January 27, 1950,
BILL
James Geffert
"Plain or whole wheat ?" the wait
er called with his sweated brow glit
tering in the gas light. "No bread!"
(the answer hit the four walls and
then bounced suddenly up to' the
waiter). "No bread how can you
eat a salami sandwich without
bread? ?" the waiter mumbled to
himself "These college boys are
a skimping lot but then there is
a how about it."
Few lashes were arched over this
seemingly revolutionary development
for most of the patrons themselves
were going through the same grow
ing pains money and college (or
putting the cart before the horse)
college and money.
The gas lamp which was hanging
from the ceiling in the center of the
chow-house left a few of the corners
with only scanty lighting, and in one
of these corners our hero, Bill, was
enjoying his shrimp with three de
lightfully attractive females.
Bill—not "just plain Bill" but the
Bill who could pay his bills was
simply a "John D" with a freshman
dink. I thought the local dry-goods
clerk had short changed her Self when
she charged him "only" $18.50 for a
sleeveless Cashmere sweater; He po
lished his Florshiems with a five spot;
He threw his Argyles away after a
days_war; an•d he wrecked three Cadi
lliacs and an Oldsmobile in one sem
ester. Most of the college •citizens
claimed he put his hair up in" curlers
or when they saw him they usually
bellowed out with,"borrow my eye
brow pencil ??" In plain words,
everyone was red with jealousy of
Bill, and at times Bill would answer
an archaic question for the public.
"Is money everything ?" they would
ask—and Bill would answer with a
smile, "Yes, money is everything!"
That fellow we spoke of before, the
guy who ordered sandwiches without
bread, overheard Bill telling his com
pact-bearing friends that money is
the one and only. As quick as one
•could say bar rag Bill had one
wrapped around his face. The battle
which followed was as realistic as a
Hollywood directod is , capable of pro
ducing. This breadless student (let's
call him Joe (X) had either cracked
his mellon or had indigestion from
munching the Buffalo on his nickles.
In view of the fact that a big stink
would be raised over the barroom
scene, a few Tappa Keg boys in the
audienCe decided to hold a secret tri
bunal in the TK house that evening,
complete with judge, attorney, and
impartial jury.
Joe (X) took the stand in his own
defense. The important phases of his
two hour oratory follow: "Money
isn't everything! If people don't soon
step talking about these worthless
scraps of paper and metal, we will
all attend the funeral services of Mr.
Universe. Money depreciates with
talk, but the mony mad continue to
pitch their camps in the beds of col
lateral. There is something far great
er than money—money can't bargain
to possess this 'something' of which I
speak, nature. Nature and love, how
placid, how heavenly, and money has
no place here where we so called Ro
mantics seek happiness. 'Those men
HAZLETON COLLEGIAN
Find t
College Council President Frank
DeFluri, has written an explanation
for the missing student lounge fur
niture. We present it here—
On December 16, 1949, the stu
dents here at the center noticed that
the lounge was minus much of the
new leather upholstered furniture.
There was much speculation as to
why and how the furniture was re
moved. Here are the reasons:
On December 15 it was noticed by
the school administration that one of
the two-seated couches had a leg
broken off. Both of the' two-seated
couches were torn in the back. In the
snack bar two of the booths were
completely wrecked, the tables were
torn from the wall and posts. As you
have probably noticed, the paper
drapes on the snack bar windows had
to be taken down because of the
abuses given them. Also, we had an
exceptionally fine piano in the
lounge.
•
Do you know what happened to it?
It was removed because the students
ignored the •plea, "Please do not put
books on the piano top!" In order to
protect this piano top from further
scratches, a hasty removal was in or
der.
The administration believes it is a
matter for the Student Council to in
vestigate and attempt to do some
thing about. The college will not re
place broken furniture, nor will it
who poison youthful minds with dol
lar signs sin against mankind—for
they knowingly or unknowingly are
building the future of the world upon
a paper foundation. Thank you!"
The defense rested with a few shots
of brandy, and the TK brother who
was acting prosecuting attorney step
ped into the verbal ring (after Billy
had neatly passed ten bills into his
hand).
A summary of the prosecutor's
speech follows: "The defense is, and
I say% this with a tearful eye, on the
verge of a nervous collapse I am sure.
I can see Joe (X) taking his girl to
a movie on 'two parts nature and one
part love' (if 'Nature Boy' was play
ing it might be possible). I can see
Joseph now—he goes to work Tarzan
style, leaving his tree hut and cling
ing-vine by swinging-vine. I can see
him at the Woad Choppers Ball with
his G-string Tux. We might ask the
question: "What is 'everything?' I'd
Furniture
pay for repairs. If the damaged fur
niture is to be repaired, the money
must come out of the social activity
fund paid' by all students. Therefore
it is you who must pay for the re
quired repairs.
Since the matter is now in the
hands of the Student Council, we ask
all of you students not to abuse your
own fixtures. If this misuse of the
furniture continues, the janitorial
force will remove it, entirely by ad
ministrative decree. Consequently, if
the actions of the students continue
as they have in the past, the lounge
will be completely denuded of fur
niture, and the snack bar will be just
a barren room.
One more point—On the night of
the winter party someone carelessly
put a deck of cards in the bowl of one
of the floor lamps. Result—the cards
began to burn, and save for the alert
ness of one of the janitors a disas
trous fire might have occurred.
In view of these things, the Stu
dent Council asks everyone to co-op
erate in the •care and use of those
things we have to use which do not
belong to us.
"It ain't the things you don't know
what gets you into trouble; it's the
things you know for sure what ain't
so."—Old negro saying.
say 'everything' includes just about
everything, and I can't name any
thing one can get without money.
Did I hear someone say love is free
(besides being Mind) ? ? Try to fall
in love with a Deb, and see how long
you can keep her with an empty wal
let! Thank you!"
Well, the jury didn't stay out long,
in fact they handed the judge the
decision in three seconds flat. The
judge sentenced Joe (X) to three
semesters confinement in the Tappa
Keg basement on charges of "not
complying with the trend of modern
society." Bill, on the other hand, pas
sed a few bills and went on his
merry way leaving a blazing trail be
hind him. His theory had won out,
and his popularity had increased im
mensly (he even cut his prices ten
percent).
We might call Bill and Joe (X) the
"Gold Dust Twins" . . . Bill had the
Gold ... Joe had the dust.
BENNY
Jeanne McGrory
the other day an enormous
, cochroach staggered up
to me my name is
archy he said ive been
waiting to meet you
you thief you ,plagarist listen
you frustrated
alcoholic i said do you
think that i with my
lofty themes would steal
the work of a fugitive
from the eighteenth
ammen•dment i am
writing for the
intelligentsia the future
leaders of the world
how naive can a person
be he interrupted he
then proceeded to read
some of my work forgive me
he said when he finished
it was silly of me
to worry that your work could
be mistaken for mine
literary values havent
deteriorated that much and
with that he bowed tipped
his derby and tottered out
The 6-Legged 'Misanthrope
archy just came running in
here he was suffering
from extreme shock
what happened
i asked its the end
a catastrophe those humans
have gone too far
this time he screamed
ive put up with a
lot from those bungling
fools but this
is the limit
what happend i
pleaded please tell me well
i went down to
the wine cellar of this
nightmare alley of a college
i innocently expected
to get a little
nightcap what did i
find question mark
a library and not even
a decent library but one
without books how
ridiculous can this so-called
higher animal get he
takes a good thing
like a wine cellar and
trys to turn it
into a library wont man ever
learn he once tried
to use a roman bath as
a railroad station
what a sore sight
that is calm yourself
i said but he was
off again once i formed an
organization called
the worm turnverein
he said i told my followers
to arise why should we be
tramped on and ignored
by that two-legged race of
dreamers action is what
we want but before
we could convince the
conservatives of the group
the eighteenth amendment was
repealed and at least
something was being done in
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Page Three
benny