ISSUE No.lo, VOLUME 42
Mo 1 - 0 AX:" NUARY 28, 2002
Will they hire me with
body piercings?
by John Henviey
Librarygets new copiers 5
PSH press re ease
Our foreign correspondent
visits Stra6bourg, France
by Marko Primorac
Tattoos date back to .
ancient Egypt
by Sarah Elkalban
DEPMM:M---
Campus
Student Speak Out
by Amy Shur
PSH Police Report
by Jennifer Ziegler
Campus Calendar
by Rebecca Swab-Hudson
Entertain
Net Surfer Website Re
by Maggie Frank
E-mail Thoughts
TruthOrFiction.com
CI übfest
by Christina Cambria
Cheap Seats and
Sticky Floors
by Justin N. Unton
Please tell our advertisers that you
saw It In ("Capital Times!
Cover design: Mitchell Davidson Bentley
Cover Photo by; Marko Prirnorac and USMC
Aroun
[4l
Amusing e-mails we.
woula © to share...
Answering Machine At
The Mental Hospital
Hello, and welcome to th
mental health hotline...
•If you are obsessive-cor
repeatedly...
•If you are codependent,
press 2 for you...
•If you have multiple per
sonalities, press 3,4, 5, and
•If you are paranoid, we knox
want. Stay on the line so we can trace your ca 11...
•If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother
ship...
•If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which
number to press...
•If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no
one will answer...
•If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696...
•If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a repre
sentative comes on the line...
•If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, tele
- date of birth, social security number, and
;r's maiden name...
have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-1-y
.a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0...
►u have bipolar disorder, please leave a mes
after the beep, or before the beep, or after the
p. Please wait for the beep...
ft "Doctor Control"?
Number of physicians in the US: 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000
Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health)
Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups): >1,500
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous
than gun owners. Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least
one doctor. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a public health measure, the statistics on lawyers were withheld
for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical aid.
you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you
'e short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
in-term memory loss, press 9...
'ou have low self-esteem, please hang up. All
•ators are too busy to talk to you...
[f you are blonde don't press any buttons,
you'll just screw it up.
4e4