A Dating Guide For The Socially Inept Neurotic Misanthrope
By Bryan Kapschull
Capital Times Staff Writer
The first date is the initial
barrier, the often unavoidable
obstacle between two humans
and their base biological call
ing.
Usually composed of various
awkward silences and careful
ly-timed uncomfortable
glances, the first date can
quickly become a sad mockery
of both participants.
This is especially true for
socially inept, neurotic, misan
thropic individuals who tend to
obsess on their inescapable
foibles and the foibles of
mankind.
For the introvert-neurotic,
the brain can at times be your
worst enemy. Just when you
thought you had established a
normal conversation with your
date, your brain throws out
obscure disturbing
thought.
Shortly thereafter, you hear
yourself muttering, “Did you
know that vultures are bald so
rotten carcass flesh doesn’t
stick to their head?”
This is sure to extinguish any
flames of passion that may have
been rising in the mind of your
date. Is there anything that can
be done to prevent such unfor
tunate circumstances?
Relax
Jittery nerves can cause laps
es in proper brain function. If
you let your nerves get the best
of you, you may find yourself
suffering from unusual symp
toms including, but not limited
to: saying things that should
obviously be left unsaid, forget
ting how to swallow food,
blinking excessively or not at
all, tapping fingers and feet,
rocking back and forth, unne
cessary head bobbing, cardiac
arrest, making fart noises with
your mouth, or the mindless
slack-jawed stare.
You may also forget how to
walk correctly. The true neurot
ic may find himself debating
whether or not his feet are com
ing into contact with the ground
properly as he walks.
Each step then becomes a
mutated version of the previous
one until he appears to be walk
ing in anti-gravity boots. If you
don’t learn to relax, this may
happen to you.
Preparing for the date
“I don’t wash the area
between my crotch and legs." -
Chris Farley.
There are several things you
may want to think about in
preparation for your big date.
First of all, you may want to
consider bathing and/or brush
ing your teeth. This can take
some of the pressure off and set
the mind at ease, especially if
you’ve been on a three-day
bender and reek of cheap
booze.
You may also want to clean
your car. Pry that melted Sugar
Daddy off the dashboard, hide
the Napalm Death LP under the
seat. Hose the bird shit off the
passenger door.
A thorough car cleaning can
prevent the embarrassment of
having to explain to your date
that the European porno mags
in the back seat aren’t really
yours and that you don’t know
how they got there.
Any obstacle that can be
avoided ahead of time is one
less stone in your path. Your
date should flow like a well
oiled machine.
The Date:
Dinner and a Movie
“Just never let her see the
real you and you ’ll be fine. ” -
Anonymous
Often the poor misanthrope
will spend most of the meal
wondering why he ever agreed
to leave his house in the first
place.
If you find yourself doing
this, you may want to forget
your obvious mistake and con
sider acknowledging your date.
You may even want to con
sider speaking to her, perhaps
in a pleasant and respectful
manner.
As for the subject of the con
versation, just make stuff up.
Tell her how much you enjoy
getting out of bed in the morn
ing. Tell her you’re having
“fun” on your little date.
Pretend that you know what
a blouse is and tell her that you
like hers. When the waitress
offers another round of shots,
say “No, thanks.”
Explain to your date how
special she is; that you like her
even when you’re only partially
shitfaced.
If you make it as far as the
movie, you should let your date
decide on the film. When she
suggests Waiting to Exhale, nod
and smile. Say something like
“Great idea,” or “Yeah, that
does look like a good movie.”
Sit with your date and buy
her treats. Try not to yell “bor
ing” during the opening credits.
During the film, feign
amusement. Go so far as to
laugh at the hackneyed jokes.
Tell her you find Queen Latifa’s
character intriguing and com
plex.
Don’t mention what a waste
of money the film is or that the
$7 would be better spent on her
cab ride home.
The Drive Home
“Just be cool, man. ”
Cheech
This is your time to shine, to
make a positive last impression.
Are You Rokken?
By Dave ‘The Squirrel” Sherman
For The Capital Times
Are you Rokken? I don’t
think you are. Sure you may be
“rocking” but you sure as hell
ain’t Rokken. Let me explain.
What all of you consider rock
ing consists of drinking spring
water and bobbin’ your head to
Limp Bizkit or Snapcase. That’s
rocking, but definitely not
Rokken.
What do I mean by
“Rokken”? Check this out.
When I am Rokken I am driving
a 1979 Pontiac Firebird Trans
am, sans muffler. I peel out in the
mini-mart lot leaving at least 50
yards of smokin’ rubber. The T-
Tops are off, the mirror shades
on, and the music cranked up to
11 on the dial.
What music you ask? I am
talking about Europe, Slayer,
Iron Maiden, Saxon, and most
definitely Dokken. I’m cruising
the circuit, hair blowing in the
wind, with the most killer metal
tapes in the deck.
Proceed to the back seat of the
car. It’s filled with empty ciga
rette packs and Iced-Tea cartons,
half an exhaust sytem and maybe
even some carb cleaner. I even
got a broomstick to prop up the
hood of my car because my
engine is too Rokken to be con
tained by some weak OEM hood
prop. This is some hardcore
Rokken paraphernalia.
When you all think you are
Rokken, what are you really
doing? Pulling Dad’s Explorer
out of the garage and opening the
power windows and moonroof?
Putting some of your CDs into
the changer that usually include
The neurotic should seize
this opportunity. Apologize for
acting so strange, and make up
lame excuses for your behavior.
“I must have had too much
coffee this morning,” or “I’ve
got a lot going on at work,” and
so on.
As a misanthrope you can
explain that you were only act
ing like a bitter, sarcastic bas
tard to see if she had a sense of
humor, and that she passed your
test.
After you explain your
behavior, you should continue
by groveling and begging for a
second date.
When you drop your date off,
try to act normal. Wipe the tears
the ICP, Seven Mary Three,
Creed, and even, God forbid,
Live?
What’s next? Cruising to the
mall or the community college
until your gas runs low in your
wussy fuel-injected and emission
controlled engine? Yeah, and
then you probably even lean on
the hood and smoke a Camel
light cigarette while checking out
the girls in Capri pants.
Calling that Rokken isn’t even
funny. It is impossible to Rokk in
a fuel injected car built before
1990. And the music, give me a
freakin’ break. Rokken at least
involves Van Halen and a ten
minute long drum solo. Rokkers
know you can’t Rokk-out to a
song less than five minutes long.
The light cigarettes, please. If it
ain’t a Red or a GPC, then it
don’t Rokk. And if the girl ain’t
wearing acid-washed jeans and
Letter to the Editor
Editor:
I’m a convicted felon serving
a term of imprisonment of 47
years and eight months for multi
ple armed robberies, attempted
armed robbery and being an ex
felon in possession of a firearm.
Over the years I’ve lost a lot
of my family members to death
and the rest have stopped writing
to me for other reasons. I’ve also
lost contact with all of my
friends during this time as they
have pursued other interests and
moved on with their lives.
It is with this thought that I
COMMENTARY
from your cheeks and blow
your nose.
End the date with a smooth
comment like, “Please don’t tell
anyone about this” or “I’m real
ly sorry.”
Hopefully these techniques
will provide a solid foundation
upon which socially-inept neu
rotic misanthropes can build
future relationships.
When utilized properly these
methods can transform any
worry-wart-people-hater into a
fun-loving party animal.
So next time you’re out on a
date, remember these tips,
they should work. If they
don’t, maybe you should just
give up.
Dave “The Squirrel” Sherman
L.A. gears, she ain’t Rokken
I am writing this as a warning.
When the Monsters of Rock
descend on your “Earth Day”, I
will be watching. If you ain’t
Rokken, you will be in some
serious trouble. Watch your
back. That big guy with the mir
ror shades and a leather jacket
who is revving his engine in the
parking lot - That’s me.
now write to you for the intended
purpose of trying to find a person
to correspond with...a pen pal if
you will!?!?
I’m very lonely and could use
a pen friend to talk to, share
smiles with and seek advice from.
I will answer all. No stickers/art
work allowed on the envelope.
Very respectfully submitted,
Danny Glen Bowen C-20552
Pleasant Valley State Prison
C 3-112
P.O. Box 8503
Coalinga, Calif. 93210