News
Continued from front page
preparations for the replacement
of the still operational Unit l's
steam generator scheduled for
late 2009. These preparations
included a thorough inspection
by federal Nuclear Regulatory
Commission officials to assess
the nearly 40-year-old plant's
overall condition.
"The half life of the uranium
-235 is about 700 million years,"
explained Rowe during the press
conference, "So we initially had
no intention of going near Unit
2 for at lease another several
hundred millennia, but curiosity
got the best of us so we cracked
the seal to have a look inside."
Once inside inspectors found
that the reactor was completely
empty except for an aged piece
of notebook paper pinned to the
wall with "April Fools" written
on it. Rowe and other Exelon
executives immediately ordered
that the final inspection report be
kept among only the top ranking
New York Knicks star
Albert Harrington to take courses
at Penn State Harrisburg
By DIANA LE
FORMER EDITOR
DXLSO37@PSU.EDU
Penn State Harrisburg athletics
may be seeing a new, yet familiar
face.
NBA player Albert "Al" Har
rington of the New York Knicks
is reported to be looking to take
several college courses at the
campus, according to staff at the
PSH admissions office.
"He only inquired about taking
classes for credit at Penn State,"
said a worker at the office who
would only comment anony
mously because of university pri
vacy policies. "He hasn't applied
or been accepted or anything."
Harrington, 30, was born and
raised in the neighboring state of
New Jersey and is aware of Penn
State University, mostly due to
the nation-wide attention the Big
10 football team attracts. Howev
er, the admissions office worker
explained, Harrington may be
looking for a smaller campus for
privacy reasons.
company executives until a full
internal investigation into the
findings could be carried out.
Upon the completion of the
investigation it was discovered
that Dave Johnson, a high ranking
executive in the company directly
responsible for the plant's
operation in 1979; Metropolitan
Edison Company, and then
Pennsylvania Governor Richard
Thornburgh had been friends
since college and had a playful
tradition of pranking each other.
In the late 1940's Johnson had
hidden in Thomburgh's dorm
room closet and jumped out in
the middle of the night causing
Thornburgh to collapse into
a panic attack which lasted
several hours. Back and forth
pranks continued until, in 1978,
Thornburgh used his position
as Governor of Pennsylvania
to place Johnson under house
arrest for three days while he was
supposedly being investigated for
selling nuclear technologies to
the Soviet Union.
Determined to one-up
Thornburgh, Johnson began
planning the execution of a
"Maybe he wants to study for a bit
at a large, respectable university,
but in a way that doesn't attract
too much attention to himself,"
the admissions office worker said.
"I don't know, but there is also the
benefit of having the (Harrisburg
International) airport nearby if he
needs to travel."
PSH's athletic department said
they have not heard of Har
rington's inquiry, but added they
would be delighted if he played at
the campus "even if it's just for
fun."
Harrington never attended col
lege; he played basketball at St.
Patrick High School in Eliza
beth, N.J., before being selected
at age 18 to play for the Indiana
Pacers. In 1998, he was named
player of the year by USA To
day. The 6-foot, 9-inch player has
also played for the Atlanta Hawks
and Golden State Warriors before
joining the New York Knicks in
November 2008.
Attempts to contact the New
York Knicks' media and public
relations staff were unsuccessful.
PITAL TIME
fake nuclear incident at TMI.
The plan, according to the
investigation's findings, was to
report a nuclear incident to the
Governor requesting he do a press
conference from the apparently
faulty reactor to show how safe it
was. Upon Thornburgh's arrival
and examination of the reactor he
would find the note Johnson had
pinned to the wall and the hoax
would end harmlessly without
public knowledge. Unfortunately
Johnson was unable to initially
reach the Governor and reported
the incident to Thornburgh's
personal assistant who, in turn,
started the chain of events
witnessed by the world over 30
years ago.
Recordings of phone
conversations made by Johnson
between him and Thornburgh
were found in the process of the
investigation and revealed that on
March 30,1979 Johnson informed
Thornburgh of the hoax.
Johnson: Dick, I've been
meaning to tell you something for
a day or two now.
Thornburgh: This better be good.
I've got [President] Carter on the
Students earn higher grades by paying attention
BY JENNA DENOYELLES
AND VINCENT DANGOLOVICH
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF AND
ASSISTANT EDITOR
JHDSO3S@PSU.EDU
VAVD5OO6@Psu.Enu
As Penn State Harrisburg
increases in size so do the grade
point averages. A new trend has
swept over the campus at PSH.
Students are paying attention in
class and earning higher grades.
Grade point averages are rising at
a record high.
Students put down their phone
and picked up a pencil. They quit
texting, stopped the chatting, and
the click, click, clicking away on
the computers during class. The
annoying habits students once had
ceases to exist as classrooms are
now filled with attentive students
with a readiness to learn.
Class participation used to be a
problem for many teachers. In the
past, students just sat there dully
staring at the teacher with a glazed
over expression. A frustration
now fixed.
"Students are never distracted,
they seem to have an uncanny
ability to answer questions in class
other line. We're
thinking of evacuating at 10-
mile radius around the plant. I
don't know where we're
going to put 100,000 people.
Johnson: [expletive deleted]
dude. That's what I've got to talk
to you about. It's all fake.
The reactor is fine.
Thornburgh: What?
Johnson: I was just trying to
get you back for that commie
[expletive deleted] you
pulled last year.
Thornburgh: [expletive deleted]
Richard Thornburgh, who later
served as the secretary of the
Army for both Presidents Ronald
Reagan and George H.W. Bush
was unable to be reached for
comment as of press time. Dave
Johnson died of a heart attack in
2004 though family members did
comment that the events "sound
like the Dave we all knew and
loved."
Despite this new information,
many remain skeptical. Doctor
Brian Kostmayer of Pinnacle
Health in Harrisburg expressed
his concern.
"If that plant has not been leaking
and text at the same time. They're
very informed about current
events and all seem to read the
New York Times every morning
before school. They always hand
in assignments early, and so
many of them tell me I graded
them too easily," said Professor
Gregory Old of the Humanities
department.
Deemed the "No, Duh" study
by the American Psychiatric
Association of Blatantly Obvious
Research, an exponential
relationship exists between taking
notes, reading ahead, self-denial
of mobile devices, and general
involvement in a course to higher
grades.
As class participation is higher
than it has been in decades,
absences and tardiness have been
at an all time low. It appears
students have no problems getting
to class on time no matter how
early the class is.
"I never realized how much
paying attention in class and
showing up on time could
improve my grades," said
business major Joshua Stuart, "all
I have to do is show up and hand
in my assignments in on time. It's
great," he added.
radiation into the water supply of
that town for the past 30 years
the local medical community
has its work cut out for it," said
Kostmayer. For decades we
have explained many anomalies
with minor radiation poisoning
- Spatial confusion, for example.
So many people there display
the confederate flag and justify it
with 'southern pride'. We try to
explain to them that Pennsylvania
is not now, nor has it ever been
part of the south. But they just
don't get it. If it isn't radiation
there are only one or two other
explanations and I'm pretty sure
both of them are illegal in this
state."
Currently no charges are being
pressed against anyone involved,
though popular personalities such
as Glenn Beck have called for
an organized protest in which
everyone picks a silly costume
and puts a Hitler mustache on
a poster of their least favorite
person.
"I didn't realize you had to pay
to get into college AND learn,"
said humanities major Terry
Slackoff. "Once I realized that, I
started to do this assigned reading
thing then, like magic, the Profs
all started talking about it instead
of making Charlie Brown noises.
Wawa wa, wawa wah."
Also of note is the striking
correlation discovered between
not drinking oneself into a stupor
and improved performance. Not
being so hung-over that one
misses class or sleeps behind
sunglasses may contribute to
retained knowledge, according
to a recent study by the Ramen
Noodle Center of Student Dietary
Studies.
Despite some of the initial
shock, this finding paired with the
attention and attendance factor
has proved to be a tremendous
gain for some.
"I'm actually passing this
semester," squealed sophomore
Paul Crastinate. "I didn't have
to drop a class or anything. Also,
somebody is paying for me to go
to school. No, really, someone
just gave me a few hundred for
going to school. I am so paying
attention from now on."