationships by Jane Blu
estein and Lynn Collins includes
a chapter on Independence and
Problem-Solving. The authors
suggest that parents often resist
allowing children to make their
decisions because it makes the
parents feel as if they are not
needed anymore.
Parents are still needed but
their role will be different. Chil
dren need your acceptance. Par
ents need to encourage and sup
port them as they begin to make
decisions on their own.
Unfortunately, parents fre
quently use criticism as a way to
motivate their children. An ex
ample of this behavior
is telling your child
that he or she will not
succeed in school as a
way to get homework
finished. This strategy
is generally ineffective
as children internalize
the message and be
lieve they can’t suc
ceed so instead of
working harder, they
give up and quit try
ing
It’s better to allow
your child to experi
ence the consequences
of their actions wheth
er it is good or bad. In
this example, if the
child consistently ne
glects completing
homework assign
ments, they may fail
the class. As a parent
we really want to in
tervene even if it
means doing the
homework for the
child so the child will
not experience this
failure.
But dealing with the
consequence of failure
will become a more ef-
fective learning experi
ence for the child than
if we protect him from
the consequences.
Sometimes children
will approach you with
a problem and you
think you have to
solve it for them. This
may not be what your
child really wants
from you. Your child
may just want you to
listen while they talk
themselves through
the problem.
A poem “Could You
Just Listen?” states
“When I ask you to
listen to me and you
feel you have to do
something to solve my
problems, you have
failed me, strange as
that may seem.”
Listening, without giving ad
vice is difficult for us to do, after
all, we have a lot of “life experi
ences” to draw from and we can
quickly make an appropriate de
cision.
Occasionally parents need to
get involved in the issue, but if we
always jump in with help, we are
not really helping. This method,
like criticism, is not helpful to our
children as they struggle to be
come independent.
Jane Bluestein in Parents
Teens and Boundaries: How to
Draw the Line, suggests that if
your child has learned that acting
helpless will result in someone
taking control and solving the
problem you can still help them
learn to take responsibility. She
says you need to refrain from
jumping in and solving problems,
instead gently and lovingly push
the problem back to them to
solve.
You might ask the child if
there is something they want you
to do but be careful not to handle
the problem for the child.
Be sure to check back with
your child, you might ask: “How
do you feel about what hap
pened?” “What can you do to
avoid this problem in the fu-
ture?”
When parents offer encourage
ment and support instead of solv
ing the problem for their chil
dren, children gain confidence
and will be able to make respon
sible decisions when adults aren’t
directly supervising.
John Rosemond in Teen-
Proofing gives parents sugges
tions on how to manage teenag
ers so they will take the responsi
bility of control over their own
lives. He suggests that the teen
years are akin to revisiting the
“toddler” stage of child develop
ment. Parents of young children
are advised to “child-proof’ their
homes by removing things that
might harm the child. When we
are dealing with teens it’s impos
sible to “teen-proof’ their envi
ronment in the same way we did
when they were young. As par
ents we need to guide them to
manage their own self-protection
by learning to make responsible
decisions.
Jane Bluestein concludes the
chapter on “Raising Independent
Children” by saying “Problem
solving is choice-making.” Your
children will get better at it the
more they do it. And the more
they problem-solve successfully,
the more confident they feel, and
the more independent they be
come. Protecting children means
giving them tools to protect
themselves and plenty of oppor
tunities to test these tools with
you there to support them when
the tool they select doesn’t work.
The entire family participates in making donuts at
Reading Terminal Market’s annual Pennsylvania Dutch
Festival on Aug. 2,3, and 4, from 8 a.m.-5 p.m. The festi
val features authentic Pennsylvania Dutch handmade
quilts, brooms, woodcrafts, cakes, pies, donuts, ice
cream, preserves and more. On Saturday, Aug. 4, the fes
tivities include Amish buggy rides around the market and
a petting zoo of live horses, sheep, goats, chickens, don
keys, and calves.
Pennsylvania Dutch Fest
PHILADELPHIA Have you
ever wondered what it’s like to
ride in an Amish buggy? Or how
the Pennsylvania Dutch make
their delicious ice cream, donuts,
and fudge? No need to wonder
anymore. This summer Lancas
ter County comes to Center City
with the Pennsylvania Dutch
Festival at Reading Terminal
Market.
On Aug. 2, 3 and 4, Reading
Terminal Market, 12th and Arch
Streets, celebrates the traditions,
foods, and crafts of the Pennsyl
vania Dutch. The festival runs 8
a.m.-S p.m. and features Penn-
sylvania Dutch handmade crafts
including quilts, cedar chests,
wooden toys and clocks, brooms,
braided rugs and more. If it’s
those delectable sweets you’re
after, look no further. A smorgas
bord of Pennsylvania Dutch
treats including homemade
chicken pot pie, ice cream, do
nuts, fudge, funnel cakes, and
pies will be available.
On Saturday, Aug. 4, the fes
tivities move outdoors as live
farm animals including horses,
goats, sheep, chickens, donkeys,
and calves fill Arch Street.