THE MOVIES COME TO PRBREND
Well, it's time for one of those network
movies again; you know. those new movies that
keep TV from absol - te oblivion. Tonight they're
having another Elvis Presley movie--he must make
ten thousand flicks a year because every other
night some station'or another has one of his
Movies on. But really there's nothing to making
a movie like this: all you need is one mascu
line singing star, nineteen million beautiful
girls, and music. My god, that music.
I got'to thinking what it would be like if
the whole world were an Elvis Presley movie.
case you've never noticed, these shows never
have any reality to them: Elvis sings a song,
all these girls dance around, and everyone's al
ways happy. Imagine, then, a typical male Behrend
student in the Presley role: suave, debonaire,
the envy of every g-y and the flame in all the
co-ed's hearts. He awakes in the morning to
sunshine (that's a dead giveaway right there--
t l- 1 ,- !re'S never sunshine in Erie) singing, whist
ling. and skipping to the music on the radio. So, between fifty-five more songs, nine
He leaVes for school in his Ferrari, waving to fights, two English classes (there has to be'
his next-door neighbor who just happens to,be a some substance to this farce), and a Brylcream
former beau'Ly contest winner. commercial, the movie ends. And it ends in a
He arrives a Behrend ten minutes late for typical Elvis dramatic scene: he drives off in
class. but he's totally unperturbed. He waves his Rolls Royce (he got a raise at hisepart
to everyone , and as he passes Erie Hall he stops time job), waving, singing and smiling.
and. Voila! A big production nAs he umber followsleaves, two more anonymous students
with students dancing around their books. So are talking. One says, "Who was that man?"
the number ends, and now our hero is thirty min- Whereupon the other replies,'awed and serene:
untes lite; but he's still whistling and waving. "Why, that's the wane Ranger!"
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...er, barn ***
two gorgeous co-eds are waging a tremendous
fight to see who gets to ask our hero to Home
coMing. So then the arch-rival, who is, let's,
saySpoi 4 ts Editor of the Nittany Cub, comes in
and breaks up the fight by telling both girls
that out hero is a gigolo, a flirt, and most im
portant, he does not use Right Guard. The girls
think for a minute (see, I told you this was
absurd), agree with the arch-rival, and now they
fight to see who gets to take the arch-rival to
Homecoming.
By this time, our hero has had three songs,
tiro love scenes, and a broken shoelace and is still
two hundred feet from the o.B...building. Besides
that, - hes.an hour late for Mr. Christopher's
English quiz. So he bops into class ten minutes
before.it ends and waves to the prof as he takes
his"seat in the back next to Patty Plain, who has
a ?.9 cum and who would be played in the cinema . _
by Phyllis Diller. So our hero flunks the quiz.—
still maintaining his cool ) and he starts to woo
Patty. He tells her that she has more sophisti
cation than the other girls, does not go in for
fads, etc., and gets a 'late with her for Home
coming. What he DOESN'T tell her is thPt she is
going to do his term paper for him so that he
can maintain his 2.0 and remain as secretary of
the SGA. All this time Mr. Christopher is ded
icatedly discerting the nuances of Faulkner and
HeningwaY seemingly unaware of our hero's pitch
to Patty
So the class ends and our hero has Patty's
hand as they romantic-411y stroll to the cafeteria
for that first cup cf coffee. In the meantime,
By John Jackson
thirteen girls have broken up with their beawc
seven teachers nave recommended that our hero
be expelled, and the ladies in the cafeteria
want our fast-fading hero's neck because he
never puts his tray back.
The next scene is one term later (this
would be a nice thing to be able to pull off
in real life), and two previously unknown stu
dents are talking in Mr. Onorato's health class
STUDENT A: "Well, that Sports Editor
sure did himself wrong. He got a date
T-Ith everyone of Sammy Suave's old flames
while Sam. was goin' with Patty Plain, but
none of Sam's flames even knew how to
write; so naw Sam's got his cum up to 0 .6
and is the new Sports Editor--that's
cause the old one got kicked out."
STUDENT B: "Yeah." (The real message to
this was the way he said it. I mean, how
nany ways are there to say, "Yeah."
DEAR AM=
Confidential to Pot Belli—Let it all
hang outl3l.
Moct-t 'Time Do WE 144kre LEFT
0000. PROF???