84-Lancaster Farming, Saturday, August 8, 1998
Taking
Time
by
Rebecca
Escott
He Loves Me, He Loves
Me Not
To some “he loves me, he
loves me not” may be the mus
mgs of a teenage girl about her
beau, but to many children it’s a
painful questions that they ask
about their parents or their
brothers and sisters. When
“baby makes three (or four),” the
family suddenly has all the mak
ings for war under one roof.
Sibling rivalry has existed
since the beginning of time and
the experts don’t even suggest
that we try to end it. Rather,
they encourage parents to
understand it and to take posi
tive steps to manage all the
rollercoaster feelings that they
and their children feel when
energy and attention must be
shared.
Sounds easy, but it isn’t. I
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think if you ask parents, the gut
reaction is to forbid fighting
when their kids start bickerin
about who called the front seat
first. Adults tend to force apolo
gies and demand sharing when
arguments over the computer or
a toy erupt. And the results
aren’t satisfactory. Parents are
hungry for the magical medicine
that will calm the sea of push
ing, tattletahng, fury-causing
“looks,” and unspoken competi
tion.
Into that sea, come Adele
Faber and Elain Mazlish,
authors of Siblings without
Rivalry, with some insight and
encouragement.
Interestingly, these authors
have found that when sibling
fighting is entirely forbidden,
the children grow up also not
having a relationship with one
another. Somehow in bickering,
children are also bonding and
learning social negotiation
skills. That’s why experts advise
parents not to have the unrea
sonable goal of eliminating
rivalry but rather of managing it
(or helping sons and daughters
manage it) better.
Faber advises, with low level
bickering, to simply let it run its
course. When the argument
escalates, however, adults
should intervene.
First, speak directly to the
children’s feelings, “Boy, you two
are furious with each other!”
Noticing their feelings actu
ally reduces the intensity of the
anger. Finally someone is notic
ing their pain.
Second, listen to each per
son’s position on the problem.
“One at a time...” “Oh, you
wanted to use the computer
because your promised to send
your friend a note as soon as you
got home.” “Oh, you wanted to
use the computer to finish your
homework and you can’t wait
because your favorite TV show is
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Third, acknowledge the com
plexity of the problem. Say to
them, “Wow, this is a very diffi
cult situation. Both of you want
to use the computer right now
for different things.”
Fourth, give them permission
to think up a solution. “I have
confidence that you can come up
with a solution to the problem
that is fair to you, [child’s name]
and also fair to you, [sibling’s
name].
According to Faber, it’s
important to stress that the sol
untion must be fair to both.
Ohterwise, the older, stronger,
savvier child comes up with the
solution, and it really doesn’t
feel fair to both.
Finally, leave the room with a
short comment. “If you want to
you can tell me what you come
up with.” Try to not let them fol
low you and draw you back into
the problem. Expect silence.
After some awkward moments,
the children will usually timidly
venture into solving the prob
lem.
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Brothers and sisters truly do
have the capacity to solve prob
lems, but parents need to set the
tone and give messages about
how they believe in the kids and
value their combined skills.
“Stop it. What is there to
fight about?” “Why can’t you
share, etc.?” “Now neither of you
can...” “Give it to her, she’s
younger” “You’re making me
crazy. Wait until you have chil
dren of your own, you’ll see.” are
all rather ineffective ways to
respond. Faber also says, calling
“Hey, you two, work it out!” from
a neighboring room is also inef
fective. An adult’s physical pres
ence, personal listening, and
then clear directions gives chil
dren the structure they need to
move ahead and work through
an argument.
This is an important lesson
It tells a child that both avoiding
the fight and screaming and bul
lying their way to victory are not
good choices. Instead fair negoti
ation is the best way to handle
differences. Wouldn’t it be great
if adults took the time to tackle
grown-up problems in the same
way?
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