Nember 13, 1949
DRINKING
"Drunkenness is temporary suicide."
RUSSEL
(And the morning after is murder.)
"Water is the only drink for a wise
man."
(Only more so)
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"A man's palate can, in time, become
accustomed to, anything."
NAPOLEON
(Artists even mix paint on them.)
"Re is a drunkard who takes more
than three glasses, though he be not
drunk."
EPICTETUS
(He is a mouse who takes a mickey,
though he is not Disney.)
"Bacchus has drowned more men
than Neptune."
GARABALDI
(How big were those glasses ?)
"Drinking is voluntary madness."
SENECA
(At least it's voluntary.)
Christmas Gifts
(A LITTLE EARLY)
To Miss Campbell a set of snow
treads.
To Mr. Kostos a motor scooter.
To Mr. Steele a pyramid.
To Miss Garbrick a long-playing
Mel Torme record.
To Mr. Rudman Fifteen victories.
To Mr. Zerbe -- a half-pound tin.
To Mr. Muller -- a hairnet.
To Mr. Krecker a stop watch.
To Miss Leichty -- an elevator to her
third-floor office.
To Miss Wood -- a car for her very
To Mrs. Harrison library shelves.
To Mr. Carr a Coolie to pull his
rickshaw.
To Mr. Carpenter ---
and a beret.
To Mr. Ward his doctor's degree.
To Miss Goyne the ideal American
boy.
To Mr. Goss a new top for his con-
vertible.
To Mr. Pavone a cook book.
To Mr. Mattern a king-size money
belt.
To Mrs. Muller more classes.
To Miss Neifert--a Happy'New Year.
To Miss Thomas—a reserved table at
Genetti's.
To Miss Bonn—love and kisses.
To The Sergeants—peanut clusters.
To Miss Steinmeyer -- a pair of
"Levis."
To Miss Erlemann --- a dogsled to
climb the hill.
To Mrs. Hazelton an escalator.
To Vivian an electric typewriter.
To Ester The Chatterbox.
To Betty a shorthand tablet.
To Charlie -- a new tire (for the
wheel).
To Ruthie anything her little heart
desires.
To Sylvia a raise.
To Mrs. Koehler—a 'carload of garlic
To Mrs. Smith—a personality award
To George—two more hands.
To Mike—a new Ford truck.
To John—a ten-foot broom.
THOREAU
Who doesn't believe in ghosts?
Who would dare to say that Pytha
gores was crazy? A few days ago I
sat at the typewriter trying to write
an article for the Collegian. The only
products of my labors was the reali
zation that m•y talents must lie in
some other direction. Upon arrival at
the Collegian office the next .day I
found the following message on the
typewriter:
i have been waiting for
a chance to express myself
i watched you sweating it out
trying to write a column
oh you young college bards
who imagine yourselves
potential poet laureates
when will you realize
that some have it
and some dont i was
once a writer
par excellence but
i died and my soul
transmigrated
into the body of a
cricket just leave
a piece of paper in
the typewriter every night
and i will write for
your paper in that i
with my genius should .be
reduced to the level of
a ghost writer just because
some charlatan who was
nothing but a greek
arithmetic teacher
decided to write a book i
hope i meet pythagores
as an ant or beetle or
such then he will pay for
my sufferings speaking of
payment i wish you would
leave a few scraps of
food here crickets have to
eat to live too i refuse
to associate with the
insect society they are
my intellectual inferiors
just call me benny
be-bap glasses
That night I watched the room
from the hall. Sure enough he came.
It was the largest cricket that I have
ever seen and he starting jumping up
and down on the keys of the type
writer. Since he couldn't work the
shift, there were no •capitals or punc
tuation marks. No cricket ever
worked so hard or looked so ridicu
lous. After a few hours of backbreak
ing work, the poor fellow crawled
back to the faculty office which he
calls home.
so you call this
a college why its
HAZLETON COLLEGIAN
DILEMMA
I have been asked to compose a verse
About a condition that is getting worse.
It was also suggested that, if I can,
I should propose an alternate plan
To solve the troubles that we've got
Due to a misplaced parking lot.
The original scheme, no doubt, was good,
But the plan didn't pan as it really should.
"The powers that be" met with little success,
And the picture now is that of a mess.
My plan is easy, though it may cause a frown,
Either move the lot up, or move the school down.
ski.- ki.4,4.,..\\
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nothing but a
trade school
i heard a discussion
between two students the
other day one in
engineering the other
in liberal arts it
was sad to hear that
potential ditch digger
tear the arts to pieces
the colleges of
today arent what they
used to be in my
day men went to school
to broaden their minds to
become well rounded out
individuals oh what a
shallow age you live in
with your science and
engineering and mechanics
all they want to learn is
how to do something
do something exclamation point
and what good does
it do them sure they
may get a job and make
lots of money but just
ask them the names
of priams fifty sons or
the social significance of
the invention of the
under water pen and they
will just stare at you
blankly this morning at
breakfast i met a beetle
who had gotten one
of your modern educations
he was pitiful there was never
a more frusrated beetle
wouldst join me in a
discussion says i
he turned white at the
thought of discussing
the metaphysical problem
according to santayanna
what good was his science
and engineering could
his slide rule tell him
how many feet are in a
heroic couplet no he
was lost i am sorry
for you i said as i
tenderly picked him up
and as i ate him i
thought how sad life
is for arent we all
victims of our age
all that schooling and
he ended up in the
stomach of a cricket
which makes me wonder
is there really any
good in learning a
problem too big for
even me
TEMPERANCE
"The first draught serveth for health,
the second for pleasure, the third for
shame, and the fourth for madness."
ANACHARSIS
( . . And the fifth is empty.)
"Every moderate drinker could aban
don the intoxication •cup if he would;
every inebriate would if he could."
('Null said.)
"Drinking water neither makes a man
sick nor in debt nor his wife a wid
ow."
NEALE
(But it runs up the water bill!)
"It is best to rise from life as from
a banquet, neither thirsty nor
drunken."
ARISTOTLE
(Or with donuts undunken.)
"The smaller the drink the clearer
the head."
(Who wants to be transparent?)
"TO HAVE AND
HAVE NOT ..."
CAMPUS TRAFFIC RULES
AND REGULATIONS
Effective December 7, 1949
All student cars must be regis
tered with the Safety Committee.
Student cars must be parked in
the parking lot at the bottom of
the hill only. Any exceptions to
this rule will be reviewed by the
Safety Committee.
No student cars may be parked at
the top of the hill, in the main
road, or anywhere off the main
road. Student cars will be per
mitted at the top of the hill only
for the purpose of loading and
unloading passengers.
A fifteen mile speed limit must
be observed anywhere on the
campus.
A fine of $2.00 will be imposed
for the first violation of any of
the above rules. A fine of $5.00
for the second violation; and
upon the third violation, the stu
dent will be denied the 'privilege
of bringing his car on the campus.
SYD'S A GOOD SKATE .
The Physical Education classes
have been playing a new game lately
out on the athletic field. It has no of
ficial name but it might be called
"manual labor ball." These Phys Ed
students have been shoveling and
hauling dirt banks to enclose a skat
ing pond.
When it is finished it will be avail
able to all students, and skating will
be a regular feature of the Physical
Education classes.
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VACATION
DECEMBER 20
4:30 P. M.!!
benny
Page Three
GOUGH
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PENN