News Continued from front page preparations for the replacement of the still operational Unit l's steam generator scheduled for late 2009. These preparations included a thorough inspection by federal Nuclear Regulatory Commission officials to assess the nearly 40-year-old plant's overall condition. "The half life of the uranium -235 is about 700 million years," explained Rowe during the press conference, "So we initially had no intention of going near Unit 2 for at lease another several hundred millennia, but curiosity got the best of us so we cracked the seal to have a look inside." Once inside inspectors found that the reactor was completely empty except for an aged piece of notebook paper pinned to the wall with "April Fools" written on it. Rowe and other Exelon executives immediately ordered that the final inspection report be kept among only the top ranking New York Knicks star Albert Harrington to take courses at Penn State Harrisburg By DIANA LE FORMER EDITOR DXLSO37@PSU.EDU Penn State Harrisburg athletics may be seeing a new, yet familiar face. NBA player Albert "Al" Har rington of the New York Knicks is reported to be looking to take several college courses at the campus, according to staff at the PSH admissions office. "He only inquired about taking classes for credit at Penn State," said a worker at the office who would only comment anony mously because of university pri vacy policies. "He hasn't applied or been accepted or anything." Harrington, 30, was born and raised in the neighboring state of New Jersey and is aware of Penn State University, mostly due to the nation-wide attention the Big 10 football team attracts. Howev er, the admissions office worker explained, Harrington may be looking for a smaller campus for privacy reasons. company executives until a full internal investigation into the findings could be carried out. Upon the completion of the investigation it was discovered that Dave Johnson, a high ranking executive in the company directly responsible for the plant's operation in 1979; Metropolitan Edison Company, and then Pennsylvania Governor Richard Thornburgh had been friends since college and had a playful tradition of pranking each other. In the late 1940's Johnson had hidden in Thomburgh's dorm room closet and jumped out in the middle of the night causing Thornburgh to collapse into a panic attack which lasted several hours. Back and forth pranks continued until, in 1978, Thornburgh used his position as Governor of Pennsylvania to place Johnson under house arrest for three days while he was supposedly being investigated for selling nuclear technologies to the Soviet Union. Determined to one-up Thornburgh, Johnson began planning the execution of a "Maybe he wants to study for a bit at a large, respectable university, but in a way that doesn't attract too much attention to himself," the admissions office worker said. "I don't know, but there is also the benefit of having the (Harrisburg International) airport nearby if he needs to travel." PSH's athletic department said they have not heard of Har rington's inquiry, but added they would be delighted if he played at the campus "even if it's just for fun." Harrington never attended col lege; he played basketball at St. Patrick High School in Eliza beth, N.J., before being selected at age 18 to play for the Indiana Pacers. In 1998, he was named player of the year by USA To day. The 6-foot, 9-inch player has also played for the Atlanta Hawks and Golden State Warriors before joining the New York Knicks in November 2008. Attempts to contact the New York Knicks' media and public relations staff were unsuccessful. PITAL TIME fake nuclear incident at TMI. The plan, according to the investigation's findings, was to report a nuclear incident to the Governor requesting he do a press conference from the apparently faulty reactor to show how safe it was. Upon Thornburgh's arrival and examination of the reactor he would find the note Johnson had pinned to the wall and the hoax would end harmlessly without public knowledge. Unfortunately Johnson was unable to initially reach the Governor and reported the incident to Thornburgh's personal assistant who, in turn, started the chain of events witnessed by the world over 30 years ago. Recordings of phone conversations made by Johnson between him and Thornburgh were found in the process of the investigation and revealed that on March 30,1979 Johnson informed Thornburgh of the hoax. Johnson: Dick, I've been meaning to tell you something for a day or two now. Thornburgh: This better be good. I've got [President] Carter on the Students earn higher grades by paying attention BY JENNA DENOYELLES AND VINCENT DANGOLOVICH EDITOR-IN-CHIEF AND ASSISTANT EDITOR JHDSO3S@PSU.EDU VAVD5OO6@Psu.Enu As Penn State Harrisburg increases in size so do the grade point averages. A new trend has swept over the campus at PSH. Students are paying attention in class and earning higher grades. Grade point averages are rising at a record high. Students put down their phone and picked up a pencil. They quit texting, stopped the chatting, and the click, click, clicking away on the computers during class. The annoying habits students once had ceases to exist as classrooms are now filled with attentive students with a readiness to learn. Class participation used to be a problem for many teachers. In the past, students just sat there dully staring at the teacher with a glazed over expression. A frustration now fixed. "Students are never distracted, they seem to have an uncanny ability to answer questions in class other line. We're thinking of evacuating at 10- mile radius around the plant. I don't know where we're going to put 100,000 people. Johnson: [expletive deleted] dude. That's what I've got to talk to you about. It's all fake. The reactor is fine. Thornburgh: What? Johnson: I was just trying to get you back for that commie [expletive deleted] you pulled last year. Thornburgh: [expletive deleted] Richard Thornburgh, who later served as the secretary of the Army for both Presidents Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush was unable to be reached for comment as of press time. Dave Johnson died of a heart attack in 2004 though family members did comment that the events "sound like the Dave we all knew and loved." Despite this new information, many remain skeptical. Doctor Brian Kostmayer of Pinnacle Health in Harrisburg expressed his concern. "If that plant has not been leaking and text at the same time. They're very informed about current events and all seem to read the New York Times every morning before school. They always hand in assignments early, and so many of them tell me I graded them too easily," said Professor Gregory Old of the Humanities department. Deemed the "No, Duh" study by the American Psychiatric Association of Blatantly Obvious Research, an exponential relationship exists between taking notes, reading ahead, self-denial of mobile devices, and general involvement in a course to higher grades. As class participation is higher than it has been in decades, absences and tardiness have been at an all time low. It appears students have no problems getting to class on time no matter how early the class is. "I never realized how much paying attention in class and showing up on time could improve my grades," said business major Joshua Stuart, "all I have to do is show up and hand in my assignments in on time. It's great," he added. radiation into the water supply of that town for the past 30 years the local medical community has its work cut out for it," said Kostmayer. For decades we have explained many anomalies with minor radiation poisoning - Spatial confusion, for example. So many people there display the confederate flag and justify it with 'southern pride'. We try to explain to them that Pennsylvania is not now, nor has it ever been part of the south. But they just don't get it. If it isn't radiation there are only one or two other explanations and I'm pretty sure both of them are illegal in this state." Currently no charges are being pressed against anyone involved, though popular personalities such as Glenn Beck have called for an organized protest in which everyone picks a silly costume and puts a Hitler mustache on a poster of their least favorite person. "I didn't realize you had to pay to get into college AND learn," said humanities major Terry Slackoff. "Once I realized that, I started to do this assigned reading thing then, like magic, the Profs all started talking about it instead of making Charlie Brown noises. Wawa wa, wawa wah." Also of note is the striking correlation discovered between not drinking oneself into a stupor and improved performance. Not being so hung-over that one misses class or sleeps behind sunglasses may contribute to retained knowledge, according to a recent study by the Ramen Noodle Center of Student Dietary Studies. Despite some of the initial shock, this finding paired with the attention and attendance factor has proved to be a tremendous gain for some. "I'm actually passing this semester," squealed sophomore Paul Crastinate. "I didn't have to drop a class or anything. Also, somebody is paying for me to go to school. No, really, someone just gave me a few hundred for going to school. I am so paying attention from now on."
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers