There hes been quite an epidemic of
grab-itis going around campus and no one knows
what is going to happen next. Grab-itis is an
other word for petty larceny, and unbeknownst iD
the student body, the CIA has been conducting
a secret investigation. The only reason I have
been able to stumble across this juicy bit of
info is that Allen Dulles (the head of the :-
Central Intelligence Agency) and yours truly
are tight, and, the other day ole' Dul calls
me up and he says,"Mickey ir (lused to be a
Little league home run hitter) we've been using
one of our agents to test the strength of the
Behrend Campus security system." What follows
is so astonishing that I fell it is necessary
to break the bond of confidence between Al Dunes
and myself and relay the information.
It seems that the CIA dropped this agent
from a helicopter onto the Behrend property
somewhere south of the new dorms. This agent,
whom we shall call Mister X, is disguised as a
Behrend student: Penn State sweatshirt, tight
levi's, penny loafers--the whole workt, and
he steals
,a Mack truck from the RUB construction
workers (actually, ten workers were asleep in
the back trailer, but they were later returned).
He then pulls the truck around to the parking
lot, and rips a parking sticker from the bumper
of a car, and attaches this sticker to his
truck. The agent then sneaks into Erie Hall,
and when he left ten minutes later, he took
with him: thumb tacks from the bulletin boar 4
two footballs, Coach Onorato's whistle, a
broken pool cue, two ping pong paddles, three
balls, six decks of cards, four coats, a table
and chairs from the lounge, the pop machine
(this was also returned--defective), five of
Kim Kimberlin's purses, and assorted sums of
money taken from the lockers in the locker room.
He took this merchandise back to the truck with
the help of a fellow Behrend student: you
know, the "Hello" spirit and all that.
Mister X then made his way to the cafe
teria, taking with him several small bushes.
According to Dulles, items purloined at the
eatery included: trays, dishes, silverware,
two cooks, and more purses and coats.
It was his haul from the Administration
Building that was really the coup de grace,
however. He pilfered forty different SGA
constitutions, three typewriters, two "staff"
members, and get this: he took Dean•Creveling's
purse, but no one noticed it because he had on
one of her wigs. Amazino . !
From the 0. B. Building, the scorecard.
reads: fifty old Nittany Cubs, two ash trays,
six trophies, more thumb tacks (Son of a gun,
they have a shortage of those things:in
WeShington too!) , the coffee pot from the
teachers' wing, room 118, one of Mrs. Nyla
Falkenhagen's easels, and the usual coats,
purses, and lunches were also confiscated.
Scanning the rest of the campus, missing
items were: benches, trees, and 30,000 gallons
of water from the swimming pool. Dulles said
that the items taken would be returned, and he
added, somewhat mischievously: "Our Mister X
was very apologetic when he returned to CIA
headquarters. He said that there was so much
more to take, but that there was such a crowd
competing for everything that he figured that—
he'd better get out before somebody stole him--
penny loafers and all."
JACKSON 9 S JARGON
Dear Annie,
All that seems to be important to
Behrend guys is booze, pinochle, and sex
Isn't anyone interested in girls who can
sew and raise children anymore?
Harriet Housewife
Dear Harry,
How are you at making beds, washin
glasses and folding card tables?
Dear Annie,
Ever since the snow storm we had 1
weekend I haven't made it to any of my c
es. Every time I try to get into 0.8.,
bombarded with snow balls. What can T d
protect myself from those bullies before
flunk out of school?
Dear Sammy,
You lose. I've already hired Don
Drysdale as bodyguard.
Dear Annie,
I'm supposed to be the most eligab
male on campus, but where do I find the
eligable girl?
My Darling Seeker,
I'll be in the Cub office any afte
noon, you can call me, lover. I'll know
you are.
P. S. Knock code: 2 long ones and ash
Dear Annie,
There's this guy with dark wavy ha
beautiful blue eyes that I really go for
sits right next to me in one of my class
I've tried everything to get him to pay
attention to me, I mean I've really been
ing it on thick, but still its no go. H
What can I do to get him to ask me out?
Kim Krush
Dear Rimy,
I'm afraid I can't give you a pat
answer, but that's what the assistant de
student affairs is for.
GUESS WHO...PROF???
, 1
, n ,
)0
DEAR ANNIE
Sandy Scared
The Seeker
Lave Always,
Annie