Wjnenir Fuming, Srturfry, April 8,1980
Onbei
a farm
-And o
hazar
Joyce B
WARNING! TfflS COLUMN
MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO
YOUR HEALTH!
Before use of the enclosed
material, please read carefully the
following consumer information
about this product.
CONTENTS; Speculations and
opinions generated through possi
ble, but not guaranteed, exposure
to Alar-treated apples, Chilean
grapes, cholesterol, caffeine,
nitrates, nitrites, coliforms, leaded
gas, killer bees, fur coats, and
nuclear-sourced electrical power
originated from Three Mile
Island.
DIRECTIONS: One dosage, or
as needed. Do not exceed 24 dos
ages in 24 hours. May cause dis
gust, distrust, disbelief or general
malaise. If symptoms persist,
destroy contents and go fishin’.
Not for consumption of child
ren under age 12.
Material released for consump
tion prior to completion and con
clusions of recommended nation
wide environmental impact
hearings.
OK. Now that you’ve been read
this column’s somewhat loose
ib.b. am®ip
2388 Old Leacock Rd.. Gordonville, PA 17529
CUSTOM BUILT
COAL STOVES V /
HIGH PRESSURE WASHERS w
HIGH-TENSILE FENCING „
PEQUEA BATTERIES * K6VIQQI|
DISTRIBUTOR FOR BEARINGS J|t- DrvdClie
SPROCKETS, PULLEYS, BELTS ' J j
KENDALL & DRYDENE OILS & LUBRICANTS
msmto
Check With Us For Your Ceiling Fans - We
Offer A Complete Line - Wholesale & Retail
SOLO Mistblowers
Use less chemicals, cover more ground.
SOLO covers up to 10 times more effectively
than conventional sprayers. This not only
saves you money, but fine, low-pressure mist
effectively envelops each plant without
damaging tender, young foliage.
Designed for long life and optimum per
formance, SOLO Mlstblowers give you more
for less money. For a low Investment and low
upkeep, you get quality.
Prices Start At
$389.95
Cover ground
more efficiently.
Martin’s Repair Shop
28 E. Trout Run Rd. Ephrata, PA 17522
version of the Miranda rights for
consumers, please proceed at your
own risk.
RESEARCH STUDY 1: Exten
sive testings conducted at both
interior and exterior farm research
sites have conclusively proven
beyond a scientific shred of doubt
that tin poses a health hazard to
the nation’s supply of fingers.
DATA A; Study site - Agricul
ture power unit, i.e. farm tractor.
Study technique - Running finger
parallel to sharp-edge piece of tin
installed as protective device,
while disembarking from power
unit operator seat. Result - paint,
bloodletting, emergency mopping
of bloodspots on floors of adjacent
interior research site. Scientific
conclusion - Tin slices fingers.
DATA B: Study site - Food pre
paration laboratory, i.e. farm
kitchen. Study technique - Run
ning finger parallel to opened lid
of tin can containing sweet pota
toes, while trying to complete
inadequate opening of lid due to
dull can opener knife. Result -
pain, bloodletting, slight delay in
completing meal preparations.
Ph. 717-733-3015
Scientific conclusion - tin slices
fingers.
RECOMMENDATIONS on
completion of Study 1: Commer
cial use of tin should be immedi
ately banned due to potential dan
ger to nation’s blood supply and
proven hazard to fingers. Failure
to replace dull knives on electrical
can opener should be subject to
prosecution to the fullest extent of
the law.
RESEARCH STUDY 2: Preli
minary testing conducted at inter
ior farm research site indicates
direct relationship between abber
rant bovine behavior and human
hair loss.
DATA A: Study site - lactation
laboratory, i.e. dairy bam. Study
technique - Selected bovine (sci
entific name, Bonnie) with uncon
trollable inclinations toward
affectionate nibbling on hair of
human caretakers engaged in milk
removal at regular intervals.
Result - Altered texture and clean
liness of Jiair as well as removal of
undetermined amounts. No
methods found effective in limit
ing hair removal to gray sections.
Scientific conclusion - Erratic
bovine behavior causes hair losses
in as yet undetermined, but poten
tially threatening, amounts.
RECOMMENDATIONS on
preliminary completion of Study
2: A ban on hair-nibbling bovines
to curtail potential of an industry
wide outbreak of bald dairy farm
wives.
snln*
Outperforms
While the full impact of these
BCS tillen make a lot of hone feme. Or mule tenie.
They're available in nine baiic aizei that range from 5 to 16 honepower. Which means
there’s one for any size chore or person.
What's more, there's one for any job. You can convert a BCS tiller in minutes to a
lawnmower, sickle bar cutter, garden sprayer, or snow-thrower.
Plus they eat no hay, drink no water, aren't a bit stubborn and require a very small stable.
So why don't you put one in your stable? Visit your BCS dealer for a demonstration.
mm** '
two highly scientific research stu
dies have yet to be determined,
pending feather and more com
plete assemblage and assessment
of a complete complement of
related data, findings would sug
gest that all use of tin and mainte
nance of herds of dairy cows be
possibly discontinued pending
further investigation by all appro
priate and a few totally unrelated
* **
and irrelevant governmental
agendo.
Makes about as much sense as
most “scare” studies though,
doesn’t it? Based on die above
actual data, however, both tin and
hair-nibbling cows are definite
hazards to my health.
E’cuse me, while I go have an
apple and try to hide this balding
spot on my sore head.
GOOD FOOD
OUTLET STORES
See Our Original Line Of
Golden Barrel Products
Plus All Kinds Of Nuts.
Beans. Candies, Etc. At
Reduced Prices
Producers Of Syrups, Molasses,
CooklngOll & Shoofly Pie Mixes
(With or Without Syrup)
★ CORN SYRUP
★ PANCAKE SYRUP
★ PURE MAPLE SYRUP
★ SORGHUM SYRUP
★ TABLE SYRUP
★ COCONUT OIL
★ CORN OIL MOLASSES
★ COTTONSEED (ML ★HONEY
★ PEANUT OIL ★ PEANUT BUTTER
If your local store does not have it,
CALL OR WRITE FOR FREE
BROCHURE & PRICES
WE UPS DAILY
GOOD FOOD OUTLETS
- 2 Locations -
West Main St., Box 160 388 E. Main St.
Honey Brook, PA 19344 Leola, PA 17540
1-800-327-4406 1-800-633-2676
Mon. thru FH.: 7 A.M. • 5 P.M.
Over 50 Years Of Service
;,y "*
%
★ SOYBEAN OIL
★ BAKING
MOLASSES
★ BARBADOS
MOLASSES
★ BLACKSTRAP
«iwo-wminuciM
PM All HUMS.
kmlnnul hvjim lUmnlt
Ihi Weekend (itmlm r
* j A *