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The Perfect Woman
by Tug McErlain
You've had the dream. She walks into
our nocturnal fantasy, beaming and
gleaming like a super-nova. Every inch
of your body quivers at the sight of the
silhouette. She moves closer, you're
flying, your heart is slowly dying, but
death is no distraction. Your lips are like
two comets destined to collide but just
before they do, just as your whole soul
is exploding with anticipation, she's
gone.
You awake soaked with sweat and
pale as a ghost. Cursed to the eternal
mystery of the Perfect Woman. Well,
wonder no more. The TUGGER has
come through!
I'll start with the eyes, since they are
said to be the windows to the souL
Now, contrary to popular belief, deep
brown eyes will always conquer baby
blues on the face of perfection in my
opinion. After all, blue eyes are pretty to
look at but in no way do they contend
with the feeling of pleasure and passion
that is evoked when gazing into deep
brown beamers. There just is no com
parison.
Equally important, though, is the
subtle space between the eyelid and the
eyebrow. These few centimeters can
make or break a beauty. The rule is
usually that the bigger the space, the
better, but the contour and roundness is
just as important as size. The way in
which this space blends with the cheek
bone and the subtle shadows and light
spots are what count.
As for the rest of the face, a beautiful
smile is important with succulent lips
and a petite button nose is a must
Moving on to hair, brunette is the
pre-requisite, and it was summed up
very well by the famous Mike Braun
stein when he stated, "Blondes are nice
for a weeklong fling, and red heads one
night of passion, but brunettes are who
you give your heart to.” Lively curls and
shoulder length are also a requirement
Now for our perfect woman build. 5 ft
5 is the required height and 36-24-34 is
Penn State Hazleton
the combination to perfection. A slightly
darkened complexion is the key but
bright tan lines in the buff can be
shock-evoking. Her nails don’t matter
but her hands should be soft and small
so to give us that feeling of power when
holding them.
A book could be written for the
personality, but we’ll just leave it at
sweet, caring, innocent but exotic, sub
missive yet hard to get, and having a
good sense of humor (but no airheads).
She should above all make you feel like
you have the whole world on a string,
sitting on a rainbow.
Dead for a day
by Scott R. Hnasko
On Wednesday, October 17,1 died at 10:15 a.m. My death was sudden; however,
I could not argue. After all, it was for a good cause.
The week of October 15 was Alcohol Awareness Week here on campus.
Sponsored by Bacchus; the campus club dedicated to making students alcohol
aware, Awareness week informed people through pamphletes, exercises, and, of
course, Casino Nite (SEE RELATED ARTICLE ON PAGE 1).
In accordance with Bacchus’ schedule for Alcohol Awareness Week, Wednesday
was Statistics Day. In order to demonstrate how many lives are lost through
alcohol-related accidents, people were asked to "die" for a day. When asked, I
consented
In order to be "dead,” I was required to have my face painted white. I had to
wear a tombstone around my neck which stated my name and the time and date of
my "death.” Being dead, 1 was not allowed to speak. In order to get around this, I
carried a fake copy of a Ouija board with me.
Was the event funny? For a brief while. I was cheating “death" and enjoying it.
Was the event meaningless? Not at all.
I found "death" to be frightening. I volunteered on the spur of the moment, sc
my friends had no idea I was going to "die.” Although my closest friends tried tc
communicate with me through charades and pantomime, many other people
passed me by. 1 felt alone.
I couldn’t wait until 5:00 p.m. when I would be allowed to speak once more; tc
be alive. But what if it weren’t just an activity? What if I had really died? Many oi
the emotions and thoughts I had left to speak would have been lost.
Some professors remarked that they were lucky I couldn't speak for a day (HA
HA). How would the real death of a student - any student - affect a class the
itudent had once attended?
As clearly as Bacchus painted my face white for me, they also clearly painted foi
me the tragedy of death caused by an alcohol-related accident.
Support Bacchus. You can never have enough awareness in this confusing world
full of life.
defined
Truthfully, though, if you’re lucky
enough to find someone that you love
with all your heart and her feelings for
you are the same, nothing else is
important No matter what color the of
her hair, eyes; or skin are, or her weight,
shape, or nose, you’re a lucky man.
After all this is only my opinion.
The mystery of the Perfect Woman
has been solved long before I even
found my Erst clue. So, if you have
solved the mystery, and you have found
your true love, help me out by telling
me the secret that has made your dream
come true.
October, 1990