The Risky Business
Of Pre-Adolescence
Children of any age can be chal
lenging to parents, but when chil
dren hit their “middle years” or
pre-teen years, I see parent anxiety
increase. Changes happen rapidly,
and parents wonder if the teen
years will really be as awful as so
many people say. Add to that the
concerns about their children
making transitions to middle or
junior high schools where they
may face new peer pressures in-
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volving drugs, sex, alcohol, or re
bellious or destructive behavior.
Anne Petersen, former Dean of
the College of Health and Human
Development at Penn State writes,
“We know that young adolescents
are argumentative, sometimes ob
noxious. Parents throw in the tow
el, and that is the worst thing they
can do. Adolescents need to know
that parental support is there.”
She goes on to describe how
changes in society make it easier
for young teens and parents to dis-
connect crazy work hours, lots
of kids having access to cars, di
vorces and separations. She con
tinued, “Parents need to know that
when (researchers) ask adoles
cents, especially young adoles
cents, who is most important to
them, they say their patents, even
if the parents are reporting con
flict” Parents are NOT powerless.
They don’t have to sit back and
just watch this roller coaster per
iod pass. They can stay engaged in
their kids’ lives. Like so many
other important parenting tasks it
requires being available and offers
ing lots of listening time. Petersen
recommends that parents provide,
“unconditional love, firm guide
lines. and strong expectations.”
Parents need to be ready to lis
ten and answer questions about
lots of topics including sexuality.
Over SO percent of teens feel they
can’t talk to their patents about
sexual matters and also don’t
think they get the information they
need in classes at school. If those
sources don’t work, they naturally
look to friends, media and other
sources for their information. As a
to
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parent, is that what you want?
How can moms and dads become
“askable parents?”
First try to be open to questions
in general. Why do things like the
bombing in Oklahoma City hap
pen? What do you think about the
death penalty? What would you
do if I dyed my hair purple? By
listening and exploring these
questions with children, you make
it more likely that they’ll also ask
you about sexuality issues.
Second, get the facts. Read.
Know everything you can know
about teen development If con
versations make you uncomfort
able, admit that to your child, but
don’t use that as an excuse to stop
communicating. When your child
asks a question, begin by respond
ing, ‘Tell me what you already
know.” This allows you to affirm
what is correct and correct misin
formation. Share your values with
your child. Don’t force the values
on your child, but stand strong in
stating what you believe.
Third, expect to answer the
same question many times. Chil
dren need time to think about what
you’ve said and may need to hear
&**%
Lmmmt rih-ming, Saturday, May 13, 1995-B7
an explanation several times.
Also, don’t worry about giving too
much or too little information. If
you give too little, the child will
come back with more questions. If
you give too much, the child will
hear what he can use and discard
the rest
Finally, not only can parents be
available but they can also encour
age their children to develop
friendships witih positive older
teens/adults. I’ve been spending
time with four high school girls re
cently. One of their mothers stop
ped me, and thanked me for taking
time to care about her daughter.
She said. “It’s nice to have people
who can give my kids something
that I. as a mother, can’t give,”
She was right. There are some
roles that parents can’t fill in their
children’s lives. Even in those cas
es. parents can help direct their
children to people who can sup
port their development in a heal
thy way.
The pre-teen and teen years can
be risky ones. As a parent, you
play an important role in support
ing your child as she makes ad
justments and decisions. Your in
put matters.