HIGHACEE.S CO
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IKE ASSASSINATED
It was released by the government yesterday
that Ike Smith, local garbage collector,
was killed the other day by a flying
garbage can. An investigation by the F.
3.G.C. (Federal Bureau of Garbage Cans)
revealed that it was the plot of an'
underground movement, in other words the
U.S.W. (United Sewer Workers).
It was further disclosed that the garbage
consisted of coffee grounds, mashed
potatoes, spinach, and rotten apples.
This clue led Herbert Hoober to arrest
the president of the U.S.N., but the
president was in the process od "shooting
crap" .in the sewers, to "supplement his
meager wages." This is what is known
as a "floating crap game." However,
they finally apprehended him, and after
beating him for 36 hours, got a confession.
Burial will take place in two days for
both men. This is a news release from the
United Mess.
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FACULTY MEMBER OF THE MONTH
Prof. Mahhoff teaches biology and other
such' jazz. He received his master's
degree from Johnstown Junior College,
and since then has been teaching biology.
He haa been instructing human biology
since 1889, and still enjoys a good
dissection; (Failing students often
donate a liml for a guaranteed D-.)
His hobbies include: Selling lab supplies
at black market prices, keeping students
in a state of'extreme nervousness, and
selling nerve tablets. It is rumored
that he uses formaldehyde instead of
sugar in his coffee.
He in.a member of the following organ -
zatioas: Anti-American League,, Shop
lifters,inc. Mickey Mouse Club, and
Black Kai-skits Motorcycle Club.
** * * * * * * * *
Professor Mamhoff
STUD NT OF THE MONTH
Melvin McMuff is a, sophpmore vho is
majoring in < grbage collecting, and
minoring in dish-washing. He hails fr
Shanytown, where his ability to
out dust mops gave him the rocog,...li!ion
needed for a scholarship.
MelviOs hobbies include marbivs s
playing with dolls, and making mad pie
He has a reputation for, making oxerJlit.n
snow balls, provided that there's snow.
Last week Melvin scored a 23 per cent
in, exam on "The Evolution of the
and also scored a 100 ner cent on "lani
to Handle nth '5B Model Garbage
At present he sports a 07 average,
which he says, "wouldn't be pcsssible
if it wasn't for my mother." She i 5 a
retired garbage collector.
Manffts chief gripes are "peOnle who
throw the mashed potatoes in the bottom
and "people who ea t all their mashed
potatoes." His favorite foods arc bean
and mashed potatoes. He has offers
from five major cities to start as chic
can emptier, at $4O a week and all he
can eat.
**** * * * *
A college student was fleecing his old
man by telling him he had acquired a
talking dog. As the dog became uoro
learned, the son wrote home for more me
to further its education. Finally the
boy asked for a thousand dollars so the
dog could learn to speak French.
Soon the amazed father announced he was
coming to see this amazing animal, and
the student, in desperation, shot the
and went to meet his father at the stat
"Well son„ where's the dog?"
"Father, I don't know how to tell you
this, but I had to kill him. You see,
this morning as I was shaving, he look
ed up from the newspapeo and said, "Is
your father still playing around with .
maid?"
"My word, are you sure he 47:lead?"
ril 18 1958
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