£ 30 Notes To Dad by ° Cheryl Miller Perry Co. 0 Extension Agent Conflict, the mere mention of the word strikes fear in the heart of humankind. Yet, conflict is an inevitable part of every day liv ing, especially in close relation ships such as we find in families. We are all members of a fami ly, it may be adult-child, adult parent, parent-child or sibling-si bling. However the family is or ganized there will be inevitable disagreement. Conflict is not something negative that is to be avoided, but something that should be accepted as a natural part of everyday life and essen tial to productive growth and change, providing it is resolved in a constructive manner. Conflict is defined as the prod uct or outcome generated when two or more people differ in terms of expectations, desires, and opinions. It can vary from a mild disagreement to the ex treme of physical and/or emo tional abuse. Here is an example of a mild form of conflict that my friend shared with me the other day: Dale’s (a pseudonym) son was ready to leave for school. As he was going out the door, his father noticed he was wearing a pair of jeans with holes in the knees find the hems frayed and tom, a tee shirt, over which he was wearing his father’s flannel shirt that hung to his knees. Dale feels very strongly that dress influences the behavior of the individual. Therefore, he didn’t want his son dressing for school as if he were going out to CONSTRU ■ Poured Solid Concrete Si ■ The Wall is only as Good • Manure Pit Walls • Hog House Walls • Chicken House Walls ■ Concrete Decks • House Foundation Walls • Cistern Walls ■ Barnyard Walls • Concrete Pit Tops • Silage Pit Walls • Retaining Walls All sizes available - round or rectangular Take thequestions out- of your new construction. Celt Balmer Bros. Iter quality engineered walls. Balmer Bros. CONCRETE WORK, INC. Invest in Quality - It will last a lifetime, clean the bam. He confronted his son on his choice of clothing. You guessed it; his son expressed his difference of opinion. “What difference does it make what I wear to school. Everyone dresses like this. I’m old enough to wear what I want to.” This is a good example of a typical conflict within a family; however, the degree to which this conflict escalates is dependent upon how skillful my friend is in managing the situation. Dale is a savvy Dad, he chose to deal with the conflict in a constructive manner. They both agreed to dis cuss the dress code when his son came home from school with the outcome being a negotiated com promise. My friend’s first response could have been saying, “Young man you’re not leaving this house until you’ve changed your clothes,” which would have esca lated the conflict. His son would have refused to change, leading to yelling, name-calling and the ultimate parental control effort of grounding. Thus, mining the day for both Father and Son. It is helpful to think of conflict as a circle. It has a beginning, but if not stopped it has no end, it keeps going around. In the previ ous example, the school attire was the trigger around which Fa ther and son had a difference of opinion or conflict. Dale con fronted Jordon (a pseudonym), his son about his choice of cloth ing. Jordon’s reaction was an argu- EMLENTON (Clarion Co.) Many people have already caught on to the trend of drink ing flavored milk for a great tast ing beverage and a more colorful mustache. Now, hip lip coloring can be seen on The Powerpuff Girls 1 ' 1 , Dewey of “Malcolm in the Middle” and Spongeßob mentative remark. At this point, Dale has subconsciously had a choice to make. He can evoke an immediate emotional reaction by saying, “You’re not leaving this house wearing those clothes!” That choice will accelerate the conflict. His other choice is to control his emotions and not show that he was hurt and angered by Jor don’s remark, which will inter rupt the conflict cycle. Dale chose to be a responsible adult controlling his emotions. He made an appointment with Jordon to talk to him that eve ning about appropriate school at tire. By keeping Ids tone light, his son would not dread the talk that night, when they would discuss the clothing situation. Rather than becoming discour aged and frustrated, Dale is get ting away from the problem and by agreeing on a designated time to reopen the discussion with his son. The time away from the in tense and immediate emotions of the conflict allows time for relax ation and reflection; this break will enable both Dale and Jordon to gain new insight and perspec tive about the issue. The discus sion can be reopened with more creative alternatives in mind. A wise parent realizes conflict is inevitable and will utilize skills to manage it to an agreeable out come. An equally important les son in resolving conflict is to manage emotions. Both are crit ical in stopping the cycle of con flict. 243 Miller Road Akron, PA 17501 (717) 733-0353 6:30 AM - 3:30 PM (717) 859-2074 After 6:00 PM Newest Milk Stars En Kids To Explore Milk Gladiolus Bulbs Sikking Brother’s Inc. 't/a'UcCceA s4(uUt