Feature
B&M
By, Steve Zarick As reprinted from Highacres Collegian, March 26, 1982.
Just the other day I com
pleted my library packet. ple. I must have wasted
you remember them if about a half of an hour
you've had English 20. At looking through every in.
least, I know I won't forget dex to find an answer.
mine. And they wonder Naturally, the required
why I drink the way I do. answer was located m the
At the outset of my en- last available indes that I,
deavor, the packet seemed c h e c k e d.
like a reasonable exercise Then there is the "refer
that would take abour a to" syndrome. Nothing
half hour or so to corn- agitates me more than to
plete. I was soon to have a book refer me to
discover, however, that five different places
these packets just don't before it answers my
work that way. This questions. You have
reasonable half-an-hour probably experienced this
exercise turned out to be problem yourself. Say you
an at times ridiculous had to find stats on voter
four-and-a-half-hour majo- registration. You look un
r project (some people tell der "elections" and the
me that their packet was book says see "vote
more to the tune of twelve count" and the book says
hours. I suppose I was "see votes cast". This
1 u c k y .) procedure continues as
A lesser known clause of many as five o six times
Murphy's Law states, before the book is good and
You about index or ready to give an answer.
from "You'll find what The "refer to" syndrome
you're looking for in the can even spill over into
last place you look." other books. A few
question in my pae
Murphy h ad me r e fer to" seven ck o r
knew his stuff. Take the m- eight books until I could
dex exercise as an exam-
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find an answer.
And how about some of
the questions the packet
has you answer! Does
Agusta, Maine have an
airport.. I don't want to
go to Maine. And I see no
practical reason for fin
ding out when ole Sir Fred
Pritchard was born. I
never get birthday presen
ts fron their family. And
who the hell cares who the
city manager of Scot
tsdale, Arizona is.. I'll bet
you they're not sitting
around out in Arizona won
dering who the Shamokin
street sweepers are.
Well, once again, B. .M
must come to an end. I
have to 'go over to the
library and see if my
packet has any (or many)
errors. Don't worry ;I'm
prepared for the worst
(with a bottle of bourbon).
Incidentally, for those of
you who haven't had the
pleasure of doing the
packet... Ha! Ha! Ha! ...
have a high time at the
Highacres library.
i t
~ rn
[Silver Crysto!l
Prestige in Crystal
/‘,
Buzz.... Bang! Joe
College slaps the alarm
clock, rolls over on his
Sealy Posturpedic mat
tress and ponders the ad
vantages of going to his
first eriod class.
Althoughhe can think of
none, he heads for the
shower anyway. He
reaches for his bar of
Coast deodorant soap and
comes back to life. After
drying himself with his
100. cotton Canon towel,
Joe applies his Sure
deodorant so that he can
be sure when he raises his
hand in class
Running behind schedule
as usual, Joe races into the
commons and grabs that
glass of fresh Florida
Orange Juice, which isn't
just for breakfast
anymore, only to realize
that WOW-he could have
had •a V-8!
After a day's worth of
classes and a weeks worth
of writer's cramp, Joe
returns to his room and
settles down for a long af
ternoon of studying. Thatt
Enolish paper was
assigned four days ago,
but since it is not due until
fifth period tomorrow, he
decides to let it go until
tonight and wash the
mountain of laundry on the
floor of his closet that has
been piling up for the last
two weeks. After usino the
"eenie, meenie, ramie,
moe" technique of sorting,
Joe nonchalantly slam
dunks his darks into a
washing machine along
with a quarter cup of Era,
A Day In
The Life Of
Joe College
Michael Lobb & Anne Barn
hart ,
and some Clorox bleach to
make his whites their
whitest. A half an hour
later, he returns to the
laundry room, removes
his now tie-dyed designer
jeans (he forgot that one
doesnt bleach darks), and
throws them into the
dryer. Later...when he
removes his clothes from
the dryer, he finds that
they are all stuck together
in a big ball due to static
cling. He suddenly
realizes that hee forgot the
Cling Free sheets and now
his clothes won't still smell
fresh three days from now.
Finally done with his
laundry, Joe again returns
to his English paper.
Because he is exhausted
from the toil of laundry, he
makes himself a half cup
of Maxwell House coffee
(photo by L. Bosak)
so that he can savor it to
the last drop, but wishes
that he had Brim, so that
he could have filled it to
the rim. But the caffeine
made him jumpy so he
decides to postpone the
paper and get up early
tomorrow to write it by fif
th period. 'lnstead, he
flicks on HBO, because
he's an HBO person who
doesn't miss out.
Before he knows it, his
Timex Quartz watch
which took a licking but
kept on ticking, reads one
a.m. After brushing his
teeth with Aim, because he
likes the taste and brushes
longer, Joe college retires
to his bed which is still un
made form the morning
before.
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