On Being a
Farm Wife
(and other
hazards)
Joyce Bupp
Confession time.
All that mayhem and violence
constantly being paraded by us
in the media has finally caught
up with me.
I've acquired a gun.
This move was not without
some self-searching. Gun-wise,
I’m a fence-sitting, middle-of
the-roader, from a family deeply
rooted in the hunting tradition,
and sympathetic to the economic
devastation overabundant wild
life can wreak on farm crops. At
the same time, I'm baffled why
anyone would want their own ar
senal or assault rifle, or why any
person under the age of 21
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should have their hands on a gun
without a responsible, law-abid
ing adult hanging over their
shoulder manning a trigger lock.
That said, I’ve acquired a gun.
And taken my first shots. At a
cat.
Whoa...whoa...whoa! Don’t go
there. Let me explain.
For months I’ve battled a cou
ple of cats over bird feeder terri
torial rights on the back porch.
The feeder is just a few steps
from the window at the kitchen
sink, so sited for our maximum
observance of the chickadees, tit
mice, finches, doves, woodpeck
ers, jays, cardinals and assorted
“While the use of microwaves
to cook food is totally safe for
consumers, the way microwave
ovens heat food can cause some
safety problems, especially for
children,” says Swamy Anan
theswaran, associate professor of
food science.
Even heating a cup of water
inside a microwave oven can be
dangerous. Boiling water on a
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other feathered friends stopping
by for daily snacks.
Didn’t take long for a few of
the smartest barn cat hunters to
figure that a bird at the feeder
was a lot easier to snag than two
in any bush. The feline culprits
have been deterred only slightly
by my “fencing” the feeder with
a couple of strips of rain gutter
mesh and still spend considerable
time sitting under the feeder just
waiting for its sunflower seed
customers to innocently alight
and start snacking.
With the arrival of window
screen weather, it’s easy to toss a
cup of water out the window at
the offending cat whenever I spy
one lurking under the feeder. But
that’s messy, splashes all over the
place and is hard to aim.
After one recent “bird bath”
dousing of a cat, the proverbial
light bulb went on. Gift of choice
at a grandson’s recent birthday
pqrty had been squirt guns; he
now boasts an arsenal of about a
dozen of them, ranging from tiny
derringers to water-fueled AK
-475, most of them fashioned from
neon-blaze-orange plastic.
conventional stove allows steam
to escape through the bubbling
action as the water reaches a
boil. By contrast, a microwave
oven heats unevenly, which can
create pockets of water that are
much hotter than other parts of
the water in the container.
“As the water heats unevenly,
the built-up steam cannot escape
through bubbling,” Anantheswa-
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So now, I’ve acquired a gun. A
“squirt” gun.
This blue-plastic, pistol-sized,
one-cup-calibre water gun I have
out on loan is ideal for rousting
those songbird stalkers. It’s quiet,
effective, cheap and harmless.
Even a little challenging, to hit
the cat and not the birds.
Seeing as how water guns are
a summertime toy of choice for
kids (and adults, from what I ob
served after the birthday party),
it seems there could be numerous
uses for them around the farm. If
we can just figure out how to
harness their capabilities.
• Watering plants, for in
stance. Kids and water seem to
go seamlessly hand in hand. Let
them think they’re not supposed
to squirt your houseplants sum
mering outside on the porch and
they’ll keep them nice and moist
through the most extreme heat
and dry. How to handle their
similar watering of the inside
plants may be more of a problem.
• Washing the car. If your car
is plastered with farm dust and
muddy cat prints as is mine at
the moment it may take one of
those giant Super Soaker squirt-
ran says. “When you add some
thing to the water, such as sugar,
instant coffee or a spoon, these
superheated pockets of water can
release very hot steam that can
cause first-degree burns.”
Adding ingredients such as
sugar or instant coffee to the
water before microwaving to
promote bubbling or boiling.
Consumers never should use
paper towels, plastic wraps or
wax papers that are not clearly
marked as microwave safe. Some
microwave packages shouldn’t
be heated more than once in a
microwave oven.
Fast-food products wrapped in
metal foils can cause sparking,
which can ignite the paper bags
used to package a take-out order.
Consumers should be extreme
ly careful about using any metal
container or utensil. Sharply
pointed tips, sharp edges and
even the points and edges formed
by crinkled aluminum foil can
cause sparks. Some metal con
tainers can be used in a micro
wave oven if they have smooth
and rounded surfaces and edges.
“Pointed objects act as a light
ning rod, attracting electrical en
ergy,” Anantheswaran explains.”
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ers to do the job. Those monster
H2O-weapons might also work
for washing second and third
floor windows outside, provided
your kids or you have <
practiced aim.
• Pre-soaking cows' teats prior
to milking prep. Just turn the
kids loose on the cows shortly be
fore milking. Of course, we all
have in our herds at least a cou
ple of those mud-puppy-cows
needing a water cannon rather
than water pistol to come clean.
• Sign your work, the parent
lender of the pistol tells me that,
if one is real steady-handed with
her weapon, one can write her
name in water on the side of a
big canvas like the barn door.
Sort of a perfect gun crime in
which the evidence literally evap
orates. Which, by the way, is
what the cats have done from
under the bird feeder since we
took up guerrilla waterfare.
Warning to salesmen heading
for our front door: This house is
protected by a squirt-gun-armed
farm wife.
Now if we could just figure out
some way to use it on telemar
keters.
Consumers
pates electrical energy by
grounding it. In a microwave, the
electrical buildup will cause spar
ks because there is no way to
ground it.
“China dishes with gilt bands
of gold, silver or other metals
also will arc in certain micro
wave ovens,” Anantheswaran
says. “Each microwave oven has
its own unique electrical field
and heating pattern. The best
policy is never to put gilted china
in a microwave oven.”
Thick, viscous liquids such as
soups or stews can heat un
evenly as well. Products con
taining salt are particularly
prone to uneven heating. “Salt
absorbs massive amounts of mi
crowave energy,” he explains.
“The soup at the center of the
bowl may be cold or just right,
yet a spoonful from the periph
ery of the bowl may scald or even
burn your mouth.”
Anantheswaran says soups
and stews will heat more evenly
if cooked using power levels set
at 50 percent or 75 percent.
Stirring the product between
heating is recommended as well.
Consumers never should try to
cook whole eggs in microwave
ovens, because the high-in-fat
yolk heats much faster
than the rest of the
egg. “The egg does not
look particularly omi
nous in its shell, but
once cracked, the yolk
could scald or burn, he
said. “You can find
the perfect cooking
time for eggs through
experimentation but in
my opinion, it's easier
to boil the egg in
water.”
Consumers can
cause plastics, ceram
ics, and even glass car
ousel plates to melt by
not paying attention to
heating times or acti
vating buttons. Cooks
may inadvertently
punch in 22:00 instead
of 2:20, or punch in 22
minutes and hit the
“power” button in
stead of the “timer”
button.
“The kitchen is a
busy place, and you
may not realize what
is happening until it is
too late,” Anantheswa
ran says.