TABLE
continued, from page two
Ping Pong 100. Techniques
in ball dodging, rp.shing from
side to side, back straining.
Prerequisite or concurrent:
Ph Ed I.or 25.
Pool 307. Advanced study
of pool shooting. Analysis
coupled with laboratories on
banking, cue buying, cloth re
pairing, and 10 things to say.
while shooting, scoring, and
missing. Prerequisite: Pool
300.
Obinese Torture 14. In -
tensive'study in class'and
laboratory of the structure
and skills of the great Chin
ese art of tnrture.
Ph Ed 1 or Ph Ed 25.
Shuffleboard. Historical de
velopment of modern shuffle
board and its philosophical ap
plication in education.
SUBsitfing 21. Require
ment for all undergraduates.
Essentials of good fanners and
accepted social standards.
Laboratories in card playing,
soda sipping, TV watching,
pinball, pool, ping pong, cig
arette smoking, and making out.
Included this term only: 10
nice thing 6 to say about the
cafeteria food. Prerequi
sites: a Strong back, a strong
heart, and an even stronger
bottom.
FRATERNITY
A chapter of Alpha Phi
Oftega,aliational service fra
ternity, has been organized
on campus. As of now there
are twenty three students who
have signed on as charter mem
bers and four faculty advisors;
Dean McCallus, Mr. Krone, Dr.
Dandois, and Mr. Binns. At a
recent meeting the following
officers and committee heads
were selected; Anthony Seo,
President; David Wolf, Vice-
President; Dave Trumbauer, Sec
rt'ary; Mark Butler, Treasurer;
Rod Prior, Service Chairman;
Kurt Kniss, Publicity Chair-
Men; and Terry Shaffer, Re
freshments Chairman. Any
male student who is interested
in joining next term should
see either Mr. Binns or any of
the officers.
CASE OF THE CROOKED TABLE
I, Dr. James Watson, have
been asked to undertake the
task of producing a brief lit
erary discourse on behalf of
Ms. Berger, whose column
usually occupies this space.
Ms. Berger has been adversely
affected by the energy crisis
(i.e. ) she is saving her energy
for final exams.)
In the past, Mr. Sherlock
Holmes and I have, solve most
bizarre crimes for most dig
tinguished personages. Hone
orthese, however, can com
pare with the case I have filed
unagr The titie, 17 The Case of
the Crooked Tables." Last
month,Volmes and I were sumo)
moned by Dr. David of the
Hazleton Campus of Penn State
to explain some perplexing
events occuring in what is
known as the SUB: it appeared
that one leg on each of the
tables furnishing said struc
ture was shortened by some un-
known party, thereby causing
,the tables to wobble in a dis
turbing manner. (Incidentally ,
we found our quarters in the
Residence Hall comfortable,
although I do believe that Mrs.
;Hudson, our landlady at 221-b
Baker St., would not have made
an R. A.)
After examining the scene
of the crime and collecting
splinters from the deformed
tables, Holmes interviewed those
:students, faculty members,
And administrative officials
who frequent the SUB. "Have
you any suspects, Holmes?" I
asked. "My dear Watson! By
the process of deductive reason
ing, I have solved this nef
arious crime," he replied.
"Come," he added, as he stuffed
his pipe. "T have consented
to display my violin prowess
for the Music 5 class."
The next day, Dr. David,
Holmes, and I summoned the cul
prit to the director's office.
For the sake of discretion, I
will not reveal the perpetra
tor's identity or status as
student or otherwise. "I hope
you realize the seriousness of "Lestrade could have
done' it s " replied Holmes., _
your situation," said Holmes.
"You can't prove anything ',brushed off his deerstalker!
Raid the suspect. _hat and led the way out.
Elghacres aollegian, February 27, 1974- Page Three
byJames s
"O the contrary, I can,"
was Holmes! reply. "Also, if
I were you / I would give up
trying to teach that parakeet
of yours to talk."
The suspect gasped.
"Blimey, Holmes! How (lAd you
deduce a thj.rp: like that?"
sa!d I.
"71ementary s " apswered
the detective blithely. "The
suspent speaks with hoarseness;
I detect the remains of the
bottom ;,of a bird cage on his
shoe; his right wrist betrays
the marlcs of a parakeet's
claws."
"Tight ho! But how do you
know we have the criminn.l"
"Ah, this person is no
Moriarty. When I interviewed
him in the SLTR, Trot:iced he
was of a nervous nature; but
it is obvious, from astute
observatior p . that his diversions
are not smoking, drinking,
knitting, or drags. He is the
type who needs a hobby. I al
so noticed that ho is not ut
terly honest• I observed a
petrol siphon in his pocket,
The middle finger of nis
right hand suffers a writer's
callous. Mow the most preva
lent kind of writing &one 1:1
the SUB is the pinochle scores
on the tables. That this per
son is an avid pinochle-player
is evident by the hearts and
clubs doodled on his books,
the dexterity Of his dealing
wrist, and the fact that he
asked me if the ono, T was
" melding." If he would steal
petrol, b. , !^-ala. resort to en
of cheating at cards ; in
cluding tilting the tables on
order to facilitate glancing
at his opponents' hands. The
Band-Aid on his finger, by the
way, lead me to inquire of •
Mrs. Tamea the nature of his
injury, I was not surprised
to learn it was a splinter.
The case is closed."
"Let us take some tsa,
gentlemen," suggested. Dr.
David. "Yollr powers amaze
me."