TAKING
by Rebecca Walt
Extension Home Economist
Time Out With Your Spouse
I hope last week’s holiday was a
pleasant reminder of the special
relationship you and your spouse
have. February 14th is an excuse
to express love and concern with a
touch of romance a forgotten
quality in many of our lives.
While you’re still in the mood, let
me encourage you to take time out
with your spouse on a regular bas
is. Don’t save it for that once-a
year splurge.
In busy families we seem to bal
ance our responsibilities by get
king “things” done. We pay the
Dills, do the laundry, pick the kids
up after practice, fix the combine.
TTien we devote those few spare
moments to having “quality” time
with the children. By then, the last
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hour of the day has ticked away,
and we’re exhausted. It’s easy in
mid-life to neglect your relation
ship with your spouse. Husbands
and wives too frequently take a
back seat to urgent issues the
dentist appointment, dirty socks, a
telephone sales call. Unfortunate
ly, this neglect takes its toll on
marriages. Researchers estimate
that for people bom between 1950
and 1960,33 to 40 percent of their
first marriages will end in divorce,
and when manriages suffer, busi
nesses suffer, children suffer,
communities suffer.
Why does this happen? Couples
spend concentrated amounts of
time together in the early stages of
a relationship, but after marriage
and particularly after children this
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changes. Those who knew their
partners intimately four, ten,
twenty-three years ago may no
longer recognize the person wilh
whom they share their home. Peo
ple, interests, concerns, and pres
sures all change over .time. With
those personal changes come
changes in relationships and pat
terns of communication.
In the middle of this change,
marriages can thrive when part
ners give each other time while id
lowing each other the freedom to
follow individual interests. Main
taining intimacy and fostering
mutual respect is a challenge.
In these days and months fol
lowing Valentine’s Day, try some
ideasto nurture your marriage and
your spouse.
While on break at work or while
for an appointment, make
a list of some of the things you
value in your relationship with
your husband or wife. Note per
sonal traits of your partner that are
special to you. What has your
partner done that you especially
like? What do you enjoy doing to
gether? Compile the list on an ex
tra deposit slip or even the back of
an envelope and save it. Then rind
a time in the next few days to
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share these ideas with jour
spouse. Plan a special time when
you won’t be interrupted. Take the
phone off the hook. Put the kids to
bed. Talk.
Another way to strengthen your
marriage is to pull out that old box
of pictures and memorabilia from
your “courting” days. Without
discussing your choice with your
partner, pick out three pictures or
items you’d most like to save.
When you’ve both made your de
cision, tell each other why the
ones chosen were particularly spe
cial. Then turn your focus to the
recent past. Think of one or two
ways your partner has helped you
do something you especially
wanted to do—one way that he or
she supported you. This could be
something you did just for the fun
of it, to leam something new, or to
meet the needs of others.
Combine your time together
with some healthy exercise. Take
a walk around your neighborhood
or along your property in the eve
ning.
Occasionally plan an evening
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alone. If you need to, hire a baby
sitter, but try to avoid spending
money on other things. The point
is not to lavish your husband or
wife with gifts but to have a mini
reunion of sorts. Use this time to
talk about both positive and nega
tive aspects of your lives together.
How do each of you feel about the
time you spend at your work, talk
ing together, with family, for sex
and affection, doing home tasks?
How do you feel about the time
your spouse spends working?
How would you rate the follow
ing; talking together, fun times to
gether, time with family, sex/af
fection? Outstanding? Satisfying?
Needs work?
Strong marriages don’t just
happen naturally. They require
both partners to work at an ever
changing relationship. As your
family changes and as the seasons
change, take time out with your
spouse. Keep the lines of com
munication open and build your
relationship on more than a Valen
tine’s Day ritual.
JOHN DEERE