Capitol times. (Middletown, Pa.) 1982-2013, April 01, 2010, Image 1

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    vi I Made with 25%
less Associated
April 1 , 20 I 0
Volume 49. No. 10
i r
Student written!
Faculty Approved!
Logic, Philosophy,
Prof. Haas makes a
dramatic announcement
Page 5
Does Paying Attention
Improve Grades?
The startling answers
from the latest research!
Page 4
Where Does the
Money Go?
Help a student
reclaim her buck.
Page 5
An Invitation to Drama
Get the story as The
Capital Players present
Wild Party.
Page 9.
Magic Eye
Can your eyes
decrypt the image?
Center Fold (oh la la)
Check out this week's
photo club contest on
page 15
Ignore class with help
on page 19
NEws 4-6
SPORTS 16-17
Partial meltdown a complete hoax
In a press conference held on
March 12 by Exelon Corporation
CEO John Rowe it was disclosed
that during an extensive 2008
inspection of the Three Mile
Island Nuclear Generating
Station no evidence was found of
the partial meltdown which was
widely believed to have occurred
in 1979. An internal investigation
following the report revealed that
the entire incident was actually
an April fool's joke gone horribly
Student body becomes delicious snack
"It was only a matter of time,"
said senior biology major Seth
Hallows, "I've been ready for
this day for many years now, and
I'm not going to end up as one
of them." Hallows then began to
break apart desks in a classroom
and use the pieces to create a
barricade over the door.
In the late afternoon of March
31st, Penn State Harrisburg
experienced its first documented
zombie outbreak. Following
a series of illnesses that were
originally believed to be a stomach
virus, 23 students suffered from
violent convulsions, collapsed,
and then reanimated as walking
dead. 16 of these incidents
happened during classes, 5
happened in computer labs and 2
Once news of the three decade
long hoax broke, several people
had gathered at the corner of
High Street and Main Street in
Middletown, Pennsylvania where
the plant is located. There were
reports of moderate to semi-loud
grumblings coming from the
crowd with improvised rally signs
apparently made from notebook
paper and Sharpies.
The Capital Times is still
investigating whether this
impromptu show of outrage
was in response to the hoax or
the closure of the popular bar
Guido McNeal's by public health
in the dorms. Living students ran
screaming as the undead students
lumbered, throwing the campus
into utter chaos
Thought at first to be a massive
hoax, the school's drama club, the
Capital Players, was originally
blamed. Not long ago a class
of theater students organized to
freeze in place at one specific
time while scattered around
campus, holding their positions
like statues for about a minute.
This led many to believe the
outbreak was another one of the
theater students' "flash mob"
social experiments, but everyone
soon realized it was much more
than that. A representative for
the Capital Players said that they
were not even aware of a zombie
attack, as they were too busy
rehearsing for the fall music, Wild
inspectors after a patron found a
dead rat floating in his discounted
pitcher of Natural Light.
Elsewhere on the street, local
reaction to the announcement has
been consistent. "I blame Barracks
Osama." Explained Sue Shepard,
a resident of Middletown since
1962. "I knew as soon as his gay,
Muslim, terrorist friends stole
that election for him stuff like
this would start happening. Sarah
Palin would have never let this
Joseph Thompson, a resident of
Middletown since 1977 and local
police officer, expressed similar
frustrations over the hoax but
says the new information clears
up some of the questions he had
regarding the handling of the
incident when it occurred.
"They never actually evacuated
us," said Thompson. "They just
told us to try and breathe less
when we smelled something like
burning bacon."
Students of the local Penn
State Harrisburg generally were
surprised by the announcement
but had very little else to offer.
When asked for comment, Walter
Grimes, a student at Penn State
Harrisburg, mostly begged Officer
Thompson to stop alternately
Party, opening April 8.
Sophomore philosophy student,
Jess Harper, paused for a moment
to catch her breath before
commenting, "This zombie
problem has really affected my
tasing and macing him during
the interview. Officer Thompson
Until this week it was believed
that on March 28, 1979
mechanical failures coupled
with poorly trained staff resulted
in a partial meltdown of one
of TMl's two reactors. Local
and national leaders, including
President Jimmy Carter, flocked
to the otherwise painfully boring
Middletown, Pennsylvania to
calm residence and reassure
their confidence in the trained
professionals who nearly wiped
the area off the face of the Earth.
Though officials claimed the
incident was relatively minor and
controlled quickly, the true details
of the events were depicted
with special consideration for
historical accuracy in "The China
Syndrome", a Jane Fonda and
Michael Douglas movie which
premiered nearly two weeks
before the incident.
In 2008 Exelon
Please see TMI
on page 4
school work, it's impossible to
study and I AAAAH! NO!
Please see ZOMBIES
on page