COMMENTARY Your Yard Gnome, Your Best Friend By Crispin Sartwell Capita) Times Advisor My life has been a nightmare. My father was a woman, and my mother was a fifteen-year-old French poodle who smoked dry wall. The fondest memories I retain from childhood were when the family came together in the evening for ritual satanic abuse. Otherwise, they kept me mana cled in the basement. My only companions there were a lawn gnome and his pet flamingoes. He was so non-judg mental. He accepted me for who I was. I was never not good enough for the lawn gnome. He was my best friend. I told him everything: my hopes and fears, my traumas, my loves. He in turn told me about his crash on the lawn gnome next door, which helped me accept my own sexual orientation toward yard orna ments. Since then, many of my prob- think so. actions on their example. Negro spiritual, free at last free lems have been caused by peo- Lawn gnomes are our moral It is true that lawn gnomes are at last, thank God almighty we pie. Every asshole I’ve ever met and intellectual superiors. If the inanimate objects. But to deride are free at last. TOYOTA THERE’S AN ECHO OUT THERE! Great looks on the outside, great room on the inside. Cruise the highway at 40 MPG\..very thrifty. Power? Plenty! It’s a 1.5 liter hi-tech 16 valve POCH engine with variable valve timing (new) that kicks out 106 horsepower any time you want it. And best of all, Echo is the lowest priced Toyota! was a person. Many things that people have done really suck. But name one evil, vicious, or stupid act ever performed by a lawn gnome. Adolf Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Terrence and Phillip, Provost Leathers, Ann- Marie Newman: none of them, as far as we know, are lawn gnomes. Coincidence? I hardly l . ■** ‘-M «■# til* , New thru Toyota Motor Credit helps those with limited credit history buy or lease a new Echo or Celica. See dealer for details. - <