2 The Capital Times Monday, Nov ember 6, 2000
Tina Jackson
Elementary Education
"The important issue is
education, not voting for
Bush—his emphasis is for
teachers to be held
accountable for students'
success—regardless of
school conditions or other
issues."
Monkey Wrangler Seeks SSOK
"Monkeys R Us" Superstore to Open Soon
Editor's Note: With their collective
tongues stuck far into their cheeks,
Club 831 A sponsored an informa
tional lecture on the entrepreneur
ial concept of marketing small
stuffed monkeys as service ani
mals.
Photo and Story By Kerry Monaco
Capital Times Staff Writer
In an information session about ser
vice monkeys, Matthew
Farkas, monkey wran
gler extraordinaire,
spoke about his vision
of "Monkeys R Us."
The audience probed
Farkas on topics such as
overpopulation of mon
keys, care for the mon
keys, the potential of
the monkeys and mon
key guarantees.
I guess I should start
by explaining what
these monkeys will be
able to do once they are
trained. They will be
trained to do such tasks
as ig t ousework,
home security, chop
wood, chauffeur, help
the bomb squad, fix your transmission contact Mr. Farkas with any further ques
and pimp out other monkeys. The farm is tions concerning his monkeys.
What
in the presidential campaign?
Kenn Grimm
American Studies
"I am voting for George
Bush because his father
was a president before him
and he could give his son
`good' advice, for the wel
fare of our country. This is
my deciding factor,
because it is too close."
keys, and they are going to reproduce to
help the farm grow. "Monkey Wranglers"
will train the first batch of monkeys and
then these trained monkeys will be able to
help the wranglers train the new mon
keys.
Farkas is currently accepting applica
tions for monkey wranglers. Wranglers
will go through six months of training
with Farkas before they are allowed to go
out on their own.
Monkey Wrangler extraordinaire Matthew
Farkas discusses marketing strategies
with his business partner.
is the most
Linmaya Kenyon
Psychology
"A combination of several
issues are of importance to
me. While I am affected by
standing or personal issues
such as abortion and gun
control, being 25, I need to
know the economy will
continue to grow rather
than decline."
Once you
decide to buy a
monkey, you can
order it over the
phone or online.
The cost of one
monkey is $l,OOO,
but a couple is only
$1,500. Each mon
key comes with a
money back guar
antee. If you are
not satisfied with
your monkey, you
can return it for
retraining and if
this does not work,
"Monkeys R Us"
will reimburse
your money
Survey and photos by Debra Glass
Capital Times Staff Writer
"Importants are crime pre
vention and education."
job interview. Later that day, Matthew Islinja' Farkas fell. He was headed up to main
campus that weekend for homecoming and he felt that he would have a better chance
with the ladies if he shaved. Two days later, Mike 'Fridge' Hartley caved under pressure
from his girlfriend. So now it is a fight to the end between the roomies. Who will tri
umph? More next issue . . .
STUDENT SPEAK OUT
important
Jay Kleinfelter
Finance
Shave-Off Update
And then there were two. Corey 'Coach'
Metz and Matt 'Lapinski' Williams are the
only two left in the Club 831 A shave-off con
test. The first of the five to crack was
Anthony 'Chipper' Chuplis. Chipper broke
down on October 19, but for good reason; a
Matt Williams
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issue
Timothy Christy
Psychology
"The failing war on drugs,
which is a money issue for
the two major parties."
Photos and Story By Kerry Monaco
Capital Times Staff Writer
Robert English
Finance
"The two candidates are so
closely tied together (with
issues), that individuals
will tend to stick with their
party origins."
Corey Metz