82-Lancaster Farming, Saturday, May 12,1990
Motherhood Doesn’t Always Come Naturally
JOYCE BUPP
York Co. Correspondent
EPHRATA (Lancaster Co.) —
Mothers. Not a single one of us
would be here without one of
them.
So, for the past several decades,
the second Sunday of May has
been set aside as a day to remem
ber and honor our mothers. It’s a
day on which nationwide phone
networks hum with calls, restaur
ants prepare for waiting lines of
customers, and mothers are
remembered with cards, candy,
flowers and hugs.
Motherhood for most women
comes as a matter of natural
course, a part of womanhood, love
and marriage. But, for some it’s
not that simple.
“You think you’re going to
grow up, get named, have chil
dren. Then you find out it doesn’t
necessarily work out like that.
And, instead, you have to work at
making it work out”
Those are the words of a Penn
sylvania farm woman. She says
them with a sort of catch in her
throat and longing in her voice.
Though insisting she remain
anonymous, she agreed to lay
open her deepest feelings, frustra
tions and the jumble of emotions
faced every day by a woman who,
through a quirk of fate, has faced
difficulty attaining what a majori
ty of women take for granted -
motherhood.
Married for a decade, A. (for
Anonymous) came from a large
farm family. Even before mar
riage, she knew that she wanted to
have several children. Since both
she and her farmer fiance were
older than many couples when
they decided to marry, they both
underwent fertility testing. And,
while those tests showed some
minor, but treatable, problems,
physicians found no real barriers
that were expected to prevent their
ability to have children.
After several years of marriage
and still childless, they sought
help for their inability to conceive.
What they found was the then still
fairly-experimental technology
known as in-vitro, or “test tube,”
fertilization. Success rate for in
vitro pregnancies in the
mid-1980s was fairly low, about
16 percent.
An in-vitro pregnancy, with
literally dozens of tests, surgery,
hospital visits daily for weeks at a
time, and endless injections,
multiplies by several times the
normal medical costs involved in
childbirth.
“I was working where insur
ance would cover most of the in
vitro costs, so we decided to try
it,” says A. Soon doctors told her
she would have twins.
The couple’s ecstatic anticipa
tion of two babies was short-lived;
she lost one of the twin embryos
within a few weeks. But the
remaining one was healthy, and
the couple became the parents of a
baby girl.
Delighted with the success of
in-vitro and their baby daughter,
they again began the lengthy in
vitro process. That attempt was
not successful -- nor were several
more. With insurance paid out
almost to the maximum allowable,
plus spending thousands of dollars
of their own. A. is trying to cope
with the possibility of mothering
no more natural children.
“Every time you go through in
vitro it’s like being on an emotion
al rollercoaster. It doesn’t seem
possible, with the technology
available today, that someone can
not get pregnant,” she sighs. “No
matter what age you are, I think
you must go through the same
emotions when you want children
so badly.”
What spurs her on to try almost
anything - “I got 66 needles at
one sitting during one in-vitro ses
sion” - is that she desperately
wants more children, and espe
cially feels a desire to give her
husband a son.
It’s a hope of great intensity,
with reasons that are buried deep
within her own feelings and the
rural tradition of farm families
passing land down from father to
son.
“I’m not under any pressure
from my husband; I just don’t feel
complete. I know that sounds self
ish because we have a beautiful
daughter that we love so much.
But my life just doesn’t feel com
plete and I’m not sure at what
point I’ll feel that it is.
“Sometimes I think I’m in con
trol and then something happens
to bring it all rushing back. At
some point I may feel ready to just
give it up, but I don’t know when
that may be.
“I’m sure farm families will
understand that I’d like a son. It’s
just one of my hopes for my hus
band,” she confides.
Well-intentioned, but unknow
ing, friends only added to the
emotional frustration with com
ments about starting a family or
having more children.
About five years ago, the cou
ple began looking into adoption
possibilities.
“First thing that happens is that
you are put on a waiting list
wherever you apply. And, if
you’re on some sort of fertility
program, you’re told to call the
agency if you become pregnant.
“We were on the waiting list for
three years. After I got pregnant,
we had to reapply and start all
over on the waiting list.”
Another agency “guaranteed” a
baby in a year if they were
“approved.”
“What they didn’t tell us right
away was that we would have to
go on a list to become ‘approved,’
and just getting on the list would
cost $2,000. It took a whole year
to even get them to send an appli
cation; they kept saying they were
re-doing their applications. And a
total cost to adopt a baby through
that program was between
$22,000 and $30,000.”
According to A., normal adop
tion procedures require the adopt
ing parents to pay all legal and
medical costs involved, but which
may be much less with one agency
than with another.
“I keep thinking if I put all sorts
of ‘feelers’ out, then something
will happen,” says a hopeful A.
That means having tried newspap
er ads, letters to doctors, even
looking into the possibility of a
surrogate-mother arrangement.
“I’ve even considered calling ads
run by other people, just to see if
they ever got any results.” Adop
tion possibilities of both older and
foreign children have also been
considered.
Dr. Vincent Berger, phsycholo
gist for Adoption Services in
Camp Hill, said their waiting list
for adoptions is three to four
years. He adds that some agencies
have waiting lists as high as 10 to
12 years.
Adoption Services places most
ly Caucasion, and occasionally bi
racial, babies. Birthmother ser
vices are provided, and they are
given extensive counseling to
make certain that they wish to pro
ceed with adoption.
Pennsylvania law allows both
agency and private adoptions, Dr.
Berger explains. Agency adop
tions are through non-profit orga
nizations, such as the one he rep
resents, while private adoptions
are “everything else.” That
includes adoptions arranged
through attorneys, physicians, or
just “someone who knew some
one, who knew someone.”
He adds that most agencies pro
vide a foster-parenting period for
adoptive babies, from two to six
months after birth, in which time
the birthmother can terminate the
procedure. Others like Adoption
Services use “legal risk adop
tions,” in which the newborn is
placed directly with the potential
adopting family, offering a bond
ing period. The legal risk to the
adoptive parents, however, is that
the birthmother does have a period
of time in which to terminate the
adoption.
For some, this baby's smile brings pain to their hearts—because they do not have a
baby to call their own.
Cost, according to Dr. Berger,
may vary greatly depending on the
adoption route taken, ranging any
wherefrom $2,000 to $15,000. He
knew of none in the immediate
area who charged up-front fees.
Another adoption agency listed
in area phone books. Adoption
With Love, replied when con
tacted that they preferred not to
talk with newspapers. A spokes
woman gave New England as
their location.
Recently, A. and her husband
For some, motherhood doesn't come naturally.
have begun giving serious consid
eration to applying for the foster
parent program. Would-be foster
parents are screened on require
ments similar to those for adop
“Every time you go
through in-vitro it’s
like being on an emo
tional rollercoaster. It
doesn*t seem possible,
with the technology
available today, that
someone cannot get
pregnant,” she sighs.
“No matter, what age
you are, I think you
must go through the
same emotions when
you want children so
badly.”
Taomettfiod
d/oies
tion personal interviews, train
ing classes, assessments of hous
ing facilities, meeting Are codes
and space requirements, back
ground checks for child abuse and
police clearance.
To fill their desire for lots of
children, A. baby-sits several
youngsters and includes young
friends and relatives in their daily
and special activities.
“Sometimes just looking at our
child, or at families doing things
together, brings the emotions all
rushing back. Sometimes I can
talk about it, but other days it’s
really difficult. I’ve heard that as
many as one-third of marriages
have problems with being child
less; who knows why it has-to be
that way.
“I just want other people to.
think about the emotions of want
ing children and not being able to
have them.”