on excellent authority,—none less than our
butter-man—that the term is derived from our
Pennsylvania German “reck" or “ rock" signi
fying a smell. “It do schmclllike a very dings,”
was his comment.
“How can it smell when it has no nose?” I
inquired.
“It Bchmells through yourn,” was the reply.
As I have said before—the Dutch are rather
THE GEOLOGY OF I’ETItOLEUM.
Recent discoveries have fully demonstrated
that this world is neither a bubble, an egg, a
shell, a fire-ball, nor a turtle, as the ancients
asserted, but simply an enormous glol ular bot
tle filled with oil. The fact that oil springs
exist in different parts of the world fully
proves this. The light of the stars and plan
ets evidently proceeds from the conflagration
in many places on their surface of such
springs—a wise provision by which nature
compensates for that distance from the sun
which is caused by their remoteness from his in
fluence.
Nothing is more revolting to the mind of a
disinterested seeker after truth, —like myself,
—than to witness selfish considerations obtrud
ing themselves under the cloak of scientific
disquisitions. I may, however, be permitted
to state, as a curious little fact of most undeni
able authenticity, that the Oil Company of
which I have the honor to be President is the
only one whose well may be described as be
ing the true opening or neck of the great World-
Oil-Bottle, —those of all other companies being
mere pores, as it were, or illegitimate leaks,
and liable to fail at any time, prejudicial to
the structure of the earth—leaks which an en
lightened system of legislation should at once
close, and forbid humanity to purchase its oil
of any other company than ours, —“ The
Grand Cosmopoleum”—a few shares of which
may still be had at par by application to me
only.
MEDICINAL VIRTUES OF PETROLEUM,
This exquisite oil, which may truly be de
scribed as Heaven’s last best gift to man, will,
ere long, be generally recognized as the true
Elixir Vitus, or Hygenial Quintescence of Sa
lubrity. Recent experiments have fully de
monstrated, that it not only cures instanta
neously eight hundred and thirty-nine of the
worst and commonest disorders incident to
humanity, but is also good for rheumatism—
the aboriginal purpose to which it was first
applied by the Seneca Indians—so called for
their great wisdom, after the Greek Seneca,
the father of their tribe—a wisdom never so
manifest as when applied to selling the article
as a remedy at one dollar and fifty cents per gal
lon, which they were accustomed to do, some
thirty years ago. And yet we call these peo
ple savages !
Used as a flavor for pudding sauce, the
pure petroleum is said to sharpen the eye teeth
Ottb Daily IF'-aisie.
to an unprecedented degree of keenness. Sev
eral interesting instances of extraordinary
dental acuteness, developed under its influ
ence, were lately pointed out to me—all of
them of persons able to get up any amount of
bites at the shortest notice; men using it have
very frequently set the river a-firo.
From an interesting experiment on a lame
duck—so lame that the unfortunate animal
could hardly waddle along on the curbstone of
Dock street, the following results were noted :
After having been operated upon for a rise,
the duck at the first dose ascended with great
rapidity to the very top of a high ladder,
where it quacked aloud three times, “ How's
Eddy?"
“ He’s coming to, I believe,” was the answer
of the doctor.
“ Two and a half, and a half, and a half,”
cried the duck. On receiving a second dose,
it was rapidly transmuted into an enormous
spread eagle, and winged its way to Wall street,
where it was lost sight of.
I should, however, caution the public, that
the only oil capable of producing such results
is that drawn from the Grand Cosmopoleum;
that of all other corporations being mere im
postures and mountebanks, or, as the French
term them, Charlotte Anns. And as a man is
known by his company, I would hereby cau
tion all respectable citizens against, having
anything to do with any such fancy characters.
THE POETRY OF PETROLEUM.
Not having much of a turn for poetry myself,
I had not expected to say much on this head
of my subject. A friend, however, who has
been in the East, (not New England, but the
Bible country,) informs me that the natives of
those regions possess epics on the subject,
written by the original Epicurus himself, cele
brating its sanitary qualities. The following
translation of a Gum Arabic ballad, which
appeared originally in the Mocha Coffee
Gazette, seems to me to be not without merit:
PETROLEA.
(From tbe Arabic.)
Strew, strew all your heads with ashes!
Hold your noses firmly and long!
I sing by the lightning’s pale flashes
A wild and bituminous song.
Tlio wind of the desert is sweeping
Like fire by the dead Dead Sea:
There a Dervish appointment is keeping
With a maiden from Galilee.
Not a breath of a breeze is blowing,
No waves on the waters fall,
Though n strong smell of Naptha is flowing—
They said: “We don’t mind it at all.”
Two dark brown lumps were lying
Like rocks on the Dead Sea shore,
And while tenderly loving and sighing,
They sat down there—to rise no more.
For tho rocks were of Naptha which would not
Allow them to stir e’en a stitch,
And seated in concert they could not
Rise up above Concert Pitch.
Then all the disaster comprising,
They wailed aloud: “Allah is great!
We stick and we stick—there’s no rising,
We stick—and forever must wait! ”
There they sat like a lost pot and kettle;
Their wails o’er the wilderness passed;
They petrified little by little,
And were turned to Asphaltum at last.
In love, or in turning a penny,
Always study the field of your luck
In petroleum and naptha full many
Ere now, have been terribly stuck .
I would remark, in conclusion, that this
ballad applies entirely to those unprincipled
companies who endeavor to foist upon tbe pub
lic a spurious article, liable to harden, and
utterly unfit for any use whatever meaning,
thereby, all companies except the Grand Cos
mopoleum, which I have the honor to repre
sent.
A few of the remaining merits of petroleum
may be briefly summed up as follows. That
from our well is uurivalled, as imparting a de
licious perfume to the pocket handkerchief,
and may be applied, with only grateful results,
to the brow of beauty. It banishes rats and
roaches, being sure death to them, and forms
an admirable tooth wash. I have used it in
my own family as a perfect substitute for cof
fee, shoe-blacking, molasses, whisky, cham
pagne, sweet oil, and ink. It is a perfectly
insoluble cement, and may be used for the
same purpose as any of the stronger acids. It
is for all purposes better than soda, and, com
bined with itself as an oil, forms the best soap
in existence. Experiments, the results of
which will shortly be published, have in fact
demonstrated that, for all earthly purposes, it
is superior to everything, and must shortly take
everything’s place.
I would, however, caution the public that
these results are only to be obtained from the
oil furnished by the Grand Cosmopoleum Com
pany. Oily Gammon,
OEMS FROM OUR PRIVATE POST OFFICE.
[lot the second.]
Delaware Department, June 8.
Dear Fanny : Please answer me two ques
tions: What have you taken in all, to-day?
and who has been your best aid ?
Yours faithfully,
Answer.
Perfumery Table, June 8
Dear Marietta : A Lemon-ade
[lot the third.]
Union Avenue, June 8.
Dear Jennie : Who is that handsome young
knight errant who brings so many bundles to
your table ? Ever your Adele.
Answer.
Dear Ad die : Our errant boy.
In haste,
(Late of London.)
Marietta
Jennie.