ASMancuter Farming, Saturday, March t, 1997
Dairy Days Events Offer Perspective
VERNON ACHENBACH JR.
Lancaster Farming Staff
MYERSTOWN (Lebanon
Co.) A family counselor pro
vided some perspective on life and
some tools for developing and
maintaining an environment con
ducive to good mental health as
part of Lebanon County Exten
sion’s Dairy Day event this week.
Meanwhile, at the Lancaster
County Extension Dairy Day I,
held Tuesday, a milking systems
expert from the University of
Wisconsin-Madison discussed in
technical detail what makes a good
milking system, how to run checks
on the system, and what considera
tions might be made in design.
The Lancaster County Dairy
Days n is set to be held March 4 at
the Lancaster Farm and Home
Center and a report is to be pub
lished in the next issue of Lancas
ter Farming.
While not the first dairy day
events of the year, the Lancaster
and Lebanon events usually attract
a strong attendance and provide
speakers offering useful
information.
The events are held in the late
winter/early spring because that
time usually fits better in the sche
dule of the dairy farmer.
The events also provide a primer
for the year in getting some new
information injected into consider
ing farm business strategies.
At the Lebanon event, Jerry
Sbenk, a family counselor, talked
about building hopes in families.
He discussed how to deal with
fears. First he said, is to recognize
the fear for what it really is. Second
is to value that fear.
He said that fears are natural and
are part of being human, as God
intended. Once the fear is recog
nized then the value of it can be
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realized and some plan to deal with
that fear can be developed. Shenk
said that is next in dealing with
fear developing a vision for
what to do to take care of that fear.
He said that one a vision is deve
loped then an action plan can be
developed next, but that action
plan has to be in line with what is
understood. The level of committ
ment to that action should be con
gruent with understanding, he said.
And then when dealing with that
fear, he said it is very important to
“trust the real you.”
And faith is important in being
able to leant how to accept those
things about being human that are
not necessarily seen as advanta
geous to achieving a “successful”
life, and then, once learning how to
accept those things, then to deal
with them.
Shenk- discussed some of the
fears that involve farm families,
and some of the results of attempt
ing to handle them alone, without
really recognizing or admitting the
existence of those fears.
He also told stories about situa
tions with which he has been
involved in helping to resolve that
involved fears, a lack of dealing
with them, the anger and frustra
tion and resentment that resulted,
and how the situation was resolved
after the fears were acknowledged,
and the intent behind the apparent
anger that caused the rift in the
family relations was communi
cated and how it changed the atti
tudes and lead to foregiveness and
healing.
He talked about a father who by
any account was mentally and
physically hard on a son, and how
the son was pushed to achieve and
pursue a goal that wasn’t really
what the son wanted to pursue.
After some physical punish-
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ment resulted from the son getting
a “B” grade instead of the usual
“A,” and after some intervention
and discussion between counselor
and father, counselor and son, and
then father and son and counselor,
it turned out that the reason the
father was so hard on the son was
because the father grew up during
the Depression and had a tough life
growing up and didn’t want his son
to have to suffer the way he did.
After learning the intent of his
father’s actions, the son’s attitude
changed. It worked out well,
Shenk said, after the father real
ized that the son was doing well
and was going to be alright without
harsh parental oversight.
The father’s fears, left
unaddressed by him, manifest
themselves in extreme compensat
ing behavior that did nothing to
resolve the . fear.
That is not the way to live happi
ly and healthfully, much less set up
an easy and successful generation
al transfer of a farm.
Shenk said that it is an unavoid
able part of the human experience
to be hurt by loved ones. It is going
to happen, he said, adding that it
should be cherished in the know
ledge that it is pan of the human
experience, as God made it
But forgiveness must follow,
and forgiveness, Shenk said, is
something we do for ourselves, not
for others.
Foregiven ess involves personal
and interpersonal healing and
hope.
It also involves a choice to let go
of the hurts that have been made.
Letting go and foregiving
should be done with the primary
goal of healing ourselves, he said.
As an illustration of a good exam
ple of foregive and to be
able to keep the tragedies of life
from destroying life, he briefly
On Farm Design, Life
talked about how American come
dian and entertainer Bill Cosby has
dealt with the murder of his son.
Shenk said Cosby is a great
example of not allowing pain and
tragedy to control his life.
“Let’s think of forgiveness as
something we do primarily for
ourselves,” he skid. “In the; First
Testament, Jesus said this clearly
many, many times.”
He also talked about anger and
how it comes from a feeling of
some fear or an act that violates
and gives a sense of being
wronged.
Shenk said anger is definitely
different for men and women. In
brief, he said that it is destructive
to those close to us, it can be tem
porary if faced, and it will just
cause more problems if kept
inside.
The way not deal with anger is
to allow to vent in unhealthy out
lets, Shenk said. Those include
attempting to get even and make
them pay, pushing or avoiding the
other person, to allow your own
physical condition to be affected,
and to judge oneself too harshly.
Hate, he said, is frozen love.
Forgiveness, as far as requesting
it, requites action. He said it is
accomplished when the two people
involved can engagte in a mutual
relationship. It requires that trust
be re-established and also some
type of action, such as overtly
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giving.
Shenk gave an example of a
couple that had a problem when
the husband violated a trustand the
wife didn’t feel that she could ever
forgive him, even though he
admitted his wrongdoing and vow
ed it would never be repeated.
His action was to swear that he
wduld not change his shirt for a
specified number of months and
when people would inquire as to
why the shift wasn’t changed, he
would tell them about what he did
to violate his wife's trust
At first she didn’t think it would
make a difference. After a week
she started feeling that he was
making a fool out of himself, then
after several weeks, she started to
pity him, and eventually she made
him stop and his demonstration
was accepted as an overt action to
substantiate the re-establishment
of trust
But one of the biggest obstacles
to resolving the inevitable hurts
that people inflict upon one
another is the inability to say, Tm
sorry,"
“Saying it out loud is good,
helpful and hopeful,” Shenk said,
but added that some people do it in
other ways, pitch as a women may
cook a favorite meal as a way of
apologizing, of a man may do
something special for his wife.
However, actually verbalizing,
“I’m sorry,” and meaning it does a
lot
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To obtain additional informa
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up for consideration to receive
funding, contact the Armstrong
Conservation District office at the
Armsdale Administration Build
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PA 16201, (412) 548-3425.
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