82-Lancaster Farming, Saturday, March 3,2001
Like ‘Fence Posts Talking To Each Other’
LOU ANN GOOD
Lancaster Farming Staff
LANCASTER (Lancaster
Co.— “People get so wrapped
up in their own problems, they
fail to communicate effectively
with others. The result is every
one is talking to each other, but
no one is really listening. It’s like
talking to a fence post,” Dr.
Ronald Hanson said.
Hanson, a motivational
speaker from the University of
Nebraska, counsels family mem
bers farming together. Recently,
Hanson addressed the agri
educational seminar sponsored
by First Union at the Farm and
Home Center, Lancaster.
“Juggling demands of work,
family, and personal needs is a
challenge. And when farm
prices take a nose dive, it causes
additional stress in the mar
riage,” Hanson said.
During extended periods of
farm stress caused by overwork,
constant worry, low market
prices, and financial hardships,
spouses often experience frus
tration. The sense of helpless
ness, of not being able to change
market prices, and other situa
tions can build into anger and
depression.
Hanson works with family
members to help them learn to
communicate more effectively.
He said the three most frequent
complaints between family
members include the following:
• He or she won’t discuss his
or her feelings with me.
• He or she tunes me out.
• He or she has time to talk
with everyone but me.
Wives often complain that if a
husband meets a fellow farmer
at a sale, he will spend a hour
and more talking with that
farmer. But he has nothing to
say when alone with her.
A husband may complain that
his wife is always talking on the
phone with her friends, but she
never has time to talk with him.
“Call her on the phone,”
Hanson advises.
“I can’t,” her husband said.
“The line is always busy.”
Situations such as these are
no laughing matter to the cou
ples involved. Building healthy
communication is no easy feat,
especially if poor communica
tion skills have become a way of
life.
“Too often the inability to
openly share personal feelings
and the failure to discuss expec
tations can ruin family relation
ships,” Hanson said.
Disagreements do not destroy
relationships. It’s how you
handle disagreements that
either destroy or build relation
ships, Hanson stresses.
Solving differences requires
commitment. When Hanson
counsels couples, he requires
them to go alone on a date at
least monthly. That means no
other family members or friends
can accompany the couple, and
mouses can gt jo wrapped up . . own problems. it even if they do no one
is really listening. It’s like talking to a fence post, according to Dr. Ron Hanson, Univer
sity of Nebraska. Hanson counsels farm families on how to improve relationships.
Giving each other the silent treatment is a guaranteed way to build barriers in mar-
nage.
the couple is not allow to attend
a party or other event where
people might detract from the
couple’s attention to each other.
Developing a good relation
ship between spouses requires a
commitment of time and atten
tion to each other.
Sometimes a spouse shrugs
off a complaint by a spouse,
dismissing its importance, but
Hanson cautions, “Anytime
someone perceives a problem,
there is now a problem whether
the problem is real or not. The
problem will continue to exist
until that perception is actually
changed.”
Spouses need to be sensitive to
each other. Couples need to un
derstand the situation and cir
cumstances involved in order to
work on a problem.
Barriers to communication
between family members in
clude the following:
• Reluctant to share personal
feelings with others.
• Afraid to admit a mistake,
• Not willing to take the time
to listen to others.
• Too much talking
enough listening.
• Hard to effectively commu
nicate when someone is always
angry.
• Don’t want to be bothered
by others.
• Lack of trust with others.
Lack of respect for others.
• Concerned with only their
own needs and self-interests.
• Not interested in what
someone else has to say.
• Lack of self-confidence and
self-esteem.
Ten Skills For
Good Listening
Between Family Members
• Do not pass judgment until
you have understood what the
other person said.
• Do not add viewpoints or
change what the other person
has said.
not
• Do not permit your atten
tion to drift while the other
person is talking.
• Do not interrupt or change
the subject.
• Do not close your mind.
• Do not finish a sentence for
the other person.
• Do not permit wishful
thinking.
• Do not rehearse your re
sponse.
• Do not put the other person
off by saying, “We’ll talk about
it later.”
• Do not rush the other person
by saying, “This better be
quick.” Or, “I’m in a hurry.”
Unfair Fighting Tactics
To Avoid During
A Disagreement
• Refuse to admit a problem
exists.
• Walk away or give the silent
treatment. Unwillingness to dis
cuss the problem at hand.
• Attack the other person
when there is no chance for re
buttal.
• Point out the other person’s
insecurities and faults.
• Say that friends and rela
tives agree with you.
• Keep fighting about the
same old problems and issues no
matter what the argument.
Family disagreements are
normal and often inevitable,
Hanson reminded the audience,
but disagreements do not need
to ruin family relationships.
“Learn to have disagreements
without being disagreeable,”
Hanson said.
That advice is easier tQ say
than to carry through. When
trying to solve disagreements,
learn to look for win-win situa
tions.
Everyone needs to save face.
Make a concession or two as a
friendly gesture of good will.
Resist having the last word or in
taking a parting shot after
things have been settled.
Know when to stop talking
and just listen.
Too often in arguments cou
ples use “killer terms.” Exam
ples of “killer terms” are “How
dumb can you be?” Or, “Why
do you always do that?”
Killer terms will stop the com
munication process entirely.
Learn to share the blame. Use
“I” words rather than “you”
words such as “you always” or
“you never” when responding.
Hanson said that family argu
ments should be kept private
and should never be argued in
public. Generally, this isn’t a
problem for farm families who
tend to be very private. Instead,
Hanson said, personal pride pre
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tertwines humor with truth
during motivational talks on
family relationships.