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Harper was then ripped in half
and consumed by two undead.
Harper was unavailable for later
Finally the police and the
National Guard had to be called
in to alleviate the crisis. Several
older staff and faculty members
were reminded of the Berkeley
protests in the mid 60s, as the
infected students were lured
out onto the grassy hill behind
the dorms and shot repeatedly.
However, unlike Berkeley, the
officers were greatly commended
for their bravery in dealing with
Haas Goes to
By VINCENT DANGOLOVICH
In a startling announcement
Monday, Prof. J. Craig Haas
of Penn State Harrisburg said
he would be finding an agent
and hiting the "big time." The
philosophy, comparative religion
and symbolic logic professor
neglected to say why he wanted
the career change, only that "stars
don't have time for questions."
"I should have known this would
happen," said communications
major Dee Sabatino, co-producer
of the student film Coin Op.
"We asked him to do a bit part
for our project and suddenly he
had a dressing room, a make-up
specialist and a dialect coach. We
didn't even have a budget!"
No one has yet determined why
a dialect coach was needed on the
set of a film without dialogue or
why a make up team was required
for natural light or even how they
were acquired without a anything
more than a few fifty-cent pieces.
The film will be available on
You Tube following a negotiation
of residuals to Prof. Haas.
"We really thought the project
would be graded and online
for others to see it, but Haas's
attorney's have us locked in a
legal battle over a percentage of
zero," reported student actor Phil
Narsh. "I was the lead in the film
and I don't have a legal team
The cause of this bizarre
phenomenon is still unknown,
although there are several
unproven theories. One theory
is that the outbreak started from
Stacks, based on the fact that
several of the 23 infected students
ate lunch at school that day. Stacks
management refused to comment.
Another theory puts the blame on
Penn State Harrisburg's proximity
to Three Mile Island, saying
something to do with leaked
radiation caused the students to
rise from the dead.
A ceremony will be held on
Wednesday the 7th in honor of
the students who died during the
In related news the Philosophy
Club, fearing the loss of their
faculty advisor tried reasoning
with him but to no avail.
"We pleaded with him and tried
to symbolize an argument but the
man freaking wrote the workbook
and life preserver on the subject,"
said Philosophy student John
Reportedly, Haas addressed the
club stating: "If I am a Hollywood
star, then I make movies. I made a
movie. Hence, I am a Hollywood
"We attempted to note that he was
clearly asserting the consequent,
a fallacy, and that people make
movies without being stars all the
time. How else would you explain
Molly Shanon?" said John Locke
"Either I am a college professor
or a movie star making films.
Since I make films, I am a clearly
a star-- a disjunctive syllogism."
"Nuh-uh," shouted an incensed
Prof. Cal Bluff. "that's asserting
an alternative! Do you even read
Regardless of the exchange,
Haas is currently resolute on the
change of career. Until such time
as he moves to LA, he is still a
PSH Professor with a good sense
of humor and a strong repore with
students. He also is said to be
owed at least one favor by staff
member of the Capital Times.
Student loses dollar,
BY VINCENT DANGOLOVICH
In a crushing turn of events, busi
ness major Penny Pyncher of PSH
has misplaced a Federal Reserve
Note usable as legal tender for all
debts, public and private denoting
100 pennies. The Federal Reserve
Note, or one dollar bill, was last
seen in Pyncher's purse as she
was purchasing a coffee. She did
not have enough for a latte.
"It was there one minute and
gone the next," Pyncher claimed.
"I've searched everywhere but
can't find it."
Many theories have surfaced re
garding the current location of the
"I think it went to find religion,"
proposed local cult leader Reggie
Lisnut. "The back read in god we
Others believe the secret soci
ety, the Illuminati, have claimed
the bill to prevent the spread of
the "All-seeing-eye" logo on the
back of the U. S. currency.
"It was a complete oversight
on our end," said the Illumi
nati leader Holden Hague. "We
threw that on the back of the bill
years ago to one-up those showy
Stone Masons. We thought it re
ally wouldn't affect the whole
conspiracy thing we have going.
Who knew it would circulate
throughout the world in exchange
for goods and services?'
Local students of the technology
lab insist the dollar was transmut
ed into binary code and emailed
to Bill Gates whom they deem
"the Great One." Apparently he
uses such bills to wipe his nose.
A select few say that Ms. Pynch
er merely must dropped the bill
while reaching for her student
ID or simply forgot spending it
on another purchase. However,
such theories have been deemed
absurd and completely irrational
as it was clearly in the purse one
moment and magically gone the
Local investigators on the case
have not ruled out the possibility
of witches, warlocks, or gremlins,
as well as the mystical being that
eats dollars through an inter-di
mensional rift found in vending
machine and coin operated dry
If you or anyone you know
has information concerning the
whereabouts of the Penny Pynch
er dollar, or have the bill itself,
please send it to the Capital Times
office on campus. You can easily
identify the Federal Reserve note
by the green back, "one" numer
als, and the picture of George
Washington on the front.
"I was certain it had a picture
of Washington, or possibly Ben
Franklin," said Pyncher. "If you
find either please return it to me
through the newspaper!"