The Fourth Wall
page 5
Humor:
By Gregory Reed
Features Editor
The days draw closer and closer
to the fall of the Maiello
Dictatorship that has ruled over the
Joeraq (formerly a campus of Penn
State University). As the Coalition
of Ordered Citizens(CoC) continue
their invasion of Joeraq a final push
onto Joe’s Palace will signify the
defeat of the Maiello forces.
“The Citizens of Joeraq
will not falter in their defense of
their homeland,” Joe Maiello is not
quoted as saying, “We cannot lose
to these crusaders.”
However, after shortsightedness
and poor management, Joe’s
forces have been pushed back
from their control of Mont Alto, into
Conklin Palace, the dicatator’s
home, where heavy resistance is
expected from loyalist troops still
under Joe’s command.
Problems on both sides
during the war have resulted in the
two-year struggle between the
dictatorship and coalition forces.
At first, the disorganized
forces of the Mont Alto Borough
were quickly overrun by Joe’s
Axeteams and commuter provided
weaponry. The unchecked
rampage caught many bordering
borough’s offguard.
“We didn’t think that the
doings[sic] up at Mont Alto had
nothing to do with us,” Daniel
Bergman , Commander of CoC,
said, “After those negotiations fell
through about them students
dumping toxic urine and broken
glass, most of us in Penn National
thought it would be over. We
should’ve known better.”
The fall of Mont Alto
quickly ushered in a organization
of Waynesboro, Quincy, Pond
Bank, and Penn National. The
Coalition of Ordered Citizens was
formed. The unified forces first
struggled with their own apathy
towards actual combat.
“The decision to fight
Maiello’s strong-arm tactic was an
easy one,” Cynthia Henreid,
Ambassador to Mont Alto, “But,
how to fight was the question.”
The CoC finally, three
months after its formation, to
invade Joeraq. The CoC heavily
outnumbered and out armed
Maiello’s forces, but their
advantages did not play well.
“We were cocky,” Daniel
Bergman said, “We felt that we had
this victory within a two-month
span and that played right into Joe’s
hands. “ Coalition forces had
begun to squabble over the
division of captured Mont Alto
land. :
Ryan Wetzel, former
commander of CoC forces in
Joeraq, was lobbied by members of
the Coalition and pandered to their
often outrageous demands. He
could not be reached for interview.
Until Commander
Bergman stepped in, Joeraqi troops
had been able to fend off coalition
advances. The Battle of Town Hall
(March 15%, 2006) saw the deaths
of thirteen coalition troops, while
an estimated zero Joeraqis were
killed. This shameful defeat
demanded Wetzel’s resignation,
and allowed for the more capable
“We needed to
understand how our enemy
fought,” Bergman states, “Joe’s
troops were armed with the same
hunting rifles and bows that we
had, we had more, but they were
dug in tight.” A pincer move,
cutting of Route 997 and Mont
Alto Road from Joeraq, had
crushed any commuter support
Joe once had. With the supply
lines cut, Coalition forces
eventually won through attrition.
“It was naive of Joe to
think that he could keep the war
up for long,” Professor Russo is
not quoted as saying. Many of
the professors of the former Penn
State University campus are not
surprised at the Joe’s defeat. Most
professors were exiled or retreated
from Mont Alto upon Joe’s coup
de’tat. Any educated members of
Mont Alto still remaining were
executed by Joe’s loyalist party
(formerly known as the Young
Republicans).
The mismanagement of
Coalition forces pales in
comparison to the failures of the
Joeraqis. Joeraq had relied too
heavily -on the support of
commuter supplies, without the
constant ammunition
replenishment, and food drops,
Joeraq found itself cut-off from the
world. Many of the students
formerly of Mont Alto Campus’s
population retreated or were
evacuated by humanitarian
organizations. The biggest pitfall
in the Maiello Dictatorship was the
reliance of a second front.
Joeraq, during the
beginning of 2008, had ordered the
conscripting of the commuter
population to revert from their
supply roles, which had been
unfulfilled by June of 2007, to
combative roles.
“I was a student, not a
soldier. When Joe asked us to help
make Mont Alto better in the name
of Penn State, I did. When Joe
asked us to supply Mont Alto with
bullets and rifles in the name of
Penn State, I did,” Humphrey
Dinglewot, a former commuter, “But
when Joe asked us to kill in the name
of Maiello, I did not.”
This final act of undoing
caused the rest of the Joeraq
population of Mont Alto Hall and
General Joe Studies Building to
falter in their defense and to
unconditionally surrender to the
CoC.
“Maiello’s safety in
Conklin won’t last very long,”
Commander Bergman states, “the
coalition is of the willing. This
coalition is ready to employ some
shock and awe.”
Question I'm a sophomore
and organic chemistry is
killing me (along with the
rest of my course load)! I find
myself staying up to study
until it’s almost morning, and
I've been averaging less than
5 hours of sleep on
weeknights all semester. I try
fo catch up on sleep on the
weekends, but that's also
when I need to catch up on
my school work and see my
friends. I think I might be
developing a sleeping
disorder and throwing off my
circadian rhythm. Do you
think this is true? And what
are the consequences? How
long can I keep this up?
It is a difficult task balancing
a seemingly eternal work load while
trying to still maintain some sort of
a social life. Sometimes it might
seem like Sisyphus didn’t even
have it as bad. Some things are
going to have to be sacrificed, and
good time management is one of
the tricks that need to be learned
as an undergraduate. It’s important
to maintain some sort of balance
so you don’t lose your mind, but
out of the sacrifices that inevitably
have to be made, sleep should not
be one of them! Sleep deprivation
is associated with a variety of
consequences, including:
e Throwing off your
circadian rhythm! Your
body will want to sleep
during the daytime when
you would much prefer to
be alert and active.
Needless to say, this
won’t help you study.
e Significant cognitive
defects, impairing your
short-term memory, which
you will need in order to
perform well on your
exams.
PENNSTATE
e Irritability, low energy,
decreased libido, and
poor judgment. This
might make your friends
not want to be around
you anyway.
e Impaired immune
function. A study done at
the University of
Chicago showed that
complete sleep
deprivation of rats
caused their death within
weeks! This was because
their immune systems
could not fight off
infection.
Overall, it is a much better
idea to get some rest as
opposed to pulling all-nighters
studying things your short
term memory isn’t going to
recall much of anyway. Find
other ways to balance your
work load and your social life
such as not taking as many
classes next semester or
staying in on the occasional
Friday night. Listen to your
body and respond to its needs;
the workload is a constant
thing in college, so it’s ok to
take a break once in a while.
Sooner or later, probably
sooner then you think, your
body is going to want to get
some rest.