Family Living
Focus
by
Multi-County
Extension Agent
Winifred McGee
Make “I Statements”
Your Holiday Gift
Susan was really on top of the
holiday chores this year—presents
wrapped, decorations up and even
the grocery shopping done —until
the phone rang. Her plans had
included going to her parents’
house for the big holiday meal,
and her mother’s message turned
everything upside down.
Her mom said, “I’ve been
thinking of revamping the whole
menu this year and your candied
yam jiish won’t fit in after a 11...”
At this, Sifsan flew off the han
dle “What do you mean it won’t fit
in? Don’t you like my yams? I
have a good mind to tell Ted and
the kids that we’ll just stay home
for the holidays!” She hung up
before her mother could say
another word.
This scene, or one like it, is all
too common. We are now in the
midst of the holiday seasons —a
time when spirits are high and,
unfortunately, tempers tend to
flare. Vacations from work and
school, holiday get-togethers and
parties, and, often, too much of all
the “good things” bring us into
more contact with our family and
friends and give us opportunities
to communicate — or miscommu-
nicate—how we feel,
Make an early resolution to do
your part to communicate effec
tively. A good place to start
improving communication is to
look at it closely. Most people
think that communicating is the
same as speaking—in fact we so
value speech that we have a spot in
most baby books for “baby’s first
words.” Really, though, good
communication starts with listen
ing not talking, so it might be bet
ter to record “baby first listened
t 0...” According to Dr. Leo Bus
tad, Dean of Washington State
University College of Veterinary
Medicines
• 98% of what we learn we
learn through our eyes and ears
• 70% of an average office
work day is spent in communica
tion
• this percentage is higher for
students and the time breakdown
for various types of communica-
tion is
9% writing
16% reading
30% speaking
45% listening
Good listening starts with good
attitudes. First, we must have
'empathy for the speakers This
means trying to understand (but
not necessarily agreeing with) the
thoughts, feelings and positions of
the other person. Second, we must
accept that the other person feels
the way that they do. This again
does not mean that we agree with
their actions, ideas or values—
only that we don’t judge them and
shut our ears to what they say.
Third, we need to give the speaker
some feedback to check that we
understand them and to confirm
that we were truly listening. If
feedback is done with care and
consideration of others, it is an
important communication tool.
In giving feedback, try to
remember to describe how you
react to what has been said —with-
out passing judgment. Tell the
speaker what impact their message
has on you, and give them a
chance to decide to clarify, or
change, what they have said. Do
not force them to accept your
ideas; use an “I” message, rather
than a “you” message. “I” mes
sages consist of three parts
• the idea or behavior that you
have heard or seen
• the feeling you experience
because of the idea/ behavior
• the visible effect of that feel-
ing
In comparison, “you” messages
make other people feel badly, and
as if they must defend themselves.
The “you” message is usually an
order, command, blaming or name
calling statement. They require
that the speaker change, or use a
solution for a problem. -
Susan used a “you” message
when she responded to the request
to change the holiday menu. A
better way to respond to her moth
er’s words would have been,
“When you suggested that I not
bring the candied yams for the hol
idays, I was upset because I
thought you didn’t like my cook-
Uncut* Farming, Saturday, Novwnb* 26, 1994-B7
ing and I wasn’t sure what to
bring.”
Finally, allow the speaker to
have a little silence; don’t auto
matically jump in to fill the gap in
a conversation; allow the speaker
to collect her thoughts and feel
ings. Using the “I” message would
have allowed Susan’s mother to
say, “It’s not that I don’t like the
yams, but since your uncle has had
the heart problems I’m trying to
offer a low-fat meal. Maybe you
could bring the relish tray I’m so
fond 0f...” This conversation
would have ended on a positive
note, with Mom complimenting
Susan’s cooking. In turn, Susan
would never have ended up threat-
Sounds
HERSHEY (Dauphin Co.)
Sounds of Christmas will fill the
Hershey Museum on Sunday,
December 4, at 2 p.m. The Lititz
Moravian Trombone Choir will be
in concert, performing traditional
holiday music. A narration explain
ing the history of the Posqunen
chore, or trombone choir, will
accompany the performance.
These ensembles have roots
dating back to the Middle Ages,
when trombones were sounded
from towers to announce impor
tant community events, as well as
to warn of danger. As early as the
18th century, brass instruments
were used in German Lutheran
Churches. Moravians used trom
bone choirs as early as 1731.
ening not to attend the celebration.
November or early December
is a great time to add one more gift
to the pile—one that costs a little
time and effort, but no money—
the gift of better communication.
Listening and giving good feed
back will make things go
smoother, lessen stress, and make
sure that the holiday spirit reigns.
While it’s certain that this gift to
our family and friends can’t be
wrapped in shiny paper and won’t
be advertised on many TV com
mercials you’ll And that good
communication will be worth its
weight in gold throughout the sea
sons and in the years to come.
Of
Christmas
The trombone was favored
because of its tonal quality and its
ability to produce a chromatic
scale in the human range. The
original choirs consisted solely of
soprano, also, tenor, and base
trombones, but in the 1890’s, the
Moravians Anally admitted other
brass instruments.
Currently, the Lititz Trombone
Choir has about 40 members. The
choir plays for all festival days,
lovefeasts, communions, .- and
deaths, as well as weddings and
community concerts.
Christkindlmarkt will also be
open from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.
Admission to the concert is free
with Museum admission: adults
$4; children (ages 3-15), $1.75.
If