MIMMM Continued from front page Harper was then ripped in half and consumed by two undead. Harper was unavailable for later comment. Finally the police and the National Guard had to be called in to alleviate the crisis. Several older staff and faculty members were reminded of the Berkeley protests in the mid 60s, as the infected students were lured out onto the grassy hill behind the dorms and shot repeatedly. However, unlike Berkeley, the officers were greatly commended for their bravery in dealing with the undead. Haas Goes to Hollywood By VINCENT DANGOLOVICH ASSISTANT EDITOR VWDSOO6@PSU.EDD In a startling announcement Monday, Prof. J. Craig Haas of Penn State Harrisburg said he would be finding an agent and hiting the "big time." The philosophy, comparative religion and symbolic logic professor neglected to say why he wanted the career change, only that "stars don't have time for questions." "I should have known this would happen," said communications major Dee Sabatino, co-producer of the student film Coin Op. "We asked him to do a bit part for our project and suddenly he had a dressing room, a make-up specialist and a dialect coach. We didn't even have a budget!" No one has yet determined why a dialect coach was needed on the set of a film without dialogue or why a make up team was required for natural light or even how they were acquired without a anything more than a few fifty-cent pieces. The film will be available on You Tube following a negotiation of residuals to Prof. Haas. "We really thought the project would be graded and online for others to see it, but Haas's attorney's have us locked in a legal battle over a percentage of zero," reported student actor Phil Narsh. "I was the lead in the film and I don't have a legal team The cause of this bizarre phenomenon is still unknown, although there are several unproven theories. One theory is that the outbreak started from Stacks, based on the fact that several of the 23 infected students ate lunch at school that day. Stacks management refused to comment. Another theory puts the blame on Penn State Harrisburg's proximity to Three Mile Island, saying something to do with leaked radiation caused the students to rise from the dead. A ceremony will be held on Wednesday the 7th in honor of the students who died during the attack. In related news the Philosophy Club, fearing the loss of their faculty advisor tried reasoning with him but to no avail. "We pleaded with him and tried to symbolize an argument but the man freaking wrote the workbook and life preserver on the subject," said Philosophy student John Locke Aristotle. Reportedly, Haas addressed the club stating: "If I am a Hollywood star, then I make movies. I made a movie. Hence, I am a Hollywood star." "We attempted to note that he was clearly asserting the consequent, a fallacy, and that people make movies without being stars all the time. How else would you explain Molly Shanon?" said John Locke Aristotle. "Either I am a college professor or a movie star making films. Since I make films, I am a clearly a star-- a disjunctive syllogism." replied Haas. "Nuh-uh," shouted an incensed Prof. Cal Bluff. "that's asserting an alternative! Do you even read the textbook!" Regardless of the exchange, Haas is currently resolute on the change of career. Until such time as he moves to LA, he is still a PSH Professor with a good sense of humor and a strong repore with students. He also is said to be owed at least one favor by staff member of the Capital Times. Student loses dollar, whereabouts unknown BY VINCENT DANGOLOVICH ASSISTANT EDITOR VWDsoo6@Psu.Enu In a crushing turn of events, busi ness major Penny Pyncher of PSH has misplaced a Federal Reserve Note usable as legal tender for all debts, public and private denoting 100 pennies. The Federal Reserve Note, or one dollar bill, was last seen in Pyncher's purse as she was purchasing a coffee. She did not have enough for a latte. "It was there one minute and gone the next," Pyncher claimed. "I've searched everywhere but can't find it." Many theories have surfaced re garding the current location of the lost money. "I think it went to find religion," proposed local cult leader Reggie Lisnut. "The back read in god we trust." Others believe the secret soci ety, the Illuminati, have claimed the bill to prevent the spread of the "All-seeing-eye" logo on the back of the U. S. currency. "It was a complete oversight on our end," said the Illumi nati leader Holden Hague. "We threw that on the back of the bill years ago to one-up those showy Stone Masons. We thought it re ally wouldn't affect the whole conspiracy thing we have going. Who knew it would circulate throughout the world in exchange for goods and services?' Local students of the technology lab insist the dollar was transmut ed into binary code and emailed to Bill Gates whom they deem "the Great One." Apparently he uses such bills to wipe his nose. A select few say that Ms. Pynch er merely must dropped the bill while reaching for her student ID or simply forgot spending it on another purchase. However, such theories have been deemed absurd and completely irrational as it was clearly in the purse one moment and magically gone the next. Local investigators on the case have not ruled out the possibility of witches, warlocks, or gremlins, as well as the mystical being that eats dollars through an inter-di mensional rift found in vending machine and coin operated dry ers. If you or anyone you know has information concerning the whereabouts of the Penny Pynch er dollar, or have the bill itself, please send it to the Capital Times office on campus. You can easily identify the Federal Reserve note by the green back, "one" numer als, and the picture of George Washington on the front. "I was certain it had a picture of Washington, or possibly Ben Franklin," said Pyncher. "If you find either please return it to me through the newspaper!"
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers