BY SUZANNE KEENE
LANCASTER Fathers play an
important role in their children’s
development - a role that is dif
ferent but just as important as a
mother’s role, psychologist Alan
Babcock told a small group of
parents at the Jewish Community
Center last week.
Babcock’s lecture was just one of
several events the Lancaster Area
Association for the Education of
Young Children sponsored during
the Week of the Young Child, April
1 through 7.
For many years mothers were
thought to be the most important
influence on young children,
Babock said. “Fathers were
thought pretty much to be the
breadwinners,” he explained.
However, when families started
breaking up after World War 11,
the father’s importance became
increasingly apparent, Babcock
noted. Boys without fathers started
having problems in school. “They
also seemed to lack self
confidence,” he said.
“Girls raised in homes without
fathers were not quite as
feminine,” he continued. The girls
also seemed to have a problem
taking risks.
“The father-daughter
relationship has a really profound
effect on a woman’s relationship
with all the other men in her life,”
Babcock continued. If a woman
gets the message that she is in
“Money Matters”
The pressure was on April 15th
was looming in the not too distant
future and the dining room table
was littered with facts and figures
few of which were on the 1040
form! However, we always seem
to get done figuring in time to get
to the post office just under the
wire with only a few dozen
headaches and grey hairs added.
I’ll be the first to admit that
money management is a skill and
not an inate ability. To a great
extent, the level of those skills
depends upon the attitudes, ideas
and habits regarding money that
we acquire while growing up!
However, income tail
procrastination cannot be traced
back to either set of parents so I’m
not sure where that came from.
We do know for fact that those
who learn to make choices and
follow a spending plan when they
are young are better able to make
sound financial decisions later. By
receiving early training in money
management, children have a
head start in a task that becomes
more complicated as the years go
on. They will have to make
decisions about credit, insurance,
and, of course, income taxes!
I do remember several lessons
from “back home” on money
management skills. Farm chores
were completed for an allowance,
piano lessons were to be saved for,
4-H animals to be wisely chosen
and acquired and savings accounts
to be built for college years ahead.
Every family situation is unique
and has individual approaches.
Fathers are important to children's development
dependent and can make it in this
world, she will most likely become
successful and independent. But if
her father tells her she is helpless,
that is what she will become, he
explained.
“The father becomes a pivotal
position in the family situation,”
he said. “It becomes a really
tricky business.”
A mother’s love tends to be
unconditional, “but it’s in
complete,” Babcock said.
“Children can’t make it just with
that love.”
They also need a father’s love,
which usually must be earned.
Fathers represent society in the
home and are the standard
bearers, Babcock said.
“What we say to them is awfully
important,” he explained. Often a
child gets the message that he is
loved only when he is successful.
The father teaches the child
whether the product or the process
is most important. But it is im
portant to separate love from what
the child does. You must tell him,
'I love you no matter what’,”
Babcock said.
Children must learn that the
process is important. Even when
they paint a terrible picture it is
important to praise them for the
effort, while encouraging them to
do better, Babcock said.
“We have to reward that
process,” he stressed.
The father of two sons aged two
By Michelle S. Rodgers
Lancaster Extension
Home Economist
I’m thankful for my early ex-
periences and for the 4-H animal
that was later sold to help pay for
college.
There are no hard and fast rules
for teaching young people the
basics of money management.
Child rearing as a whole is a highly
personal matter requiring in
dividual decisions. However,
certain guidelines can help to
create an atmosphere for learning.
Set limits and make rules. Young
people feel secure in limits that are
set and followed consistently. Try
suggestions rather than directives.
Experience is a great teacher. I
learned early that farming is
sometimes risky business when a
4-H heifer I had purchased died
unexpectedly.
Be honest about your own
finances. If you don’t want your
children to buy something, tell
them so, rather than using the
excuse that you can’t afford it. On
the other hand, when you actually
cannot afford something, say so
and don’t feel guilty.
Don’t expect your children to do
as you say; they will more likely do
as you do. Children leam a lot
about your values by watching
your money management.
Even as adults we continue to
grow and develop in money
management skills. Who knows,
maybe next year I’ll have my tax
forms ready on February 15th.
For more information on family
life education materials contact
the Penn State Extension Service,
an affirmative action, equal op
portunity educational institution.
and six, Babcock said he often sees
his role as that of an experience
giver. He said he likes to take his
kids camping or to the park to give
them an experience they can enjoy
together.
“I’m really bummed out when I
take them someplace nice and they
don’t like it,” he confessed.
Through playing with their
children, fathers teach them social
skills - like how to deal with losing,
Babcock said.
One father who attended the
lecture said he sees his role as a
backup to fill in when mom isn’t
around.
Babcock, who cares for his kids
on his own two nights a week, said
he has been doing more and more
of the child care.
“I don’t think there’s anything
harder to do than giving both my
kids a bath on a night when my
wife’s not there,” he said.
Taking over more of the child
care responsibilties, Babcock said,
has changed his ideas about
television. He now enjoys having
the kids glued to the tube for a few
hours on Saturday morning, giving
him a little time to himself.
In a discussion on the man’s role
in the household, the fathers
agreed that their wives are still
handling the majority of the
housework, even when their wives
are working. However, the men
said they have been helping out
some, but expect to be com
plemented when they do little
chores.
Work demands often keep him
from being the father he would like
to be, Babcock said. “I find there
are a lot of things that interfere
with my being the father I want to
be,” he said. “I think what hap
pens is the kids get shortchanged.”
To change this, fathers must
decide what they want to do and
take control instead of just letting
things happen, Babcock said. A
person must decide how often he
wants to be out and then say no to
some things, even if they are
things he wants to do.
“The nitty gritty thing you have
to do is set up a good relationship
with your child,” Babcock said.
Making this time commitment to
children is important - even in the
early days of infancy. “A lot of
people play down those early
years, Babcock said. “Those are
the most important years.”
What to do
“Did you steal that?” asked the
mother.
“No, I didn’t,” replied the child,
In reality, the child had stolen
the candy. Now to the guilt of
stealing, he has added the guilt of
lying about it.
Parents don’t like to admit or
even think that their school-age
children have lied or stolen. Call it
“human nature” or call it
“growing up” but be aware that
lying and stealing are much more
common among young children
than parents want to believe.
Given 'lat these behaviors are
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Psychologist Alan Babcock conducts a discussion on the
father’s role in the family. Babcock gave a lecture at the
Jewish Community Center in Lancaster as part of a series of
program honoring the Week of the Young Child.
Children develop trust in the first
year when they are learning,“how
does the world deal with me?”
Babcock said. It’s a safe world if
the child gets fed when hungry,
warmed when cold and dried when
wet.
“If we miss that stage we’ve
missed something in that
relationship,” Babcock said.
When it comes to disciplining a
child, education is the key, Bab
cock said. “It’s really important to
look at discipline as teaching. As
dads we want to spend our time
teaching kids how to function in
this world.”
Men often try to make a lesson
out of every experience, but it is
important for them to realize that
when e child lie
likely to occur, what can a parent
do when confronted with the fact
that a child has told a “white lie”
(“1 didm’t do it”) or left a store
with something not paid for?
It’s best to avoid the extremes of
irrational overconcem (“My child
is a budding criminal”) or apathy
(“So what?”), according to
Growing Up, a child-development
newsletter. Treat the occasion,
instead, as a valuable opportunity
to teach a lesson about moral
behavior.
For example, let’s say you’ve
almost reached home after an
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children go through different
stages of development, Babcock
said. In the early stages of
development a child can learn
what no means, but still not be able
to translate that into behavior.
“Kid’s know intellectually what
no means but can’t interpret into
action,” Babcock explained.
At this stage of development,
redirection is a good method of
discipline, Babcock said. When you
use redirection, you are showing a
child an option to his current
behavior. He deals in concrete
thinking and doesn’t leam a lesson
in one try, Babcock explained.
While he may repeat an unac
ceptable behavior more than once,
(Turn to Page B 17)
$ or stools
exhausting afternoon of shopping.
You notice that your child has a
bar of candy that you didn’t pay
for, and you know he didn’t have
any money to pay for it, either.
Instead of accusing him (“You
stole that!”) give him a chance to
confess (“Where did you get that
candy bar?”). Avoid asking a yes
or no question that invites your
child to tell a he.
Then, even though it may be a
nuisance to turn the car around
and go back to the store, do so. The
effort will teach the child an im
portant lesson.
A child learns nothing about
honesty from a parent who is too
apathetic or embarrassed to go
back to the store. He learns an
entirely different lesson from a
parent who takes him right back to
the cashier or manager to return
the ill-gotten goods and tell them
the truth about what he did.
If the child doesn’t have to go
back to the store, he learns that,
apart from a brief scolding, the
consequences of lying and stealing
are not very great.
The child who has to return the
stolen object and tell the truth
learns about personel respon
sibility, discovers an inner sense of
satisfaction that comes from being
honest, and leaves the store with
the good feeling of having done the
right thing.