RIGHACM COLLEGIAN
ADVICE FkOM FES
Our editor has Just given me japlicit
orders on a news article. He handed
me a sheet of paper, motioned me to a
tneeriter, and !aid, IiMITE.P "WH&Vt
acid I. "WRITEL WRITEI WRITE&
GODDAMIT, WE ONLX HAVE THREE PAGES DONE."
After receiving this kindly reqUest and
detailed instructions, I prooeeded to
write. The follOting is the result.
*0 YOU WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE
The incoming freshmen each year are
faced with many problems. At least
the folders and faculty tell us we
are faced with many problems. So I
guess we are.
Ome of the biggest problems is that of
adjustment. Adjusting belts on ROTC
uniforms ) adjusting your slugs to fit
the cigarette machine ) adjustiiig your
crib sheets to fit your new claches )
and many other grave adjustment problems.
There is also the problem of rules and
regulations. All students are expected
to conform to the laws and moral codes
followed by all educated,'self-respecting
members of society. These can be summ
arized in the ONE GREAT GOLDEN RULE OF
ADULT BEHAVIOR--namely, "You can do any
thing you want, as long as you don't
get caught." Those who live by this
rule are recognized leaders in business,
industry, and The Mafia. (Speaking of
The Mafia, all Black-Hand aspirants are
asked to contact either K. Q. Bishop or
Hans von Sideburn at the Euphoria-Exotica
on 3000 East iviine Street-next-door to
the opium den.)
Getting back to the subject of incoming
freshmen, we shall now discuss the problem
of budgeting time. Most students run
Urtio,trouble because they simply w ill
hot break the archaic and plebian habit
Of i i lseping. For advide on how to lose
this vice contact Zachary No—Doze or
kary B. Bloodshot at this office.
evi t , ' ' iITION
Well the arsenic cocktail. which T ga . vo
the editor has taken effect and lo°nr
I am free to go for a "fix". Sei3 the
next issue when we w ill discuss the
problem of how to study(Readin t ,
Writint and Cheatint).
HOU TO HI.NG A EAN
Although of little practical value
to the average American, the process
involved in extinguiShiug life with
a rope should,. T feel, be of interost
to a college student. Mel knows but
some day he may be attending
hanging which is an,apparent failure.
If he is fortunate enough to have
read this, he will be able to step
forward and say,"Wait, I knoll how
it should be done!, Penn State,
sixty-one," and then supervise the
proceedings.
Following is a list and description
of the people and things necessf:xy
for a successful hanging:
1. There must be a victim, Victims
are rather scarce in this part of
the country, but in southern United
States, South American countries,
and the Arabian states a fairly
abundant supply exists. It is pre
ferable, but not nueeSary, that ho
be guilty of a crime. He should be
weighty enough so that the rope will
snap his cervical; but he should not
bo too intelligent, else he may make
a more expeditious exit from life,
as Herman Goering did.
2. Gallows with repo. The gallows
is kWooden device, already familiar
to most Americans through the mediums
of the movies anddeti4tive story
magazines. Any good quality rope
about one-half inch in diameter will
do.
3. Personnel. A hangman, a chaplai:
a coroner, and guads are required.
continued.
Conrad 13n.lii.ot