:ands put on great show despite apathetic crow.
ROCK continued from 9
Vacancy left the stage.
Despite a now much smaller
audience, Hey Mike! from
Ventura, Calif., confidently
claimed the stage and played
their hearts out in an upbeat,
pop-punk rhythm interjected with
comic relief from the lead gui
tarist and bassist. Hey Mike!
played as a team - their music
did not heavily rely on the pres-
From left, The Commercials' Tony Bavaria, Drew Teague and Tom
McGrath finished the night with a good sense of humor and their
energetic sound. The band has been playing locally for about eight
years.
`Kings of Crank Calls' heavily imitated
By John Fox
Staff Reporter
jtfls3@psu.edu
Crank phone calling is an insti
tution without accreditation.
There are no high-esteemed pro
fessors or media gadflies keep
ing score. Accordingly, this devi
ous pastime is comparatively
more vulnerable to theft of intel
lectual property than other more
legitimate professions. Just ask
the thieving Bart Simpson.
Among other things, Bart is well
known for his own crank calls to
bartender Moe on Fox's The
Simpsons. Surely Hollywood
wouldn't pump out derivative
dribble and pass it off as a heav
ily labored original work for us
eager, naive, and spoiled con
sumers to blindly enjoy. If you
believe that, then poor genetics
is probably the reason for your
lack of cynicism. In truth, the
majority of Bart and Moe's antag
onistic telephone dialog has
been copied verbatim from Jim
Davidson and John Elmo's infa
mous "Tube Bar Tape."
Known as The Bum Bar
Bastards, Jim and John began
recording their crank calls to a
Jersey City bar owner named
Red in 1975. The product of
these calls to Red's establish
ment, The Tube Bar, were stolen
and re-spun by the writers of The
Simpsons and later imitated by
The Jerky Boys.
Although achieving infamy
through the mass distribution of
their bootleg recording over the
last three decades, Jim and John
have struggled constantly to
receive the credit that would be
due to pioneers in any genre of
art. Jim spoke with me openly
about the history of their notori
ous recordings.
Like most red-blooded
American adolescent males, Jim
says that he and John started
making crank calls in their mid
teens. "We used to walk past all
these gin mills," says Jim. "In
those days in Jersey City and
Hoboken, there were bars every
20 feet. We Would hear these
guys from inside going on about
anything and everything. So with
the aid of our sick little minds, we
decided to turn their rowdiness
into our favorite entertainment
pastime."
It wasn't too long after they
began their crank call careers
that Jim and John called The
Tube Bar and heard Red's
ence of their lead singer, unlike
many bands. Each band member
was absolutely on target, and
added a whole new strength to
the overall sound.
The group was passionate, fast
and catchy, and played as
though they were playing in front
of hundreds - even though the
crowd had dwindled to less than
half of what it was. The band pro
ceeded to inform the audience
that they were "as broke as shit,
but it's cool." Bassist Josh
Photo by Corey Barbush
uniquely rugged voice for the first
time. Jim talked about the gene
sis of this history-making chance
encounter. "We started to call
Red in 1975," said Jim. "We
called him on and off for approx
imately two plus years. On the
day we first called him we were
having a terrible day. We weren't
getting any good calls at all. We
were all set to wrap it up when I
remembered passing the Tube
Bar and always seeing someone
being thrown out into the alley, or
hearing all kinds of yelling and
commotion coming out of the
place. When I think about it, we
came close to not ever calling
the place. So I guess that says a
lot for doing things 'just one more
time."'
Jim revealed his first impression
of Red. "THE VOICE," exclaimed
Jim. "No one, before or since,
has had a croak like that! Was
that a human on the other end?
We thought we were talking to
the fuckin' missing link! And of
course we were thrilled with
Red's dogged determination to
call out every name we asked
for, no matter how idiotic or
unbelievable they were. The idea
of just hanging up the telephone
never entered what passed for a
mind with Red. The most
involved work we had was that
we had to make up names that
he would mutilate properly. Mike
Hunt. Al Kohallic. Mike Oxmall.
Stan Dupp. Sid Down. Stu Pitt.
'Pepe' Roni. Bill Loney. Sal
Lammi. Etc, etc. We pretty much
knew from the beginning that we
had hooked a world class moron.
Albeit, one who would have slit
our throats with out batting an
eye if he could, but yeah, we
knew we struck gold; the mother
lode."
In a 1992 MTV news segment in
which Kurt Loder was then cov
ering the recent Jerky Boys phe
nomenon, Jim first found out that
his crank calls to Red had world
wide appeal. When Jim heard
Kurt Loder wrap up his segment
with "These (The Jerky Boy's)
calls are not to be confused with
the infamous Tube Bar Tapes,"
he was understandably stunned.
"Kurt Loder was on television
equating the content of our calls
in Rock N Roll terms to Black
Sabbath, and The Jerky Boys to
The Archies. We had no idea
whatsoever that the bootlegged
calls had become a cult classic
heard by hundreds of thousands
around the world."
McDonald attempted to auction
off one of their CDs, "Embrace
Your Hooks," from Takeover
Records. The begging, "Do I
hear $7O? Maybe $75?" was met
with laughter, and gave a richer
personality to the musicians. The
biggest fiasco of the night - other
than crowd indifference - was
when an Aquafina spilled on
stage mid-song, but it was no big
deal; a loyal fan mopped it up
and the show went on. With
much jumping and carrying on,
the guys on stage just had fun,
and as lighthearted as their
mood was, the end result was an
extremely professional concrete
sound.
Eric Wittlin, part of the street
team for Capitol Records, helped
promote Hey Mike! at the event.
Hey Mike! is touring from Nov. 11
- 27 with Yellowcard, of Capitol
Records, and the Starting Line.
Last, but certainly not least, the
Commercials took the limelight
as the music started to come to a
close. Self-described as rock and
roll, with influence from punk,
hardcore and indie rock, the
group has played with several
familiar bands, including the
Ataris, Taking Back Sunday, and
the Starting Line. It was like
watching a music video in the
middle of campus, only without
the lip-syncing and cheesy back
This sudden taste of infamy was
quite shocking for a guy who only
recalls playing the recordings for
friends at parties and fellow
employees. "We still don't know
exactly how the bootleg got out,"
said Jim. "But as near as we can
figure, it was when both John
and I worked for Warner Bros
Music. We played the tapes at
work, mostly for a few select
people who knew of them, but
inevitably word got around and
before we knew it, 30 to 40 peo
ple would be listening and falling
all over themselves laughing.
The Bum Bar Bastards first began prank calling to a Jersey City bar
owner in 1975.
Many people who worked there
had access to Warner's record
ing equipment in the studios.
This theory makes sense
because of the way the calls
were mentioned on so many
Rock albums. Even Walter
Cronkite and the New York office
of the F. 8.1. got a hold of them
and became lifetime fans. So we
guess that somehow someone
managed to nail a copy of our
stuff and thus the birth of a BUM
BAR BASTARD BOOTLEG
BABY! We guess that makes us
daddies and the person who did
it a motha-fucka!"
In 1975, technology was not
necessarily user-friendly when it
came to home recording. Jim
explained how he and John
manipulated this primitive tech
nology to record their cranks.
"Aaahhh," Jim said. "How'd we
make the recordings using the
caveman technology way back
then? This has probably been
the most asked question down
through the years. John and I
were both musicians, that's how
Entertainment
drops - plus the addition of real,
true blue talent. With a good
sense of humor and a constant
flow of energy, the Commercials
put on a great show.
As enthusiastic as the music
was, the crowd was just unmoti
vated. Ryan Billheimer, pharma
ceutical marketing major, is a
friend of band members from the
Commercials, and described the
band as "emo-punk, it's rock with
emotion." He was disappointed
at the turnout. "I had no idea they
were playing here," said
Billheimer, "I go here but I didn't
find out about it here, I found out
from the band."
After the Commercials played
their last song, everyone was
hungry and eagerly headed to
the Midnight Breakfast. The
musicians that ate said they real
ly appreciated the food.
Suddenly, the once sparse crowd
grew as many people randomly
showed up again for the free
food, even though many present
did not even attend the show.
Despite a largely apathetic
audience, there was a sense of
togetherness at the very end of
the night between the remaining
few that stayed from the begin
ning to the end. Those that stuck
it out were invited by the
Commercials to karaoke with
them in Lemoyne after the show.
we met. I auditioned for his band,
and by having to repair our
equipment and hook up various
speaker configurations and by
knowing what gets hooked into
where. It was no be stretch to fig
ure out how to wire a connection
directly into the old rotary phone
we used. So that was it, a guitar
jack directly from the phone into
the tape recorder. No need for
suction cups or any of that crap,
which by the way is what they
would try and sell you at the
audio store back then and pro
duced terrible quality. But I have
Picture courtesy of www.bumbarbastards.com
to say that it was John who actu
ally came up with the idea and
implemented it."
Hearing your own material per
formed by someone else, in this
case a cartoon character, on tel
evision, is enough to bring the
most humble of souls to entertain
thoughts of resentment and
anger. Jim described, somewhat
bitterly, the feeling of watching
the calls he made in 1975 regur
gitated on The Simpsons. "It's
like a 'Ground Hog Day' sce
nario," said Jim. "Like waking up
every day and being robbed over
and over and over again pretty
well describes it. We guess it
would be hard for the producers
of the Simpsons to admit publicly
that Moe's Tavern is a direct rip
off of The Tube Bar calls, but we
have been told that there is an
article floating around some
where in which Matt Groening
DOES admit to this." Jim then
immediately petitioned any read
er out there who has a copy of
the alleged article to kindly scan
and email it to his website
Steven Neufeld, Hey Mike! lead guitarist, sang catchy lyrics as the
band's pop-punk melodies filled the stage and surrounding food
court in the Olmsted building.
(named at the end of this article).
A universal truth among crank
call purists around the world is
that The Jerky Boys are imitators
to a throne rightfully occupied by
Jim and John. Delving further
into the topic of crank call imper
sonators, Jim broods over The
Jerky Boys' tenacious stance
regarding The Bum Bar
Bastards. "From what we've read
about the Jerky Boys, according
to them THE BUM BAR BAS
TARDS are just figments of
everyone's imagination and we
really don't exist," said Jim. "No,
they've never acknowledged us
or given us any credit for paving
the way for them. So remember
folks, all those calls we made,
and all those calls you've pissed
your pants listing to, never really
happened. Just go ask the Jerky
Boys!"
After all those pranks to Red,
you would think that the boys
and Red would have developed
some kind of dysfunctional affec
tion for each other. No such luck.
Red was known as a no-non
sense type of guy who would
have probably pounded the life
out of Jim and John if they had
made their identities known. I
asked Jim if he ever had "the
nerve," as Red put it, to go see
him face to face. "Yes and no,"
Jim laughed. "Don't you hate that
fuckin' answer? Anyway, no in
terms of us actually going down
to the Tube Bar and introducing
ourselves, although we were in
the Tube Bar many, many times,
but yes in terms of people telling
him that we were calling and
recording the conversations,
hence the famous "your friends
deserted you, they double
crossed you when ya tried to tell
'em you were havin' a lot of fun
wit me...so I happen to know who
you are. We made the mistake of
playing some of the calls at a
party where we really didn't know
too many people and suddenly
we hear somebody saying 'hey,
that's Mr. Deutch! Mr. fuckin'
Deutch?' We didn't think any
thing of it until the next time we
called and he hit us with the 'your
friends double-crossed you' shit.
That's a perfect example of why
we never let people we didn't
know hear this stuff back then.
See what too much fuckin' booze
does sometimes?"
In 1993, Chris Gore, cult hero
and editor of Film Threat maga
zine, directed "Red," a still frame
movie which told the story of The
The Capital Times
Photo by Sharon Furfaro
Tube Bar tapes through the orig
inal recordings. Starring
Laurence Tierney in the title role,
the movie was perceived by
many as an appropriate homage
and vindication towards Jim and
John who had thus far been only
mentioned in the media as a
footnote in The Jerky Boys saga.
Jim has other thoughts. "A fan
sent us a copy of the movie 'Red'
awhile back," scoffed Jim. "What
a fuckin' joke. We had absolutely
nothing to do with this mess. And
our calls, which incidentally are
copyrighted, were used without
our permission. This is another
example of the rip-off after rip-off
conga line that we have been
putting up with through the
years. But we love the choice of
Lawrence Tierney as Red. It's
the only good thing about the
movie. Too bad he kicked the
bucket. Maybe he dropped dead
AFTER he saw Red. We'd like to
meet the guy, what's his name
Gore, who made this crap. We'd
like to see him face to face so we
can talk to him and spit in his
eye."
Jim said that he is in the
process of writing a "book/screen
play/treatment" of the entire story
surrounding the calls and all the
things that took place during the
making of them. He said that
many of the stories behind the
calls are more insane than the
calls themselves. He hopes to
see the fruition of this work in the
near future. "A book and movie
will be the perfect venues in
which to tell our story," said Jim.
Jim did not confirm nor deny
whether or not The Bum Bar
Bastards crank call days are
over, but offered sound advice to
aspiring young cranksters. "Don't
get caught," said Jim. "And if you
do get nailed, don't try and tell
the cops that you're the BUM
BAR BASTARDS. WE'RE NOT
REALLY HERE. JUST GO ASK
THE JERKY BOYS!"
Jim and John have an impres
sive new CD/DVD out that
includes hours of new audio and
video; several previously
released full lengths, pictures
and more. You can check out
The Bum Bar Bastards at bum
barbastards.com, where you can
pick up all their merchandise,
including the new CD/DVD, and
acquire wisdom from the true
kings of crank calls.