84-Lancaster Farming, Saturday, August 22, 1998
Taking
Time
by
Rebecca
Escott
The Tyranny Of
Others’ Expectations
We criticize our children when
they give in to peer pressure, but
how do we do under the same
pressure? Sometime we handle it
well, sometimes not so well. Ste
phen Covey and other authors talk
routinely about the “tyranny of the
urgent” how the urgent de
mands suck up our time some
times stealing it from the truly im
portant things. Recently I read one
person’s comments about another
tyranny the tyranny of others’
expectations.
Webster defines “tyranny” as
the harsh, unfair rule by another,
having another person be in com
plete control. In our family we
jokingly refer to it as the “You’ve
got to. ..” syndrome.
This past week, I saw the
“You’ve got to. . .” syndrome at
work in many places. “You’ve got
to buy a person at least two or
three outfits for a baby shower.”
“You’ve got to eat something
when you’re at the community
festival.” “You’ve got to wear a
certain brand and style of tie to the
office.”
Used well, others’ expectations
can actually help us. It helps if an
individual who is trying to lose
weight has a support person to
hold him accountable for his meal
choices and exercise routine. Col-
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lege students are often assigned
study partners to make it more ac
ceptable to work on a project dili
gently. Health promotion plans
employ children to urge their par
ents to stop smoking. Parenting
groups meet to encourage one an
other to use positive discipline
techniques and to balance family
and personal time.
Unfortunately, others’s expec
tations can also push us to make
choices that aren’t the best People
buy a certain car or an RV because
other people in their community
have them. Others may volunteer
on lots of boards and church com
mittees and rarely spend time with
their children. Families may
splurge on a vacation because
others at the summer ball games
keep asking what their plans are.
Senior citizens pledge their Social
Security checks to organizations
they don’t even know after a kind
phone call.
Parents of youngsters feel pres
sure to enroll their children in all
sorts of special programs so they
will be better candidates for the
best colleges. People go out on the
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weekends even if they don’t want
to because someone kidded them
about being “over the hill” or “no
fun.” And on the little consumer
matters, we buy, serve, and give
brand name products because we
don’t want to be embarrassed hav
ing others see us using a less ex
pensive item. The tyranny goes on
and on.
If you are noticing that saying
“No” is more difficult than saying
“Yes” because of others’ expecta
tions, here are a few things to con
sider. First, recognize your weak
spots. What are the areas where
you give in most comparing
children? clothes? vacations/so
cial life? proving toughness?
charity fund-raisers?
Second, tell someone else about
the weakness. Ask them to pay at
tention to your choices and remind
you if you’re getting ready to go
back on a family decision because
of outside pressure.
Finally, put together a plan of
attack. Know and practice what to
to do when that “tyranny of
others’ expectations’ kicks in.
Here are a few I’ve heard.
“We allow our children to be in
volved in only one extracurricular
activity at a time. That way we can
have some time together as a fami
ly.” “I’m sorry, our family makes
no pledges over the phone. You
may send us information in the
mail, and we will consider it.”
“1 have a standing commitment
to my husband for Sunday eve
nings, I’ll have to miss your par
ty.”
“You know the rule. No couple
dating until you are 16 years old.
At my educational workshops,
people will approach me after
ward and meekly share a standard
in their family. Often they believe
that these standards are unusual.
But I have heard the rules enough
times to know that many families
don’t allow children to date until
16, that many people buy generic
grocery products or “irregular”
clothes, that many people buy a
used car rather than a new one be-
At the Lancaster 4-H Fair, Kristine Fisher, 9, beams with
pride for earning a gold ribbon for her peanut butter kisses.
With her is Kristine’s 4-H cooking leader Tina Dill, who also
teaches 4-H clubs in baby-sitting, pets, and foods.
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