December 1988
By John Burd
An old friend of mine, with
which I share the same curse of
bad luck with women, surprised
me the other day with this state
ment, "If I don't have sex soon,
the transition to becoming a Re
publican wilt be too hard." I mys
teriously identified with this logic
and answered him with, "You
must become a Republican first,
then you can get laid." He looked
at me with a "you-think-you're
funny" smile and said, "Forget it
then." Reflecting on the ex
change I have realized we agreed
automatically on some Freudian
reason for the existence of Repub
licans.
If you're trusting-you're a
wimp, take people over, because
you know they would you, if given
the chance. This is magically put
in people's minds that watch the
'vast wasteland', or as affection
ately dubbed by my uncle -- the
boob tube. Television breeds ego
ism. In the campaign speeches,
the Republican party clung to the
flag as much as they did the Bible.
You can't help the dog-eat-dog
world of business while being a
Bible thumper, you must pick one
or the other.
The top Republicans that stick
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Sex with a Republican
their necks out are P.J. Bucha
non, and Morton Downey Jr. P.J.
loses the issues by throwing out a
reference to some obscure facts
from cases no one has ever heard
of before then claims to be the win
ner of the argument. Each side
adheres to a different set of
"facts." Mort doesn't believe sec
ondary smoke is bad for people.
The Democrats don't go for the
'There's a Russian behind every
bush' routine. "At least the Rus
sians won't attack us", I heard the
day after the election. 1.) It's the
Soviet Union, ,not "Russia". 2.)
Their trying capitalism now, so
chill. Why not let them stay op
pressed? Look what Japan did. A
little island is now the electronic
and automotive show place for the
world. The Soviet Union second
from the top now as it is, if they
start treating their people right
it'll be eight years before we're
buying Riduga T.V. sets from
them as they buy Hawaii back for
the Japanese.
Mort has the pulse of the die
hard Republicans. The louder he
yells, the more he doesn't let the
guests talk and the more bleeps
the censors and -- the more correct
the statement Mort was making.
He is a lude, crude, self-centered
Business
acres
conformist. The economy is fine
as long as he has his job. Women
are in their place as long as his
wife, number three or four, I'm
not sure, is serving him breakfast
on demand. And if you're sleep
ing alone too often it's because
you're not emulating the supreme
womanizer-Morton Downey Jr.
himself. Act nice then it's slam
bam nice knowin' ya. What if
you're concerned with the feel
ings of the other person? As I see
in my friend, it's a vicious circle:
If your conscience won't let your
first time arise from a cheap situ
ation, your lack of experience
makes the going slower, as the
pros get better and the dating
games get more complex. Is it
possible to catch up? No. Will he
find someone with as high a value
system? Maybe. The dating
games are at high stakes levels. I
don't know. The Democratic de
scriptive logic would say, "The
nice chicks that are left will beat a
path to your door." The Republi
can side would say, "Toughen up
because the meek will die and we
shall inherit the earth." Well for
some possessed reason, the chicks
are lining up in front of the Re
publican's door (materialism,
partly linked to that is what they
lan
ervices
want to hear). I say, "The meek
shall inherit what's left after the
Republicans are done fighting
over it."
Need, my friend, and the 6%
of the male population in the same
status wait for a sweetheart to di
vorce some guy that has a "better
dead than red" wife-beater t
shirt? It looks that way. How can
a person be interesting, come to a
highly regarded opinion about
politics, the meaning of life and
religion and still be forced to
'cross to the other side' to appease
the nasty hormones? How? By be
ing open minded? I've known
this guy since eighth grade. He's
not deformed or anything. What
gives. Worse yet, I've only had
slightly better luck only due to the
fact that I hang out with more peo
ple. Are there any liberal chicks
out there? S.O.S. Am I the only
one left? 0,---
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ficiays
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